Husband is amazing but drinks too much

[Adviceplease1986]

Hi all
I have name changed as he knows I use mumsnet.
my husband is truly the best man I have ever known he is a great dad he looked after her from day 1 when I was poorly in hospital.
She is now over a year and a half.
He loves a drink and for a while it was only at weekends but it's started to creep in to the week days aswell.
Weekends he starts from around 4pm and by 7 he slurs and I just feel myself closing off from him just getting annoyed.
He is sensitive and If I say anything he will just say fine I won't drink anymore but it will leave me with guilt as I don't mind a few drinks but I wish he would try and limit it.

Any advice for how to address this

The trouble with problem drinking is that it is threefold:

1. particular brains (genetic) have synapses that go 'aaaah!' when alcohol hits them. THIS CANNOT BE CONTROLLED and this alcohol buzz is the 'disease' part of alcoholism.

1. then, drinking becomes A HABIT. The more often you drink, the more that 'reward behaviour' you describe happens, and the more is consumed in order to get the buzz.

1. This drinking affects family members and friends. If someone bad happened in the middle of the night - a child in distress, and electrical short circuit that required wakefulness and reaction - drinking becomes deadly.

Al Anon in my opinion a complete must for anyone around problem drinking. Anyone around problem relationships tbh! It is an incredible programme to detach and focus on self, whilst still being kind and compassionate.

AA has quite a low success rate, and requiring complete abstinence to deal with the biological fact of point 1. is a lot to ask of human beings. But 12 Steps programme vital and a complete spiritual gift IMO.

There is an alternative programme that has a higher success rate, called the Sinclair Method. This is a drug (Naltrexone) that is taken at a time before a person decides to drink . The opiate inhibitor TAKES AWAY THE BUZZ of alcohol. So if you continued, you would still get drunk etc, but there is no fun in it.

Therefore, the rate of drinking is much lower, and the 'habit' part dies down. Google 'Sinclair Method'.

You only take it on the decision to drink. Therefore, very useful for corporate shindigs, gambling situations (why do casinos in Las Vegas push low price or free alchohol?) or where you need your wits about you.

The reason Naltrexone is not widely known about, is that no pharmaceutical company owns it, therefore no profits, no incentive to push it.

Also, rehab is a multi billion dollar industry which would be threatened by a small pill that is a fraction of the cost and does not demand total abstinence for the rest of your life, ever, which is such a hard thing for humans to do given our impulsivity and quest for pleasure.

It goes without saying that people must need to admit like in AA, that they are powerless over alcohol and look to a higher power to overcome the insanity.
I think 12 steps should be mandatory in the Sinclair Method as well, to address the selfishness of addictive personalities who cause so much chaos to people who love them.

But please spread the word about Naltrexone.

Talking about problems, anxieties and feelings are best served fresh (at the time of occurring). Self awareness is not a strong point in men so things like meditation techniques help.
If he slurs, tell him he is slurring so he can be aware of it. If he is sherking responsibilities then make him aware of it. He sounds a good guy, and good guys need good pointers.

You go to your GP and ask for a subscription.

Dof6 thank you so much for your words.
We have had a really good long chat and I believe it's been a great first step.

AA has quite a low success rate,

How is the success or non success rate known since AA keep no records?

Adviceplease

re your comments in quote marks:-

"Ok I have spoken to him and we are working through it I shouldn't have been worried he was actually very open and honest".

No, he told you what you wanted to hear. They are masters of denial after all. YOU are carrying him and the 3 act play continues.

"I came on here for advice to ask how to approach it but maybe I didn't phrase it well".

You phrased it just fine but any and all approaches from you to him re this subject will fail. There are no guarantees when it comes to alcoholism. The will to actually address the root causes of his alcoholism (and there are many) as well as seeking help for this has to come from him and him alone. What has he himself done since your chat to address his alcohol issues?. And without any influence from you?.

"I love my husband and he loves me and our daughter".

I do not doubt that you love him but he really loves alcohol more. You are perhaps also confusing love here with codependency; alcoholism and codependency often go hand in hand.

Alcohol is what his primary relationship is with, its not with you or your DD.

"I would like to thank those who have given me advise without judging as I have only given you a small fragment of our life together".
"I have made the first step to resolving this and with the support of his family we will resolve this issue".

Oh dear, now you have really taken on the mantle of enabling him. Do you really think this is going to work?. Who apart from your own self made you responsible here for this?. It has to come from him, not you or his family. What makes you think that either you or his family can help him at all?. You are all too close to the situation and are woefully underqualified to help, not that he wants your help anyway. Now your own energies are going to be further concentrated on him at the overall expense of your DD who will be seeing her mother further tie her own self up emotionally in knots. You are still not protecting her from his alcoholism.

"He is a great dad, I am far from perfect myself but we are happiest when we are all together".

Women in poor relationships write the good dad comment when they can say nothing else positive about their man,. No he is not a great dad because of his alcoholism and HE is happiest when you are all together. Not you and certainly not your child. You are still getting what you want out of this relationship and that amongst other factors is a need to be needed.

You are indeed as caught up in his alcoholism as he is; it is not called the "family disease" for nothing because all family members are affected by the behaviours of the alcoholic.

Southwestten the success rate of AA is around 5% (will look for the stats for you)

I really hope you saw by my remarks that I am a huge 12 Steps proponent and I am not at all hostile to AA.

But this horrible disease that creates such havoc in families requires that we look at all the solutions in a flexible and open minded manner.

I was in a similar situation a few months ago! We had many arguments about how much he was drinking and it all came to a head when I discovered he was drinking more than I realised but covering it up! I told him I loved him and I wanted our relationship to work but I did not want to live with an alcoholic and I do not want my kids growing up seeing it as a norm (his father was also a heavy drinker who was was enabled by mil) so he had a choice to make! He has not had a drink in the house since before Xmas and only once while we were out a a family birthday! Sometimes he tells me he would like to be able to enjoy a few beers on his nights off but I make it very clear that if that is the life he wants to lead then he can do it elsewhere! I worry maybe I am being too controlling but I have to put my kids first and no matter how much I love him I have set my boundaries and I refuse to budge!

For anyone who is in a sh* relationship or is having their life impacted by addiction, I would like to share my strength, experience and hope about what Al Anon has done for me.

As Attila and others have said, it is not the substance but the vile, shitty behaviours around addiction that cause the damage.

Co dependents feed into these with their own character defect. I was literally addicted to my ExH and traumatically bonded to him. I obsessed about him, his behaviour and what I could do to change his behaviour - to the expulsion of 'me'.

I crawled into Al Anon and sat my bum on those seats even though it sounded like a cult and people kept saying 'we are very grateful!' like those toys in the machine in Toy Story. I went back because of the calmness and serenity of the older people in the room and because I was desperate, on my knees destroyed desperate. In the calm readings and shares of people who were further down the road than me, I learned more about how to be a compassionate and whole human being focused on self care, than years of therapy had.

The programme of 12 steps and traditions is a blue print for clarity: how to live an ethical, safe and clear life in relationships, family and work.

Through Al Anon I very calmly sat in the middle of two friends being toxic to to each other - and was experienced as safe by both of them! Why? The boundaries and compassion I learned in Al Anon. I have learned to 'mind my own business' (a very spiritual practice). I discovered that when you change, the world around you changes. My anxiety and depression lifted. My victim world view left me. I found the courage to go back to university, and start up my own business.

Had I gone to Al Anon years before when my higher power told me of the opportunity (I was too scared to go), I don't think I would have got divorced. I now acknowledge the part my explosive reactivity to his bad behaviour played in the dynamic.

Sorry, just have to tell people about this miracle that is available for free and what happens when you work daily on changing the habits of a lifetime, if you keep going to meetings and keep trying to apply the blueprint of good living [whatever happens] that is 12 steps.

Everyone really jumps straight to the bad thoughts don't they.

Maybe he is an alcoholic, maybe he has just got into bad habits because you haven't said anything to him.

I think starting at 4 on a Saturday when that should be family time is a bit much, maybe his thinking is he's had a hard week, you've not said anything, he assumes it's fine to do.

The first thing, which you seem to be doing is talk to him.

It also sounds like after having a baby he finds it hard / might be bored with life as it is. Me and my partners wine intake both went up together after kids. I'm sure you find it hard too but we're not talking about you.

There are two parties on this forum. Some who think you should never drink if you have kids or only once they've gone to bed. You can't put your life on hold just because something Might happen.

Talk to him. If he is drinking a lot every day/week there are the health issues. The Adrian child's doc is a good one and since then I try to be aware of how many units I have, it really does make you think.

See if he can cut down, the first thing that has to go is the sat 4pm thing. Don't you do things together on the sat. It's possibly just boredom and habit. If he can switch to having his first drink in the evening then that is a start in the right direction.

Personally I think everyone can let drinking too much creep in at times but it's what you do with that fact when you realise it's become too frequent or it's causing a problem.

I really hope it works out for you OP but bitter experience tells me that you will be back to square one within six months unless he acknowledges he has a problem and seeks outside help.

We're not judging you or your family, we're trying to help using our knowledge and experience.

Keep a note of this thread and keep your boundaries clear.

Best of luck

Screaming - thank you for your reply. I was just interested as to how statistics for AA were collated as they don’t keep records.

Hi @Adviceplease1986, I too have been where you are now. You have had lots of good advice from others who've been there. He's drinking enough for it to be having an effect on you. That's too much. You've had a talk with him, now he can decide what he's going to do - you ask how to address it, but it's all on him, you really can't do it for him.

Meanwhile, you could perhaps give Al-anon a go too. It's been my life line. If he doesn't believe he has a problem, then he shouldn't have an issue with you going just to see if you find it useful. You don't have to say anything, but You'll find other people will talk about things that resonate with you, you'll find advice and support. You are allowed to put your own needs first. Good luck op 🤗