Normal to have doubts?

[MiCFAN]

Anyone been in this situation that can help?
Started seeing someone recently, at the start seemed amazing and now 4m down the line, I have niggles.
He's very full on
Sends me quotes and declares undying love
I only see him weekends because of our work and we said later down the line we can see each other more
Not sure I miss him as much as I used to?
He texts stuff like miss you can't wait to hold you
I just have this sick feeling like it's not meant to be
I can't put my finger on it
He's not done anything in particular apart from constant texts and declarations of love that I'm trying to see if is a red flag
My ex wasnt very nice and was an on off relationship for 4yrs that I don't even feel over him
I thought by seeing someone the time was right
I feel on paper we work but I can't shake off this feeling
He annoys me by saying
He will always be there for me
No one can guarantee that and the ones who have always leave in the end?
I just don't know what to do
I feel like my heart isn't in it
I feel awful and my friends have said see how things go it's early days but I also don't want to pro long anything
I just feel so confused
I've got myself a bit upset and I have this pain of anxiety
Can anyone help? Thanks for reading x

I don't understand why you can't lie in when he gets up at 5AM, can't you stay in bed and he relaxes in living room. But yes, too much too soon, talking for 3 hours on the phone? fuck it, chat for 5 minutes then say you need the loo, bye.

Because he wakes me up, alarm, snooze, shower, hear him
Go then I'm awake

This guy is swamping you. He's utterly dominating your time. It's not normal.

Being this full on, is a red flag for controlling behaviour. Not saying her definitely is controlling, but maybe.

Controlling people don't like people saying no to them. It's good to say no to a man to find out how they react. Do they accept it, or try to change your mind? What tactics to they use to change your mind?

If you're not sure about whether you want to end it or stay, then try this.

Tell him you need a day to yourself, this weekend or next. That you just need a bit of time alone to unwind. See what he says. If he doesn't accept this, then he's demonstrating he doesn't really value your feelings or respect your decisions. Pay attention to how he tries to talk you round, what are his tactics?

@resisterpersister thank you for your advice
Funnily enough he has just asked what I'm doing tomorrow night! Saturday day is he coming over as planned so I've told him I'm having a night to myself, listed all the girlie things I am doing so let's see what he says
Then I plan to see him Saturday and see how it goes then try talk to him as I do want to give it a chance as I do like him
I honestly feel like if he gave me some time it would make me feel different
No one has ever swamped me like this before and I'm trying to work out of its love bombing or not as he hasn't done anything to suggest anything else other than full on
That may be him
But at the beginning I did like it as my ex wasn't like it
But I can't have this feeling anymore
I feel my heads about to explode but like I say it's not all his fault
I'm upset about my ex and my past and that's my fault not his

Being 'full on' is always unhealthy and can be in indicator of a potential abuser - he doesn't even properly know you yet - just who/what is he in love with??? Your gut is speaking for a reason.

I'll tell you how this will likely go.

He'll be OTT like this until he breaks down your walls. He knows he will, because he knows how to love-bomb (this is what he is doing), and how to fast-forward. And he knows that because you have been abused in the past, you are vulnerable to abuse.

Once he's broken down your walls, then the hot and cold will start. To get you into line.

And then the abuse.

It's 4 months. If you were appropriately invested, it would be no big deal to walk away. The fact that it is, means that these 'walls' of yours, whatever they are, aren't boundaries.

After abuse, it is really important to be boundaried before entering a new relationship.

Here's a couple of articles that might help:
www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/dont-disregard-early-warning-signs-or-your-gut-instincts-as-negative-or-judgmental-this-information-is-useful/
blog.melanietoniaevans.com/my-personal-dating-plan-for-weeding-out-narcissists/

Take care, OP x

He is too full on and it's making you uncomfortable. It would me too.

Please listen to your gut. It's often the only thing you can trust when you've been in an abusive relationship. I couldn't put my finger on things with my ex but my gut was right as he turned out to be controlling too. Some just hide it better or disguise it better. On paper he was fantastic. Not perfect, but really great. This guy is already making you feel icky. Sleep on it but please listen to your gut. It's got your back.

Thank you I shall have a read
He's texted me a lot today and I've not replied as quick
I'll see how he is with the not coming over tomorrow
If he's not ok with it or says anything negative then I will just leave it and cancel the weekend
I don't want to think he is an abuser or anything horrible until I know for sure if that makes sense ? I certainly know how to sense one and hopefully my sense are wrong at he's just really full on
So my question is if he seems ok with that and after the chat he seems to respect and understand I mean IF he does then is it too late for me to say cool things down ? Is this not just him ?
I'm uncomfortable with him saying I'm his dream girl, never felt this before, I'm his soul mate etc
How do I say stop
Isn't this just him ? I wish I said sooner we he probably has no idea I feel so suffocated!
I'd be a bit mortified if he said I was too full on ???

I think he's just a soppy guy and besotted with you but is just showing it too much too soon! might be his way of reassurance to message saying how much you mean to him etc so he hears the same back? my hubby is a soppy guy too and still messages me how much he loves me etc...numerous times a day and we've been married 10years....sometimes I take it for granted but then you hear of all the woman who never get told or shown their loved and makes me realise which I'd prefer! when your next together tell him how your not used to all the compliments and soppy messages and it's a bit too much sometimes,maybe ask to limit the texts and calls to a certain amount as you can't be on your phone all day. also if he messages don't feel like you need to reply straight away or all the time...just do what works for you and be honest. But I wouldn't dismiss him just because hes too keen...he might be a diamond of a guy and there's not many of them anymore!

@lovebeingmum9 yep that was my initial thought then all this doubt took over
Some people telling me to put him out his misery and others advice like yours of course I am going to feel confused
That's a very good idea, I'm going to do that
I think I've worked myself up and feel anxious because I worry about hurting his feelings but you're right I should do what is right for me
Which is to text a bit less
It's only as the months gone on I feel so overwhelmed
X

ChristmasFluff is spot on. My ex for example said sex with me was the best sex ever. A huge compliment and very flattering to start with. However, the sex wasn't that great for me but if I brought up whatever was upsetting me he quickly shut me down by saying it was amazing and dismissed my concerns. Basically they love bomb you in whatever way they choose, then if you start to question they dismiss and minimise, then you start to doubt yourself, he will further dismiss your concerns whilst continuing to push at your boundaries. You'll be convinced it's you that's the problem (as you are wondering here) and he will abuse that doubt and vulnerability and get you right where he wants you.

Unfortunately I've been with a few abusive men. None of them were abusive in the same way as in their MO was different but the result was the same. I thought after my exH that I'd recognise abuse. I've been wrong 4 times since then. I'm now much wiser to things and quicker to spot it but I still want to believe the good in people and give them a chance but no, the gut knows. Listen to the gut.

That's the thing advice is always so mixed and you probably agree with both sides to a degree and that's probably even more confusing! lol just see it for what it is,an early relationship where your getting to know each other more... there are things you like and there are things you dislike,it's still early days so see if the good out ways the bad? enjoy your time together and get to know each other more but don't take things too seriously or let yourself feel anymore anxious or overwhelmed just see where it goes,could be the start of something or an eye opener as to what you don't want in a relationship either way there should be no pressure

Thanks guys
@lovebeingmum9 yeah that's a great bit of advice
I am a natural worrier so I need to learn to chill and relax
I used to always put my ex first and I got myself into a low awful place
I now feel so much stronger and don't want to ruin any of the work I've done on myself building myself up
I guess time will tell
Whatever happens he definitely needs to tone it down and be happy with it
Weather he will or not is really up to him isn't it
I will try and roll with it and see how this weekend goes 😬

MiCFAN you should be very proud of yourself coming out of a bad relationship and building yourself back up and being even stronger! hats off to you.....just dont let whats previously happened in the past to dictate things in future, after having 1 bad guy might make them all look bad and you cant go on comparing all men to your ex....just have fun and see what happens.....nothing is set in stone! good luck x

*Overwhelmed
Suffocated
Uncomfortable
Anxious
Swamped
Stressed
Smothered
*
These are the words you've used in your posts to describe how he makes you feel.

Why on earth would you keep seeing someone who makes you feel like any one of those things after only 4 months?!

Don't "see how it goes" ffs. He's shown you who he is. He's stopping you from doing what you want to do by keeping you on the phone for 3-4 hour a night and waking you up and preventing you from sleeping. That is controlling disguised as loving hearing your voice because he's missing you. I bet if you didn't answer the phone he'd plague you with texts then get annoyed if you didn't reply. Things won't get better than this. This is who he is.

But he hasn't prevented me at all
Every time I've said stuff like not stay as he has to be up he's accepted it
Although intense he hasn't actually got annoyed with anytime I've said let's take things slow
I haven't given him that benefit of the doubt yet have I
Yes I suppose seeing that list does make me question why I'm continuing things
But I guess it's just little niggles and he doesn't make me feel like that all the time ?

We are giving you the benefit of our knowledge and experience. We can't make you take it but please think about what many of us have said.

This is the testing you phase to see how much you'll put up with. He's testing your boundaries and making sure you put him first. You're defending his actions already. It's so easy to see from the outside but this is classic abusive man behaviour.

Good luck OP.

It seems like you're trying really hard to convince yourself that this is the right relationship for you. I'm not sure why?

I'm really not, I absolutely 100% appreciate all your advice
I really do x

If you knew me you would know I am a bit of a soft person and a good person at heart. I just feel I'm throwing away something good ?
I feel l need counselling from my past as I haven't and can't seem to move on
The advice you have all given has sunk in I promise

If you're feeling like it isn't meant to be then I would end it.

Every time I've said stuff like not stay as he has to be up he's accepted it

And yet he’s talking about buying a house?!

I just have this sick feeling like it's not meant to be.

This is the only thing that's important, OP. The only thing. (And everything else you've written about him reinforces this.)

GUYS I HAVE AN UPDATE!!!?!!?

Ok.....?