What am I doing wrong?

[PleaseDontTakeMySunshineAway]

I'm mid 40s. Single for around 8 years apart from a few short flings and content to stay that way, although I would like to see myself in a relationship with someone one day.

The problem I find, repeatedly, is this.

I'm just not what men are looking for. I know, I know, men aren't a homogenous group; I don't need to find hundreds of men who are 'looking for' me, just the one; beauty comes from the inside and all that but I keep having the same recurring issue. They seem to like and be attracted to 'me' but equally seem to be embarrassed to be seen with me and don't seem to find me physically attractive. I've only ever been with one man who I genuinely believed was attracted to me, physically as well as mentally, and it showed.

My relationships have all failed because they've 'struggled' with this and I've got too much self respect to hang around until they manage to come to terms with being with me so I end them.

I feel I'm on a journey to becoming the 'best version of me' and have been on it for the past 8 years. I'm almost unrecognisable from the person I was a decade ago for the better.

In that time, I've met and dated a few men. One of them was very recently. All of them have really liked 'me' but there have been 'tells' that something wasn't quite right.

From suggesting I lose weight even when well within the 'healthy' range; to refusing to introduce me to friends; to not wanting to be seen with me in public locally to their home; to keeping their eyes closed throughout sex (presumably to think of someone else, I don't know!); to avoiding us being seen together by ex gfs; to not being easily sexually aroused when with me; to walking 6 feet in front of me when we were out and not speaking to me; to avoiding all forms of affection in public when I know that they are not generally averse to it.

I so often read on here women reassuring each other that it's what's on the inside that counts but my fragile confidence is being constantly hit by these experiences and I just don't know what I'm doing wrong.

Not 'constantly hit' as in I'm actively dating or trying to force relationships - in the past 8 years, I've met 4 men I've been attracted to enough to date them for a few months.

I don't do online dating or anything like that.

TL;DR version - what's on the inside is fine but what's on the outside seems to be offputting to men and a) I don't really know why and b) I'm not sure what I can do about it.

I don't actually think I'm that bad!

So sorry to hear that . I’m not sure how to help if we don’t know what you look like, how you dress etc but these men don’t sound worth your time and affection x

I think you are perhaps going for the same type of man/ the wrong type.

I used to go for a curtain guy was engaged to one ... Orlando bloom like alike loved fitness ... funny and jack the lad ... ok didn’t have your problems but he was controlling and cheated on me more than I could
Count.
He really did a number on me, he was also the best thing that happened to me as he opened me up to my now husband ... someone I wouldn’t have looked at before ... and I am so glad the heartbreak re shaped me to look at someone I would never have noticed before.

I also let my friends give him the once over before I considered letting him into my
Heart / and being crude the bedroom 😉

Why not try dating guys completely out of your normal box? Take it slow ( we literally courted for 4 months no sex we became great friends first ) on that basis if you want meet a few different guys ... Get a feel for what you want.

P.s these other guy you been with may be cheating with you on someone else maybe ?? They wouldn’t have dated you do they were ashamed to be seen with you but perhaps they have something to
Be ashamed of x x

Look alike

Are you absolutely sure that’s the case? Lots of couples of all shapes and sizes and levels of attractiveness are attracted to each other and wouldn’t behave like that.

I wonder if they were all men that wanted FWB rather than a GF/Partner and wanted joe public to think know they were still available?

I’m sure you are lovely but it sounds as though you may be attracting the wrong type of man .. maybe they just wanted casual and therefore didn’t want to appear to be involved with you so they could keep their options open .. I’ve had similiar and a good friend said to me “ if you don’t like what you are catching .. change the bait “ I realised I was attracting Mr “ you’ll do for now “ all the time because I was unconsciously giving out the message that I didn’t value myself x

That awful, I’m so sorry.

You could for sure be drawn to the wrong men.

How do you generally dress, smell, look? That sounds mega harsh but perhaps you don’t present in a an attractive way but have a lovely personality ?

I agree with the 'change your type' advice. My friend had disappointment after disappointment for about 10 years, changed the type of guy she went for and now married to such a lovely guy.

Being attractive, sexually or otherwise has absolutely nothing to do with what you look like or what you wear, it comes from you, it comes from inner confidence, being happy with yourself and who you are is what men find attractive, finding someone to have an actual relationship with is more about common interests and friendship.

I know you said you've been working on yourself for the last 8 years but have you got to this point yet? I suspect something is holding you back

That sounds mega harsh but perhaps you don’t present in a an attractive way but have a lovely personality ?

I guess this is what worries me the most

Personally, I think that they like 'me' and I'm the sort of woman they either want to be with or think they should be with personality/characteristically/lifestyle etc wise but they don't fancy me sufficiently for that attraction to be sustained. Or that they really liked me privately, but publicly were worried about what people would think of me and of them for being with me.

I'm currently a size 12/14. I think I'm averagely attractive. I've been told I would be quite pretty if I put a bit of make up on. I go to the gym a couple of times a week. I'm reasonably body confident - I don't parade around naked but I don't hide away under the duvet with the lights off either.

I think my weight has been an issue for some of them but I have a particular physical feature that I can do absolutely nothing about but that is considered to be unattractive and women are often mocked for it. So it doesn't matter how much they like me, I think this is a sticking point for them because they don't find it attractive and I think they feel ashamed that they have a girlfriend with X. I think they worry that their mates will take the piss out of me/them for it.

I think physically, I'm ok otherwise. I have my hair cut and coloured regularly. I don't really wear make up - at most, tinted moisturiser, lipgloss and mascara. But then I personally feel I look better without it. I know what suits my figure and I think I dress in clothes that flatter me best. I'm slightly 'unconventional' but then they can see that about me from the start. One thing that's always positively commented on is how authentic and genuine I am.

I also look around and see women of all shapes and sizes who are in lovely loving relationships and aren't experiencing this.

I also decided to change the bait years ago and the quality of men I attract now is far better than it used to be generally. But this physical feature of mine has always been an issue no matter who the man was. I never mention it. I don't draw attention to it in any way. I don't criticise myself physically; I don't invite comment on it. But, eventually, it gets commented on. And never positively.

Getting to know each other isn't the problem. The issue isn't one of personality or clashes in that respect; loss of interest or 'incompatibility'. If anything, that bit is always brilliant. I think they wrangle with the fact that we clearly get on well and are mentally/emotionally/intellectually attracted to each other and compatible but I'm not really who they envisaged being with lookswise/physically. And they can't get past that.

Honkycat Sadly, yes. They've all told me in one way or another that that is the problem. Sometimes it's been obvious from their behaviour. Other times, they've admitted it. Sometimes they've said it without really realising that they've done so.

Of course you shouldn’t change yourself just to suit other people, but it sounds like the physical feature you mention is really getting you down. Are you sure it’s not worth exploring the possibility of fixing it, as it may make you more comfortable in yourself? (I’m sure something could be done, whatever the issue is).

It is.

I was told growing up that no one would want me because of it. I've always tried to ignore that and believe the 'beauty is on the inside' thing but it's not true. Not long term. It seems to be the ultimate sticking point and the longer time goes on, the less I can keep telling myself something that clearly isn't true.

I don't want to give the impression of it being more serious than it is, so I suppose it's the equivalent of being completely flat chested - something that can be disguised initially, but not indefinitely and something that is considered 'unattractive'.

I used to just believe that I was 'unloveable' in general. Now I'm so much more confident in who I am as a person and I can see that who I am as a person, and what I have to offer 'on the inside' is fine but that the problem isn't me as a whole - it's this and what I look like physically generally. It's just not attractive.

As dating starts to look like a relationship, or as a relationship progresses, I can see them thinking "hang on, do I really want to spend the rest of my life with a woman with X?" And they don't.

Can you say what the physical feature is OP? Knowing what it is might elicit more directly helpful responses.

I have friends who met husbands from OLD. One was a size 16 and she had her pick of men on the site she was on. The man she married is very good looking. I don't think this has anything to do with how you look at all despite what they say. Those men just weren't right for you. The advice of dating men you wouldn't normally be interested in is good advice.

The men I've met/dated over the past few years are exclusively men I wouldn't previously have been interested in but it doesn't seem to have made any difference.

I seem to be exclusively meeting men who aren't right for me in that case.

I don't like talking about it really. It makes me feel sick to think about it I suppose the best way to describe it is that I look like I've had a Brazilian butt lift except that it's natural. And not a sexy size 8 round bum, but a size 12/14 covered in a layer of fat round bum. Going to the gym and exercising at home has toned it and improved the shape but I still don't like it and men don't seem to either.

Losing weight would reduce my size all around but not the shape.

Ok, got the idea OP and would be astonished if this would put genuine men off.

But it does.

The absolute best I've had was someone telling me they didn't care what I look like. I knew he loved me and fancied me. There was never any doubt - I felt safe, confident, attractive, sexy - just happy. I've only ever felt like that with one man so it did make a difference and it's not in my imagination.

I just want to feel desireable rather than tolerated. I want to be with someone who loves me on the inside and fancies the pants of me. I'm not really prepared to be with someone who doesn't fancy me but thinks I'm the sort of person they want to be with.

You have a big arse and you're worried this puts men off???!!! WORRY NO MORE.

Seriously I could smack your parents in the mouth for their shit remarks that have put your self esteem in the toilet.

I am a size 14-ish for most of my body but size 18 for my thighs and bum. Men love it. Seriously. Maybe not all men - but the ones I meet are into it, because duh, why would they contact me if not?

Get yourself an OLD profile, of the last three free profile photos have a casual one of you from the back.

Also get some counselling because the guys you've dated so far, I wouldn't have seen for more than 10 mins of our initial date!

Lots of men love a big arse!!! It's definitely a thing

What about the current fashion for a very curvy big arse shape? I can’t see those men treated you like that because of your bum.

What?!
Some men love big arses.
Lots of men.

I think you're fixating on that and blowing it out of all proportion for some reason (it's something you don't like about yourself) but that's not the real reason most of the relationships have not planned out.

Lots of the behaviour could be explained by other things - like people not being fully, entirely single/available/committed or bad manners/cluelessness etc.

A lot of people you meet Who 'date' are not actually available for one reason or another; hung up on ex/ not fully extricated from ex for example. I've had that and I have a very small arse, I can assure you.

op - I think you may have a self fulfilling proffer you due to what was said to you as a child - who told you when you was younger no one would love you - who the fuck said that. No wonder you have issues with this. It’s probably always at the back of your mind - you are waiting for them to “notice” and if they say something “it re-inforces the belief”
Why not look at having some cognitive behaviour therapy for this.
You sound so lovely and men are attracted to you.
We are all different size and shapes 🌺

Self fulfilling profecy

I think some of these things are your own issue. Like eyes closed or open. That wouldn't even register with me yet you see it as a negative. Walking behind me etc...couldn't care less. Please do get some counselling to counter those negative thoughts.
You sound fab and it's your own thoughts stemming from those family remarks that are hindering you.
You probably have met a few bad guys like a lot of women but you are over conscious.