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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

He left - Me and my 2 dc's will have to move in with my mum - I feel like I'm going backwards at the age of 41 :(

68 replies

Leapoffaith00 · 31/05/2019 18:39

He left 3 years ago - I have tried to stay in work full time and juggle childcare and pay the mortgage. I am losing my mind!!
I think it's time to sell and move home with my mum because it's impossible to stay here and afford the mortgage on my income alone (not even mentioning the upkeep). Rent is far too expensive. My mum has agreed I can stay there.
I have had to take a pay cut and changed jobs 3 times in 3 years as I don't have childcare. I have run out of options.
I just feel like I'm going backwards - Whilst he is buying a lovely new home with his new girlfriend and her dc's. It makes me feel like I am completely failing! I'm 42 this year. All I do is try to stay afloat.
How can I start again now!?

OP posts:
notsodimwit · 31/05/2019 18:48

Didn't want to read and run Flowerssomeone will be here soon with some good advice ....what an awful time for you Sad

OneRingToRuleThemAll · 31/05/2019 18:54

Are you married? Why does he get enough assets to buy a home but you have to move in with parents?

Fantasisa · 31/05/2019 18:58

Is there any chance you could rent out your house, move in with your mum for now to save money and then move back to your house once the childcare costs reduce?

anonforthespies43267 · 31/05/2019 19:00

Don’t have any advice but also try not to feel like this. You’ve worked very hard to keep things going for you & your children and if moving in with your mum makes things more manageable then it’s the best option.
Sending love xxx

Bluetrews25 · 31/05/2019 19:02

Keep focused on the positives.
The DCs will not need childcare for ever, so you will be able to work longer hours eventually
You may be able to save up towards your next home while living with your DM
DM might be able to help a little with the DCs
DM is another adult in the home for you to talk to and share your day.

Things have a way of working out.
Hope things get better for you soon.

Desmondo2016 · 31/05/2019 19:02

Whose name is the house in? The renting it out idea is worth exploring. Does he pay cms?

kbPOW · 31/05/2019 19:03

@Fantasisa 's idea is really good!

Original poster
Leapoffaith00 · 31/05/2019 19:04

Thankyou for your replies. Yes married. I have made all enquiries and cannot change mortgage to a rental mortgage without his say so. Can't do anything without his say so. He knows this so won't make it easier as he wants his equity. Can't afford to take this to court. I'm just exhausted by it all.
All I know is his girlfriend has sold a property and made money.

I would love to hear if anyone else has done this with a positive ending. I'm so worried of the unknown. Not having a secure home or a secure income. It's not knowing that scares me.

OP posts:
Original poster
Leapoffaith00 · 31/05/2019 19:09

Thankyou for your kind words. It's both names on mortgage.
My mum is hardly ever there, it's virtually empty. I appreciate that we won't be homeless, I really do. It's just not ours :( I'm scared of feeling like it's not home.
I also feel like I have tried so hard to be independent. I feel like I'm failing. I know I shouldn't.

OP posts:
Missingstreetlife · 31/05/2019 19:11

Hope he is paying maintainance. Get legal advice

Fantasisa · 31/05/2019 19:16

I would threaten him with defaulting on the mortgage if it is in both of your names as that will scupper his chances of getting a new one with his girlfriend. Perhaps the threat of that will mean that he will agree to it turning into a buy to let mortgage in your name only with a charge on the house for him to get his equity back in the future?

I think you do need legal advice, I wouldn't give up on being a home owner just yet in case you are never likely to get back on the ladder. Life won't always be as expensive as it is during the horror of the childcare years.

Flowers Wine Brew

Original poster
Leapoffaith00 · 31/05/2019 19:16

That's all he does as he knows he has to. I have done - I now have a credit card bill. I just can't afford any more. It's court next and definitely can't afford that.
I can't believe the battle. I knew it wasn't going to be easy but....

OP posts:
stucknoue · 31/05/2019 19:21

Hugs. I know how you feel about the thought of going home. That would be the sensible option for me - parents could do with a child living nearby at least but it seems like running away and wrong in your 40's. (I've not even told them h wants to separate). I'm thinking I will hang in until dd finishes university at least as he's going to pay the mortgage (had mine younger than you) then think about it (in a kind of bizarre way my parents needing care would make the decision for me and be very face saving!)

Think about the pros and cons but perhaps the sooner you get yourself back on track with your mums help the sooner you can really move on (and dating will be easier with a babysitter on tap!)

Original poster
Leapoffaith00 · 31/05/2019 19:28

stucknoue Smile it's a difficult time. Worry of the uncertainty. I worry I will never buy again, well be able to on one salary. My mum has offered to sell and buy again, aswell as putting my equity in and we live there forever how long. I am so lucky she is considering this, I appreciate it but it won't be ours. I am lucky to not face homelessness like some do. That must be so so scary. I know I have options. I just felt my whole world fell apart when he left. It appears it's still falling. I just want to be strong and independent and show him I can do this alone.

OP posts:
Dullardmullard · 31/05/2019 19:42

thought if one has a mortgage already they can't have another not even with another person till they off one mortgage.

you can do it yourself in court but would be better to have a lawyer there for you so he doesn't stiff you.

now get the ball rolling and see him in court plus I hope he's paying for the kids if not a claim into CMS now. do not be fobbed off either with tales of I'll see you right crap.

Mycatatetherat · 31/05/2019 19:42

Can you sell and downsize or move to cheaper area? He isn't getting 50% equity is he? At most I'd offer 25% and even that's at a push, depending on how long he was paying towards mortgage.

Original poster
Leapoffaith00 · 31/05/2019 19:51

I have to stay close to my dc's schools, I can't change their schools. I still couldn't raise it alone. I have asked if I can remortgage but I don't earn enough.
He does pay csa. That's all he does.
I may never buy again alone again. It's a huge chance. Was hoping for some happy ever after stories.

OP posts:
Mycatatetherat · 31/05/2019 20:00

I have a happy story but it was dependent on me having an affordable house in the first place which sadly it doesn't sound like yours is...
I raised enough cash to buy my ex out. I offered 30% equity (as I'm housing the kids and have lower earning potential, childcare costs) and he took it. I then took over the mortgage. I couldn't remortgage either as didn't earn enough but could manage the current monthly repayments alone. If I were in your situation I think I'd beg borrow or steal to raise his equity and buy him out and take over the mortgage and then sell and downsize. Is that possible?

Kahlua4me · 31/05/2019 20:04

You need to look at this as a sideways step, not a backwards one, even though I can imagine that’s really hard to do.

This move will give you time to breathe, regroup and plan for your future with dc. If you buy with your mum, using your equity then it will be yours as you will have invested in it.

granadagirl · 31/05/2019 20:16

What about buying him out for 25%
3 of u so 25% each
Then see if you can get mortgage
25 yrs at lower payment. I know u will be starting again with years, but it would be yours
who know what’s round the corner

What about mum doing equity release to pay H his 25%
Say your inheritance upfront

pinkginandlemonade · 31/05/2019 20:20

Not been through it myself but could you consider a shared ownership purchase with what you get out of a house sale?

bobisbored · 31/05/2019 20:24

Op I'm not an expert but if the mortgage is in joint names he remains responsible for 50% of the repayments, even if he's not living there. If he stops paying it will affect his equity. He should be paying half the mortgage and child support.
Have a look at this website www.gingerbread.org.uk/
Get some decent legal advice. I know you have the option of your mum but please do not give up your home without a fight. I did and bitterly regret it.

Original poster
Leapoffaith00 · 31/05/2019 20:39

Thankyou for the ideas. I'm going to chat to my mum tomorrow properly.
I'm hoping I can part buy on my own in the future ore buy with my mum.
bobisbored thankyou - will look into it. Can I ask, why did you regret it?

OP posts:
Purpleheadgirl · 31/05/2019 21:40

Have you a spare room? Could look into renting it to someone appropriate x

ivykaty44 · 31/05/2019 21:46

I put the dds into one bedroom and rented out the other bedroom, it gave me a much the extra dosh to keep the house - tax free you can have £7k and it didn’t affect tax credits

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