He left - Me and my 2 dc's will have to move in with my mum - I feel like I'm going backwards at the age of 41 :(

[Leapoffaith00]

He left 3 years ago - I have tried to stay in work full time and juggle childcare and pay the mortgage. I am losing my mind!!
I think it's time to sell and move home with my mum because it's impossible to stay here and afford the mortgage on my income alone (not even mentioning the upkeep). Rent is far too expensive. My mum has agreed I can stay there.
I have had to take a pay cut and changed jobs 3 times in 3 years as I don't have childcare. I have run out of options.
I just feel like I'm going backwards - Whilst he is buying a lovely new home with his new girlfriend and her dc's. It makes me feel like I am completely failing! I'm 42 this year. All I do is try to stay afloat.
How can I start again now!?

Leap could you look at selling now and putting the money into shared ownership?

It's a very small 3 bed, with the box room literally being a box. I would have definitely contemplated this otherwise.
I have been looking into shared ownership actually. Apparently it doesn't have to be new homes either.

I think you need to give yourself a break for 3 years you have handled this. Moving to your mum's is just a bump in the road time for you to collect yourself.

I like the idea of asking your mum if she could buy him out of the marital home x

Have you tried decreasing/changing all your bills ?

Don't auto renew anything, shop around for cheaper deals every year

Could you rent out a room? It's not great having a stranger sharing your house, but better than losing your home.

My two daughters slept with me in a double bed until they were each fourteen, because that's what needed to happen for me to hold on to a house. I was lucky they were both girls.

We're really close now that they're adults, that's the good thing about the shitty things we went through together. Life does get better, I thought I'd never recover but now I wouldn't change anything.

Friends used to say "imagine how you'll be in five years time, all today's problems will be way in the past" and it was true.

Oh this sounds so hard. How do you feel about buying with your mum?
The housing market is so tricky in the uk and there just isn’t enough housing. I think multi generational living is becoming more common. Could you reframe your thinking so you don’t think of it as a step back to living at home but a new start where you choose somewhere for you and mum? Where you have financial security, a nice home for your children and don’t have to worry about being beholden to any man?

Thankyou for your messages.
My dc's are 14 and 11. There have been occasions when they have both snuggled in with me and we have watched a film. I don't get much sleep but I don't mind once in a while. I have thought about it. The box room is like a matchbox. My youngest has a bed in there and her clothes are in a double wardrobe in my other dd's room. It's a small house.
My mum is talking about selling her 2 bed and buying another and adding my 50k equity. I would need to move into her 2 bed first as we both need to sell. My mum's might take a little longer. Maybe we need this fresh start. My mortgage is crippling me at the moment.

Outanabout glad it worked out for you. I hope I can say the same in a few years. It's the unknown that is scary.
Didiusfalco yes, this is how I'm trying to look at it this morning. Yesterday I had another set back, I just felt exhausted. I need to try and be positive about this. It's the unknown isn't it. I worry if I sell mine, my mum won't be able to and we will be stuck.

If your mums is the harder to sell could she move in with you and sell hers first? I guarantee that adding three extra people and all their stuff won’t make it any easier to shift. If she moves in with you, you could declutter and emulsion everything and make it a more appealing prospect?

It all passes. My abiding memory of that time is trying not to sob when crying in bed at night, for fear of waking the children. I can laugh about it now, remembering how I cried with fear, thinking "my life is shit" when in reality i was just moving away from a miserable situation that had become the norm for me.

It becomes very important to regain control in your life, rather than just reacting and suiting an ex because that's what you've done for years. It takes time to learn how to look at situations and see that what your ex wants isn't the most important thing. He's suited himself, now you have to fight for yourself and your children. He's signalled that his needs come first, well so be it. Your needs come first for you. Steel in the backbone!!

Didiusfalco my mum is never there she virtually lives with her partner in another town. It's empty. I'm struggling with my mortgage repayments at the moment so would need to sell soon. I don't want to accumulate arrears as I did when he first left and it impacted on my credit score. The arrears took 2 years to pay back so technically been paying securely for a year on my own. I really want to be in good sted to have an option to buy again as it was awful owing money back. It would be taking a chance. Maybe living at my mums until it did sell, which could be a while.

Outanabout I have had many of those nights. I'm glad it worked out for you.
Part of me wanted to fight to stay to prove to him I can do this without him - him knowing I'm going back home, well, I hate that thought. He has completely got it all together. I'm still, 3 years on juggling my different jobs, no real role, struggling with bills and I have probably put on about 2 stone (I blame the wine). Oh god I sound a mess don't I?

I know the UK is obsessed with home ownership, unlike much of the continent. But having a mortgage/ownership is NOT more important than mh or a happy home with love and laughter. Living 3 generations together is becoming more normal as families are priced out of rent and ownership. It's not a step backwards, but a step towards a happy family life!

Oh god I sound a mess don't I?

You don’t actually. You sound like a trouper And even though things have been shit, you’re not putting your head in the sand. You’re planning for the future and working out how to make the best of a difficult situation. I think you sound really together tbh, although it obviously doesn’t feel like that to you. I’m impressed.

Is his name on the mortgage? Is he paying his half? He can’t just default on his share and then get equity out!

Also, how old are your DCs?

Have you had any legal advice at all? Most solicitors will do free half hour so you should use that to find out where you stand with the mortgage before walking away. There’s also an organisation called Rights for Women which give free legal advice to women. Google them. Have you got space for a lodger? So, your ex should be paying his share of the mortgage and you could rent out a room to supplement your income.

Is he sharing the childcare? Having DCs 50% of the week?

My friend husband left her when her dad was in hospital. Her dad died quite suddenly and her husband cleaned out the bank account stopped paying the mortgage and other bills and disappeared. Then he took 1/2 her dad inheritance in the divorce. She was paying off their wedding while working a cleaner at night after working her professional job during the day. She had to move in with her mum and still couldn’t get straight. I only found this out because I did a bit of catering on the side and offhand asked her if she wanted a left over lasagne. She was so hard up a large lasagne made a difference to her life. I never knew anyone could behave that badly to someone they once loved (ah youth)

Anyway 10 years on, she’s remarried has 2 more kids, financially sound and the dark days are a distant memory. But now way could she see the light at the end of the tunnel when she was in it.

I think it makes a difference that your kids are 14 and 11 - there's not too many years left of needing to work around childcare. Very soon the eldest will be able to look after the youngest around school hours.

Have you got an account on money saving expert? They're great at working out budgets for people and figuring out the optimal way to set-up your incomings and outgoings to meet all your obligations. Ask on there about the mortgage - how to hold your ex to paying his half (if there's a way to do so), and what your options might be.

There’s definitely a way to make him pay his half. He can’t not pay his half and then take half the equity from the sale. You will need legal advice though. They can do it so that his mortgage payments are taken out of his share of the equity. Shop around for a solicitor who will let you spread payments or agree to take legal costs once the house sale has gone through. Theres help out there for you. What is the situation with mortgage payments. How many has he missed and how much equity is in the house?

You really should get legal advice. He doesn't automatically get 50% of the equity of the house and pp's are right lenders generally won't allow him to buy another property while already having a mortgage.

You said you were struggling to pay your mortgage so does that mean he isn't paying his share? If so, and if that's been the case for the last 3 years, you are paying for him. Have you actually got divorced? If so what was the agreement in the court order or consent order? Usually, if you have lower earning potential due to family responsibilities then you would be awarded a much higher percentage share of the equity meaning that how much you need to give him to buy him out would be much less.

Please get some legal advice.

Iamtheworst wow! That made me feel emotional. It's awful to think people can act this way. I don't understand how heartless people can be. I'm so glad things worked out for your friend.
Thankyou all. I can't have a lodger, my house is too small. I have seriously gone through every option re house and his payments. I can't remortgage, I can't make him pay. I have a credit card bill now as I have been back and forth to solicitor. Next step would be paying to take him to court. I have seen 3 solicitors over the years, spoken to lenders, my mortgage company. He pretty much holds the cards. He will get equity but it will be at a smaller percentage.
I have reduced all bills.
I really have tried it all and thankyou for your help.
Thankyou also for your kind words.
My dd's are of an age where I won't always need to juggle childcare, you're right. I can't hold on much longer as the last few payments have been difficult. I'm not sure how long it would take to sell, so need to take into consideration the next 3 to 6 payments, maybe longer but hopefully not.
I want to feel this is a positive step. It's so scary.

This is a useful website
www.money.co.uk/mortgages/what-divorce-means-for-your-mortgage.htm

On it, it says many banks are sympathetic to cases like yours and can offer a “payment holiday”. Speak to them and see if they will suspend your mortgage payments. Ask for a year. Then you can use that money to get a good solicitor to sort this out for you xxxx