Has anyone successfully reconciled themselves to life with a functional alcoholic?

[DustyAndConfused]

Just that, really.

Husband is great, smart, funny, good dad, good at making money (although he works for the family firm) - but he drinks far too much.

I've been all around the town on this for 15 years now. He's quite good when he's on a health kick (as he is now) but normally he will drink 1.5 -2.0 bottles of wine 2 or 3 times a week and frequently is still drunk in the morning after these nights.

He's definitely a binary drinker, i.e. he's all in or all out.

I've noticed he gravitates towards friends who are big drinkers.

Can anyone give me some advice? I don't intend on leaving him, we have an otherwise good marriage, but I need some coping mechanisms because I am constantly frustrated.

Hi OP, I'm a recovering alcoholic and have many friends who are admittedly now in AA but whose partners were in your position for many years. Have you tried Al-Anon? From the point of view of speaking to others in your situation.

Otherwise, I guess that it's acceptance that the health kick periods of time and your evident love for him outweigh the binges. It's the uncertainty that must be most difficult. Maybe if you could recognise what triggers a relapse, you could be more mentally prepared for it in advance. In my drinking days, I actually recognised that I could go for a six week period alcohol free - then there would be a subconscious feeling of "ok, I've cracked this so one night off won't hurt". It sounds very stupid and obvious now, but it was only going through the steps that made me see this.

I'm sure that most of the advice you will receive will be to leave, but it's not that easy. I do have friends whose partners felt just like you for (as above) years, but then cracked and couldn't take it any more. Does your DH recognise the problem or is he in denial and/or simply doesn't want to change?

Why do you not intend on leaving him?. Its a genuine question.

What are you getting out of this now?. What needs of yours is he still meeting within you other than your needs to still be his codependent partner, enabler and provoker?. This is the roles such spouses play out within it and you have played those for a number of years now.

How many more excuses for him are you going to make or have had to make already?. How many working days has he lost, how many weekends or social occasions like Christmas and birthdays has he ruined or otherwise spoiled because of his alcoholism?.

Examine your own reasons far more closely for wanting to stay for now with someone like this at all because they are a lot to do with you rather than anyone else. Where has this come from?. You ask for coping strategies; does this mean that your kids will have to learn more of this crap too?. Would you want them to have a relationship with an alcoholic as adults or for them to become problem drinkers too?. This relationship they are seeing from you two is fast becoming their normal.

There are no coping strategies that will work for you or in turn your kids if you at all choose to remain within this marriage for what are your own reasons. You will simply become a shell of the person you once were and your children will not thank you for staying with their drunk father either.

Did you see in your own childhood?.

Do you really have an otherwise good marriage, you may think that you do but is this really the case?. What are you seeing in front of your very eyes day and day out?.

Is he a good dad to his children, women in poor relationships often write this when they can write nothing positive about their man. This is a man whose primary relationship is with drink, its not with you or with your kids. Because that is where his thoughts are at; they all centre around alcohol and where the next drink is going to come from. He gravitates to fellow drinkers and that is no surprise either.

At the very least you need to attend Al-anon meetings in person but your own recovery from his alcoholism will only properly start when you have extricated yourself fully from your marriage in which alcohol is the third (and more important to him) member of.

How does it impact on your life now? Are you unable to do anything in the mornings at the weekend because he's hungover/drunk? What's it like when you go on holiday? I assume he doesn't drive on these mornings after.

How much time do you spend alone due to his drinking? Does he ever end up forgetting stuff because he agreed to it whilst drunk? Does he ever hurt himself because he was drunk?

Lobster I'm like you - but I think we both know that what can 'trigger a relapse' is anything. Like you say, 'I've done 6 weeks [not that I ever did] let's have a drink to celebrate', or 'I've had a good day', 'I've had a bad day', 'I'm bored', 'I want to relax' - it can be literally anything. So the OP can't really predict when it's going to happen, the uncertainty is going to be a fact of her marriage.

I assume at the moment it isn't affecting his health in a very obvious way. But this will come. When I went to see my GP, he thought I was dying - I was still (just) making it into the office every day, I genuinely don't know how now. If you want to stay, Dusty, this is what will eventually happen.

It sounds as if the Al-anon advice to 'detach with love' might be what you want, but this may involve leading quite separate lives - to the point where you wonder if it's actually worth being married any more.

Hi OP, sorry you are having to deal with this. I do think you're in a bit of denial here because your husband is not great, he puts alcohol before you and your children (and always will). I can assume from your post you have tried to get him to deal with it and he's refused so, again, putting alcohol before your relationship.
I personally couldn't be with someone who put something else before his family.
You say you don't want to leave but he would think nothing of leaving you if the alternative was not drinking.
I hope someone else can come along with more advice for you but I would urge you to think about what effect this is having on your children. Do they see him drinking all the time? is he drunk around them? Do you want them growing up thinking this is OK?

Oh and please also consider the health implications. He may be 'functioning' now but eventually it will make him very ill - are you ready to deal with that and let you kids see it?

@tribpot completely agree with you; my first sponsor basically banned the word "trigger" because she said (as you say above) it could be anything. The trigger is being an alcoholic.

I also know that the advice will be to leave, and I couldn't form a relationship with an alcoholic in early sobriety even though it seems pretty commonplace in the rooms, often very successfully. But the OP seemed to want replies from the perspective that she wants to stay.

I've been sober (two relapses) for 11 years and the thought of returning to the dark days is a million times worse than any drink. All the very best to you in your sobriety.

Yes, and no...I’ve basically spent years going round and round with the same issue as you op. I would urge you to read this book, the very well known ‘Co-dependant no more’ by Melody Beattie

This book changed everything for me, the words on the cover may seem harsh because you might think that you are not controlling, but the book talks about the behaviour we adopt to try and deal with situations that we find ourselves in because we live with an alcoholic. I can’t recommend this book enough and I probably wouldn’t make a decision one way or the other until you have read it.

Good luck with it op.

I am writing from the perspective of the child.

I have grown up with a functional alcoholic as a father. He never missed work due to alcohol or drank during the day. However he would frequently get drunk during the evenings and weekends. His drink of choice is beer.

The impact this has had on me and my view of him has been huge. I have horrible anxiety now even though I am 30, whenever he drinks. It has led to self-esteem problems and my own poor relationship with alcohol and binge drinking. I have had a lot of counselling and now don’t drink. Watching my mother stay through what she did with him I believe has also caused me to have relationship problems. I find it very difficult to know my self-worth and self-respect and leave poor relationships despite abusive behaviour.

I believe my mum would stay no matter what. He is now in his mid 60s and nothing has changed, but he is obese now and has diabetes. He has zero insight and will never change. And my mum will always stay.

If you carry on as you are and accept your situation, be prepared for your children to not respect you, and worse case scenario, want nothing to do with you. These people may be good parents when they are sober, but trust me any notion of that is eroded once your children are old enough to have insight and awareness.

My exH was “functional” until he wasn’t.

Eventually I had to leave him for my own sanity and he was dead of liver disease by 39.

It doesn’t get better.

My exP was a functional alcoholic i wasn't prepared to stay with him and wait until it started to effect his health, he has recently been admitted to hospital with liver disease

You’re constantly frustrated.

Your young dc will unknowingly be learning the art of walking on eggshells around him (and around you trying to cope with your frustrations). Your teens will challenge this and will come to despise him and you. Their boundaries, self-esteem and future relationships will be intangibly affected. Their and your future prospcts will be less than they might if he didn’t prioritise drinking. You’ll end up caring for an unhealthy cognitively declining ageing drunk. I don’t think you should have to cope.

It won't be long before his health starts to unravel

I lived with an alcoholic for 9 years. I can only share my own experience but the worry of it made me deeply unhappy and anxious. I felt helpless and like everything was out of control because there was nothing I could do. It didn't matter what I said or did because he'd still drink. I'd find him passed out in the morning. He'd give up for a few days, maybe a couple of weeks but always went back to the drink. He couldn't hold down a job so we lived off my wage which wasn't much. I was constantly stressed about paying the bills, my partner's health. When we finally split up I had the biggest sense of relief and freedom. I had my life back. This is only my experience and your experience and your partner must be different. I know some alcoholics turn their lives around but I personally couldn't live with an alcoholic (who I felt wouldn't stop drinking) again. Just remembering those times now makes me feel scared and anxious.

thanks everyone for your responses.

I'm not excusing his behaviour, so I hope you can accept my answers at face value.

He really does this out of boredom and opportunity at home. He does not in the main ruin parties or birthdays. Holidays - he has fucked up a couple but it's been about 10 years since we had a bad one (rather, they tend to box him in if that makes sense).

As for how this impacts my life.... I am frustrated and disgusted by his excessive drinking and I'm either alone or with someone who is grossly hungover until say, noon, let's say once a week. Like a lot of alcoholics, I imagine, he can get up and function after one bottle of wine the night before so the hangovers are possibly more manageable than the actual drinking if that makes sense.

He is really a good dad, I'm not sure how else I can put this, the reason I distinguish between a functioning and non-functioning alcoholic is that I think he can box himself into situations where he has a schedule that allows him to drink.

He's got a unique set of interests/education/intelligence and has managed to create a similar blueprint in my kids that I would have never been able to do on my own. Don't wish to sound breathless but he's managed to produce apprentice chemists, archaeologists, mathematicians, historians, astronomers, metal detectorists, intrepid travellers and so on. He's really a remarkable father. I admire him in so many ways, he's a brilliant oddball.

This is why I couldn't leave; I really can't imagine my life with anyone else.

It sounds as if you see him as glamourous and charismatic and you don't want to let go of that

But at the end of the day, he doesn't want to change does he? His entitlement for drinking is more important to him than your feelings, or the impact this has on you and your children. How old are your children?

He sounds even worse now you have described him. Interesting that he works for the family firm. Is that because it would be difficult to hold down a job anywhere else?

Oh my Dusty, you are setting your own bar here really low when you write that you could not imagine your life with anyone else. You come across as a passenger to your life rather than an active participant. You are the epitome of codependency and why are his needs seemingly more important than yours?.

How is he a good dad to his children exactly? You have not expanded on this apart from listing a whole load of occupations so this is why I am asking. Do you really want your kids to be exactly like him as adults with the accompanying alcoholism as a blueprint too?.

He being what you describe as a brilliant oddball and a remarkable father counts for nothing really, I would think your kids call him something other than your own high and mighty descriptions of him. What do they think of you in turn; what they are seeing is a constantly frustrated mother who is currently choosing to stay or otherwise stand by her man for her own reasons. The children do not come into this because its what you want.

What in turn are you teaching them about relationships?. You do realise that you cannot and you are indeed not protecting them fully from his alcoholism. You've already had a couple of past holidays ruined by him due to drink; how much more of your lives are you prepared to let him ruin or otherwise spoil due to alcohol?.

What did you learn about relationships when you were growing up?
Is this really now what you want to remain signed up to?.

I have no advice as I am in a similar position. DH drinks on average a bottle of whiskey a day (sometimes more sometimes less) It has got to the point where he doesnt even seem to get drunk anymore.
He still goes to work everyday, makes more than enough money, is involved with the kids and is still basically the man I fell in love with but I can't ignore the fact that this will probably kill him and if I'm honest with myself I don't think he'll still be here in 5-10 years and if I'm really honest it will probably be less than that.
It's such a hard situation to live in.. I don't want to leave my dh either but the reality is that I'm watching him kill himself and I am completely helpless.
Sorry for rambling just wanted you to know you're not alone.

Are you happy Op?

He's got a unique set of interests/education/intelligence

^

Ahhhhhhh.

Thought so.

You sound enmeshed and in denial about his alcohol problem and the impacts on the family.

Suggest Al Anon.

And prioritising your DC over your relationship with an alcoholic.

It isn’t in their interests to live with a father with an alcohol problem.

I'm so sorry because you clearly love him very much.

I am the child of a functional alcoholic and I am still recovering from the after effects of growing up with two parents who loved me dearly but were utterly incapable of prioritising my needs.

But here's the thing, and it's important:

they had no idea they weren't prioritising me and my brother

They thought/think they were great parents just because they loved us.

My dad was also interesting, hugely intelligent, charismatic, did cool and creative stuff with us. But that wasn't enough to mitigate the lack of trust, the constantly feeling let down, a bit scared when he came home drunk (because having a drunk parent is just horrible) and just never really feeling that I could rely on him. It had s profound effect on me.

He was a great person but he wasn't a great dad. I loved him but I'm not sure I miss him that much. He died too young because his body was basically buggered up by Sri Kung and smoking too much.

He was gainfully employed his whole life. Did voluntary work and was very much lived within his community. he was a very good person.

But that isn't enough to mitigate the effects of growing up with an alcoholic parent.

And again, I am so so sorry because I know this isn't what you want to hear.
Sending strength and love

Sorry about the spelling mistakes! Sri Kung (??!) should say drinking!