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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Have I been out of order?

61 replies

Jamjar2018 · 31/05/2019 07:48

Please tell me if I’ve been out of order here. I’m currently 6 months pregnant. DH had a leaving do at his work yesterday for someone, he was whinging all week about it. Said he didn’t want to go and wasn’t going to drink etc. So yesterday he goes and decides to not only drink but get completely smashed. After 9 hours of drinking he starts using the joint account card (we have our own bank accounts for ‘fun’ money but he obviously ran out). We get notifications when money is spent on it so that’s why I knew he was using it. He spent £40 in 20 minutes.
So by this point I am raging that he said he wasn’t going to drink and then spends a load of money as well (background info, I already lent him £100 to get through till the end of the month as he ran out of money). So I text him to say that he’s being really disrespectful but it descended into a massive argument, he stayed at work and went to sleep after screaming down the phone at me (he was always going to stay at work as he had a work commitment this morning in an office an hour away).
I thought I would wake up to an apology text but instead he’s told me I should divorce him, I’ve made him feel like he’s in the wrong and out of order like I always do and he thinks he would be better off dead.

OP posts:
ohfourfoxache · 31/05/2019 09:36

Bloody hell, what a selfish cuntweasel Shock

Not sure I’d be willing to stay with him, especially with a dc on the way.....

Original poster
Jamjar2018 · 31/05/2019 09:39

Well I just had a phone call from him where he’s screamed at me saying he’s done nothing wrong and I’m a control freak. Looks like we have a long day ahead of this! I would just turn my phone off but I need it for work.

OP posts:
user1486131602 · 31/05/2019 09:43

You are not his mother. He’s a narcissist.
If this is a one off let it ride, but it doesn’t sound like it is!
He sounds like he manipulates the situation to get his own way. And unfortunately, you are enabling him.

Please have a calm conversation setting boundaries out firmly, if his behaviour continues after that, I belive you need to rethink your relationship

TurboTeddy · 31/05/2019 09:45

You could temporarily block his number just so you don't have to put up with the abuse. I do hope he calms down and is able to see your pov.

ChristmasFluff · 31/05/2019 09:46

You can block his number on your phone - check the call filter.

He's abusive and the PP who said he thinks he can abuse you now he has trapped you with pregnancy is spot on.

Divorce him. It will only get worse, and he is a drain on your finances rather than any sort of asset. Yes, you may temporarily be in a worse position (pregnant, alone, having added stress of divorce) - but that is better than being abused and having your child grow up seeing that.

I'll say it again - this is abuse and it will escalate.

Wishing you all the luck in the world. I am so sorry this has happened to you. Flowers

HundredMilesAnHour · 31/05/2019 09:47

Well I just had a phone call from him where he’s screamed at me saying he’s done nothing wrong and I’m a control freak.

Wow, just wow. Is he usually like this or is this a one-off? Do you really want to raise a child with this man?

BrevilleTron · 31/05/2019 09:50

Dump.him.
He has done something wrong. He took money from your joint account and then had a tantrum because he got pulled up on it. Fuck that love. Get him gone!

Ihatehashtags · 31/05/2019 09:53

He’s a manipulative narcissist. Leave him now or you’ll go through years of this bullshit

ControversialFerret · 31/05/2019 10:00

Are you sure you want to carry on a relationship with this bloke? If he's already manipulative, financially incompetent and flaky before the baby is here, what do you think is going to change?

My sister once said to me (I have no DC) that having a baby is like throwing a bomb into the relationship - even the most steady and secure couple will have moments where tempers are frayed due to lack of sleep and the huge change that a baby brings.

hellsbellsmelons · 31/05/2019 10:00

I agree with others.
Just block his number for now to give yourself some space.
If he drank for that long yesterday then he's probably still pissed.
But he has some serious grovelling to do and you both need to sit down and work on finances.

Nayah · 31/05/2019 10:00

I understand all the answers about kick him to the kerb etc. But OP is 6 months pregnant, already got a massive life changing happening soon. It’s the last thing she needs.

I would suggest having words about finances about your own maternity pay and making it very clear how short you will be. He needs a kick up the backside with reality. In the meanwhile I’d lessen the amount you contribute to the joint account by saying you will show for the next few months what’s realistically feasible for you 2 to live off. And lastly his mention of divorce has been uncalled for, so bearing in mind what he’s just said and you going on maternity you’re going to have to ensure you have a cushion of money. If you’re paying for bills directly from your own account I’d look to move them to a joint account at this stage. Just do everything in your power to lay the financial responsibility on him whilst your off and have some rainy day money for yourself.

I did the same, my husband was finally slapped by reality and started doing decorating as a side business which is doing well now. Men can be like stubborn teenagers refusing to accept responsibility, and it seems to happen more when a baby is on the way for some reason 🤷🏻‍♀️

dontgobaconmyheart · 31/05/2019 10:01

Threatening suicide when it suits him to do so or if you challenge him is emotional abuse OP. I couldn't respect a man who was doing that, is or not very stressful for you? Why stay with this man just because you're used to 'it' when 'it' is 'used to being treated like shit'
It sounds like you are incompatible in many ways, not just financially. I would be asking myself what he positively contributed to my life- the money spending issue and you having to fund his immature spending habits just makes you seem like his parent, as he is behaving as though he has not grown up. Tantrums, manipulation if he doesn't get his own way, extra pocket money from you because he has no responsibility, 'shouting' when drunk, disregarding and disrespecting the purpose of a shared bank account.

I wouldn't sit around and wait for an apology because if he were sorry he wouldn't spend your money again every month would he. Having to ask for the apology rather negates it, he would have apologised if he really was and instead he's turned on you, tried to punish you (with tactics he knows work) for daring to criticise him and it seems it will work because you think you can't win because you know he won't just do what you'd like- apologise, show remorse, change. I'd consider reading up on the forms of emotional abuse, and codependency to see if it resonates.

It really isn't for you to cater to his failings, accept them, accept abnormal abuse and then have to wait around for a non existent apology. I bet he'll be nice to you again straight if you go along with his preferred narrative that he is the victim, and you were horrible to him.

MashedSpud · 31/05/2019 10:09

I wouldn’t be putting my money in a joint account with an irresponsible, immature idiot.

He’s stressing you out and you’re carrying his child. He’s a disgrace.

DoctorDread · 31/05/2019 10:14

What an arsehole OP. Hope you get some work done!

Original poster
Jamjar2018 · 31/05/2019 10:15

I have no fears about being on my own, I have a flat I bought in my 20’s which is rented so I know I have that option if/when I need it. I’m really embarrassed to say it but we have only been married 9 months as well.
I’ve had a number of conversations with him about money, me being on maternity and leave and worried. But he thinks I’m controlling him and his spending. Has anyone had any success with couples counselling to help them communicate? It’s something I’ve been thinking about for a while.

OP posts:
XXVaginaAndAUterus · 31/05/2019 10:18

Sod working in a cafe for the day. Spend the day getting and securing copies of all the financial and other important documents in the house, make a free appointment with a solicitor and look into splitting up with the abusive disrespectful arse.

See if you can block just his number for the day, or just don't answer calls from him. Screenshot and save any abusive texts, see if you can save abusive voicemails. If you accidentally answer the phone to him and he swears or shouts, calmly tell him "I'm not going to listen to you verbally abuse me" and hang up. Don't pick up again, and again, if he calls on withheld or a different number and you accidentally answer it Repeat the same line and hang up. Repeat. Repeat.

LTB. You don't want to raise a child with this man.

XXVaginaAndAUterus · 31/05/2019 10:20

Couples counselling doesn't work when one partner is abusive.

By all means get counselling yourself.

Give your tenants notice and don't tell him.

Seriously. This isn't just him hungover and grumpy is it, this is him.

XXVaginaAndAUterus · 31/05/2019 10:27

I understand all the answers about kick him to the kerb etc. But OP is 6 months pregnant, already got a massive life changing happening soon. It’s the last thing she needs.

He's verbally abusive, not just this once but repeatedly. He's at best financially irresponsible but more likely financially abusive. He's emotionally manipulative. She's talked with him about finance and he's reacted badly and repeatedly spent to much again and again. And we know that some men get worse in terms of abuse, a lot worse, once baby arrives.

She needs to leave him. I don't like that mundane is the judge and jury and so quick to call LTB but this is very clear cut to me.

XXVaginaAndAUterus · 31/05/2019 10:27

*mumsnet not mundane

IsolaPribby · 31/05/2019 10:30

What's he like when he's not drunk or hungover? Is he kind, supportive, understanding? What will he be like when baby has been feeding all night and you are beyond tired?

And just what exactly is he spending all his money on?

FuriousVexation · 31/05/2019 11:03

Does he do coke OP? Because that money is going somewhere, and in my personal experience it's either drugs, gambling or sex workers.

gamerchick · 31/05/2019 11:20

Nothing will change while you're enabling him OP, no more bailouts. If he's skint then he's skint.

The suicide threats.. tell him that is totally on him, he can't put it on you. You are not responsible for his mental health.

Personally I would live seperately if able until he sorts himself out. There's no need to split up if you don't want that. You might find you prefer it though.

Blondebakingmumma · 31/05/2019 11:23

So if you divorce he can take half of the flat? This doesn’t sound good OP.
I agree with a pp that threatening suicide is emotional abuse

Blondebakingmumma · 31/05/2019 11:24

Does he know about the flat?

SavingSpaces2019 · 31/05/2019 12:56

Serioulsy - do you actually see a happy, successful future with him?
He's on 10k more than you and yet YOU are bailing him out each month - and he still dips into joint account money.
So i guess you're going to have to replace that money too from your own wage?

Once your dc is here - it's still going to be you buyingt everything for dc and taking on all the mental load because he won't.

I hope you've legally ringfenced your rental property so he can't get his greedy mitts on it in the event of a divorce?
If not, then i'd be making extra sure to get out of this farce asap so he doesn't get any claim on it.

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