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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I've been ghosted by my best friend of many years

76 replies

NorthernTart · 01/06/2019 17:27

The penny's just dropped today & I'm hurt. I don't want to reveal too much as I know she's on here but I'm gutted. We bonded in the first place as we were in similar situations & over the last year my situation has changed enormously & I feel like this has opened up a gap between us. There's nothing I can do about it. I've reached out to her several times but no reply. It hurts.

OP posts:
BackAwayFatty · 02/06/2019 10:24

It's rubbish isn't it?

Going through the exact thing where my friend's life has changed drastically over the last year and I have tried to keep in touch.

While her life has moved in a difference direction I've been diagnosed with a condition which is agonising & she has no idea.

She was my best friend from childhood, for over 20 years & now barely hear from her.

I've tried to accept that things change.

MaidenMotherCrone · 02/06/2019 10:49

How did you reach out? Text, WhatsApp FB messenger?

Whosorrynow · 02/06/2019 11:15

I've been there a close friend ghosted me she was the only person who ever really got me and I still miss her
Recently an old friend from childhood contacted me and then she ghosted me
that was a bit weird

ProfessorofPerspective · 02/06/2019 11:34

Sometimes you've just been too close and know too much about them and their problems. You remind them of bad times that they'd rather forget. Maybe they think you'll say something to people they know, and embarrass them

Someone ghosted me and I suspect this was the reason. She admitted something she was v ashamed of. I was really supportive and understanding, and really, I did understand. The situation passed and she just faded away. Quite sad but up to her in the end.

Moralitym1n1 · 02/06/2019 11:54

Sometimes you've just been too close and know too much about them and their problems. You remind them of bad times that they'd rather forget. Maybe they think you'll say something to people they know, and embarrass them

Definitely.

Also I suspect one of the reasons a friend disappeared on he was that I knew she'd had a one night stand with a guy after having a fight and temporary break with her partner (I don't think he knew either way that they were on a break), she told me she told him about it but in retrospect I don't think she did. She was quite an overthinker and I think she was too worried I might drop her in it at some point. Sometimes you know too much.

She contacted me again once when she thought they were going to break up.

(However she is also the sort of girl who disappears when in a steady relationship, esp if you're not conveniently close at hand).

Whosorrynow · 02/06/2019 12:03

Any port in a storm 🙄

SunshineCake · 02/06/2019 12:09

I thought I'd made a friend on here and it has made me sad they no longer want to have contact, but I'm also embarrassed as I know I also needed and appreciated their wise words whereas I doubt they needed me at all. Having said that I felt I was supportive so it hurts.

Sissy79 · 02/06/2019 12:12

I ghosted a friend. I feel awful about it but I had to. She was leaning on me so heavily because of her relationship issues, and sometimes would say something so spiteful and bitter to me about how she was better than me so how had I met someone etc. She was devastated when I told her I was pregnant even though she had never wanted children, she just didn’t want to share my attention I think. It was better for us both really. I do hope she’s happy.

Whosorrynow · 02/06/2019 12:20

I think if someone leans on you so heavily that you know you're going to fall over then some form of ghosting may be the 'better' option.... as harsh as it is

cranstonmanor · 02/06/2019 12:23

I'm trying to slowly drop and old friend because she is so draining. She also talks so much about what her grandchildren are doing and saying, which is nice for her but really hurtful for me after 6 years of ivf and a stillborn daughter. Het daughter didn't even want children which makes it even more painful for me.

At the same time I feel guilty because I'm her only friend. Everyone else dropped her ages ago because she was too draininf.

Sissy79 · 02/06/2019 12:57

It’s true ^Whosorrynow*. I had the sense she had codependency issues and needed me as a replacement partner in terms of emotional support. Then she would suddenly say something so cutting and hurtful that I just thought, nope. No more. When I got pregnant and acted almost betrayed, I knew I couldn’t have it out with her, I had to just disappear quietly.

Sissy79 · 02/06/2019 12:58

Correction! She acted almost betrayed.

OP, equally it might be nothing you’ve done. It could be your friend working through her own issues. Flowers

Whosorrynow · 02/06/2019 13:03

yes it's as if someone has nominated you to be their significant other or 'go to person' but they've done it without your consent
and it's not a reciprocal relationship, they are treating you as if you are someone who has a duty towards them...like a parent towards a child

hardyloveit · 02/06/2019 13:28

Been there too op and it hurts! Was my bridesmaid who did it to me! Best friends for years, told each other everything etc! She got engaged and back in with a friend who she had fallen out with. She stopped replying etc. Didn't get an invite to the wedding! I've now lost contact with the whole group of friends as I was just too hurt by what she had done!
It does get easier but it's like grieving! My DF has just passsd away too so was a shit time! You will get over it eventually but it sucks!

ilikemethewayiam · 02/06/2019 17:28

@hardyloveit. Sorry to hear about your father passing. My condolences to you . Flowers

justswanning · 02/06/2019 17:33

Happened to me when I went back to work and my best friend ditched me and became best mates with someone else. It really hurt but I've moved on and it's really her loss. The worse thing was that our two eldest kids are also best friends and she stopped inviting my DC for play dates.

carmat · 02/06/2019 17:36

I've had it happen to me and I still wonder why years later

Recavanometer · 02/06/2019 17:43

I think sometimes people see their friends as something of a reflection of self. So when their life changes hugely, the reflection no longer fits and suddenly what was easy is jarring. But not so bad as to face it head on, just enough to quietly swim away.

I admitted I had backed away completely from a very old friend, and explained to her as far as I could, why. I don’t think she got it really, and has persisted in staying in touch which I don’t understand. I think she’s one of those people who have to be friends with everyone even if that’s just Christmas card terms. To me it’s hollow somehow.

tisonlymeagain · 02/06/2019 17:48

This happened to me with two friends after my divorce, and when I met my DP. I don't understand it but I'm not going to waste time over analysing and pursuing a friendship with people who clearly don't actually care about me. It's a terrible shame and hard to adjust with when you realise that about people you thought were your closest friends. Hugs to you.

RhubarbTea · 02/06/2019 18:00

I remember when the penny dropped for me and I realised someone I thought was a good friend was avoiding me. I was horrified it had taken me so long to realise. I was embarrassed.

This is how I felt when I realised, my best (male) friend of 8 years ghosted me in Jan and I'm still unbelievably hurt by it. I literally cannot believe he's done this. It is so sad, but I'm starting to accept I will probably never hear from him again.
I wish he'd had the decency to have a conversation with me as I don't understand and probably never will. It's one of the most hurtful things that has ever happened to me.

BlueCornishPixie · 02/06/2019 18:15

From the other side, I stopped seeing a friend last year after I realised she was a total an utter manipulative twat.

There was endless dramatics, everything was always about her. She use to list compliments people had given her over the years even ones from childhood. She'd exclude people from events etc. Then finally she did something shitty to another friend and I decided enough was enough. There's loads of things I could say but she basically was very narcissistic

I suspect from her side it was "my 2 best friends ghosted me for no reason" but the reality was very very diferent and it was an endless stream of shitty behaviour, I should have done it from day dot.

BlueCornishPixie · 02/06/2019 18:17

I'm not saying that you have done something wrong OP, but in many cases there will a reason a friend ghosts someone.

If multiple friends had ghosted me I might want to look at what I was doing.

KeepCoolCalmAndCollected · 02/06/2019 22:48

OP, I think ghosting usually says a lot more about the actual ghoster.

They are cowards.
It gives them power.
They enjoy inflicting pain
They can have deep-seated issues to want to hurt someone so deeply.
Often the ghostee has no idea why they have been ghosted - so look inwardly in a state of unknowing and confusion. This is of course the ghoster's bitter motive.

All in all if someone can do this to along-term friend, they are truly not worthy of your friendship. It shows their true colours, and lines that are crossed cannot be uncrossed.

Sissy79 · 02/06/2019 23:23

^ mmm so if someone is hurting you, draining you, using you, obviously the best thing to do is to continue to see them or you are definitely a coward and enjoy inflicting pain. Or better, have a talk with them about it - someone you know is hurtful and abusive when confronted. All other options mean you have deep seated issues. Sounds good. Hmm

Moralitym1n1 · 02/06/2019 23:54

This is how I felt when I realised, my best (male) friend of 8 years ghosted me in Jan and I'm still unbelievably hurt by it. I literally cannot believe he's done this. It is so sad, but I'm starting to accept I will probably never hear from him again.
I wish he'd had the decency to have a conversation with me as I don't understand and probably never will. It's one of the most hurtful things that has ever happened to me.

Maybe it's bollocks but I've just got carried away with imagining he's been in unrequited love with you for 8 years, had realised you'll never return it and has cut off contact for his own good in order to move on Smile.