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Original poster

Caught H cheating he thinks I should forgive him?

77 replies

Tomaytoes · 29/05/2019 18:24

I need help to gain some clarity. A few months ago I found out my H had visited an STI clinic. Seeing this made my blood run cold. He has a fair few faults as do we all but I never thought he'd be a cheater. I tried to sit on this knowledge then I could gather more evidence but I lasted about 20 minutes! When I confronted him, he did the usual cowardly thing and denied it. I said in the 15 years we have been together have I ever accused you of cheating, so as I am now it means I know you have.

He then said he had gone out on a night out with a friend and went to a massage parlour, but he didn't go in. After me telling him for a long time that I didn't believe him and you wouldn't need to get swabs done just for passing by said place, he finally admitted he went in but the girl told him to go home as he was too drunk. I think he tried to have sex with her. I am not naive. He insists he can't remember if they had sex or not, but he went to get checked out just in case. He had swabs taken, HIV and Hep B / C tests. He said he got checked out for me and didn't tell me as he thought we could get back on track.

I am obviously heartbroken for our family (2DC's) and as far as I am concerned our relationship is over. I have told him that I'd like to try to live together for a while until our eldest is settled in high school, then I want him to leave. He keeps saying I should forgive him as its just one mistake.

I obviously think its a huge mistake to make and not one that I can forgive. The cheating is one thing but then there is the deception and I can't get over the fact he thinks its acceptable to pay a vulnerable woman for sex (he has done it before in Amsterdam and I honestly think there have been other times too now I look back).

He keeps telling me I am breaking the family up and his mates all think I should forgive this 'mistake'. I guess I need to hear I am not blowing this up out of proportion and that he is in fact a dick?

OP posts:
MonkeyToesOfDoom · 29/05/2019 18:53

To be absolutely honest, I couldn't be with someone that paid for sex once, even when they were single, its furthers the abuse and mistreatment of women.

RRJR · 29/05/2019 18:53

You aren’t the one who’s responsible for breaking up the family... HE IS! He’s the one who’s cheated. Of course he had sex with her and he knows that. If he was so drunk he couldn’t remember then he wouldn’t have been able to get a hard on surely? He’s lying OP. Even if I thought I could forgive him the fact he continues to lie and treat you like a fool would be it for me...

His friends sound like arseholes as does he.

Original poster
Tomaytoes · 29/05/2019 18:55

His dad cheated twice and his mum forgave him both times. I do think this is why he thinks its just a mistake and I don't want my boys growing up to think the same.

It was a deliberate choice to walk it. It was a deliberate choice to go into a room with a woman. It was a deliberate choice to get naked and have sex with her. It was a deliberate choice to spend money to use a woman's body.
I said exactly the same thing to him

OP posts:
Original poster
Tomaytoes · 29/05/2019 18:57

monkeytoesofdoom I know but I guess I didn't realise the implications then. I do now. I have seen sex workers through my job and know how vulnerable they are Sad

OP posts:
OhDearGodLookAtThisMess · 29/05/2019 19:00

He doesn't get to dictate whether he's worthy of forgiveness.
And HE'S the one who broke up your family, not you.

PicsInRed · 29/05/2019 19:04

I can see why women stay to avoid custody nonsense.

However, in this case, this man puts you at risk of hepatitis, HIV and aggressive strains of HPV which could cause cervical cancer.

His cruising could cause his children to be orphans or have two disabled parents, due to I'll health or the premature loss of their mother. This scenario is a must split situation.

SimplySteveRedux · 29/05/2019 19:07

He's a dick. Dealbreaker for me.

If you suspect he's done this before (and in light of the current occurrence) it's prudent for you to have an STI test. You can't trust a word he says.

fraumaximoo · 29/05/2019 19:08

Awww, he got checked out 'for you'. How romantic. Hmm
Leave him!

SunshineCake · 29/05/2019 19:18

Whatever you want to do is absolutely fine. Make the decision on what is best for you and best for your children, not just them.

AFistfulofDolores1 · 29/05/2019 19:20

I'm usually somewhat more liberal when it comes to extra-marital relationships, but what I am not flexible on is lying - and then continuing to lie ... and then handing responsibility for the marriage over to you, just to top it off.

I wouldn't stay with him for a moment longer.

mrsb345 · 29/05/2019 19:23

How horrendous: the situation and your husband then putting the guilt on you!!
Do what YOU feel is best and I wish you didn't have to deal with this situation ☹️

bringbacksideburns · 29/05/2019 19:30

Yes I agree you need to get checked out too re STDs. You only have his say it's happened twice.

There is something just worse in a way paying a vulnerable and desperate woman in this way for sex then maybe a fling or one night stand with someone he met on a night out.

Id be really angry.

TheGrapefulDread · 29/05/2019 19:37

I would NOT be making MY ongoing life decisions based on the advice of him and his frequently fornicating friends tbh.

LexMitior · 29/05/2019 19:40

What you do is up to you of course but really forgiveness is a ticket to him doing it again and you never being able to raise it, ever.

If you are the kind of person who can forgive and totally forget then it’s an option.

If on the other your very soul seethes at the idea of him being in your life for another 40 years, and you know you cannot keep counsel then I would split.

I’m sure your children would be upset but clearly your silence would have to extend forever to make sure they were totally unaffected. You may find the secret itself makes you bitter or sad - you will carry it and no one else can know.

ohfourfoxache · 29/05/2019 20:25

I’m so sorry you’re going through this, it isn’t fair Thanks

Personally I couldn’t forgive this in a million years. And him telling you that you have to forgive him is utterly laughable. And the fact he’s done it before is a massive red flag. But this is your path to choose - what does your gut say? What do you think when you consider spending the rest of your life with him?

Closetbeanmuncher · 29/05/2019 20:44

He has form for for sleeping with prostitutes, all your forgiveness would be taken as a green light to do it again.

He lost the right to a say when he potentially exposed you to life theatening diseases.

What a piece of work.

user1479305498 · 29/05/2019 21:05

What his friends think or what he 'wants' is not relevant, it's you that has to cope with the hurt of it and the feeling that he isn't quite the man you thought he was. Personally I think blokes in relationships that get off on this sort of stuff rarely lose the urge for 'another repeat' at some point, it's a buzz to them.

magicBrenda · 29/05/2019 21:11

What if he had given you Aids? What if you had died of it leaving your children motherless.

He didn’t even wear a condom to protect you from that.

What a selfish horrible bastard.

Erythronium · 29/05/2019 21:28

He'll do it again whether you stay with him or not. Paying to use women for sex is an addiction for the men who do it.

If the shoe was on the other foot, and you had paid a man for sex, his "mates" would be telling him to "divorce the bitch". And yes, they'd call you a bitch because they're all, including your husband, woman-haters. Your role in this situation apparently is to stay at home whilst he pays to use the bodies of women who have run out of choices and have to be sold to men. Ask him what he'd do if the situation was reversed. Maybe that will get through to him that you mean business.

He did this, not you. It's absolutely disgusting.

ilikemethewayiam · 29/05/2019 21:37

Sorry to say OP but everything he has said to you is pretty standard BS from a guy who’s been caught! My Ex did the same thing and was really really indignant that I wouldn’t forgive him. These guys seem think it’s a forgone conclusion that they’ll be forgiven! My Ex had no concept of how disgusting he was being by going to Prostitutes. After being caught, He said its purely a business transaction! He also said that All wives are prostitutes by another name! He said women are paid for one way or another! Hence why he’s my Ex, disgusting creature! 26 years and turns out I never really knew him! Unfortunately these men have a certain misogynistic mindset. I couldn’t continue my marriage with any dignity or integrity so had to walk away. I did it with my head held high and never looked back! Only you can decide if he’s worthy of you! Good luck OP Flowers

eggsandwich · 29/05/2019 21:53

Ask him what his mates wife’s think, I bet they think the same as you.

MitziK · 29/05/2019 22:28

He went bareback with at best, some random he met that night, or if you take his version, some trafficked girl, an iv drug dependent woman or a girl dragged into child sexual exploitation as part of county lines operations.

Get him out now.

KnittingForMittens · 29/05/2019 22:37

Leave the wanker.

Mary1935 · 29/05/2019 22:45

He’s a cheeky fucker. Yes you do need to get yourself checked out. How dare he try and simplify this.
He wouldn’t have told you if you hadn’t seen the check.
It’s probably not the first time.

HoppingPavlova · 29/05/2019 22:54

Is that your preference ? For one stupid mistake. The person paying the price is you.

But it’s not just one stupid mistake. The OP indicates he has done it before at least once (in Amsterdam) and she suspects other times. So nope, not one stupid mistake, the guy has a passport to stupid with a few visits stamped.

I wouldn’t want my DD to think this was acceptable behaviour from a spouse/partner so as well as thinking about being a single parent you also need to think of the values you role model to your kids in regards to what is/is not acceptable.

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