Have I been out of order?

[Jamjar2018]

Please tell me if I’ve been out of order here. I’m currently 6 months pregnant. DH had a leaving do at his work yesterday for someone, he was whinging all week about it. Said he didn’t want to go and wasn’t going to drink etc. So yesterday he goes and decides to not only drink but get completely smashed. After 9 hours of drinking he starts using the joint account card (we have our own bank accounts for ‘fun’ money but he obviously ran out). We get notifications when money is spent on it so that’s why I knew he was using it. He spent £40 in 20 minutes.
So by this point I am raging that he said he wasn’t going to drink and then spends a load of money as well (background info, I already lent him £100 to get through till the end of the month as he ran out of money). So I text him to say that he’s being really disrespectful but it descended into a massive argument, he stayed at work and went to sleep after screaming down the phone at me (he was always going to stay at work as he had a work commitment this morning in an office an hour away).
I thought I would wake up to an apology text but instead he’s told me I should divorce him, I’ve made him feel like he’s in the wrong and out of order like I always do and he thinks he would be better off dead.

Thanks for all your replies. It’s food for thought ref manipulation and emotional abuse with his attitude. I’ve never seen it like that before. I just thought he was overly dramatic. But it’s something I need to look into a bit more.
With my flat I’m not worried at the moment, it was bought before he was around and I’ve done some research. He wouldn’t be entitled to anything in such a short marriage, but again definitely something to consider. I just see it as my escape plan at the moment.
If I was advising someone in my position I would say everything that I’ve read. If I wasn’t pregnant it would be much more clean cut as well.
If I did get him to couples counselling and described his behaviours, would a councillor call him out on manipulation? Or are they just going to be a mediator to us having a conversation? As that wouldn’t really be any use.

You made him feel in the wrong, because he fucking well was in the wrong!

"If I did get him to couples counselling and described his behaviours, would a councillor call him out on manipulation? Or are they just going to be a mediator to us having a conversation? As that wouldn’t really be any use".

No to both couples counselling and mediation going forward, neither would be of any use here. He can and has manipulated you and he would certainly manage to manipulate a counsellor. Both these measures are a waste of time when the other person in the relationship is abusive. No decent counsellor would ever want to see the two of you in the same room together because of the abuse he metes out.

Counselling for your own self would be helpful because you need to talk in both a calm and safe environment.

Nothing will indeed change whilst you enable him so for a start no more hand outs.

First of all - how crap that you're having to deal with this while pregnant!

Secondly, I have been to Relate sessions with my previous husband (who also had no financial sense) and the counsellor didn't call him out on his behaviour/manipulation/spending, but did help to structure the conversation in such a way that he had to listen to me. The counsellor also managed to get both of us to say things that we hadn't felt able to raise/discuss before. Ultimately, he was a total wanker and no amount of counselling was going to change the fact that we wanted different things, but the sessions really helped me to see things clearly.

Good luck!

I’ve been through similar (i’ll Spare the details). And all the well wishers did suggest leaving him at that point filing for divorce etc etc. In that situation it drove me mad. OP might be more resilient.

Rather than dealing with solicitors etc (even reading up and trying to work out what’s what) at that point I put everything on pause and going through the break up emotions. I wrapped up at work for maternity leave and went to my parents who lived 3 hrs away (our house was joint unlike the OPs) had the baby there upon advice by midwives and drs to reduce the likelihood of early labour due to stress. I did take steps to put financial responsibility on him whilst I was taking time out to have the baby.

All I’m trying to say really is...is it really feasible to go through the whole legal separation and divorce aspect at such a point in the pregnancy. Unless you are 100% sure that is the step that you want to take.

After the baby and the first 3 months I was able to think more clearly and dare I say independently. I was more prepared for the manipulation and emotional abuse that does follow especially when he was given notice of the legal separation.

Op threatening suicide is the height of manipulation. I would end it immediately with anyone who did that.

I don't think counselling will work for him. It might be good for you to have it on your own.

I really think you'll find when the baby comes that being screamed at will become a lot harder to wear, and you'll be paying for most of the babies things.

If you feel up to the legal stuff then do it, but I agree with pp it might just stress you out. My ex was a twat and the relationship ended when I was pregnant. I had to really just focus on the baby and tune him out, the stress was too much.

He bought cocaine I reckon -£40 a gram.

I have just done some reading on emotional manipulation and I’m really shocked. I honestly never realised that all these comments are emotional abuse. He’s always been really dramatic during arguments, saying he wanted to drive his car into a wall, or that I was making him want to hurt himself. But I honestly thought it was just dramatics. This has been going on our whole relationship (4 years). I’m gutted I didn’t look into this earlier on, it seems like something that can’t be rectified and I should have walked away a long time ago.

You sound very much together, capable and on your feet. He sounds like he's really hard work and making what should be a lovely couple time (first year of marriage and first pregnancy) into a bit of a stressful nightmare. The fact that you've got an escape plan in your head says a lot.

He should be apologising and making up at this point, not attacking you. Ignore his suicude threats and tantrums when they come, tell him he needs to get help for his suicidal threats. You could suggest counselling, at least you've tried. I think I'd be suggesting putting a hold on the joint account too. If he hasn't got enough in his own account he can't go out and spend a fortune...

You poor thing-he sounds like bloody hard work.