please help dp has left and isnt coming back and i dont know what to do

[divastrop]

i wish i was dead.i have fucked everything up.we kept having rows about him chatting to women on online games and i know i was being a control freak but i have PND and i am very insecure.i have been seeing a councellor.

when we were first together he had a job but he quit and couldnt find another.he started playing online games and got really into one of them.

he used to do loads around the house,all the cooking,helping bath the kids,do the housework etc.over the last few months this has got less and less before he left he was only sweeping the floor and tidying the living room after tea,the rest of the time he was plying the pc game.

he stopped going out after a while,said he had always had a problem with crowds etc.also,when we met he had a few female friends,and i had a few male ones,but he deleted the womens numbers off his phone and said they didnt matter anyway,he also deleted all the men i had on my msn contacts.i wasnt bothered at the time,i didnt really speak to them that much and a couple were ex's.

tongiht he said ive been keeping him in a cage,he has stopped going out because he was scared i would accuse him of looking at other women.i never did this in the past,i dont know why he said it.but he said it was my fault.and he said he did stuff around the house but it was never enough as im never happy.he also said that one woman he stopped talking to when we met was one of his best friends,and imlied that i had stopped this friendship,but i never asked him to delete his numbers.

when we met i didnt want a relationship,we were meeting as friends but were attracted to each other,and things happened.he told me he had fallen in love with me and wanted to be with me forever.

he even said this morning that he wants to spend his life with me.we were supposed to be getting married in october.then he said he wanted to play the pc game from 4am-6am once a month,play then go back to bed.i said that was out of order,we have a 4 month old baby,if he wants to play pc games at 4am he should have stayed single.

so he got angry and said all those nasty things and took his ring off and gave me his key and went.i started shouting at him and he said i was close to getting hit,even though hes never hit a woman.

he has texted to say he will pick some clothes up tomorrow and i text back and said 'why some,why not everything?' and he said he doesnt have any taxi money,so i txt back saying i would give him some money as i will take the wedding rings back and get a refund.

my heart is breaking and i dont know what to do.i always fuck everyhting up.i should have stayed on my own cos i dont deserve anyone.i want to crwl into a hole but i cant as i have 5 kids to look after and i have to stay strong for them.

i know this is so long i had to get it all out sorry.

Diva, i think you bothneed some space, and stop being harsh on yourself, i know it must be difficult at this time but think of the futureand what joy your 5kids can bring you.
may be vicki is right, change of meds does help.
hope it works out for u...

If he is addicted to gaming he might be feeling really guilty about neglecting you so he is trying to pick fights to justify his behaviour. He might need to get help with addiction.

Be kind to each other. You need to be very clear with him about what you want out of this relationship. Try and set some groundrules for both of you before he moves back in.

he came back last night,said he was sorry for saying those things about the female friend and the not going out,that he didnt mean them and had only said it to hurt me as he was angry.he said he is nervous about getting married and wasnt sure of my reasons for wanting to marry him.he is also worried about the summer holidays as he knows when i get stressed i get more paranoid as i think hes going to leave me rather than stay around with all the kids etc.

i think i needed a good kick up the arse(not literally)as i had got to the point of going round in circles,feeling paranoid about the game,falling out with him about it,thinking 'im conrolling him and hes going to leave me 'then getting more paranoid.

i have to learn to accept that i cant change anybody else,i can only change the way i think about things.i know that in the past,when i havent been 'checking up' or questioning him,cos i feel ok and dont care about who hes chatting to,he then wants to spend time with me and helps out alot more.

i need to figure out how to start liking myself and to learn that i can only control my own actions/thoughs,not anybody elses.

thank you everybody for all your support last night.

hi diva, glad he's back and you've talked.

would really really light a fire under your GP and push for that CBT appt. sounds like you're ready and would be really receptive to this method of counselling.

in the meantime, print off your last post and tack it up somewhere or keep it handy to remind yourself of how you want to change the way you think.

you can only change yourself for yourself tho. just as the other poster brilliantly said that you can't change other people, just the way that you behave in relation to them.

good luck, hope you have a nice day together and work out some of the issues and get back on track for your wedding.

ps: my h suffers depression and i find it sooo very hard when he says he can't love anyone or accept anyone's love as he doesn't love himself. don't be so hard on yourself mate, you are more than worthy of love and support.

Hiya.

Glad he came back. Sounds like you both love each other & you both want to work things out

Hopefully you can get through the summer & come out the other end a stronger couple who can talk through your problems.

I wish you the best of luck xxx

we survived last summer and i was pregnant then

paddlechick-my gp refferred me ages ago,and the team wrote back saying it wasnt suitable and i should be offered councelling instead.grrrr.i have been councelled to death.anyway,she wrote asking them to re-consider,and they sent me a letter with a reply slip,saying to return the slip if i still want an appointment.i did that about 2 weeks ago and am just waiting now.

i know there is no miricle cure,and only i can change how i think,but i think it would help if somebody could teach me effective ways of doing that.

reading your post, divastrop - first, you dont have to make excuses for your reactions to HIS behaviours. if he knew what he was doing was making you so insecure, it was in his control to stop doing such things. he didn't :I

he sounds so resentful of you and your family. which is a shame, but at the end of the day, there are more productive ways to deal with it.

he threatened to hit you?? i wouldnt assume he's never hit anyone else. he probably has. (i'd take this threat seriously.)

while rarely only one party is to blame in things like this, it certainly seems like he's got a lot of growing up and learning to do.

dont blame yourself so violently. i know its hard NOT to, but try. and remember, when you get to the bottom of that hole you've crawled into, the only way to look is UP.

and you'll be okay rally your family and friends and anyone you can. (this includes and not limited to: neighbours, GP, HV, people at mom/baby/toddler groups. anyone you can.) online support is great, but you'll need the in person support too.

if you feel he may hurt you, by NO means let him in the house with you and the kids alone.

keep us updated...x

americantrish-have you read my other thread re the online game thing?general opionin is that i was way OTT with that.however,i know that i am not to blame.i have the right to say if i am unhappy with things,without having to be scared.he did however apologise for saying nasty things.he also said 'you do know i would never hit you,dont you?' and i said 'well,i thought i did untill that moment'.tbh i have put that out of my mind for now,i dont want to think about it.

my mother thinks he is too young for me as he is 24 and i am 30,but he is far more mature than most of the men my own age ive had relationships with.

diva honey - how horrible for you but glad he came home.

Have you considered having relationship counselling as a couple? Sounds like you both need some help to come to some compromises about what is reasonable behaviour for both of you. As you know, I'm shit at relationships but my best mate is in a long term relationship with a man who grew up in care and has serious trust issues and couples counselling has really helped them.

Hope you sort things out - I know you really love one another so keep telling yourself that xx

diva, really hope you get an appointment for CBT very soon.

in the meantime there are some good self help books around based on and about CBT. you can buy off amazon but maybe your library could order for you if you don't want to spend a fortune on books.

my h's psychiatrist recommended 2 books. one was "why men don't listen and women can't read maps" which i thought was an interesting read - more about the different ways men and women communicate. if you both read it then you might find it easier to talk.

the other was "mind over mood" and it's actually a practical excercise book on how to monitor your own moods and how they affect your mental state.

another MN thread recommended it and i bought it the week before h's dr told him to get it.

apparently it's excellent.

of course my h believes he can fix himself. hasn't really bothered with either book, has stopped seeing his dr and is weaning himself off his ADs.

i haven't heard from him in over a week(lives at his parents) and that's actually pretty normal behaviour from him over the last 2 years.

believe me, i understand how hard it can be to recognise you need help and to get it and act on it. that's why i have a great deal of respect for you.

my h has had a massive amount of support, love and understanding and has turned his back on it all.

keep pushing for your appt.

Hi Diva, I have no advice i am afraid but am thinking of you and hope that you are ok. I am so so sorry that you are having such a terrible time at the moment and feel so desolate.

IMO You need to get yourself sorted. you are only 4 months post partum and your emotions are all over the place which doesn't help. it does sound like the prozac isn't working and you def need to get that sorted at your GP.

You said that councelling didn't help, would you give it another go because it sounds like you need to air alot of deep feelings. have you thought about doing relate or something similar where you can talk through your thoughts concerning your relationship with your DP and he can do the same. you obviously love, care and need him. have you laid your feeling son the line to him either by talking to him or in a letter if you can't talk without arguing.

a letter might help as he has to read it and can't cut you off before you tell him how you feel. I also find that i can express myself better in a letter as when i talk to my DH he just doesn't listen properly and cuts me off before i have finnished.

this might be a load of crap and of no use to you but i just wanted to help if i could. will come back later to see if you are ok.

i suffered with depression and was on prozac for 18 months and found that i couldn't sort anything out in my life until i had sorted myself. in fact i ruined everything i had even when i was on prozac and was still all over the place even with medication.

a book called the secret, can't remember the author but it helped me as it just forced me to focus on what i wanted. reads like a load of fruit loops if your not into that type of thing but for me just helped me to see what was important and made me believe that i was in control of my life and that i had worthy relationships and in the end i did, it took time but i healed all the pain i caused and have moved on.

hugs to you xx

Diva - fwiw
I think that chatting with another woman online ontext or whatever is a kind of adultery and should not be taken lightly.

I think that online games and stuff are slightly addictive and too easy to do. It was good that he made the effort to restrict his hours. But why did he want to do it in the middle of the night?

I think that a big part of living together is teamwork but that it often takes lots of rows and misunderstandings to get to a point where you can work together on your family without feeling hard done by.

I think that he needs to hang on in there and I feel your sadness. Give him every opportunity to come back. Keep the door open to him and don't make it too easy for him to cut the ties.

Best wishes x

thank you.

i will defo try and find a book to read.i was reading one when i was first pregnant,which was helping but i gave up halfway through as it was getting complicated and pregnancy brain made it hard for me to read anything more challenging than the beano.

i have had councelling loads of times,i have been seeing my current councellor for over 2 years.but i just end up going round in circles as ive talked about the crap things that have happened a million times and i need a way to move forward.

i dont know if i would feel any worse without the prozac,but im loathe to try anything different.i have been on many different ad's in the past 10 years,and prozac was the only one that ever worked.however,i dont think its working now,and i have noticed i am 'over-thinking' since the dose increase.bad thoughts go round and round my head,more so than before i was on the prozac.

as for dp,i find that he plays the pc game an awful lot more when he is stressed or we aren't getting on that well.its his way of escaping.

hi diva

you poor thing, what a shock for you.he has sounded nice though, over the months you have been posting. could he be depressed and feeling like he needs a job to feel better. he does sound a bit depressed, esp not wanting to go out. could you talk to anyone, maybe a charitable helpline? take care of yourself, mind

Hey he should be supporting you through your pnd.

Have you got anyone else?

Hi Diva, I hope you guys settle again soon. This often happens coming up to a big commitment. And I think the lead up to a wedding is always a bit stressful in a number of ways,
'The path of true love never runs smooth' but I'm sure you'll get there.

agree with rosy- my dp has been waking up in a cold sweat ever since he bought his suit. hope its just cold feet (with cold feet, you get a warm heart, so the saying goes)

Not much to add, just wanted to say that I am glad you are talking.

Hope things start going a little more smoothly soon.

dejags
x

Diva you are a marvelous woman and you need to believe that you are worthy of a happy relationship and he is happy with you. he is not looking for anyone else - he loves you!!

Diva, sorry I've come into this one late - busy weekend - I'm glad to hear that he came back.

I wonder if he does have a bit of an addiction to his online game; it's easy to get obsessive over these things (I remember several times sitting up in my dressing gown playing Civilisation until the early hours of the morning, dh coming downstairs and me saying "I'll come upstairs when I've finished off the Zulus"; dh too has had phases where he's gotten up ridiculously early in the morning to play Command and Conquer) but ime it could be a bit of a phase. And better to be addicted to an online game than drink, or hard drugs, or gambling.

I know that doesn't help you much, but would it really hurt to let him have his early morning gaming session once in a while in exchange, perhaps, for him taking all the dc's for a few hours now and again while you get some much needed "me" time?

From all the things you've posted, it sounds like he really does love you very much. However, walking out is not the most mature way of showing it; he does need to learn that he can't use this as a method of control or whatever, it isn't very fair on you.

As for your depression, another MNer once said to me "it's time to start thumping some tables now" and I think that might be the case for you. Thump some tables, kick up a storm, until you get the CBT or new ADs that you need. Could you ask your dp for his support in this; if he goes to the Dr's with you perhaps you will feel more confident in putting your foot down?

And massive, massive {{{{{{hugs}}}}}} to you of course. XXXXX

Diva - glad to see dh back and you can make a start again.

I agree with Mossy on all things, in addition that counselling isn't always the best. I think that for people who are actually quite considerate and thoughtful it may not work. It always made me feel inadequate that I wasn't able to get my act together.

I remember always thinking I should be changing myself, changing the way I do things - I'm jealous because I have low self-esteem for example. And that self-esteem was my responsibility, I should just go ahead and love myself! No mention of the fact that for decades I've been in not very supportive relationships. Those relationships don't count to counsellors because they're not in the room with me those people wouldn't go to counselling with me).

Hope you get the support you deserve.

Best luck

mossy-i was thinking about that.the guild wars are on a saturday,and as its an american server they finish at 6am,so hes never got to hang around to find out who wins(i know you will understand this lol).however,i think i would need something in 'exchange',such as an evening with friends or something.that would be great if i had any

mrsmarvel-yes.my councellors latest offering was 'when you wake up in the morning,think "today will be a good day"'.i pointed out that i'm not capable of thinking anything untill ive had coffee and a bath,and the way my mind works i would think 'today will be a good day'then think up 101 ways in which it could go bad,just to prove myself wrong.

today i have been going over and over the nasty things dp said,even though he told me he only said them to hurt me and didnt mean them,i keep thinking he must have meant them.he has only said nasty things to me about 4 times since we met,every time he was angry.every day he says nice things to me,ie that he loves me,im beautiful etc etc,but the nice things go in one ear out the other as i dont believe him.

Diva - I'm guessing that you are feeling overwhelmed by things. One way to help with that is to write. Write a journal on the pc - password it so you know it's completely private.

That's my handy hint for the day, anyhow.

Regarding counselling - positive thinking is a very good thing but...

i need to scream but i cant do it in RL

i am still so upset by things and it feels like nothing is resolved,but as far as dp is concerned its all sorted now,he's got his feelings off his chest and now we should just get on with things.

i know he said he didnt mean the bad things he said but i keep thinking...what if he did?what if he says things like that again?

and the computer game issue still lies unresolved in the back of my mind.i am trying my best not to think about it,i've been doing quite well at not looking over his shoulder-but its so hard.whether others consider me unreasonable or not,its not just going to go away,im not just going to wake up tomorrow morning thinking 'oh,its ok,i know he wont start developing an online relationship with some other gamer,he will still chat to women in passing but he will never get sucked into a flirting situation.it will all be fine'.i have to work bloody hard to get to the point where it doesnt bother me anymore.i have to change my whole way of thinking.

but he just has to stay the same and do nothing as he hasnt done anything wrong,all the problems are in my head and i am responsible for everything.

i tried to talk to him last night but he got upset cos i spoilt a pleasant evening bringing up horrible things.i felt annoyed with myself that i cant just get on with it,and be happy when things are going well,instead of dragging up the past and making myself miserable.

now today i keep snapping at him,cos i feel shite inside but i know i cant say anything,i just have to try and be ok and not think.

i wish i hadnt fucked it all up in the first place.

You've not fucked up

Most situations are not all or nothing you know. A chat, indeed even a flirt, online does not automatically lead to sex-in-a-motel-with-leather-basque cheating. Similarly7 you being snappy for a day does not mean you will push him into the arms of an imaginary other woman - because these characters are imaginary, you know. You don't either have a perfect day or a ruined day - what about ok days, when some things go wrong, but other things go right?