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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Husband is amazing but drinks too much

64 replies

Adviceplease1986 · 02/06/2019 13:09

Hi all
I have name changed as he knows I use mumsnet.
my husband is truly the best man I have ever known he is a great dad he looked after her from day 1 when I was poorly in hospital.
She is now over a year and a half.
He loves a drink and for a while it was only at weekends but it's started to creep in to the week days aswell.
Weekends he starts from around 4pm and by 7 he slurs and I just feel myself closing off from him just getting annoyed.
He is sensitive and If I say anything he will just say fine I won't drink anymore but it will leave me with guilt as I don't mind a few drinks but I wish he would try and limit it.

Any advice for how to address this

OP posts:
HollowTalk · 02/06/2019 13:12

That's a huge problem, isn't it?

I don't know what to suggest - he's clearly a nice guy but his problem is increasing and it'll affect your family and your mental health. Would he see a GP? How much is he drinking? Does he carry on after 7 pm?

CatPunsFreakMeowt · 02/06/2019 13:17

If he can’t go without a drink or is drinking to excess he’s an alcoholic. Does he realise this or is he in denial?

Original poster
Adviceplease1986 · 02/06/2019 13:19

Thank you for your quick response.
He will buy a large crate of beer on a Friday, along with a few glass bottles. He will drink until bedtime which is 11pm he sits there gaming when I go to sleep. He won't see a Dr.

He has been amazing when our little girl was born I was in the ITU and hospital for a week and when I got home had a breakdown took a month to get better and he took care of her alone. His job is also stressful.
I just miss him I would love to lay on the sofa and watch a film without him getting drunk.

OP posts:
DtPeabodysLoosePants · 02/06/2019 13:24

He's an alcoholic. He needs help to get sober and you need help too. Al-anon help families of alcoholics to cope. I'm sorry OP Flowers

feelingsinister · 02/06/2019 13:28

I guess the issue isn't whether or not he considers his drinking to be problematic, you do. You don't want to spend your evenings with someone slurring and passes out on the sofa.

He might not want to discuss it but that doesn't make it go away so he's going to have to listen or read an email or something.

You need to decide what your red line is and try to stick to it. I know that sounds harsh but in my experience, that's better than waiting for the other person to sort their shit out because you could be waiting a long time.

letstryanewone · 02/06/2019 13:28

If you think he will stop it you ask him then ask him, why would you feel guilty about that?

Original poster
Adviceplease1986 · 02/06/2019 13:37

Hi
I am a worrier, I hate upsetting people and if I think I'm going to upset someone i just avoid the subject.
I would feel guilt because I see it as his pleasure in life he doesn't spend time at pubs he doesn't go out. He is a family man this is the only issue I have with him.

It's not just about the slurring I worry about his health as I want him around for as long as possible

OP posts:
Jacksback · 02/06/2019 13:39

Would you trust your child with him if you wanted a night out with your own friends ?

X

HollowTalk · 02/06/2019 13:41

I don't think that he necessarily has to stop drinking altogether for the rest of his life, but he really needs to know that if he carries on like this then he risks losing his family. You need a serious talk with him where you ask him how he wants his daughter to remember her childhood, how much she's affected even now (financially it must cost a bomb - that money could have been saved for her future or for a holiday or a bigger house.) He needs to be reminded that you don't have to stay with him, that you do now because you love him, but if you don't spend any kind of quality time with him, that love will die. You have to be hard-hitting, OP.

Original poster
Adviceplease1986 · 02/06/2019 13:42

Yes I would he would not drink if he was alone with her

OP posts:
HollowTalk · 02/06/2019 13:43

Can you have a look at the units he's drinking in a week?

The Adrian Chiles' documentary on iPlayer is really good - he hadn't realised how much he was drinking.

Guardian article on Adrian Chiles.

pointythings · 02/06/2019 13:44

This won't get better unless he admits there's a problem. An alcoholic isn't defined by how much or how often they drink but by the impact their drinking has on their lives and the lives of the people around them.

It isn't OK to drink so much that you're slurring drunk by 7 pm. That's removing yourself from family life, neglecting your responsibilities as a parent and a father.

My late H used to say drinking was his only pleasure in life - I told him he needed to find or rediscover other pleasures that were there to be had. The same applies to your H; the fact that drinking is his only 'hobby' isn't an excuse or a valid reason to inflict this on you.

And this will affect your child as they get older. They will very soon see that their father is in every way absent.

Please go to Al-Anon. They will help you deal with your co-dependency, they will teach you to set healthy boundaries, they will teach you the coping skills you are going to need.

Oh, and if AttilaTheMeerkat comes on this thread, listen to every word they say.

springydaff · 02/06/2019 13:49

He's sensitive when you mention the drinking? Is he only sensitive about the booze, or generally sensitive about everything?

Original poster
Adviceplease1986 · 02/06/2019 13:50

He's a sensitive person in general bless him.

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 02/06/2019 13:53

Looking after his child is just standard, I am afraid. Nothing out of the ordinary there and certainly does not elevate him above being a shit husband and father because he has a drinking problem.

Your dc may be too young yet for direct effects on them...but when they are old enough to invite friends round how will it be when their father is slurring at 7pm ?

AnyFucker · 02/06/2019 13:53

Bless him ? Christ.

Original poster
Adviceplease1986 · 02/06/2019 13:57

He is a fantastic dad and a fantastic husband I only wanted advice about the drinking

OP posts:
springydaff · 02/06/2019 13:58

Alcohol addiction destroys families - an agonising death. It destroys everything it touches, no mercy. The booze comes first, regardless.

If he is an alcoholic - and it sounds like it - he can never drink in moderation or ever drink again. He'll need support for that - but not from you. AA is free, he can go any time near where you live. No one there will bat an eyelid or make a fuss. He'll get the specialist advice and support he needs there.

This will get worse op. Gradually you'll see the lovely side of him less and less. Alcoholism is a progressive disease. Sad

Original poster
Adviceplease1986 · 02/06/2019 14:00

Thank you springydaff your advice has been amazing I will speak to him and start this I know he would always chose me and our daughter above drinking it's time for me to step up and ask him to stop.

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 02/06/2019 14:01

You are getting the relevant advice. You are still at the rationalising and enabling stage. Things will not change until you alter your approach I am afraid.

Namastbae · 02/06/2019 14:03

Tell him how you feel. If he says "ok I'll never drink again", instead of feeling guilty, just say "ok well that's your choice. All I ask is that you cut down/ drink occasionally/ whatever but if you would prefer not to drink at all that's fine."
Then move on.

letstryanewone · 02/06/2019 14:03

I'm going to add a different response. I had a friend like this, just no off switch when it came to alcohol but she certainly wasn't an alcoholic, she just honestly couldn't see it was a problem. Until she married and he finally ended up filming her drunk to show what she was like. And after that she changed

Please talk to him OP, if you're going to people please then you count as people too! Please yourself too. Don't expect him just to change unless you talk to him

Original poster
Adviceplease1986 · 02/06/2019 14:05

Thank you all, I am at fault here too I've just carried on and ignored it. It's time for me to step up and speak to him

OP posts:
springydaff · 02/06/2019 14:08

What did she replace the booze with newone?

Ronia · 02/06/2019 14:09

I had a friend like this, just no off switch when it came to alcohol but she certainly wasn't an alcoholic, she just honestly couldn't see it was a problem

The very definition of an alcoholic. It's very misunderstood by many and often not recognised.

OP will done for realising it's something you're going to have to speak to him about. But prepared to stand firm in yourself and belief that this is problematic because I guarantee there'll be pushback at some point. Also you can get support via AL Anon too. Great support exists for people living with alcoholics.

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