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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Husband left after 12 years

28 replies

Becky2190 · 30/05/2019 21:40

Hi everyone I have joined for some advice , my husband today has told me he still loves me but feels there is somthing missing in our relationship. I no he is depressed and he has admitted he needs help. I am devastated hes never been much of a talker and ita like hes numb he doesnt no what he wants I have to young children 5 and 7.

OP posts:
YummymummyH4 · 30/05/2019 21:49

Hi
So sorry to hear this. Could you sit down to talk & suggest couples counseling?

Missbee90 · 30/05/2019 22:56

Sending you love.
I was you 11 months ago.. 11 years together, 1 year married and he just came home one day and decided he didn’t love me anymore and that was that.. I thought the world had fallen out my arse and honestly NEVER thought I’d smile again.

If there’s one thing I can promise you, it gets better. My good days now hugely outweigh my bad. I don’t think I’ll ever get what he did to me, but I no longer pine for him or the relationship. It took lots of time with friends, family, some counselling sessions and me time ... all of which I’d recommend.
I’m so sorry you’re going through this, my advice would be to focus on you and your children and take each day as it comes for the time being x

sincethereis · 30/05/2019 22:56
Flowers
redastherose · 31/05/2019 00:06

Sorry to hear what you're going through. If he'll go suggest couples counselling but don't be surprised if he refuses and this is just part of the script. It usually goes, I'm depressed, need time for myself, I love you but not in love with you, want to have a trial separation, moves out then some time down the line there's somebody else and it all comes out of the woodwork.

growmywings · 31/05/2019 00:13

Sorry to hear you are going through this.

Also sorry to say that this could well be him following the script and an OW will appear.
Get things in order- the practical side, keep yourself busy and focus on other things. It does get easier Thanks

MrsChanningTatum · 31/05/2019 00:32

Oh gosh, you poor thing. You could ask him to leave, it would give you space and time to process this news, without you having to look after him at the same time.

Please tell friends and family as they can support you then.

Look for evidence of an OW just in case he’s had his head turned.

You will be in shock, get him to leave for a while. Drink plenty of fluids, eat little and often. Maybe see your GP and get signed off sick? 💐💐💐

Original poster
Becky2190 · 01/06/2019 21:09

Thankyou everyone he insists there is no OW I'm inclined to believe him but could be wrong this is also the 3rd time he has left me in the space of 10 months and always comes back to me saying hes made a mistake, he says he scared of living his life and it not being the right thing to do.
I am devastated all I have done is cry today and think why why why !!

OP posts:
Notthetoothfairy · 02/06/2019 15:08

Sorry to hear that. If he has left you 3 times in 10 months, things really aren’t great and you need to seriously think about whether it is worth staying with someone who would treat you like that x

DuchessOfBallybrack · 02/06/2019 15:17

Well, offer him his freedom but make sure you get yours too.

He's not sure if he wants to be a father!? Well, if I've understood correctly, HE IS A Father. So make sure that the solution to his depression is not freedom at your expense.

I'd call it a day with this, you will get through it. MAKE sure that he doesn't leave you with all of the responsibility though, financial and practical, even if, in a roundabout way, he is hinting that more freedom and fewer responsibilities would resolve his vague depression.

Original poster
Becky2190 · 03/06/2019 20:32

He has now got himself in a flat . I'm hoping he realised what he had and wants to come back. Does that make me weak that I want to wait for him

OP posts:
Thatsalovelycuppatea · 03/06/2019 22:52

So sorry to hear this. Don't let him back this time. How can you build trust when he keeps leaving?

Windmillwhirl · 04/06/2019 02:34

You shouldn't have to fight this much to have someone in your life. Change is scary and that could be keeping him coming back.

As sad as this is, I'd want him gone. How are you meant to ever relax with his next walk-out hanging over you?

Has he suggested counselling? Or changing anything? Or was he just hoping to one day wake up and miraculously feel different having done nothing.?

FuriousVexation · 04/06/2019 11:20

He left on Thursday and had found a flat by Monday? 🤔

Sorry OP but he's been planning this for a while. Unless you take literally the first shithole you view, it takes weeks to get a flat. It will take the agents a good 3-4 working days just to get references and credit check. And he won't qualify for HA as he's basically made himself homeless.

Right now, you are his "soft option". He knows that if things get too scary out in the big bad world, he can run home to mummy you.

Stop being that option. You should not be an "option" to anyone, let alone some fucker who has left you 3 times in the last year.

You deserve better than this!

spritesobright · 04/06/2019 11:32

I'm so sorry, OP. This was me 18 months ago. It doesn't make any sense at all because IT'S NOT RATIONAL. This is what I struggled to get my head around for so long and I kept trying to fix myself, and then fix him.
Eventually I realised I would lose myself entirely if I kept trying to 'save' him.
It has to be about you now, not him. Depressed people can be incredibly selfish and if you're an empath like me you just keep giving and they keep taking. Stop now.

What do you need out of a relationship? You are trying to explain his behaviour by saying he's depressed but he then he needs to DO something about it.

Eighteen months down the line for me, there was indeed an OW and we are getting divorced (my call).

He is still depressed and grumpy but has no idea why, despite a year of therapy.

It's devastating but remember that you are mourning for the person he used to be.

Original poster
Becky2190 · 04/06/2019 19:15

You all are speaking the truth but I feel I want to save him and that he will come back to me and be the man I was happy with 2 weeks ago my children are struggling too

OP posts:
spritesobright · 04/06/2019 19:57

That's totally understandable. Of course you do. It's a shock and it needs to sink in.
Take some time, talk to your friends and family.
Everyone was telling me to file for divorce straight away but I needed time to think.
In the meantime, make sure your assets are protected and speak to a solicitor.
He has proven himself unreliable so don't get taken advantage of.

PositiveVibez · 04/06/2019 20:19

This is not only unfair on you, but it is totally unfair on the kids.

I would be angry on their behalf and use that anger to not let him come and go when he feels like. Dipping in and out of your lives when he feels like he can handle it.

As long as you allow him to do this, it will go on and on.

And yes agree with PP. He managed to get a flat pretty damn quick.

What he is doing is selfish and heartless and regardless of treating you like this, how can he do it to his children.

Depression is a very selfish illness. I would tell him not to come back til he seen his GP and sorted out his meds.

Original poster
Becky2190 · 06/06/2019 16:58

I'm feeling like I cant go on with out him today I miss him so much and Want him to come home. But I dont think there is ever a chance now he has a flat of his own ! I'm trying the no contact thing . Maybe he will realise what hes lost?

OP posts:
ScreamingLadySutch · 06/06/2019 17:16

You will find OW soon.

Sorry. It might be worth getting a friend walk by.

As has been pointed out, this has been planned.

MendandMakeDo2 · 07/06/2019 10:12

You will go on without him, Becky and in the process you will discover a newfound love and respect for yourself.
You need to focus on you now. What were you like before him, what did you like to do? Also, is there anything you've wanted to do but being with him held you back from doing it?
It might be too early for all that now. You're in shock. Just take care of yourself, try to get some sleep (see your GP if you need to), lean on your friends and TALK ABOUT IT.

Talking was the number one thing that helped me get over my ex. On mumsnet, to my family, my friends and my therapist.

You might be surprised how happy you can be without having to fight for someone's love.

Original poster
Becky2190 · 07/06/2019 10:39

Don u all think if I leave him tossing ee what he lost he will Wang to come back ..m I no unsound desperate

OP posts:
Original poster
Becky2190 · 07/06/2019 10:40

To see *

OP posts:
Singlenotsingle · 07/06/2019 10:50

I think you need to show him you can manage quite well without him. It's no good moping and crying - that's very unattractive, and will just make him feel stronger. Take the kids out, give them some news to tell him when they see him. Show him what he's missing. How dare he!?

hellsbellsmelons · 07/06/2019 11:02

No I don't.
Sorry OP.
But leaving 3 times in 10 months....
There's an OW in the background somewhere.
Been going on around a year I'd say.
Of course your DC are struggling. They don't know if they are coming or going.
Do NOT allow him back again.
He's messing with your head and that of your poor DC and it's not fair on them.
No contact unless it's about access to the DC.

Get all the love and support around you that you can.
Get any paperwork together you may need and all info you get your hands on.
His wage
Savings
ISA's
Assets
Bank accounts
Pension info
Marriage cert.
Passports

Then get an appointment with a solicitor and see where you stand.
You need to appear strong right now.
Being a snotty wreck will not work. Do this in private and away from him and the DC. I used to cry for hours just on my own. For days, weeks, months!!! It's not going to be easy. It will take time. Be kind to yourself. But show him you can do this without him.

RL support is sooooo important right now.
Reach out.

Original poster
Becky2190 · 07/06/2019 11:21

In all cases do you think theres always another woman I really dont believe it

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