Signs that a man will be a deadbeat dad

[Littlegemz]

What signs did you have that your ExP, or in some cases P, would become a deadbeat dad?

For me i think these two should have been alarm bells:

Laziness
Lack of interest in his own family when there aren’t any issues, I.e. no phone calls, not visiting (especially brother and niece)

If only we all came with a relationship CV, filled out by former partners who by law and lie detector tests had to be truthful.

Ok, a tad extreme, but it sure could save a load of heartache

A man who will sort his own "life admin" out like booking his car in for MOT, but leaves all the joint stuff for you to do.

A man who expects you to be the one to maintain all cards/presents and communication with his family.

A man who sits in front of the TV every night and never suggests doing anything different - you will end up being family entertainment coordinator.

A man who moans and sulks/becomes nasty when he is tired or stressed - it only gets worse with kids.

Anyone who won't stand up for themselves to their family - they won't stand up for you either.

What they take photos of. That will show you their priorities.

A mummy's boy who expects you to deal with his mother for him (and take any blame) but who doesn't actually really ever want anything to do with same mother - oh my, this 100%

So many I can agree on, but like with some other posters mine was on his best behaviour, told me he came from a big family and was very family oriented - which was a big deal for me as I’m a family girl and come from a massive female dominated family. Now I realise he isn’t at all what he made himself out to be, the man child would go months without calling his family members if he could be also proclaims they’re super close.

Oh also a lack of friends, he has childhood friends who live in the same area as his but yet never sees them at all. Instead he’ll sit watching movies or playing the Xbox.

And yes how they keep their personal space, if it’s a pig pit then they’re pretty much waiting for someone to clean up for them.. with the added mess that children naturally come with it would never be smooth sailing.

My DH used to say that he was "delegating" seeing his parents to me. I told an older friend who told me that it was a terrible sign and he would treat me as he treats his mother.
I didn't listen because it was lurve.
I was a fool.

No offence but you only have to read some of the threads to realise it doesn’t matter how clear the warning signs are people ignore them. Then they get angry when their partner doesn’t change when a kid turns up. If find it impossible to believe you could share a bed with someone for years and not know they’re a knob.

Reacting badly when not able to do what he wants. most definitely a sign.
A general selfishness attitude about everything they are involved in.
Putting themselves first.

Sadly I didn't recognise any of these traits until it was too late, but they were all there.

Someone who's ex calls all the shots.

Never mind read this thread out at the altar...teach this stuff in high school.

Manclife1

Thanks for that.

When you move in together and you are the one who sorts everything out.
From setting up direct debits from your account to organising a window cleaner and even having to organise and remind him of dentists appointments and his family's birthdays.
Refusal to answer the front door as he doesn't know who's there
Taking a back-seat in all social interactions.
It gets really tiresome and mentally draining after a while and when DC come along the amount of pressure is ten-fold. He will need to be reminded of helping steralise bottles, feeding times etc etc.
It will feel easier at times to be on your own.
Nursery/School events will all be left to you. He won't even know the date or what event is happening and likely refuse to attend as 'he doesn't know anyone'.

Agree with the more cynical posters tbh. Even if men turned up with signed statements from their ex, women would still have kids with them.

My two best friends married men who they believed would magically be different once married. Spoiler alert: they're still lazy and unengaged.

Manclife1
That's also very true. There's a lot of women who repeatedly date men with children all over town and don't provide for them but seem to think that becayse he's wonderful with their DC for 3 months he's a catch and it's worth having kids with him

A cycling hobby...

And there are a lot of women who are duped by charming lying bastards.

Oh my - My DH ticked some of these boxes before we had our twins. He was rather lazy around the home, preferred reading/watching TV when he got home from work to doing anything that required much effort, didn’t have the best relationship with his mum because they just grate on each other, was a fairly regular drinker etc.

But when I found out I was pregnant we had a very real conversation about what we needed to change about ourselves if we were ever going to raise our baby (we didn’t know it was twins until my first scan!) in the way we both wanted to, as I had my own flaws such as playing video games a lot, not being very active, a hobby that I would get so absorbed in I could spend hours doing it without realising and what have you.

We worked on it, we still do, but we have both improved massively as people because it was time to grow up.

I’m not saying all people are willing to do the same, but trust me when I say if he has any habits that irk you now, they’ll be the things that really piss you off if you have children. But if he is generally a decent and loving man, have a conversation when you get to the point of discussing kids, that is open and fair. Depending on his reaction you might find he can change too.

I agree that sometimes I doesn’t matter how clear the warning signs are.. but I also think that these things should be taught in school and children should be taught about healthy relationships.

For me personally, mine was great in the beginning, beyond great.. I thought I hit the jackpot. Then after a couple of years his behavioir towards me changed slowly and I couldnt pin point exactly when this happened. It ate away at my confidence and just at the point I felt ready to leave i found out I was pregnant.

Laziness, selfishness, lack of motivation. In some instances, lack of ambition.

You can still LTB.

A food one I learned from here is to pay attention to what someone does, not what they say. My friend’s ex talks loads about how much he loves his DC, but does fuck all for them.

If they talk to waiting staff or their mother rudely.... run a fucking mile.

All of the above and misogynistic/chauvinist/sexist or from family where his mummy does everything for everyone. He will expect that of you and all child rearing will be your responsibility

And there are a lot of women who are duped by charming lying bastards

This. With knobs on. There were no clear signs with my ex for the 12 years we were together. He held it together incredibly well. All the signs are there post divorce - particular,y the bad with money one (I always managed our money). He probably left me to do parenting but he worked, I didn’t. He helped with housework, was hard working and successful. They don’t all carry the card on the same way!

A man who will sort his own "life admin" out like booking his car in for MOT, but leaves all the joint stuff for you to do. This.

Any behaviors that can be categorised as surprisingly hurtful selfishness... especially in the early stages of the relationship. They are mask slips.

Someone outside the relationship (with no axe to grind) telling you not to marry him.

Mine hated his mother with a startling level of ferocity. She's dead now, and he hates me to the same extent.