You need someone who loves you, respects you, who treats you with kindness, laughs with you, who has your back, who supports you when you are down and who will accept your reasonable support in return
See, I thought this most recent man was this. He ticked all of those things. I think he really liked me. I just don't think he was attracted to me physically as much as I would like someone to be. He didn't criticise my body at all but he didn't make me feel like he desired me particularly either. But I think he considered this to be respectful - he wanted me to know that sex wasn't all he was interested in me for.
You don't sound harsh minmooch I think I'm going to look at counselling but I find it hard to see how that's going to change the way I see myself. I have had counselling in the past but not in recent years and not for this - I think I just accepted it as a sad truth tbh.
Emerald Only one man has ever fancied me "like crazy" 
so I don't think there's much chance of that happening! Thanks for the suggestion but I really can't think of anything less appealling than online dating. I did it for a while a few years ago and hated the whole thing.
Thank you Namastbae 
waterrat Thanks. Your post made a lot of sense. I know that in the past I have made poor choices in men for precisely the reasons you give. I think that is what I am struggling about with this most recent man.
I was aware when we met that he was not the sort of man I'd have looked at even 2 years ago. I'd have dismissed him outright as being 'too good' for me. When we met and started seeing each other, I didn't feel he was too good for me; I felt that he was a good man who I deserved.
I don't think he was habitually eyeing up other women - like I say, I only noticed it happening twice and he wasn't overt or trying to catch their attention - it was purely a glance and he did apologise rather than tell me it was normal and I had a problem for example. But it made me realise that he was noticing in them what I lack in myself and that was just too much for me. Even when I mentioned to him, he responded, mostly, in the way I would have wanted/expected him to but it was enough for me to accept that he wasn't sufficiently attracted to me and 'switch off'.
He didn't say crass things; he was very respectful in many ways. He ticked a lot of my boxes. He did show 'love' and was very attentive. I just don't think he fancied me. I think he was probably just a bit disappointed by how I look.
I can see where the other men I have dated in recent years were a bit shoddy and, as soon as I realised, I ended it at the time. But this last one, I really thought I had found a good, honest, trustworthy man and I believe he is those things tbh - obviously I can't give every detail here. I just don't think the way he felt about me phyiscally matched the way he felt about me emotionally and mentally. It got harder towards the end because I was withdrawing from him and he was still trying but I just couldn't do it.
remember That sounds like you've had pretty amazing experiences!! I would say that I'm currently a 12/14 - depending on where I shop. I tend to wear stretchy, jersey wrap dress type things because they are just most comfortable. From the front, I appear to have almost an hour glass figure - my hips are about the same width as my shoulders and, since putting on a bit of weight, I look more in proportion. But I do carry a bit of extra weight on my thighs and my bum is definitely round rather than 'just' big. I'm just generally a bit fat too at the moment tbh.
I think I would like to one day believe that I have a 'magnificent arse'! You are definitely getting something right!!