Signs that a man will be a deadbeat dad

[Littlegemz]

What signs did you have that your ExP, or in some cases P, would become a deadbeat dad?

For me i think these two should have been alarm bells:

Laziness
Lack of interest in his own family when there aren’t any issues, I.e. no phone calls, not visiting (especially brother and niece)

Signs I wish I hadn’t ignored:

Lack of interest in his own family.

More interested in drink.

Selfish, intolerant, lack of conflict resolution skills, vicious temper.

Ignoring problems and hoping they’d go away.

Always has to be right/get his own way.

Sexist, racist, basically any prejudice you can think of.

Drink.

Drink.

Drink.

God I had some low standards.

Oh god yes I did have one boyfriend who NEVER apologised for anything to anyone. Totally spoiled mummy's boy - dodged a bullet there I reckon

Yeah, it's a total myth that Dads were barely involved in the 50s, 40s, 20s, etc.

I've seen photos from the time (Dads pushing prams etc etc) which look like the very best of our own era. I think masculinity, as a culture, is more entitled now than it was then. But perhaps they were just grateful for peace and appreciative of family life for that reason. More perspective, perhaps.

Oh, and they didn't have the sort of porn we have which dehumanises women beyond measure. That helps. 🤔

Yep I've seen loads of photos of dads and granpas pushing prams, bathing the kids, pushing on rope swings, pushing kids as they learn to ride a bike etc

One of my granpas bucked the trend of not doing night wakings but that was because my gran had awful pregnancies and births and was very poorly the first weeks after, he would do night wakings then do first job (milkman) then go onto a second job (factory making ship parts)

Entitled is exactly it!

Even the other granpa - not the most enlightened type - took babies in pram for a walk (admittedly often to the pub or a mates house) after dinner in the earlier weeks after they were born and gran would have a wee nap. He also had 2 jobs.

So very often read on here of husbands with little more than one part time job that pays sod all, whatever spare money there is goes on THEIR hobbies/interests, they do Fuck all at home and sleep in a separate room so they're not disturbed at night "cos they work" the next day 🙄🙄🙄

The night waking granpa when my mum and her eldest sibling were born the whole family lived in a "room end" so one room altogether and an outside shared toilet! There WAS no spare room!

My ex even though I was bf if baby woke and I woke he was up too, fetched me a drink, changed baby's nappy if necessary and winded her, then after we stopped co-sleeping I'd pop her in her cot - and he was in the army! So hardly in a sedate office job the next day and often on exercises or 24 hour duties etc.

I genuinely don't understand why women put up with the not overtly abusive but extremely lazy ones!

If ex had been like that I'd have booted him the first week I was home!

Honestly so many men these days don't know they're born!

My grandfather (born around 1899) played a huge role in his family life as well as working. My mother's stories about growing up were about her parents both playing with them/being with them/being concerned about them and were about her father thinking her mother was a saint for doing what she did. My dad was the same. The respect they felt for their mothers didn't come from nowhere - it came from the respect that was given to the mother's role in the family from the husband/father.

I was born in the 1960s. I had colic. My dad worked, my mum was home with me and a toddler. They took every second night at walking the floor with me. Dad never thought he had done something exceptional. Neither did my mum think he had. She just thought he was a good father and husband.

My FIL wanted to be an old-fashioned hands off man (he'd have been a better father imo if he had had to weigh in from the start) so he paid for full time helper for his wife. He certainly didn't expect his wife to do everything with no help at all.

I wouldn't want to live their lives but I often think there was a far greater appreciation of and respect for the contribution women make as minders of infants/toddlers childrearers and homemakers then compared to now. Back then, even the most neanderthal of men recognised that women's work in the home with children was worthwhile. Now it seems to have been completely devalued (in the UK anyway) judging by MN where paid work seems to be the only thing of value.

You lot have met my ex. Thankfully, I was never the broody type to start with and never changed my mind in our 10 years together.

The warning signs for me should have been when he complained about the neighbours children being noisy along with needing the house to be a constant show home!! They weren't they were just being kids - we had to move because of it. 13 years down the line and he rarely interacts with our children they are too noisy and messy. However he is a domestic God and does all the house work and is exceptionally financially savvy so I do kids he does house and money. Not ideal I would prefer more help with kids and an untidy house but it works for us most of the time.

I do not dismiss the experiences some people described of their partner changing or not revealing themselves until it is too late. But in my experience it has been all too apparent to me as an outsider what these men or women are from the beginning. Best advice is to listen to friends or family, especially the ones who don’t see marriage as the be all in life.

I read a post a few weeks ago and thought it should be applauded for the excellent insight of the OP into her own past decisions which stopped her repeating an obvious pattern. She simply said that the things she looked for in a boyfriend as a young women turned out to be not the things she needed in a husband and parent. In fact they were the polar opposite.

I don’t think people in general mask their true self or change. The situation changes. When you settle down it stops being about going out and indulging your love and becomes about mundane things like saving, respect, sharing and life management. Then children come along and a whole new set of responsibilities enter the frame. Some people fundamentally are not suited or capable of adapting to family life.

Unfortunately the social and biological pressure to marry and have kids compels people into it. Some people are clearly unsuited to it and some people just dive into it with anyone who fits the gender box and will go along with it.

As to misogyny and chauvinism, never really hidden. But it is not a gender issue. Don’t get with someone who shows prejudice towards another group and doesn’t enjoy and celebrate people.

@LemonTT interesting point...except my family and friends didn't once voice their reservations until after ex-h had left us. I wish they had. I might have been offended because I was desperately in love with him but it would have definitely played on my mind. What I see now, I simply didn't see then. He "love bombed" me, we were married after a year, he was so utterly charming and sincere. I have recently found some letters he wrote me when we were dating and I cringe at them. They should have been a massive red flag but they weren't. It seems you don't really know somebody until you divorce them. Certainly that is my awful experience.

I do not dismiss the experiences some people described of their partner changing or not revealing themselves until it is too late

Except that's exactly what you did with that post.

I was introduced to my ex by a friend, she was dating his best friend they're now married with kids too. Both of them completely shocked by his turnaround.

My family and other friends who weren't friends of his prior to our meeting also thought he was a good guy and have been stunned by the change.

None of them said anything while we were together because they had no concerns.

I think there are two kinds of deadbeats just as there are two kinds of adulterers.

There are men (and women I suppose) who really don't care about fidelity and who will take whatever chance they are given if they feel they will get away with it. And there are men who believe they care about fidelity but when an opportunity presents itself they are tempted and then they justify it.

So there are deadbeats who know what they are and it is fairly obvious to everyone else too - a guy paying for nothing, gaming in his room, drinking with his mates etc is not likely to think providing for his children is a top priority. Then I think there are men like graphista describes who seem to be good guys but divorce/separation liberates them to be utterly selfish. A large sub-set of these is men who only care about their children as long as they are with the mother - after that they simply disappear for them.

Guys who won't get married after being with a woman for several years.

Crap with money.

Disorganized, immature Peter Pan types.

Any man who might be okay if you could "change" certain things about him. Hint: You can't.

If you have friends and family members who have a successful relationship history and they hate your boyfriend, listen to them and run a mile.

@Whatisthisfuckery you’ve just described my husband