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Original poster

Have I been out of order?

61 replies

Jamjar2018 · 31/05/2019 07:48

Please tell me if I’ve been out of order here. I’m currently 6 months pregnant. DH had a leaving do at his work yesterday for someone, he was whinging all week about it. Said he didn’t want to go and wasn’t going to drink etc. So yesterday he goes and decides to not only drink but get completely smashed. After 9 hours of drinking he starts using the joint account card (we have our own bank accounts for ‘fun’ money but he obviously ran out). We get notifications when money is spent on it so that’s why I knew he was using it. He spent £40 in 20 minutes.
So by this point I am raging that he said he wasn’t going to drink and then spends a load of money as well (background info, I already lent him £100 to get through till the end of the month as he ran out of money). So I text him to say that he’s being really disrespectful but it descended into a massive argument, he stayed at work and went to sleep after screaming down the phone at me (he was always going to stay at work as he had a work commitment this morning in an office an hour away).
I thought I would wake up to an apology text but instead he’s told me I should divorce him, I’ve made him feel like he’s in the wrong and out of order like I always do and he thinks he would be better off dead.

OP posts:
Mrsmummy90 · 31/05/2019 07:51

You are not out of order. He spent joint money when already in a difficult financial place. I'd be fuming!
His reaction this morning is despicable.

NameChangeNugget · 31/05/2019 07:53

I did this to DH once. Went out with some women straight from work & just got on it.

Hope he apologises

megrichardson · 31/05/2019 07:56

He's playing the old 'sympathy' card. Your response is 'supposed' to be 'yes he did wrong but look how upset the poor thing is, I had better comfort him'
You could call his bluff and agree to a divorce, but only if that is what you want. Otherwise you could make some changes to the way he accesses joint finances.

justilou1 · 31/05/2019 07:58

Nice guilt trip. Tell him to enjoy the hangover, tell him to pay back the hundred quid he owes you AND the money he took from the joint account ASAP, then you can talk.

userabcname · 31/05/2019 08:01

He's got the fear! No wonder after such a long drinking session. Honestly up until the point he started spending your joint money I'd have said let it go as he probably just got into the swing of things once he was there despite not feeling it beforehand. Using the joint account and spending money he doesn't have, however, is unacceptable and I'd be pissed off at that too.

WhoEatsPopTarts · 31/05/2019 08:04

Honestly, I understand why you feel annoyed but I think you overreacted. He went out, wasn’t expecting to enjoy the evening but he did surely that’s ok. Yes, he spent more than he should have but unless he does this frequently then I’d let it go. To my mind marriage works two ways and when you do something stupid (which we all do) you’d hope he’d forgive it.

Miniloso · 31/05/2019 08:07

Well I’d be going to have a pedicure or something nice (from joint account) and ignoring him till he cooled off.

Karigan195 · 31/05/2019 08:08

I wouldn’t have a problem with my DP changing his mind about drinking. I would probably not have a problem with him spending £40 but that would depend on how dire our finances were.

I would however be really really pissed off at being screamed at down the phone and then emotionally manipulated in the morning.

Texting a smashed guy to tell him off however was probably not the best way to deal with it. I personally would have waited for him to come home sober. Drunk people just ARE unreasonable.

MrsGrannyWeatherwax · 31/05/2019 08:12

Honestly, I’d just tell him he’s putting you under pressure with his behaviour (financially) as you need to have a decent chunk of savings for baby. If he wants to behave like a financially irresponsible teenager now before baby then that’s fine up to the point it impacts you negatively. And I do think that the fear of the future (imaging no freedom) can cause anyone to do a bit of a binge session - my husband did it three rimes quite spectacularly during pregnancy.

I’d be waiting for his apology too, especially if you’ve had a difficult pregnancy.

Congratulations and good luck

Original poster
Jamjar2018 · 31/05/2019 08:14

Yeh I agree I shouldn’t have really spoken to to him drunk. I just wanted him to stop spending money he doesn’t have. He never makes it through the month and replies on borrowing money from me or dipping into his overdraft. This is despite being on 10k a year more then me. I guess I’m just more sensible and never spend money I don’t have, we are financially pretty incompatible if I’m honest.

OP posts:
WishICouldThinkOfAGoodName · 31/05/2019 08:19

You are not out of order. His reaction is totally out of order, plus you are six months pregnant so don’t need the stress. When you are both calm you need to have a proper conversation about this. He needs to accept responsibility and drop the melodramatics. Moving forwards agree that joint finances are for bills only and not “fun”. If he runs out of money he has to do what everyone else does and go without. Sorry OP, sounds like a bit of a manchild, been there and got the t shirt, so I feel your annoyance.

Quartz2208 · 31/05/2019 08:23

You are massively out of sync financially and need a long hard chat about how it is going to work with a baby and what you can and can’t spend money ob

Fannybaws52 · 31/05/2019 08:23

He's allowed to go out once in a bit to enjoy himself but he crosses a line when he steals from family funds and abuses you.

What does he actually bring to the relationship? If you can honestly say he makes you feel happy, loved and safe you should forgive and move on but if you know you can't trust him, doubt him and the love is getting harder then consider leaving.

What will life be like when you are on mat leave and there is no money for nappies because he's borrowed your last penny?

AutumnCrow · 31/05/2019 08:25

He thinks he can emotionally blackmail you because you are pregnant. I'm very sorry.

Closetbeanmuncher · 31/05/2019 08:33

Hes on 10k more but blows it and borrows from you each month....um whats he going to do when youre on materrnity leave and there's a baby to pay for?

Theres no way i could be arsed with somebody that financially irresponsible, and his reaction in the morning to being challenged is to twist it and guilt trip you, not reflect like an adult.

Unless he becomes financially responsible overnight long term doesnt look good tbh.

Horsemenoftheaclopalypse · 31/05/2019 08:39

he thinks he would be better off dead.

Eyeroll.

You need to sit down and have a proper conversation about this.

He sounds terrible with money and the “I’ll kill myself” is classic manipulation

Is he always like this???

Etino · 31/05/2019 08:41

Whether you're incompatible or not I'd tale the heat out of this moment by replying
Grin hungover? and talk later.

Bluntness100 · 31/05/2019 08:47

God playing the martyr to get your sympathy. I couldn't stomach that, I prefer a man with a set of balls and a moral code. Seriously that would be worse for me than spending money he doesn't have.

I really don't know how it doesn't knock you sick his whimpering and woe be me shit.

Tell him to grow the fuck up. Stop playing The martyr and take some personal responsibility or you're out. There can't be much more deeply unattractive than a grown up who can't take personal responsibility and turns into a whimpering child when in trouble

Singlenotsingle · 31/05/2019 08:47

Can you take away his access to the joint account? And stop lending him money. He needs to learn how to manage his money.

Original poster
Jamjar2018 · 31/05/2019 08:48

He says about killing himself when we are in conflict quite a bit. It’s very manipulative, my my reaction is now just whatever as I’ve heard it so many times. Rightly or wrongly so.
Think I’m going to go and work in a cafe for the day (I work from home a couple of days a week) or at least until I get some kind of apology!

OP posts:
hellsbellsmelons · 31/05/2019 08:55

I would probably call his bluff as well.
Tell him if he can't sit down with you and budget properly for the future then yes, divorce is the only option as you won't be able to support him when you have a child as well.

Singlenotsingle · 31/05/2019 09:02

I'd be saying "whatever" as well! What a cock! (As the gogglebox man says!)

ConfCall · 31/05/2019 09:22

I’m sympathetic to not looking forward to a night out but then having a great time once there. I’ve done this often myself. Those nights often turn into the best ones, with the worst hangovers!

However, his behaviour in the morning was unacceptable.

Also, IMO, a serious discussion about your differing attitudes to money is needed before you go on maternity leave.

TurboTeddy · 31/05/2019 09:30

WhoEatsPopTarts I would agree with you but his behaviour after the event is unacceptable. I think we can all relate to being reckless or irresponsible when our decision making has been informed by alcohol but to guilt trip the OP when she expressed her annoyance is very disrespectful. Wouldn't most reasonable people be a little same faced. If he was spending just his own money then that would be a different story.

TurboTeddy · 31/05/2019 09:31

Shame faced, I really hate auto-correct!