MIL and FIL imminent - and heavy smokers....

[JayTree]

Help - they are have just informed me that they are going to visit (they never wait for an invite...) and it is likely to be for a while. The main problem (but by no means the only one) is that they are both seriously heavy smokers - of the nasty harsh cheap type of cigarettes to make it even worse. Our house is tiny and has no ideal room to demote to the status of smoking lounge! Even the kitchen is an airless room without a back door. I just know that it is going to totally stress me out trying to tactfully keep my dd away from the smoke etc.
To make it worse, when I tactfully mentioned my concerns to dh he went spare. We live really near my parents (my choice) and they see us all the time, we only see his once or twice a year and they have poor health ( not surprising...). He says that it is important that we make them feel really welcome and that I am not to say the slightest thing to make them feel uncomfortable as they have been through a tough time recently etc. etc. I know he has a point but even so....
It would be easier if they enjoyed going out but they are very over weight couch potatoes and all they will want to do is sit, smoke and play with dd. I am totally dreading the entire thing. To give you an idea of how bad their habit is and convince you that I am not over reacting - last time we visited them I went with them to Tescos - they had to have two cigarette breaks during the shop followed by one on the car on the way home!
As an ex smoker myself I try really hard not to be judgemental and make a big effort not to be rude but this is really going to try my patience. AAAAAAGH.

Oh JayTree,

I truly empathise and all I can do is lend support rather than practical help.
My initial thoughts are that DH should be supporting you - so perhaps a gentle nudge in the right direction ... like ... "I know that we and especially DD are looking forward to MIL & FIL's visit - but the health aspect worries me as DD is our main priority. What do you think we can do to make them welcome without upsetting them"
By putting the onus on DH perhaps he might not take it as a criticism.
Perhaps suggest to go out for the evening. Or make them feel welcome by asking DH what their favourite meal is.

HOw would they take the suggestion of maybe smoking either outside ( tricky one I know ) or perhaps in an allocated room. ( Garden shed -JOKE )
Perhaps during the day keep DD outside as much as possible.

Thinking of you - look on the bright side - they live far away and you don't have to encounter this dilemma that often.

Hi JayTree,

Poor you. I don't think you are being judgemental, passive smoking is dangerous... complete fact. It also smells horrid. I used to smoke too, but I would never ever smoke at home...

Sounds like DH is being very unreasonable about this. Doesn't he worry above passive smoking? It isn't rude at all to ask them to smoke in the garden, it's summer afterall. You can still make them extremely welcome.

Good luck

Yuk Jaytree, even as a smoker (albeit a guilty one, going to give up soon) I think they (and your DH) are being completely unreasonable.

Although I smoke I don't think the habit is defensible nor do I think it's OK to inflict it on other people. I do smoke in public places where it's allowed (like the pub and I admit, ds may be there but I'd usually be outside or would smoke a few fags, reasoning that it's a big room which it usually is: still not good, I know, but as an exsmoker maybe you understand - you can justify anything, it's a horrible addiction) but I wouldn't dream of going to a non smokers house (especially one who had children) and expecting to be allowed to pollute everyone else.

You're not being unreasonable IMO, they are! But all that's not very helpful I don't suppose, what you want to know is how to handle it. Mmmm, well my dad was a heavy smoker too and I wouldn't let him smoke in my house when ds was small. No, it didn't go down well and it didn't make him very keen on staying with us but I enforced it.

But telling your own parent is one thing, telling your in laws is another. If you can't designate a smoking room then your options are, as far as I can see: a) let them carry on, go out as much as possible, seethe inwardly. b) lay down the law and say you won't accept it, thus possibly provoking big row with DH and in-laws. Don't know what else to suggest, maybe someone else has more creative suggestions? But you have my sympathy.

i am a smoker and think it is totally reasonable to be asked to go outside to smoke - in fact i do this in my own home! i would just assume that i would have to go outside in someone else's house!

you need your dh to support you on this so i would second crystaltips advice on approaching it tactfully. a good negotiating starting point is always to identify the "what's in it for me" - ie what's in it for your dh. the key point surely must be your dd's health - does he not get it that passive smoking is harmful, especially to children? would you need to provide him with some evidence of this? you can then provide a united front to present the same position tactfully to your in laws.

have to say i would be surprised to find any smoker in this day and age who didn't understand the harmful nature of passive smoking to others.

good luck - hope you find a solution everyone can bear!

Jaytree, you don't say how old your dd is but maybe the dangers of smoking and cot death would make your DH take notice.

Nobody smokes in our house and wouldnt feel bad about asking anyone to go outside either. We have tried to keep ds away from smokey areas and if there are family gatherings ds is kept away or outside, but most go outside to smoke. If we go to a party with smoking we stay only a while to be polite if the air gets too smokey.

Really your inlaws shouldnt need to be asked, they should smoke away from your dd without question. You defintely need your dh on your side to do the talking, but I must say I wouldnt be able to hold my tongue.

I'd be completely blunt with them and tell them that if they want to smoke they will have to do it outside.

At the end of the day it is your house and they must expect to respect your house rules. When in Rome, etc....

Jaytree, you are not being unreasdonable. This may be alarmist but I did recently read that the harmful chemicals from smoking last on a smoker's breath for half an hour after having a puff. I think that you might need to show your dh some stats on smoking and cot death, then perhaps he might sympathise. I've had a similar conversation with one of dh's relatives and the argument was, 'Well, I smoked all the way through my pregnancy and X's childhood and he's alright' (apart from asthma!).

If things get really bad I'd consider sending your dd to your mum's, although I know that this might cause a row.

I havent had a chance to read the whole thread but I would not feel the least bit guilty about saying something about the smoking in the home. If they like to smoke they should have enough respect to not smaoke in your home especially with your dd around. I dont have this anymore but a couple years ago I actually put a no smoking sign in my house. Kind of a joke but a serious joke. I do not allow smoking in the house under no circumstances. Anyone who smokes has to go outside or not smoke. No exceptions. This may sound rude to some but smoking is such a health worry even when your not the one doing it. I just think this is the curteous thing to do. My dh and I have allergies and I hate the smell especially if it gets in my furniture or on my clothes. Dont be afraid to speak up especially to your dh smoking is also bad for second hand smoking. Good Luck.

Like ionesmum i heard that smokers breathe out the smoke for an hour after a cigarette, so smokers have never been allowed to hold my kids for an hour after smoking. At the end of the day you have to protect your kids - their needs come first.

Ask your in-laws to smoke outside.

Interesting that no-one has condoned smoking here !
Print al our comments out and tell DH that we are right behind you!!

Thank you so much for all the support. Everyone of you has given me such sensible thoughts that it has helped me feel not quite so mean about feeling so strongly about it all.
I have just heard from them that they now intend to come down in the middle of September instead. A bit of a breathing space (no pun intended) but more time to dwell on it..
I know that I will have to put up with them smoking downstairs but have decided to ask them to restrict it to the kitchen. That way I will be able to keep my dd directly out of the worst of it and just put up with it myself when cooking etc. I do feel like I am putting them before my family?s health which makes me feel weak and guilty but cannot see a better way out that will avoid a major family rift. They have an annoying mix of being totally insensitve to other?s feelings and perspectives whilst remaining very sensitive and defensive when anyone criticises their habit - I gues they know how wrong it is and cannot bear being told about it. (In one restaurant they made such a fuss and refused to pay the bill because their were told not to smoke at the end of a meal - there were signs up but they had not see them... ) they think everyone is too OTT about the medical evidence (!!!!) as they had 3 healthy children who have no health problems (!!!!) - Believe me, they are just incapable of calm and rational discussion on the issue and will be terminally offended - as will my dh who is so desperate for them to visit and have a perfect time. I do feel a little sorry for them as their other 2 children have given them a terrible time recently - one messy divorce has prevented them seeing grandchildren after seeing them 3 times a week and the other child is causing huge problems with the police. They do deserve a break and a little TLC - I just wish it wasn?t at the expense of our health.
I am going out today to buy one of those special odour trapping ash trays and some tobacco candles!!! Evening barbeques and lunch picnics in the garden followed by as many trips out as I can manage to persuade them.....
I wishI could be more pro-active about all your sensible advice and apologise - but i am just being honest and admitting that I am going to try damage limitation and the grin and bare it route instead. Sorry.

JayTree
you could think about it another way. What your dd is going to get from them is bags of love, for as long as they are alive - that she will return if she is allowed to. The relationship is obviously important to them, and from your dh's reaction they were obviously loving parents otherwise he would not be so concerned about them. Your dd will get an awful lot of benefit from knowing and loving them. And although they may be couch potatoes, you did say that they will definitely want to play with her.

Why don't you try just observing what they do around her - if they actually smoke while holding or playing with her, I think you could quite easily ask them not to because of the obvious danger of burning. But if they are smoking in the same house as her, I think you may just have to put up with it.

They may not be your preferred kind of people, but I am sure your dd will love them, and they her, if you let them. And good grandparetns are a huge boost to any child.

Jaytree
I think your DH should definately ask his parents to smoke outside whilst they are staying with you, It may even cause them to smoke fewer cigs which wont do them any harm.My DH and I both smoke but dont smoke in the house we go into the garage we also dont smoke in anybody elses house. You are doing the right thing you are looking after the health of your child and they should ynder stand this.
Good Luck hope it all goes ok.

I am also a smoker (started again after 2 years due to major stress when dd was 2 weeks) and also think it's not unreasonable to confine the fil and mil to one room/outside.

I must say I'm quite pleased there are other smokers - maybe we should start a giving up thread?

My mum got fed up of having to smoke in our garden when she came to see us and so she gave it up altogether!! Another factor was my chidlren nagging her about it. It was amazing how much her health improved. She'd had a wheezy chesty cough for years and that disappeared totally. She is, of course, rabidly anti-smoking now!!

We had this problem the other way around. DP's Dad smoked and there is this socially polite thing where you can't tell people what to do in their own house. I was never happy with DS being there quite frankly. His pram used to smell of his smoke for instance.

Jenny2998, where did you read about the smoke hanging round for half an hour afterwards on breath? I ask, as I read this some time ago, but can't remember where. My aunt thinks I'm bonkers and making it up and says that once I've got used to being a parent I won't be so over-protective. I hate being made to feel that this is me being some sort of paranoid parent when it is an undisputed fact that smoking and passive smoking kill.

JayTree, I really sympathise, however, when it comes to my child's health I wouldn't actually care who I offended as I believe it should always come first. (apologies for my venom on the subject, but as you may have guessed, I am an ex-smoker, and we really are always the worst!)

Ellaroo, I hope thatyou and jenny don't mind me jumping in but I saw this in a parenting magazine. It was in a reply from their resident midwife to a letter re passive smoking.

Me too jbr.
Ds used to smell terribly of smoke after a visit to my inlaws even though fil allegedly did not smoke in the same room as the kids.