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Original poster

Caught H cheating he thinks I should forgive him?

77 replies

Tomaytoes · 29/05/2019 18:24

I need help to gain some clarity. A few months ago I found out my H had visited an STI clinic. Seeing this made my blood run cold. He has a fair few faults as do we all but I never thought he'd be a cheater. I tried to sit on this knowledge then I could gather more evidence but I lasted about 20 minutes! When I confronted him, he did the usual cowardly thing and denied it. I said in the 15 years we have been together have I ever accused you of cheating, so as I am now it means I know you have.

He then said he had gone out on a night out with a friend and went to a massage parlour, but he didn't go in. After me telling him for a long time that I didn't believe him and you wouldn't need to get swabs done just for passing by said place, he finally admitted he went in but the girl told him to go home as he was too drunk. I think he tried to have sex with her. I am not naive. He insists he can't remember if they had sex or not, but he went to get checked out just in case. He had swabs taken, HIV and Hep B / C tests. He said he got checked out for me and didn't tell me as he thought we could get back on track.

I am obviously heartbroken for our family (2DC's) and as far as I am concerned our relationship is over. I have told him that I'd like to try to live together for a while until our eldest is settled in high school, then I want him to leave. He keeps saying I should forgive him as its just one mistake.

I obviously think its a huge mistake to make and not one that I can forgive. The cheating is one thing but then there is the deception and I can't get over the fact he thinks its acceptable to pay a vulnerable woman for sex (he has done it before in Amsterdam and I honestly think there have been other times too now I look back).

He keeps telling me I am breaking the family up and his mates all think I should forgive this 'mistake'. I guess I need to hear I am not blowing this up out of proportion and that he is in fact a dick?

OP posts:
Missbee90 · 29/05/2019 18:27

He’s a dick, so are his “mates”.

HollowTalk · 29/05/2019 18:27

I'm really sorry, but there is no way a guy would go and get an STI check unless he really thought he was at risk of catching something. Has he actually noticed any symptoms? Did he get the all clear?

Sexnotgender · 29/05/2019 18:28

I’m so sorry you’re dealing with this, it’d be a dealbreaker for me too.

You’re not breaking up anything, he did that all by himself. Don’t let him shift any of the blame for breaking up the family onto you!

Of course his mates think you should forgive himHmm

Ravingstarfish · 29/05/2019 18:28

I would tell him that his actions are splitting the family up, not yours.

CursedDiamond · 29/05/2019 18:29

It's not up to him to decide. You get to decide whether this is something you can forgive, and he has to give you the space to do it.

Yes, we can all fuck up and do things we regret...but when you are the fuck up, you don't get to control the story after you've been found out and the trust is broken.

And I'm saying this as someone who has cheated, and who feels really shit about it. You have to accept you're not a great person, and you can't make the other person forget or forgive.

ReganSomerset · 29/05/2019 18:31

It's not up to him and his mates though. His mates will obviously try to make him feel better about it (and have probably done similar themselves). Tell him he already broke the family up, you just respect. yourself too much to put up with it. Explain that the trust you had in him is now gone after the initial betrayal and further lies and even if you wanted to, you couldn't force yourself to no longer care about that. Tell him you may eventually be able to forgive, but you'll never be able to forget.

Or just tell him to jog on.

Mad6kids · 29/05/2019 18:31

Hes a huge dick . He will do it again and again if you forgive him . Go and be happy and leave him to crawl under his stone.

And how dare he say YOU are breaking the family up !!!!! Really ??........

wonderinwhy · 29/05/2019 18:32

I couldn’t forgive this. End of the road for me. How many other times has he done this!!the trust has gone plus potentially putting your health at risk!!

MonkeyToesOfDoom · 29/05/2019 18:33

He keeps telling me I am breaking the family up

It's not you thats breaking it up, it's him... Don't let him pass the blame to you, it's all on him.

churchthecat · 29/05/2019 18:34

A "mistake" is burning your toast or dinging your wing mirror.

It's an active choice to put your dick in a prostitute.

Fuck that, it'd be over for me OP, no second chance. Disgusting bastard. I'd file for divorce immediately.

TopBitchoftheWitches · 29/05/2019 18:35

He has cheated on you, I doubt this is the first time, sorry to say Flowers
You are not the one breaking up the family, his actions have done this. He is trying to put blame on you so he looks less guilty.

He is a cheating dick and so are his 'friends'.

I'm sorry you are going through this. He please speak to those close to you.

He will do this again Sadb

WishICouldThinkOfAGoodName · 29/05/2019 18:35

He is minimising. Don’t listen to his bullshit, he’s lying to you. Of course he slept with her otherwise why would he get checked. I also doubt it is “one” mistake. You are not breaking up the family, he’s done that all by himself. You are worth so much more and yes he is a total dick.

Wolfiefan · 29/05/2019 18:35

Wow. He’s an arse. Not only did he cheat he then said he needed a test because he walked past the place. Then because he went inside but got sent packing. You can’t trust a word he says. And his mates are twats too. Yuck.

Bodear · 29/05/2019 18:36

He has no respect for you. He cheated (he knows he did or he wouldn’t have got the sti test). Also, “massage parlours” are generally fastidious about using condoms so his story really doesn’t add up. I think he knows he had sex without a condom.
Leave him. Your kids will cope better with a happy home and shared custody than the stress and upset of you trying to live together. They’re old enough to notice if you’re talking about high school.

TheStuffedPenguin · 29/05/2019 18:41

He has a fair few faults as do we all but I never thought he'd be a cheater

but you knew he was as you go on to say he did it in Amsterdam. You accepted it before .

1moremum · 29/05/2019 18:45

forgiveness is entirely up to you.

An actual confession up front I could work with regarding potential forgiveness and marriage saving.

but the error multiplied by the lying and trying to avoid you finding out would remove the possibility. the sharing all the details with his mates and bringing you their opinion as if that matters removes the possibility even more.

AliasGrape · 29/05/2019 18:45

Yeah, that’s not how forgiveness works though is it? It’s for the person who has been hurt and betrayed to decide whether they feel they might be able to forgive, what they need in order for that to happen, and whether they want to bother trying.

It doesn’t matter what your husband thinks you should do, the decision is yours. However the fact he’s minimising this (skanky, disgusting and definitely cheating) behaviour and feels he’s automatically entitled to your forgiveness means he doesn’t really think he did anything that wrong and will no doubt do it again.

bringbacksideburns · 29/05/2019 18:46

Just get him out.
I couldn't wait until your eldest settles at school. It's like a sticking plaster. Best to rip it off now and try to look forward.

Your kids may be a bit upset at first but they will be fine in the end and you will just be delaying the inevitable which may end up making it worse.

I couldn't live a lie under the same roof. I'd want him out asap.
I'm sorry OP.

ComeAndDance · 29/05/2019 18:46

It doesn’t matter what he thinks is ok or what his mates think is ok to do. What matters is what YOU think is ok.
And YOU think he has crossed your boundaries, that what he did is unacceptable. Don’t be pressured into accepting the unacceptable.

This is a deal breaker for you. It just is and it’s ok. Your H is the one who has broken the family by behaving the way he did. By cheating on you. There is nothing else to say. You’re not blowing things out of proportions. You are just holding your own boundaries.

smallereveryday · 29/05/2019 18:46

Personally no, I wouldn't separate for this.
The people most affected are the children. Endless weekends with dad. Life turned upside down. Divorce , financial issues, children issues etc etc.
IF you think this was a one off.
However if this is something that ever happens again kick him out and file for divorce without a second thought.
MN is very quick to shout LTB . NO this is NOT your problem. YOU haven't caused this. HE has a lot of work to do and needs to do a lot of beginning for forgiveness. However life as a single parent., all the drudge, all the clubs, sports, looking after, childhood illnesses on your own , is the reality. OR losing your children for half the week. Is that your preference ? For one stupid mistake. The person paying the price is you .

That said - it depends on the type of person you are. If you do everything yourself already and are up for the challenge AND can't forgive, then kick his arse to the kerb. Just think about the implications on real life for you and your children first.

TheFaerieQueene · 29/05/2019 18:48

How would he react if you had done what he has? I bet good money he wouldn’t forgive.
I would ship him out now. It isn’t going to be much fun for the DC otherwise.

Fedoratheexploreer · 29/05/2019 18:48

I’m sorry OP. It’d be a deal breaker for me and I couldn’t forgive him, especially as he’s minimising his behaviour so much. Stick to your guns, you are not the one breaking up the family, he is. If he hadn’t acted like this the family wouldn’t be breaking up.

TopBitchoftheWitches · 29/05/2019 18:52

The people most affected are the children.

Agreed. However, they should be able to grow up knowing this is not how relationships work and those children should not have to see their own mother suffering and going through this.

Separate parents are often better than going through the motions parents.

magoria · 29/05/2019 18:52

Not the first time. Won't be the last if you forgive him again. He will think you will just take him back anytime.

It was a deliberate choice to walk it. It was a deliberate choice to go into a room with a woman. It was a deliberate choice to get naked and have sex with her. It was a deliberate choice to spend money to use a woman's body.

He has no respect for women or you.

Original poster
Tomaytoes · 29/05/2019 18:52

I'm not sure if his mates are dicks too or if he's lying about them saying I should forgive him

I agree he knows he had sex, you don't get your urethra swabbed if you are unsure Hmm

churchthecat I think him continually saying its a mistake is appalling, I agree a mistake is burning toast, not having sex with a prostitute

thestuffedpenguin The Amsterdam thing was before we got together, I was disgusted when he told me that. I should've walked away then

I can't really speak to people properly IRL as I don't want people to know he cheated with a prostitute. We have 2 DS's I need to protect. Some friends have said they would forgive cheating but I think in this case the fact he thinks he can throw cash at a woman for sex makes the whole thing more disgusting?

OP posts: