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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

please help dp has left and isnt coming back and i dont know what to do

54 replies

divastrop · 21/07/2007 23:39

i wish i was dead.i have fucked everything up.we kept having rows about him chatting to women on online games and i know i was being a control freak but i have PND and i am very insecure.i have been seeing a councellor.

when we were first together he had a job but he quit and couldnt find another.he started playing online games and got really into one of them.

he used to do loads around the house,all the cooking,helping bath the kids,do the housework etc.over the last few months this has got less and less before he left he was only sweeping the floor and tidying the living room after tea,the rest of the time he was plying the pc game.

he stopped going out after a while,said he had always had a problem with crowds etc.also,when we met he had a few female friends,and i had a few male ones,but he deleted the womens numbers off his phone and said they didnt matter anyway,he also deleted all the men i had on my msn contacts.i wasnt bothered at the time,i didnt really speak to them that much and a couple were ex's.

tongiht he said ive been keeping him in a cage,he has stopped going out because he was scared i would accuse him of looking at other women.i never did this in the past,i dont know why he said it.but he said it was my fault.and he said he did stuff around the house but it was never enough as im never happy.he also said that one woman he stopped talking to when we met was one of his best friends,and imlied that i had stopped this friendship,but i never asked him to delete his numbers.

when we met i didnt want a relationship,we were meeting as friends but were attracted to each other,and things happened.he told me he had fallen in love with me and wanted to be with me forever.

he even said this morning that he wants to spend his life with me.we were supposed to be getting married in october.then he said he wanted to play the pc game from 4am-6am once a month,play then go back to bed.i said that was out of order,we have a 4 month old baby,if he wants to play pc games at 4am he should have stayed single.

so he got angry and said all those nasty things and took his ring off and gave me his key and went.i started shouting at him and he said i was close to getting hit,even though hes never hit a woman.

he has texted to say he will pick some clothes up tomorrow and i text back and said 'why some,why not everything?' and he said he doesnt have any taxi money,so i txt back saying i would give him some money as i will take the wedding rings back and get a refund.

my heart is breaking and i dont know what to do.i always fuck everyhting up.i should have stayed on my own cos i dont deserve anyone.i want to crwl into a hole but i cant as i have 5 kids to look after and i have to stay strong for them.

i know this is so long i had to get it all out sorry.

OP posts:

mummytosteven · 21/07/2007 23:43

sorry to hear this, I hope that he changes his mind and you can work through this. sorry I've not got anything more useful to say.

VeniVidiVickiQV · 21/07/2007 23:43

Oh diva

VeniVidiVickiQV · 21/07/2007 23:45

Do you love him?

Original poster

divastrop · 21/07/2007 23:46

he text saying he wants to come back.i said ok but i dont know what to do,how can i trust him?every time i say im not happy with something he will say he's leaving.i will be walking on eggshells like i was with my ex's.i love him but im so scared

OP posts:

Fireflyfairy2 · 21/07/2007 23:46

Oh Diva

I read your last thread & even posted on it. Do you think maybe you should link to it so posters can get a better overview?

Sorry this has happened sweetie

mollymawk · 21/07/2007 23:46

So sorry to hear this. Just try to stay calm in the next few days - try not to get into arguments and say things you might regret. He may calm down himself and see sense and you may be able to work it out. And try to get some sleep if you can.

toesh · 21/07/2007 23:47

anything like this happened before? has he left, i mean? feel for you.

gibberish · 21/07/2007 23:48

Diva It sounds like he has overreacted to your response. Can I ask if this is your first child together?

mummytosteven · 21/07/2007 23:48

might he be depressed too?

Original poster

divastrop · 21/07/2007 23:48

i told him when we met i was too fucked up to have a relationship.i am too paranoid.i am mad,i get depressed.i cant do it.i cant accept somebody loves me cos i hate me.

OP posts:

VeniVidiVickiQV · 21/07/2007 23:48

Oh sweet.

You both love each other. Start liking yourselves and each other.

Someone's gotta take the initiative and start - maybe you can say sorry, tell him how you feel, and tell him that you want to fix things?

Ask him how he feels too, and what he wants to fix.

Fireflyfairy2 · 21/07/2007 23:49

Why did he leave? I know you said it was because you said he couldn't play pc games from 4am til 6am but surely there were other reasons?

I sorta can get him saying you keep him in cage, from reading your other thread, but I thought, reading between the lines, that it worked both ways. Everyone needs interests outside of a marriage & the computer games were his interest, is that right?

Hopefully you will work it out xx

VeniVidiVickiQV · 21/07/2007 23:49

Are you on AD's?

Original poster

divastrop · 21/07/2007 23:50

he left once before when i was 5 weeks pregnant i was being a total cow.he also walked out of the labour ward after th mw broke my waters.

sort of first child together,very long story,but he is also dd2's dad

OP posts:

Callmemadam · 21/07/2007 23:51

Divastrop = my instant thought is that he is suffering from depression - really really serious depression, and that he needs to see his GP asap. The birth of your baby might have triggered it, but it sounds as though it has been building up and up for a while and now he has lashed out. Can you try and persuade him to at least make an appointment to discuss how he is feeling with his doctor?

maximummummy · 21/07/2007 23:51

Hopefully you'll have both calmed down and had time to think by tomorrow. Maybe a little time apart will be good for you both. i hope things feel better for you in the morning

Fireflyfairy2 · 21/07/2007 23:52

other thread

Just for background xo

Original poster

divastrop · 21/07/2007 23:53

am on prozac,was upped from 20 to 40mg a day about 2 months ago.i knew what i was doing was wrong but i couldnt sort it out.i have always been scared he will leave because he has left before,but that fear was also pushing him away.i stopped seeing my friends cos i was depressed.

OP posts:

foxcub · 21/07/2007 23:53

Diva - I think you should swallow your pride and tell him how much you love him and how insecure you feel. He clearly loves you and you deserve to be loved by him.

I wish you could stop feeling so insecure about him, which is probably due to your past experiences with crappo men. he sound s like he really does love you.

toesh · 21/07/2007 23:53

Any chance the two of you could use this as an opportunity to sort out what it is you need from each other - it seems you both really want to be together.....?

Original poster

divastrop · 21/07/2007 23:57

firefly-i also started a thread about exactly the same thing months ago.

he has suffered from depression in the past,he was on ads for a while he said but they made him feel worse.

i like me when im on my own,i turn into a freak when im in a relationship.narrow-minded and controlling.i am always thinking in the back of my mind 'this isnt me' when im talikng crap,even when i was posting alot of those things on that thread,i was thinking 'i dont really believe this' i am always pretending to be somebody im not cos im scared.

OP posts:

VeniVidiVickiQV · 21/07/2007 23:57

I'm thinking that maybe you need to change your meds, because whilst you are having counselling, your meds should be helping somewhat, and I dont think they are, are they?

The thing with PND, is that it can emphasise fears, irrationalities etc, so, what would be 'normal' anxieties, are becoming almost paralysing to you.

It does sound like your DP is depressed too. Maybe a trip to the docs for both of you is in order?

Original poster

divastrop · 21/07/2007 23:59

and he kept saying,the past few months,that he wishes i would just 'get on with it' and stop trying to be something im not..i didnt know what he meant till now.

OP posts:

Original poster

divastrop · 22/07/2007 00:01

vvvqv-i have been to the doctors so many times,i tried changing ad's but couldnt tolerate the different ones.i think the ad's have helped all they can and i need to start changing the way i think.i make myself depressed by thinking bad things all the time.but i dont know how to stop.i am waiting for a CBT appointment.

OP posts:

VeniVidiVickiQV · 22/07/2007 00:02

Do you think if you went back to the GP, it might hurry along the CBT appointment?

Have you tried Sertraline?

Natural rememdies?

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