Normal to have doubts?

[MiCFAN]

Anyone been in this situation that can help?
Started seeing someone recently, at the start seemed amazing and now 4m down the line, I have niggles.
He's very full on
Sends me quotes and declares undying love
I only see him weekends because of our work and we said later down the line we can see each other more
Not sure I miss him as much as I used to?
He texts stuff like miss you can't wait to hold you
I just have this sick feeling like it's not meant to be
I can't put my finger on it
He's not done anything in particular apart from constant texts and declarations of love that I'm trying to see if is a red flag
My ex wasnt very nice and was an on off relationship for 4yrs that I don't even feel over him
I thought by seeing someone the time was right
I feel on paper we work but I can't shake off this feeling
He annoys me by saying
He will always be there for me
No one can guarantee that and the ones who have always leave in the end?
I just don't know what to do
I feel like my heart isn't in it
I feel awful and my friends have said see how things go it's early days but I also don't want to pro long anything
I just feel so confused
I've got myself a bit upset and I have this pain of anxiety
Can anyone help? Thanks for reading x

Sorry I typed it out and it disappeared!

In shaking I'm so angry

So we spoke tonight
He said I had been ' off ' all day and this week ?
I think where I was speaking to you guys today it's been on my mind so I tried talking to him rather than at my flat the weekend
I'm so glad I did !
He said ' I'm a 37 year old women ' when I said something about wanting to spend tomorrow by myself so he hasn't respected my boundaries at all
He said he has been nothing but there for me, said I was using him as a stop gap?! He hung up ?! I called him back he kept clearing the line ! He was texting me war and peace saying how he's been nothing but respectful to me, maybe I'm seeing someone else ?! Honestly the stuff he said it was like someone else talking
I obviously wound him up saying how his true colours are out and this is exactly why I didn't wanna trust someone and open up when he knows I've been hurt in the past
I've just texted one message to his 5 or so saying to leave me alone

Heave a sigh of relief and block and delete.
You showed him your boundaries and he didn't like it and started accusing you of all sorts. Classic.
Onwards. Upwards

He was so horrible ! I can't believe I've been such a fool. Even some posters on here were like wtf?!
TRUST MY GUT !!!!!!!!!!
I know it's only 4months of my life wasted so least that's something

How was it wasted? Presumably you had some enjoyable times with him, what’s the harm? At least you know now you were right, so you can move on.

It's not wasted.
Look back at the thread.
I think you've learned a lot!
He will try the grovelling next.
Definitely get yourself some counselling.
Do some more work on you.
You'll get there.
It all just takes time.

It wasn't wasted. think if it as experience and further training in how to spot the abusive ones. I don't regret the year I had with my ex. We had some great times and he had a campervan so we had 3 lovely trips away that I wouldn't otherwise have had. I visited new places, had fun and he taught me how abuse can be very subtle. He helped me install some sky high boundaries as I realised the boundaries I had weren't very good at all. My friend thought I was mad to dump him as he seemed so lovely and had the campervan so thought I should put up with anything that made me unhappy because I got to go away! She also didn't understand that what he was doing was abusive. He wasn't "that bad" so I should stick with him! Er, no.

Well done for seeing his true self.

Gosh his response tells you what you need to know.

I met dh 6 weeks after a horrid breakup. Despite an obvious connection I had to take it slow and there were times I withdrew because I was terrified of rebound. He was amazing about it. It was how chill and understanding he was that means we've now been together 20 years almost. If he'd reacted like your guy it would have killed it dead. It's like a grown adult chasing a cat.

Thank you
He's already texted saying he is sorry, going make it up to me, etc
What an absolute tool
After yesterday also saying I won't do any better than him, i was seeing someone already then it would be a downgrade 🙄

aw what a shame....had my fingers crossed for you! at least you saw his true colours before it all got too deep and you can draw a line under it and move on! dating is not easy now days so I hope you do find a nice guy amongst the dodgy ones. your confidence and strength is still intact so you havnt lost anything in the last 4 months but have gained yourself some more knowledge about what doesn't feel right,it is normal to have doubts but this time your doubts we're confirmed! good luck for the future

Block him ffs and delete his number. He will just carry on being abusive if you don't. He'll vacillate between grovelling and being nasty and blaming it all on you. Blocking him doesn't give him the satisfaction of knowing you're getting his messages and that he's getting to you.

Why do men come out with that line?
Have they met all the other men in the world?
Seems it's time for the final text and then block, ignore, delete.

Yes I will
I turned off I message so he can't see I've read them
Oh I know right? He wasn't the best I've had and I doubt he is the best out there ! He was just 'better' than my ex...doesn't mean that he's good enough
This post literally saved me from anymore crap, I'm sure I was spurred on (in a supportive way ) to bring up what I did last night and I'm glad I did x

Block. Don't turn off iMessages. Just turn off the "read" bit. But seriously, block him, otherwise he'll still be getting to you. It can seem like an ego boost to keep getting messages and sometimes people enjoy the drama but blocking is the only way to go.

Careful though.
My one turned up at my door a couple of times.
A quick chat and swiftly sent on his way.
He did get the message eventually.
But they don't give up easily.
Be prepared to stand your ground.
This is the fun bit - NOT!!!!!

Maybe you haven't been with him long enough to know if it's right or not (4 months is not long if you don't live together). If you feel you don't want to chuck the r'ship away then ask him to tone it down a bit and tell him that you want to move more slowly to make sure you are really right for one another. But if you really don't want him, then tell him now so he can move on. You will forget your nasty ex in time--just keep reminding yourself he is irrelevant to your life now and is in the past.

Wow, glad you found out early on. Remember you had enough knowledge to post your concerns, you articulated your feelings , you listened to feedback , you took action and your gut instinct was right. Be proud that you are developing those skills. They are life skills and essential if you are tender hearted and an independent woman. Toxic men will be drawn to you NOT because you are unworthy but because you are SO worthy. They want what you have. The "tell me what I can do" is also a big clue, they are asking how they can please you but once hooked that will change. An authentic person will just be who they are.

"No" is explosive to toxic people so the advice is to say it often! It weeds out the abusive people.

What I read from your update were how drained this relationship was making you feel. Hold onto to that as it has always been my internal warning sign, that I ignored to my cost.

@SheeshazAZ09 read the thread, she's already ended it.

Oops sorry OP, I hadn't read the most recent posts when I posted my message about giving it some time. Congrats for spotting an arsehole 'in your gut'! You are well rid.

No worries! Yeah after last night I've called it a day
I was worried about him coming over but sadly I've had experience in ending it with someone who didn't accept it and it does get better and they eventually get it but hopefully he won't resort to that
Who knows
That's my fear with blocking
He knows I had problems with my ex too so he will be silly if he does do that

Next time trust your gut. If a man gives you anxiety then he's not the one for you.

MiCFAN I want to send you a massive congratulations. Your instincts are working well. That seed of doubt you had was based on you understanding somethinh wasn't quite right. Hence this thread and you escaping before wasting years of your life with this man.

for your brilliant instincts. Hopefully you'll be even more confident to trust in them in the future.

Have a lovely weekend, pottering about doing what you want.