Signs that a man will be a deadbeat dad

[Littlegemz]

What signs did you have that your ExP, or in some cases P, would become a deadbeat dad?

For me i think these two should have been alarm bells:

Laziness
Lack of interest in his own family when there aren’t any issues, I.e. no phone calls, not visiting (especially brother and niece)

My DD's father was not lazy, worked hard, did all the chores (we did not live together) and was generous with his time, energy and money.

He also had an abusive side (verbal, emotional and physical), was a cheater (whilst I was pregnant) and, although he was a single parent (widower) neglected his young teen children.

Hindsight is 20/20 and I was a fool.

He was an incredibly selfish person with no empathy.

I’m not sure about lack of interest in his family. My DH is great but there’s very little contact with his parents and siblings. They were all raised to be “independent”, all went to boarding school,etc, and were just expected to manage life on their own. I don’t like it at all but it doesn’t make DH a deadbeat.

daisypond

You'll only truly know that if you divorce.

Not wanting children in the first place.

pics why would I only know if DH would be a deadbeat dad if we got divorced? He’s a super hands-on dad now and loves being a dad. He’s probably a better parent than me. That would never change.

The most obvious red flag is not being a good father to current DC. extra flashing lights for "It's all the fault of my psycho ex".
General red flags are:
selfishness
lack of responsability
being abusive
abuse of drugs or alcohol
bad with money
cheating
racism/ homophobia/ misoginy.
To be honest any of these should be a "run for the hills" when starting a relationship too.

Yes I would agree - not having a good relationship with previous DC. My stepdad was NC with his kids when we met (because of his "psycho ex" he assured my mother- classic line). Then they had my brother and sure enough they are NC now after stepdad left, telling his 10yo son that he was "no longer a priority" - the OW was! Lovely chap. I'm sure he fed the "psycho ex" line to the OW too about my mum.

Lack of interest or planning when partner is pregnant. Saying that they will stop drinking/drugs or start paying for stuff "when the baby comes".
Guess what the baby comes and they still act like dickheads.

ANYONE whose personal space - car, room, flat/house, desk - is a shit tip. 'Oh, it's not important, dust if you must, I just don't see dirt', selfishness, all-consuming hobby, 50/50/equality/earn your crust types but not when it comes to lifework, neggers (she just let herself go, I like a woman who looks after herself), sex pests.

Personally, I would never date a man who had kids before I did myself. That was just an instant dealbreaker no matter how fanciable I found them. Just read the threads on here and 99% of the time you can see why teh mother of his kids/kids dumped him.

Saying that they will stop drinking/drugs or start paying for stuff "when the baby comes".

Yep. Don't even date 'em! TONS of 'We agreed he'd stop smoking/drinking/using weed/gaming till 4am when I got pregnant'. Don't get pregnant to a loser like this! Get an abortion! But do not expect him to change because he won't.

If his Mum, or if he has siblings, and they are not welcoming the first time they meet you. Or if they are aloof to you or your DP.

No contact with siblings or parents.

Been fired more than twice due to personality clashes, avoid.

Beyond late twenties, no assets or savings.

Another vote for me for rude behaviour towards retail and/ or service industry.

He’s a super hands-on dad now and loves being a dad

So was mine, relatively speaking.
Once I was no longer there to direct, he's proved to be beyond hopeless.

Plus, you should see the viciousness of family court. Vicious and raging - him not me.

You only truly know a man once you divorce him

Oh, yes, the ones who have to be directed. 'I just don't notice otherwise'. It's funny, they don't do that at work or with mates because they'd be pulled up on it.

If you read 'He's a great dad' or 'He's a brilliant dad' on here in an OP you can almost 100% guarantee he's the opposite.

pics but he doesn’t need to be directed. That’s what I mean about being raised to be independent. He is organised, does the shopping and cooking and cleaning, organises the holidays, etc. He doesn’t need me to tell him what to do. I don’t plan shopping lists for him or have to tell him when the inset day is in school, etc. What he doesn’t do is have a great deal of contact with his parents or siblings. - that’s what I mean about how lack of contact with his family might not indicate anything about deadbeat-ness. Our children are grown up now.

Well perhaps rather than being disinterested in family, himself, he survived a dysfunctional disinterested (from parents end) family to become a functional adult.

The previous point stands - a man who just can't be fucked with his family isn't likely to magic into Mrs Doubtfire (though that did seem a bit stalkery in retrospect...).

I wouldn't take low contact or no contact as necessarily a red flag.
I'm LC with my family due to dysfunctional upbringing/abuse/neglect.
It doesn't make me an uncaring parent. It makes it a bit harder as I don't have a healthy example to emulate so I have to create a family dynamic from scratch IYSWIM.

I defiantly second the mummy’s boy.. my ex was still living at home told his mum everything aboit our Rship and she still did everything for him at 32 years old .. I had a termination as from the moment I told him I was pregnant he showed signs of being a dead beat.

Bad with money in loads of debt dodging ballifs left right and centre

Only ever had time for work and was constantly busy spent no quality time with me and probably would have been the same with the child.

also would sort his own admin out and not even help me with MOTs etc and ... he worked in a garage !!!

Lack of motivation for absolutely anything in his life other than making money.

Let me down constantly and I was always waiting around for him everything was on his time and he was constantly hours late could imagine him doing the same to the child.

I met mine doing charity children’s summer camps. We did them for years before and after we had our own. Living for four weeks with sixty children and each having responsibility for half a dozen meant I knew he was brilliant with children. They naturally flocked to him and he always put their needs before his own. He was energetic, innovative and charismatic, fun but able to manage challenging behaviours kindly.

He remains a brilliant father but he was never much use with babies.They terrified him.

So.......what made you want to marry these deadbeats?

All of the above, but also pointless unnecessary random lying.

I started being dubious about my ex when he'd told me he would have to drive to X, 2 hours away, to work on a particular day.

I came home unexpectedly early to find him watching tv & he proceeded to cycle through a series of lies: the meeting finished early/well I set off but it was cancelled/I did it via Skype instead/I couldn't go, I felt ill.

At this point I had no reason to worry about how he organised his meeting. He worked from home lots, & if he'd just said 'oh the meeting was cancelled, I've had a lovely duvet day instead of having to drive to Wales!' my reaction would have been 'nice! Lucky you!'

But his lies were hugely obvious - he was initially insistent he'd been in Wales all day, & returned 5 minutes ago, but he'd left (my) laptop open in the warm patch in the bed, the car hadn't moved etc, & his story changed every two minutes.

Turned out he'd been sleeping off a speed binge & chatting to OW all day.

The biggest sign of a potential dead beat is that he hasn't actually taken the step of marrying you. If he makes the effort to opt-in to marriage, it's a sign that he's willing to take on some responsibility for his wife, his kids. You're not married and you decide to have kids - BIG risk that he's going to be a deadbeat. He's just going along with creating a pregnancy (easy), not actively deciding to be a father (more commitment required).

I was blindsided by what a deadbeat father my ex-h turned out to be when he left for OW. OW has encouraged and supported him all the way with this. He spent months "grooming" her little boy into acceptance by taking him out and doing stuff with him, the poor kid's father had been killed suddenly. He totally neglected our toddler in the pursuit of his new life, continues to be horribly neglectful, they have arranged their joint finances to ensure I get poverty level maintenance for our son. He is a shit human being, a shit father and a total waste of oxygen. Yet, I had our little lad late in life because he begged to be a father many years into our marriage. There were no signs he'd turn out like this. All I see is a "man" who is happily inflicting the very pattern of neglectful parenting that he had the misfortune to experience, on his own son.

@Kiwiinkits that’s just nonsense. Marriage has nothing to do with a persons ability to patent. My kids were 5 and 7 before I married their mother having been with her for 8 years.