I've been ghosted by my best friend of many years

[NorthernTart]

The penny's just dropped today & I'm hurt. I don't want to reveal too much as I know she's on here but I'm gutted. We bonded in the first place as we were in similar situations & over the last year my situation has changed enormously & I feel like this has opened up a gap between us. There's nothing I can do about it. I've reached out to her several times but no reply. It hurts.

I'm so sorry, Northern Tart.

Aww it does hurt but with time u will get over it, just wait until she contacts u now x

This happened to me when my first child was born.
Dropped like a stone by a friend who I used to speak to every day.

All I got - many years later - was a Christmas card :(

Did you reply Househuntering?

I think this has happened to all of us at some time - be kind to yourself

If there is something to apologize for, apologize without any expectation, and move on - then you've done all you can do

If there is nothing to apologize for, it's probably more about her than you and there's absolutely nothing you can do and you'll probably never understand

When this happened to me I was desperately hurt - still baffles me - but I have accepted it as something I have no control over (things we can not change) and have used the experience in talking to my teenage children about how to be decent human beings to all friends / peers (so I'd like to think some good came of it)

This happened to me by my two best friends when my first was born and I was I longer fun as I couldn't drop everything at a moments notice, made me feel much better when one of them had a baby a few years later and the other did the same to her

• I'm aware this makes me petty and I don't care

@Sunshine Naah - didn't reply - not after all those years

Oh OP, this happened to me! My BFF of 24 years did the same thing. We went through so much together. Knew each other inside out, told each other everything. Had kids of the same age, went through Uni as mature students, ended our calls with luv ya! Then she just turned cold on me. Stopped initiating conversation/phone calls etc. When I called she was distant and non reciprocal. I didn’t ask her what the issue was as I was going through a difficult time leaving my abusive DH so didn’t have the strength to hear any criticisms. She ended it by never answering her phone or answering my emails. she blocked me on all social media which back then was only FB and Twitter! I thought maybe I had Cried on her shoulder one too many times but kept thinking I had done exactly that for her when she was in the same situation so like to hope it wasn’t that! To this day I have no idea why or what I did to upset or piss her off. I’ve gone through everything in my head. We never fell out, or argued. It’s horrible not to have any closure. We didn’t have friends in common so I have no idea if she is even still alive! I’m sorry you are going through it OP. A lot of people don’t understand the depth of some female friendships and what the loss of them feels like. I still think about the depth of our friendship. I’ve never found another one so deep and supportive. I still miss her deeply! Sending you a virtual hug

Has she blocked you etc or just not replied a few texts? Are you sure she's ok?

There are very few reasonable excuses for not replying to your friend but it's possible?

This is so very hurtful.

I remember when the penny dropped for me and I realised someone I thought was a good friend was avoiding me. I was horrified it had taken me so long to realise. I was embarrassed.

There is nothing you can do.

Chasing her for an explanation will make her double down. And she probably wouldn't be honest anyway.

Unfortunately, you just have to leave it now. At least by doing that, you retain some dignity.

This happened to me years ago, still stings a bit. I have no idea what went wrong and I wasn't going to ask.
I can only think that some people are cowardly and shallow and think this is an acceptable way to end a friendship.
Unless someone who has done this could come on here to explain why they took this way out?

My best friend did the same to me when I met my husband.
We went from speaking/texting daily and meeting every weekend to nothing.

I text her when my baby was born 4 months ago, got a curt congratulations and nothing since.

I think maybe if your situations have changed maybe other person is jealous, or feels the difficulty was what you had in common ? Hard to know really

Sally I'll bite.

Crap. I wrote out a bunch of details and it became way too identifying as I know she's on MN as we met on here and discovered we lived really close to each other so became firm friends.

Her mum had thanked me for everything I'd done and I thought we were really close and I was doing some stuff for her to help her with some legal entanglements.

She went quiet for a few weeks... I figured she was just busy with life/dealing with the legal stuff.

Then I got a bright and breezy "I was so busy organising my HUGE 40th at "Claridges" I haven't had time to think".

I literally felt winded.

3 ex friends
1 friends for nearly 30 years, have been through a lot together. Too busy to phone/mail,used to make arrangements to make contack and never kept up with them. I stopped around New Year after yet another brief conversation “need to go” and haven’t heard a thing since. Her birthday is approaching and for the first time in donkey’s years I’m not going to send anything.

2nd friend turned on me and became enemy. Haven’t got a clue why as I asked her if there were any issues between us, she denied then verbal abuse followed. Managed to ostracise me from social circle at work. Not even civil enough to answer to “hello”.

3rd friend moved in beside me, I introduced her to the people then once she established her social position dropped me like hot potato. Apparently I offended her greatly ( her reasoning was so stupid it caused my mouth to drop). Stupid me still wanted to smooth the waters and apologised. My apologies were not taken and she started blanking me out.

I accepted I’ll never get closure. Hurts like hell but I refused to engage in some stupid mind games and walked away. Last 2 I don’t even look away anymore, happy to hold the stare. It wasn’t me who turned away first.

Yeh, it’s happens. Friend I’d known for 20 year and lived in the same road. Our children went to the same schools. I’d done school run for years, DH was reference ( in a very high position in a similar organisation) for her job. I gave her lifts to work.
She then had some emotional issues where I was the only friend who supported her.
Then dropped like a stone! Needless to say all the friends who did nothing are still in her social circle.
I’ve moved on to more genuine people.

househuntering maybe she was trying to make the first move having missed you for those years. It might have taken that long to pluck up the courage to send the card.

In my experience it happens for one of these reasons:

Your life changes in a way the friend can't handle. They desperately want a child and you get pregnant is a common one. They don't want to be petty or feel as they do but they just can't bear it.

Or you don't realise you've been draining them/making too many demands on them. If you've been through a tough time and using them as a sounding board or support system for a long time, they may suddenly feel they can't handle it.

Or they discover a side to you they just can't tolerate. I must admit I have ghosted a few friends because of this. How do you tell someone you can no longer stand them because they've revealed themselves to be something you just can't tolerate (racist or classist or a genuine narcissist? )

Or, they just weren't that into you. They didn't realise you were fostering a friendship. They just bumbled along meeting up because you suggested it, or being friendly at running club etc but really without any intention of getting close. Once they realise you're investing more in the friendship than they intended.

Or you served your purpose. Unwittingly, you were being used as an emotional prop or free childcare service by a selfish chancer and as soon as you meekly started making demands on the friendship in return, you got ditched.

All of them hurt, but long term I think there's no point in chasing a friendship that has been broken off. I've been on the receiving end of it and it hurts but I've also done it a few times - once for my own sanity and twice because I felt utterly drained by the people I'd befriended, both of whom had no job or children, were independently wealthy and had zero understanding of the demands of running a job, a home, a family.

Your life changes in a way the friend can't handle. They desperately want a child and you get pregnant is a common one. They don't want to be petty or feel as they do but they just can't bear it.

I think that’s probably the reason in my case.

I don’t want to say anything though and upset her. So I leave it.

I’ve lost my best friend of nearly 20 years.

Sometimes you've just been too close and know too much about them and their problems. You remind them of bad times that they'd rather forget. Maybe they think you'll say something to people they know, and embarrass them.

I had a friend and she dropped off the scene when she and her H spilt up . I guess it was just too tough to remember the old life .

On the other hand I have just dropped a long term friend from my life as she was constantly rude ( she won't see it as that ) , critical and made me feel edgy when I spoke to her . I tried to explain but she got on her high horse so I just left it .

Sometimes people are just friends for a spell in your life .

I had a friend who ditched me in part, I suspect, because she is very overweight and I lost weight (at least, she told me she couldn’t bear to look at me). It was only after she ditched me that I realised how horribly controlling she is, and what a relief it was not to have to spend time with her any more. Unfortunately, she not only ditched me but then went about sabotaging my life in various ways, some of which helped contribute to my subsequent mental breakdown. But, I still stand by the fact that it was all worth it, to see her for what she truly is and to escape that toxic friendship.

Sorry to hear it OP. It bloody hurts. I was ghosted by a friend who then got back in touch some years later. I replied to messages but honestly it reminded me of how hurtful it was all over again. It wasn't anything that I had said or done, I know that because of what she told me when she made contact again.

We are no longer in touch.

@Sunshinecake
Really don’t think that was the case, sadly.
It was at an absolutely terrible time In my life (which I had not burdened her with) she also told my mother something I had asked her not to (for which she must have found my mother’s number somehow)
The card arrived years later with no message, signed ‘exfriend and Bob’ - no idea who Bob was.
All very strange.
But I had been so hurt for so long that I could not be bothered.
Interestingly, she had told me years earlier that she liked to ‘move on from people’
Sorry for post about me OP - but it is one of the things that only time can make better.