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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

This one isn’t on me, is it?

52 replies

AndTheSeaRollsOn · 02/06/2019 13:52

My DH has wasted his nearly £70k inheritance on nothing. I can account for £5k on a new car, £600 on furniture and £3k on his running trips. Everything else has gone. And now that I know it’s gone, he’s blaming me.

I’m self employed. My day rate is £240 - only a bit less than he earns in a week. However, he won’t pick up any of the slack because he ‘goes’ to work and I’m at home, so I’ve been limited to maybe two, three if I’m lucky, half days a week because he won’t collect DD from CM.

We should though, have had more than enough. All debt is in my name so my earnings have covered 50% of household outgoings and the debts. He didn’t need to keep topping his account up every time he got close to being overdrawn. I literally cannot fathom his logic or why he didn’t just say, let’s clear all debts and level our account balances?

At the end of the day, it’s his inheritance to spend how he sees fit. But I’m not wrong to tell him that he has no right to be angry with me because it’s all gone?

He refused to pay off the mortgage because he thought I was trying to trick him so I could divorce him and get it. I thought it was just sitting there while he decided what to do with it.

OP posts:
HollowTalk · 02/06/2019 15:28

You need to get away from him. Anyone who can be so utterly selfish isn't fit to live with his family.

It's really shocking you have debts while he's squandered his inheritance but you'll get out of debt much quicker if you separate.

SunshineCake · 02/06/2019 15:35

Given he thought you were planning on divorcing him I fucking would. What a twat.

SunshineCake · 02/06/2019 15:36

Why does he get to decide not to pick his child up?

RandomMess · 02/06/2019 15:38

Sounds like you would be better off single...

Beautiful3 · 02/06/2019 15:42

He could have paid off your mortgage and cleared your debts?! But decided to waste it!!! That's so stupid of him. He is not to be trusted with money ever again, what a numpty.

RandomMess · 02/06/2019 15:46

How can he feasibly frittered away that much per
Month without some expensive habits?

Gambling, going out and flashing the cash, eating out daily, shopping habit...?

RandomMess · 02/06/2019 15:47

Are you sure he hasn't siphoned some off into a secret account in case you divorce him/carry on funding his running trips?

PuppyMonkey · 02/06/2019 15:54

I don't understand this. You've seen bank statements going right back two and half years?

So yu can see £70,000 going in his account and then withdrawals like:
Amazon stuff, £100.
Food shop, £100
Running twattery, £300
etc etc
More Amazon, £350.

And the £70,000 is ALL accounted for? Hmm

ViolentBrutishAndShort · 02/06/2019 16:15

I agree with PP. I suspect he has hidden this money given his nature and the comments he makes. He is judging you by his own standards OP.

Confusednomore · 02/06/2019 16:17

A man that mentions divorce and money in the same breath is a scheming bastard op. Take it from me. I know.

I guarantee the money's not gone. He wants out. He wants to blame you. He's got you saying 'it's not about the money' as if you're at fault for caring where it's gone.

I'm v sorry op. Not good. Don't waste your life with him.

Redcliff · 02/06/2019 16:48

Bloody hell! If either me or my DH got any large amount of cash it would go straight to paying off the mortgage. I reckon I could fritter away a fair wack of cash if I put my mind to it but just wouldn't be that selfish.

GeorgiaGirl52 · 02/06/2019 17:08

He has either hidden the money in a secret account OR
He has a gambling habit.
Don't waste any more time on him. Get out while you can.

Horsemenoftheaclopalypse · 02/06/2019 23:33

£3k on his running trips.

My jaw dropped at this.

But you have bigger problems than this and it’s not even the inheritance

Your home set up is massively dysfunctional (you are hamstrung from earning good money then he wants to lord the fact he is the breadwinner over you Confused) and your husband doesn’t like you.

Thatnameistaken · 03/06/2019 06:14

That's a bizarre way for him to behave. You are not a partnership. If either dp or myself recieved an inheritance it would be 'ours' to pay off /pay for whatever 'we' need. The debt that we have is in my dp's name because he's the higher earner but the debt is ours, and as such if I inherited a sum of money it would go directly into the pot. I think you deserve better than this OP

Giraffeinabox · 03/06/2019 06:22

Option1. Hes gambled it.
Option2. Hes actually spent it and been a right royal fast paced twat.
Option3. My personal fave- hes hidden it, is waiting for you to say "i canot deal with this" and suggest a divorce and he will say "well i knew you would do this, thank fuck i put the money aside to pay for my legal fees"

AndTheSeaRollsOn · 03/06/2019 10:25

It’s option 2 and a bit of 3. I was looking at his current account statement and could see the money going in, say £300 and then him flippantly spending it over the week before repeating the process.

But then I asked to see the actual savings account statement. He’s put £5000 into an ISA, and transferred £12000 to his mother, which he said he’d done because she asked him to pay back what we ‘owed’ them. But I text SIL who I know has had a lot of money over the years to ask if she’d had to do the same and she hadn’t. I already knew BIL hadn’t as we know what he’s done with the money.

So DH spoke to MIL and she said she’d asked for it to put aside for him. There’s been quite a big discussion between him and both his parents.

So, it’s not all gone on fripperies. But mostly.

FIL is coming to see me today as he’s devastated DH has done this and mortified at MIL (who asked for the money after we’d decided not to separate - we were just struggling to deal with grief at the time) but knows, as I do, that diversion of funds is not seen as a good thing. FIL also offered to clear our debts as a gift but I don’t feel comfortable accepting that.

OP posts:
RandomMess · 03/06/2019 11:00

Well the £12k could come back to clear the debts and pay off a bit of the mortgage!

ScoobyCan · 03/06/2019 11:22

I have no idea why I’m with him right now. And I hate that, it’s not about the money. It’s that he could have changed our life.

^^this. @AndTheSeaRollsOn I'm in the last stages of the most acrimonious divorce battle and it has all transpired that it is about finances. I got rid of STBXH because of the way he was treating the DC - however financial disclosure has been absolutely enlightening and utterly devastating. Huge mortgage, credit card debt, all sorts - and yet income which could have been life changing. Gambled, frittered, hidden. £70k over two years is preposterous. Even if £12k has gone to his mother (that was so he didn't have to share it with you, you know that right?)

Thanks
MrMagooo · 03/06/2019 13:07

I'm just picking up on the - he didn't want to pay if the mortgage because he thinks I am trying to trick him

That alone doesn't sound like a healthy relationship. Sorry

Horsemenoftheaclopalypse · 03/06/2019 19:03

So he has hidden the money with his mum 😒

What a prize turd...

SabineUndine · 03/06/2019 19:20

So he's given some of the money to his mum to hide it, and frittered the rest so that you can't get any of it?

I'd show him the door, get a good solicitor and get very very tough indeed.

HennyPennyHorror · 03/06/2019 22:14

What an utter prick. Well OP...what are you going to do?

timeisnotaline · 03/06/2019 22:27

It’s a shame he’s hidden some of it. Both because it says he’s been nastily planning and knows it which makes accusing you even nastier, and also because it must be a little satisfying to think that when (surely it’s just a matter of when, I remember a previous thread of yours I think) you leave him you can think he could be left with his £70k of inheritance but he’s got fuck all. Shame. And now you can only say buthes only got £17k - at least it’s only till his mum gives it back to him and he fritters it all away on running shit etc.

AndTheSeaRollsOn · 04/06/2019 12:47

I don’t know what to do really.

It’s more about the lies and irresponsibility than the money. He could have blown the lot on following marathons around the world for all I care, but to have done anything so recklessly foolish with it without thinking about it. It’s so immature.

FIL was lovely but I kept saying to him that it’s really not his problem. He just feels responsible as MIL also lied and DH had no idea the money was still ‘his.’

It’s just felt like since we got married it’s been one drama after the other. I’m planning a trip away that I need to take for work anyway but wasn’t going to do until later in the year and will use the time to really think about what I want now. He’s had so many chances and then he does something else stupid but because it’s different to every other time, he always thinks the marriage vows should hold.

OP posts:
NotAgainKen · 04/06/2019 13:22

he always thinks the marriage vows should hold.

I'm pretty sure when DH and I got married there was some spiel about 'what is mine I share with you' or some such...