I've been ghosted by my best friend of many years

[NorthernTart]

The penny's just dropped today & I'm hurt. I don't want to reveal too much as I know she's on here but I'm gutted. We bonded in the first place as we were in similar situations & over the last year my situation has changed enormously & I feel like this has opened up a gap between us. There's nothing I can do about it. I've reached out to her several times but no reply. It hurts.

KeepCool - that's too much. I've ghosted and I certainly don't enjoy inflicting pain or having power over others. I loathe it. That's probably why I have stayed in friendships long after they were good for my own sanity and only left when I felt drained to breaking point.

Sorry you're hurt. Could it have been something you said?

I ghosted my friend of 30 years+. Looking back now I suppose I could have had it out with her but I wasnt in a good place and was so upset by what she'd said I just felt I didn't want to know her anymore.

I'd been in a horrible relationship and just finished with my cheating, narc, abusive ex who she didn't know very well at all having only met him twice, briefly. I know I was venting but she pulled me up saying 'Well I'm sure he'd have lots to say about you'. & That was it for me. That 1 sentence, + her tone.

She did try to keep in touch several times but I made no effort to meet so that was that. I don't miss her nor feel I owe her an explanation. If she knew why I was upset I'm sure she'd think 'But I just said 1 thing/was being honest'.

Sometimes you outgrow friendships or they just run their course. It's probably best to leave it now.

I did it to a friend after 19 years. I was never listened to , she was me,me,me , my MIL was dreadfully ill, l had a huge amount of work on with my job, family, husband & home. A mutual friends father died and instead of her telling me she let me find out 2 weeks ltr in the local rag. She has form for doing this , she said before 'lt wasn't my business to tell you ' that was all very well but the mutual friend l know wouldn't have minded her telling me he had died fgs. I listened to her for hours on the phone , l supported her through her divorce, her spending crisis , her mother being ill. l did everything l could do for her to support her and she repaid me by behaving as if l was a nosy parker . I had just had enough, l had supported her through Bipolar diagnosis , anxiety , depression, an abortion, man trouble, money trouble, work trouble and she treated me like that . It was the last straw . I just stopped talking to her. When l see her l say hello but that is it. I am sorry you have experienced this happening to you but in my case l just couldn't do it anymore .

I've ghosted friends. Long term friends too.

I'm not a coward, I don't enjoy inflicting pain. In fact, the reason I ghosted them is because telling them they were narcissistic, bitchy, draining people or that I thought their life choices were damaging would have been more painful for them to hear than me simply backing off.

I believe their opinions as to why I ghosted them are different but the truth is - they weren't very nice people. I wasted two decades on them and after a significant life event, wasn't prepared to waste another moment.

I've also been ghosted. It hurts at first but you do get over it. People change OP, nothing lasts forever.

I have been ghosted. I don’t know for sure why but at the time my child was being diagnosed with ASD and her kids was starting private school, so both going down different paths. It was all very weird as at the time she was still saying let’s meet up, then cancelled everything she had arranged. I texted her goodbye and all the best in the new year. I actually bumped into her a few weeks back and found myself wanting to hide from her. Seeing her actually filled me with dread. I’m sad it ended that way, we seemed to get on really well. But looking back we just had the little kids in common. It’s sad to say but nothing could make me see me and her ever getting on again. I think it’s made it harder to trust people after that.
In my case this friend moved her kids around various schools as from what she told me and old mutual friends tell me, she drops people as as she goes. She just prefers being friends with her kids friends mums. I hope that works out for long term. I’m happier just enjoying company now with no expectations and no oversharing.

I do wonder if I have ever ghosted someone - not to my knowledge of course - but inadvertently by being busy and not fully understanding a friend's depth of feelings

I wonder this because being ghosted feels so incredibly awful - like the five stages of grief for the loss of something important and dear and what you relied upon as being solid and true - that I wonder if anyone can purposefully and knowingly do that to another person

I had to back off from a friend after being such a support to her with a lot of trouble in her home (including her coming to stay with my family because her living situation became unbearable)
She was there for me a lot too, that’s not to be downplayed. But when she started telling me that her husband would hear the phone ring and roll his eyes and say ‘bet it’s sheldon’ and get pissed off, when she got spiteful about me being diagnosed with something and her subsequently not getting the same diagnosis, I had to step back.

I studied the friendship and realised that it was very unequal. I realised I was the one to call her and I’d get snarky comments if I left it more than a day- the phone line goes both ways though and she never called me. I realised that I was getting spiteful comments when I asked how she was and she never sent my kids a birthday card despite asking presents for her kids and demanding them be posted when I couldn’t be there in person because my child was sick.

I’m not proud of ghosting. But I couldn’t cope with being made to feel constantly awful when I know I was a good friend.

I’m sorry op I know that doesn’t help. I know you’re probably in a totally different predicament and can’t see the wood for the trees with why your friend has suddenly dropped off your radar. I hope you get answers or at least come to terms with the loss of the friendship

I just think there is nothing wrong with going NC with someone who is toxic to you. That’s not something to be ashamed of at all. Not that all these situations are like mine or some of the extreme ones here. A lot of these experiences sound like people have just drifted apart or been too busy and not made the same priorities, the OP sounds like it could have been that. I have never done that, I keep up with a lot of friends from throughout my life, but I have cut out someone who was using me and it certainly wasn’t because I enjoy inflicting pain

So what is ghosting then? I thought it was gradually reducing contact, avoiding meet ups and so on.
If it’s stopping getting in touch then yes, I have ghosted a few people. Not sure if I call it ghosting though as I realised that I was the one to organise meet ups, called, texted and so on. I just stopped doing it and waited for the other person to initiate- it never happened.
As somebody else pointed out it goes both ways, they can also call/text or visit.
I live rurally but thought nothing of jumping in the car and drive for an hour to see a friend, sadly they didn’t think the same.
I started to think that I really must have some appaling traits if people drop me and sometimes even turn on me but I’d rather knew about it 🙁

Bollocks to the power & pain thing, that's projecting way too much. Most people don't have time to sit there ruminating about how to be hurtful or spiteful.

I don't want to have a massive confrontation with someone I see rarely. My friend was happily using me when it suited her, disappearing when I needed a bit of support. How do you say that to someone, who's probably unaware that they do this, as they have a busy life, etc.

I wish my friend well but it's better to leave thing drift than have a massive drama about it. No point.

@Moralitym1n1 - maybe, but he's had a girlfriend for about 6 years so if that was ever the case, you'd think he'd be over me now.
I'll try thinking that it's because I'm so heartbreakingly fab rather than the possible fact that he just hates me.
I really miss him, he was so much fun to spend time with and I valued his opinion on so many things. It seems like such a waste of a lovely warm friendship.

I take ghosting to be a gradual NC, replying less and less and then not at all.

In contrast, I have a friend who has does the opposite and talks to the friend whenever someone is taking the piss. She is a very giving and loyal person who would do anything for anyone, but now she has a reputation for being argumentative and falling out with friends because she stands up to people using her. She doesn’t play any games iyswim. If she had ghosted a few more people she wouldn’t have ex friends saying she “turns on you when you need her most” type stuff. She doesn’t at all.

I think its better to reduce contact then leave it with someone than tell them straight. In my experience people cant stand to be told why your leaving the friendship.
Last time I told a friend that was it and I didn't want to see her anymore, she started verbally abusing me, shouting and swearing in the street and then physically attacked me.
Since then she has screamed at me when I been out locally and I've had to have the Police to tell her to back off.

I have tried to put down boundaries and assert myself in the moment if a particular friend is taking the piss or being offensive. If that friend doesn’t respect or respond to that then they get a “fade to grey”. I don’t bother giving an explanation as they won’t listen as they have already shown that they are in capable of listening.

One person that I faded out - it took 6 months of - “Thanks but sorry, no I am busy” for them to stop contacting me. Then 4 months later I got a raging abusive text for “ghosting” - I didn’t ghost as I always responded politely - they just couldn’t accept that I didn’t want my finite emotional energy and time hijacked by them.

We need to make room for other friends as relationships sometimes run their course.

There's a lot of projecting and justifying on here about positive reasons for ghosting people.

And lot's of very valid reasons for doing so too.

However bear in mind there is always a flip and people do ghost because they think nothing of causing pain and confusion to good people. It can be jealousy, deep rooted MH issues to name but only a few.

I thought ghosting was completely severing all contact, not responding to messages, calls, etc? Which I can imagine must be very confusing and hurtful.

If it's just a gradual letting go of a relationship, with no animosity or rudeness, I think that's just called a friendship running its course. And I wonder if that's not just a really common, maybe even healthy thing, for many relationships.

I thought ghosting was completely severing all contact, not responding to messages, calls, etc? Which I can imagine must be very confusing and hurtful.

Yes, that is my understanding of ghosting also. That was my experience of it. Out of nowhere, no contact, no response to texts, or calls.
The person did get back in touch years later after dropping all contact abruptly.

It hurts that she did what she did. We didn't resume our friendship.

It's a rather complicated process.
I definitely withdrew from friends dramatically, not many , but a few.

Each time I was at the end of my tether.
Had been a good supportive friend for years.
One was just bitchy when I was pregnant. My husband had pointed it out years earlier but one day she said something hurtful when I was just being an ear and suddenly I was done.

The other friend was also funnily enough when I was pregnant on my 3rd, with very young children. She rang me constantly to go through the minutiae of her day at length. One day I had enough.

For me it certainly wasn't an intention to hurt.
I just wanted to not have them in my life any longer.

I’m ghosting a friend. I would happily tell her the reasons outright but
a) she quite manipulative (her natural gift of the gab is one of her attractive qualities) so she would use what I said to suit her story and

b) I am very honest and it would ruin the friendship regardless.
Easier this way as it saves her playing out the whole “ drama”.We have just grown apart.

It is worth notingthat she has fallen out to the point of no contact with several important people in her life Yet she would never say she was the issue in a relationship.

@RhubarbTea

Maybe not, who knows.

You'll only ever know why by asking him and getting an honest answer; but some people won't give that.

I don't think he'd say. Well, I have messaged him a good many times, leaving a month interval and then trying again and he's not reading or replying to any (but he is alive), so that's that I guess.
The whole way he's done this has made me lose a lot of respect for him which is a shame as I liked and respected him hugely so am having to deal with massive disillusionment as well as grief, worry etc.
And yet if he popped up I'd shake my head, hug him and forgive him in a moment which possibly suggests that I'm a total mug.

suddenly I was done

Billy that's exactly how I react.

I find it very hard to confront people who behave badly or one-sidedly in a friendship. I just suck it up and suck it up and then something goes ping, like a guitar string snapping and I suddenly feel quite detached and think: enough of that. I do understand how hurtful this is, but do the users and snipers and narcissists have any idea how hurtful and draining it is to be their sidekick all the time.

I ghosted a 25-year plus friend after she left a voicemail cancelling our arranged evening out together. This was the sixth such arrangement she had cancelled over about 18 months. Her reason for cancelling was that she couldn't get childcare (at 3 months notice). She left the message the day before we were due to meet up, and in a happy, chatty way mentioned the several nights out she had been on with various friends over the previous few days.

I took the hint and have not bothered (with) her since.

I was dropped by my bridesmaid twice due to pregnancy. The first time she admitted a couple of years later why and we moved on. My second child ended the friendship.
I miss her lots but understand I must have been a constant reminder of her personal situation (she hasn't married or had kids 12 years later and these were definite life goals for her).
I'd had an emcs with my first then two losses and fertility tx to conceive so not plain sailing, but I do get it and wish we were still friends.