Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

This one isn’t on me, is it?

52 replies

AndTheSeaRollsOn · 02/06/2019 13:52

My DH has wasted his nearly £70k inheritance on nothing. I can account for £5k on a new car, £600 on furniture and £3k on his running trips. Everything else has gone. And now that I know it’s gone, he’s blaming me.

I’m self employed. My day rate is £240 - only a bit less than he earns in a week. However, he won’t pick up any of the slack because he ‘goes’ to work and I’m at home, so I’ve been limited to maybe two, three if I’m lucky, half days a week because he won’t collect DD from CM.

We should though, have had more than enough. All debt is in my name so my earnings have covered 50% of household outgoings and the debts. He didn’t need to keep topping his account up every time he got close to being overdrawn. I literally cannot fathom his logic or why he didn’t just say, let’s clear all debts and level our account balances?

At the end of the day, it’s his inheritance to spend how he sees fit. But I’m not wrong to tell him that he has no right to be angry with me because it’s all gone?

He refused to pay off the mortgage because he thought I was trying to trick him so I could divorce him and get it. I thought it was just sitting there while he decided what to do with it.

OP posts:
HennyPennyHorror · 02/06/2019 14:03

My God. Did the two of you not discuss what the money could be used for?

Did he just spend it on crap? What nights' out? Given his suspicion of you trying to 'trap him" I'd personally think he is trying to do the same thing.

he's hidden that money OP. It's not all gone at all.

HennyPennyHorror · 02/06/2019 14:03

Have you seen his bank statements?

DisplayPurposesOnly · 02/06/2019 14:05

What??

Your husband has blown £70k, the debts are all in your name and he actively limits your work by refusing to adjust his work pattern to accommodate childcare...

... Surely the question you should be asking is 'why am I with this man'?

AndTheSeaRollsOn · 02/06/2019 14:06

Yes I’ve been through the bank statements as he had a rare moment of remorse.

I wanted to clear the debts (about £7k) and pay off the mortgage. He wouldn’t discuss it. It was very much ‘his’ and not for me to have an opinion on.

OP posts:
userxx · 02/06/2019 14:10

Why are you with him? Seriously.

HennyPennyHorror · 02/06/2019 14:10

What's he spent it on OP? Is it clear in the statements?

AndTheSeaRollsOn · 02/06/2019 14:14

I have no idea why I’m with him right now. And I hate that, it’s not about the money. It’s that he could have changed our life.

Appears to be lots of amazon orders, stuff to do with running and the odd food shop. Literally nothing to tangibly show for any of it.

OP posts:
DisplayPurposesOnly · 02/06/2019 14:14

It really doesn't matter what he's spent it on. The issue is that this is not a partnership, which a good relationship should be. He's taking all the financial benefits and leaving you the burdens.

LizzieSiddal · 02/06/2019 14:17

Gosh what a useless idiot he is.

He won’t do childcare, he won’t work full time, he’s pissed 70K up the wall and the worse thing- he’s not skated his 70k with his family.

I couldn’t be with someone who was so mean and stupid.

LizzieSiddal · 02/06/2019 14:17

*shared

Herocomplex · 02/06/2019 14:22

I just can’t see how you won’t resent him now. There’s no problem ‘wasting’ an inheritance if that’s what you choose to do, but this isn’t about the money, is it.

youorme · 02/06/2019 14:23

Why didn’t he at least invest that money into ISAs! And it’s not “his to do with as he wishes”. You are married with a child and are supposed to be a team. Debts are in your name and you have a mortgage. How incredibly selfish is he? Awful, just awful. How can you bear him after this? Split up and then he’ll have to take DD half the time and then you can up your hours. He’s clearly not in this for the partnership is he. He’s utterly taking the piss. How is he blaming you? You had no access to that money.

PCohle · 02/06/2019 14:24

Over what period of time has the £70k been spent? He can't possibly have blown that amount of money on running gear and amazon orders - are you sure he isn't hiding money from you?

AndTheSeaRollsOn · 02/06/2019 14:26

It isn’t about the money at all. But he’s trying to make out that’s all I’m worried about.

I can’t see anywhere that it’s gone unless he’s been getting cash back and it’s under the mattress but I really don’t think he’d be clever enough to think of that given that he seems to be allergic to having real money in his wallet.

It’s over about two and a half years.

OP posts:
HennyPennyHorror · 02/06/2019 14:28

Display the reason I was asking what it was spent on was to try to help OP see that it might be possible he's hiding it somewhere. If she can see and account for all the cash, then fair enough...but I don't see how food shops etc account for that much.

OP when did he get the inheritance?

HennyPennyHorror · 02/06/2019 14:28

Oh I see....OP I think you know that you need to leave him.

dudsville · 02/06/2019 14:29

You don't t need another one piping up with the same comments so I'm just here adding to the numbers. It's not a healthy dynamic.

Hidingtonothing · 02/06/2019 14:34

No OP, it's not on you and the very fact that he's trying to blame you instead of taking responsibility for his own actions speaks volumes about how he views you and this marriage. And that's before you even factor in everything else in your post.

The fact that he was so mistrustful when you suggested paying off the mortgage, the way he restricts your earning potential, the refusal to do any pick ups for DC, it all adds up to someone who doesn't see his family as a team in any way whatsoever. It's almost like he thinks you're the enemy, just waiting to rip him off or screw him over, although I've no idea why he would think that based on what you've posted Confused

I don't think I could stay with someone who felt that way about me even without all the other shitty ways he's treating you. Is he generally a bit paranoid and 'everyone's out to get me' or is it just towards you OP?

Babyduck3 · 02/06/2019 14:43

No it's not on you, he's a adult and a father and should act like one. He could have changed all of your lives with that money but chose to (apparently) waste it on crap.
I bet whoever left him that money is turning in their grave knowing their hard earned cash has been wasted on rubbish.
I'd leave the waste of space personally.

AndTheSeaRollsOn · 02/06/2019 14:46

The enemy thing is exactly right. It’s like we’re always in battle. We have separated before. Once because he told me he’d only married me because of DD and once (which I posted about on here) because running had taken over his entire life (and actually is starting to creep back in at a scary pace).

I wouldn’t say he’s paranoid but he’s not a people person. His bosses are always weird, his colleagues are always in the wrong.

He is not the same man I married at all.

OP posts:
ThatLibraryMiss · 02/06/2019 15:01

He's spent over £2k/month on Amazon bits, running stuff and the odd food shop? Sorry, I'm struggling to believe that. What could you spend that much on that wouldn't take over the house?

YetAnotherUser · 02/06/2019 15:05

70k gone, with nothing to show for it?

Have you been able to rule out prostitutes and drugs?

ineedtostopbeingsolazy · 02/06/2019 15:13

I would leave him this is utterly ridiculous. He gets £70 and spends the lot on shit because you are tricking him if he pays the mortgage??
He doesn't sound well.

ElloBrian · 02/06/2019 15:17

There is so much wtf about your post OP that I don’t even know where to start.

TheInebriati · 02/06/2019 15:20

The Freedom Programme is online, start it today. It will be the best £10 you ever spend.

freedomprogramme.co.uk/online.php