Husband is amazing but drinks too much

[Adviceplease1986]

Hi all
I have name changed as he knows I use mumsnet.
my husband is truly the best man I have ever known he is a great dad he looked after her from day 1 when I was poorly in hospital.
She is now over a year and a half.
He loves a drink and for a while it was only at weekends but it's started to creep in to the week days aswell.
Weekends he starts from around 4pm and by 7 he slurs and I just feel myself closing off from him just getting annoyed.
He is sensitive and If I say anything he will just say fine I won't drink anymore but it will leave me with guilt as I don't mind a few drinks but I wish he would try and limit it.

Any advice for how to address this

You need to have a firm conversation with him. He’s an alcoholic and if he doesn’t stop drinking he’ll ruin all your lives. Slurring by 7pm is horrendous. What’s he going to do when your baby stops going to bed early?

You didn't cause it

You can't control it

You can't cure it

The thre C's are on him. You are a mere bystander I am afraid.

YOU ARE NOT AT FAULT!

Sorry for shouting but all your posts are making excuses for him. He's not amazing for looking after his own child while you, his wife, was ill. That's just what normal people do. If the roles were reversed would you expect to be worshipped and tiptoed around forever?

Alcoholism is never the fault of the partner or family. You will learn pretty quickly the three Cs:

You didn't cause it.
You can't control it.
You can't cure it.

It's all down to him. Good luck.

You need to decide what you are willing to live with and need to be willing to walk away if he won't change and continues to impact your life with his drinking.

In a few years time your daughter will see him slurring his words at 7pm, she'll see you putting up with it.

When you tackled him, he said fine he wouldn't drink anymore? that sounds like a childish reaction from him, why not agree to cut back? he wants his own way so he made you feel guilty and you gave in? You are in a really difficult situation and just because he was excellent after you gave birth it doesn't mean you have to put up with misery now.

X post @AnyFucker, great minds

My dp is the same. He has drank nearly every night since we met. Even after we had dc's. I've gone through every single emotion, but right now I'm at the 'ah well let him get in with it' stage. I've stopped being shocked by it and I've given up hope that he'll stop. Do you really want to feel like that in five years?

Everything you have all said makes a lot of sense.
I think it's because he can choose to not drink and has been known to go with out or say no thanks to a drink that I don't recognise.
Its where he drinks it like water that concerns me he doesn't savour it.
But as I don't drink I don't understand it.

I am going to speak with him when our little girl has a nap x

We have been together for 11 years and he has always loved a drink. But we are a strong couple we don't row as we don't need to we discuss the issues. The only problem is the drink which I will address today

Too much is a subjective quantity, not that your definition is unreasonable but it isn't necessarily his.

I drink too much - I drink a bottle of wine a day but it doesn't currently affect anyone else as I live alone. I class myself as a psychological alcoholic. I don't have any physical need to drink and no physical symptoms when I occasionally have a night off.

No- one else tells me I drink too much because it doesn't affect them and the only one's that are close enough to care drink as much as me when we are together (they don't drink every night though). This is just to give some context to my thoughts.

If I was told I drink too much or to drink less it would feel like an attack, I many get defensive, I would think it was none of their business, It wouldn't affect how much I drink - unless it was to have an extra 'fuck you' glass.

The only way I would listen is if someone explained how my drinking affected them - without asking/telling me to change. (As in I feel worried when you drink every night and I would really like it if we could spend a couple of evenings with o alcohol)' - rather than 'You make me feel worried when you drink and you shouldn't drink so much') They would also need to do it at a time when I didn't actually have a drink in my hand (or body). It still wouldn't be easy for me as I do have a psychological reliance and I find the thought of an evening without alcohol quite difficult.

I don't know if this is helpful in any way but hoping sharing my feelings may help.

Does he realise he is slurring at 7pm? Tell him.

It sounds like you have been pussy footing around him for a Iong time. Tell him what you see and what’s it’s like for you and his child.

The majority of alcoholics can give up for a day /week/month and say no sometimes.

His drinking it like water is a big giveaway.

Yep he's an out and out alcoholic.
He's not a good father or husband.

Op please go to al Anon. You will find help and support there. As pps have said, you cannot stop your dh drinking.

'The only problem is the drink'
It's not though is it, it's everything. Here's my main issues with my DP drinking;
1.) I am always the responsible adult in the evenings as he isn't capable of being responsible for two small children when he's drank four cans.
2.) I can't drink as much as I have to be responsible for driving the dc's to nursery in the morning. Therefore his decision is quite selfish. I also thought this when I was pregnant, there was no 'I'll cut down in solidarity.'
3.) the money side. When we are struggling and he suggests that we don't have a summer holiday, why does his beer find never get cut.
4.) his utter disregard for his own health. For the fact that he might not live long enough to see our children become adults. The fact that I'll perhaps have to drive him to have dialysis every few days and will end up being a carer.
5.) his general weakness and addiction. It's quite good unattractive, someone who can't say no.

Sorry to split hairs but addiction isn't weakness, regardless how it looks. Addicts often have extraordinarily strong wills.

The rest stands tho.

adviceplease1986

You really do need to pay full attention to what the previous respondents have written and you personally also need to get off the merry go around named Denial.

Like most posts of this type its mainly about the alcoholic; what about you and your child in all this?. Where do you both fit in to his life with alcohol?. You do not, you both come way down the list even if you are on it because alcohol is at the top of it. You are both not top of his priority list; the alcohol comes first and you spoil his drinking time. It controls him utterly and alcohol is a cruel mistress.

Did you yourself see heavily drinking parents, how is it that you and this man got together in the first place?. Look at his family OP; how many of them drink heavily?. I ask only as alcoholism can also be learnt.

Talking to an alcoholic about their drinking is about as effective as peeing in the ocean. You will not make any difference here. Unless he himself decides that yes he does have a long standing drink problem there is nothing that you can do and he does not want your help or support. As his wife you are too close to the situation to be of any real use to him anyway. The will to stop drinking has to come from him and he alone and he needs to do that without you.

There are no guarantees here when it comes to alcoholism.
He could go onto lose everything and everyone around him and he could still choose to drink afterwards.

Women in poor relationships write the "good dad" comment or versions thereof when they can think of nothing else positive to write about their man. I would have anyway expected him to look after his child whilst you were in hospital; he does not deserve a medal for doing this. So no, he is neither a great dad to his DD or a great H to you here.

What are you getting out of this relationship now?. You're getting something out of this so what is it?. Ask yourself why you are still there. Alcoholism and codependency go hand in hand and I would think you are codependent.

You are playing roles in this overall dysfunction too; those of provoker (because you never forget), enabler and codependent partner. Your own recovery from his alcoholism will only start when you have fully got away from your drunk husband. It will not happen until then.

Your H's primary relationship is with drink (its not with you or his DD) and his thoughts centre on where the next drink is coming from.

What do you want to teach your DD about relationships and what is she learning here?. She is seeing a drunk dad and a mother who is too wrapped up in her own problems re her drunk husband. Your mental energies are all going on him and she is being left out.

Your DD must not grow up thinking this is her norm too and that yes this is how things are in relationships. She could well end up with a drink problem or choose a series of drunkards for a partner too, some legacy that would be to leave her. Children of alcoholic parents can and do end up with a shedload of problems, not least of all emotional ones that continue into their adulthood and relationships. You want to teach her how to be codependent as well?.

You are not able to fully protect your child from your H's alcoholism.

Alcoholism is not known as the "family disease" for nothing and you are as caught up in this as he is. The 3cs are indeed prescient again here - you did not cause it, you cannot control it and you cannot cure it. These are all hard to accept but accept those truths you must.

You have a choice re this man, your child does not. Make a better choice for you and she going forward i.e attend Al-anon meetings asap and to make a plan going forward with regards to leaving him. I never write that at all lightly but you will ultimately need to leave your H because he will simply continue to drag both you and your child down with him. He is showing no sign whatsoever of wanting to stop drinking, he is in denial and you are now basically propping him up.

How many people in your social circle know about his drink problem; very few I suspect if any. Alcoholism as well thrives on secrecy, time to bust this wide open now by seeking support for your own self from Al-anon. Go to their meetings and at the very least read their literature.

Hard as it is to read too I would urge you to read this article because your roles also feature in it:-
www.soberrecovery.com/forums/friends-family-alcoholics/68440-alcoholism-tragic-three-act-play-there-least-4-characters-1-a.html

Addiction is not a weakness. The fact that addiction crosses all socio-economic boundaries confirms that addiction is a disease. People who don't know about addiction will tell you that you just need to be stronger to control your use. But if that was true then only unsuccessful people or unmotivated people would have an addiction, and yet 10% of high-functioning executives have an addiction.

If you think of addiction as a weakness, you'll paint yourself into a corner that you can't get out of. You'll focus on being stronger and trying to control your use, instead of treating addiction like a disease and focusing on stopping your use.

I’ve been pondering the decision to post about my experience with my STBXH that I still have trouble calling an alcoholic but is someone who is dependant on alcohol. He wouldn’t agree tho!
We have been married for just short of 9 years but together for 18, his drinking over the last few years has become increasingly worse. It’s only recently that I’ve accepted that actually it’s been a major accelerant for the decline of our marriage. For context he works a continental shift (4x 12 hour days, 4 off, 4 x 12 hour nights, 4 off - repeat!) the only time he does not drink is when he’s on a night shift. I suppose this hid the fact there was a problem, because he could do this to function.
Upon reflection and it’s important to say that I’ve realised since filing for divorce ( Unreasonable behaviour, re drinking and gambling) that I totally allowed him to drink and covered it by controlling our lives, being totally and utterly responsible for our children, never relying on him to ferry the kids around, and if going out putting the younger children to bed so he wasn’t responsible for them as such.
I went out for my birthday this year and when I returned home at 9pm he was knocked out on the sofa, didn’t hear me come in, didn’t hear me moving around - and bam it hit me like a ton of bricks if the children got up or went out he wouldn’t hear them. I am also guilty of allowing it to be normalised for my older children, my eldest would never ask his dad to take him to football because he understands that impacts on dads drinking time. And I would also be reassured that he would contact me if anything went wrong when I was out, so actually leaving my son in charge not the parent!
I also started to assess his drinking habits and amount - he starts drinking around 1pm/2pm in the afternoon, he doesn't really eat until late so this is on an empty stomach, and he would have at least 4 cans but regularly would be more anything up to 12 cans a night....I say a night as almost every time he would be asleep on the sofa by 7pm! During his holiday periods at work he would drink everyday with no break. He would also drink in the kitchen away from the family, and sometimes out of sight of anyone hidden round the corner. His first can would be consumed within a matter of minutes. Since I’ve filed for divorce he has also started hiding the empty cans in different bins to limit the amount I think he’s drinking. I know see the impact on us as a family his drinking has, he’s unpredictable, not consistent, can be overly happy or totally flips at the slightest thing. Can slur be clumsy and smells and looks a sight. He doesn’t believe it’s a problem and I’ve also identified he has an addictive nature, gambling and sexually. I made a decision that I would not allow this to affect me or my children any longer and so files for a divorce quite abruptly, but on reflection it is the only thing I can do because ultimately I can only control my behaviour not his. He blames his drinking on me and our stressful children.
Sorry for such a long post but I guess what I’m saying is take a step back and as someone further up said identify what you are getting from your marriage, for me it was all very practical reasons which is not the basis of a happy relationship.

Why wouldn't you want to call him an alcoholic, change?

@springydaff - because I’m not sure people would see him as an alcoholic, he’s definitely a functioning dependent?

Sorry for my 'addiction is weakness' comment; I didn't know how else to describe that feeling of irritation when you ask them to do one thing like 'please don't have a beer before parents evening' and they can't do it. I understand it's hard for them but hearing that but also hearing 'I don't need help, there's nothing wrong with me' in the next sentence is

You said it yourself very eloquently just miss him I would love to lay on the sofa and watch a film without him getting drunk.

Tell him that. Go from there and don’t feel guilty. Intentionally or not, he’s using his ‘sensitivity’ to manipulate what can be spoken about.

As a side note, sensitive can often translate to defensive, proud or unable to deal with others emotionally as they have poor emotional literacy.

He is a fantastic dad and a fantastic husband I only wanted advice about the drinking

Scenarios like this are the equivalent of saying "this is a fantastic car, except for the dodgy engine". Hard to see until long-term though. You sound like the sort of person who'll put up with this and let it affect your life - and your child's life, for years .. like an enabler in the making (if not already one). He needs to go to AA, you need to go to Al Anon. Try to make sure your child doesn't have to end up going to Al Teen.

Ok I have spoken to him and we are working through it I shouldn't have been worried he was actually very open and honest.
I came on here for advice to ask how to approach it but maybe I didn't phrase it well.
I love my husband and he loves me and our daughter.
I would like to thank those who have given me advise without judging as I have only given you a small fragment of our life together.

I have made the first step to resolving this and with the support of his family we will resolve this issue.
He is a great dad, I am far from perfect myself but we are happiest when we are all together.

Addicts often have extraordinarily strong wills.

When it comes to sourcing and consuming addictive substances, yes.

When it comes to denying themselves addictive substances; not so much.