Caught H cheating he thinks I should forgive him?

[Tomaytoes]

I need help to gain some clarity. A few months ago I found out my H had visited an STI clinic. Seeing this made my blood run cold. He has a fair few faults as do we all but I never thought he'd be a cheater. I tried to sit on this knowledge then I could gather more evidence but I lasted about 20 minutes! When I confronted him, he did the usual cowardly thing and denied it. I said in the 15 years we have been together have I ever accused you of cheating, so as I am now it means I know you have.

He then said he had gone out on a night out with a friend and went to a massage parlour, but he didn't go in. After me telling him for a long time that I didn't believe him and you wouldn't need to get swabs done just for passing by said place, he finally admitted he went in but the girl told him to go home as he was too drunk. I think he tried to have sex with her. I am not naive. He insists he can't remember if they had sex or not, but he went to get checked out just in case. He had swabs taken, HIV and Hep B / C tests. He said he got checked out for me and didn't tell me as he thought we could get back on track.

I am obviously heartbroken for our family (2DC's) and as far as I am concerned our relationship is over. I have told him that I'd like to try to live together for a while until our eldest is settled in high school, then I want him to leave. He keeps saying I should forgive him as its just one mistake.

I obviously think its a huge mistake to make and not one that I can forgive. The cheating is one thing but then there is the deception and I can't get over the fact he thinks its acceptable to pay a vulnerable woman for sex (he has done it before in Amsterdam and I honestly think there have been other times too now I look back).

He keeps telling me I am breaking the family up and his mates all think I should forgive this 'mistake'. I guess I need to hear I am not blowing this up out of proportion and that he is in fact a dick?

Amsterdam was before they married, per OP.

OP, do you believe this was a sex worker? Don’t almost all of them demand clients use condoms, and if so, why would he need to be tested for STDs?

He told you a series of lies until he eventualky got you to believe one. I bet a pound to a penny though you still don't know the truth. Reason being I seriously doubt a prostitute working out of a massage parlour would have unprotected sex with a client, especially a random one off the street. The only thing you know to be true is that he had an STI test and it's fair to conclude he had extremely strong reasons for doing that. If screwing a prostitute is better than the truth, god knows what the truth is.

If you stay for this period of time "for the children" then you may as well give up now because being married to a john will just become your normal and he won't be leaving at all

I'm not sure I'd be willing or able to forgive him, but what's your line in the sand? What changes would he have to make to earn back your trust? Complete transparency so you have access to all his accounts and that he has to tell you where he is at all times? Marriage counseling?

Would he be willing even or are you expected to just forgive without any effort on his part?

It's the lack of awareness for women's rights that would do it for me OP. As you say, he took advantage of a woman's circumstances....that's gross. Especially when he has daughters.

When we had dds my husband suddenly could not watch porn any more. He was just saddened by it. That's the correct and proper response. This man is not worthy of your affection.

Wow! Firstly, I’m so sorry you’re in this position. You must know that there is no way that you have done anything to “make” him do what he has done.
Secondly, I’m not sure his story washes with me. If he was really, truly contrite, you wouldn’t have had to drag it out of him. It’s also very fluffy and he doesn’t exactly claim full responsibility either.
Thirdly, YOU need a full STI check-up, because I don’t think I’d believe he’d give you the full truth!if he had caught anything. (sorry!)
And lastly, are you going to be able to live in the same house as a moody, resentful manchild, who for some reason thinks that he even gets to have an opinion on how YOU should react to his cheating (WHY does he even get to have an opinion at all???) when he is clearly not going to take responsibility for his own behaviour? No man is worth that stress.

I mean, if I robbed a bank I could stand there and tell the bank manager he ought to forgive me and that all my friends think he should too. It doesn't mean that I have any right to be telling the bank manager how to feel and act. It just means I'm a bit of a dick

OP, do you believe this was a sex worker? Don’t almost all of them demand clients use condoms, and if so, why would he need to be tested for STDs?

You can pay extra for bareback. Only women who really really need the money generally agree to this, so probably addicted, trafficked or otherwise desperate.

"Doesn't remember" if had sex or not, but remembers to book and attend an STI clinic.

Yes, ok whatever 'd'h.

Only you can decide if it is something you can forgive, not him or his mates.

As someone with 2 nurse friends who work in sexual health clinics I would say it's unlikely he's gone without having a definitive cause for concern, usually symptoms or someone contacting him. As with most health issues men tend to stick their heads in the sand unless confronted in some way.

You need a full sti screening of your own.

And I agree he's a dick, it's likely not the first time, it displays a fundamental misogyny that I personally couldn't live with, since bought consent isn't true consent.

Frankly I would want him out!

Cheating
Likely exploiting a vulnerable girl/woman possibly even contributing to sex trafficking
Lying
Lying again
Putting your health and life at risk
Lack of care or respect for you, your family
Blaming you for "breaking up the family"

And I agree with AF re delaying him moving out. There's no good time and by allowing him to stay even temporarily you would in effect be forgiving him, allowing him time to talk you round and he would likely take that as permission to do what he likes.

Most of what I could say has been said. Just wanted to add I'm really sorry you going through this and it's absolutely not your fault, and you are not "breaking the family", you are enforcing very reasonable boundaries and protecting your children from continuing the cycle where this is normal and acceptable.

His attitude that women are paid wank holes is what disgusts me the most. It takes that kind of degrading mindset to do those types of things.

I wonder if his mates are married? Like they say, birds of a feather.

The genie is well and truly out of the bottle, your H is a selfish, lying, misogynist, who has no respect for you emotionally or sexual health. His sorry but not sorry attitude and him trying to blame you for the consequences of his shitty behaviour, says all you need to know about him.

How do you move forward with someone who shows so little awareness and who can’t even bother faking giving a shit? With great difficulty.

Calling it a mistake suggests remorse for the impact his behaviour has on you but he isn’t remorseful. He’s annoyed that he got caught and the amount of effort he’s had to put into the bullshit that’s come out of his mouth since being caught.

You might have been able to forgive the cheating but the self entitled arrogance and disrespect, hell the fuck no!

He risked your sexual health
He lied
He minimised
He paid to a woman who is likely coerced/trafficked into having sex with him
He’s a selfish disrespectful misogynist who doesn't Give a shit about you or women in general when the outcome is his own sexual pleasure.

He sounds fucking awful

Why shouldn’t you get RL support? You’re not the one who should feel ashamed here. Obviously wouldn’t want it getting back to the kids but that shouldn’t prevent you confiding in someone you trust. If you want to.
It’s not a mistake. It didn’t happen by accident. He didn’t trip and fall on her in the street. He chose to do this. And now he’s trying to lie his way out of it.
I’m so sorry OP. You’re worth so much more.

I think the bigger issue for me would be he wants you to forgive him for paying a prostitute for sex, it's more that he both had unprotected sex and is still lying to you. How can you forgive someone who is bare faced lying.

Tomaytoes

re your earlier comment re your DH's family:-
His dad cheated twice and his mum forgave him both times.

We learn about relationships first and foremost from our parents; this is what he learnt about relationships here. He like his father before feel entitled to act like this. I would also think his father came out with the same set of lines and denial to his mother as well when she found out.

What do you want to teach your children about relationships?
Do not do what his own mother did here nor stay with your H just because or for the "sake of the children". No, they are not a reason to stay with such a man.

He paid and had sex with a prostitute, he broke up the family.

Next time he said his mates agree, tell him a) he and his mates are scum and like minded and b) you'll be asking their partners if they'd want a man who had sex with prostitutes. Watch him panic.

I think many couples can overcome cheating.
For me it's a deal breaker.
But prostitutes....... Just NO!
This is about how YOU feel. What YOUR boundaries are.
Of course he thinks you should forgive him.
But you know you can't.
I'm with you on the wanting to live together until secondary school.
I did exactly the same with my ExH.
He moved out in the April.
It was torture and I really don't think it made a jot of difference to how my DD reacted when she found out.
We didn't tell her he had cheated but she knew. At 11 she knew the bottom line.
Told me it was obvious and it wasn't rocket science.
HE is breaking up the family.
HE broke his wedding vows. HE betrayed and cheated on you and his children. NONE of this your fault.
He can get to fuck, blaming you.
He's a spineless prick.

He made the choice to do this. He made the choice to repeatedly lie to you. He made the choice to risk his family.

He's now trying to blame you for any consequences that arise from this. This is not the action on an honourable person.

He hasn't even come clean now. You know he's untrustworthy. I am so sorry, OP, that he's treated you and your kids like this. I'm also disgusted by the way he's treated the women that he's used as wank receptacles for this.

Please don't let him put this on you. Like someone said upthread, it's not like he tripped and fell. He made a choice.

What the fuckety fuck? you are breaking the family up???!

I see this so many times on these cheating threads and each time it gives me the rage.

Rest assured OP, you are not breaking the family apart. He's already done that himself. What a scumbag and his mates are scum to if they are saying he should be forgiven.

Please do set the standard for your boys. This is not acceptable behaviour. It is unforgivable and you should be showing your sons what a strong woman does in this situation.

You sound like you are pretty much resolute in leaving him? Good, if that's the case.

You can find someone else in the future too. Someone who doesn't think sticking his dick into a woman's orifice and paying her is ok.

It's disgusting.
It's despicable.
It's cheating.

He wouldn't forgive you, you know he wouldn't.

At least he got an STI test, most of them don't. He would have been told though (depending on how long it was since he was put at risk and had the test) that some things like HIV might not show up on the test for months, but that if they contracted it they can pass it on even before testing positive themselves, so did he take extra precautions with you for a period of time?

Are you sure the ‘massage parlour’ story is the truth and not that he’s been having an affair?

Either is obviously awful and unforgivable. But twice I’ve seen friend’s DHs think that saying they’d had sex with a prostitute instead of admitting affairs was somehow going to be easier for the wife to forgive. As if us women will think it’s okay because they paid so it doesn’t ‘count’ ...

As for him blaming you: he ended your relationship as it was the moment he decided to take his clothes off for someone else. He doesn’t get to decide if it’s a relationship you should stay in.

I am a man though my name is not Arnold. In my assessment, he had physical contact with this lady in the parlour and probably had sex with her albeit with a condom. He was sold guilt ridden afterwards that he has probably been having sleepless nights and other traumas. He snuck off to the clinic to tray and slay his fears and guilt,meanwhile in the interim probably risking sex with you?? Unfortunately hes been caught,you know the truth and he knows hes in it up to his neck. Until he tells the real unadulterated truth, then he can surely expect no consideration or mercy?