Has anyone successfully reconciled themselves to life with a functional alcoholic?

[DustyAndConfused]

Just that, really.

Husband is great, smart, funny, good dad, good at making money (although he works for the family firm) - but he drinks far too much.

I've been all around the town on this for 15 years now. He's quite good when he's on a health kick (as he is now) but normally he will drink 1.5 -2.0 bottles of wine 2 or 3 times a week and frequently is still drunk in the morning after these nights.

He's definitely a binary drinker, i.e. he's all in or all out.

I've noticed he gravitates towards friends who are big drinkers.

Can anyone give me some advice? I don't intend on leaving him, we have an otherwise good marriage, but I need some coping mechanisms because I am constantly frustrated.

thanks for your post Whisky

He's taken over the family business and does a good job, he's shrewd/good at making money and I don't think my FIL could do without his judgement. He's sort of assuming the patriarch mantle and his parents rely upon him for all manner of things, he's a devoted son.

thanks MrsTodds but I really do not think that my kids would recognise this:

My dad was also interesting, hugely intelligent, charismatic, did cool and creative stuff with us. But that wasn't enough to mitigate the lack of trust, the constantly feeling let down, a bit scared when he came home drunk (because having a drunk parent is just horrible) and just never really feeling that I could rely on him. It had s profound effect on me.

I accept that I sound as though I'm in denial. Really do. But I do not think that my kids feel this way.

I agree that I need to get to AlAnon - I went a couple of times about a year ago and what frustrated me was that it seemed utterly impractical, you did your sharing and there was no dialogue (I might not be remembering this correctly).

And yes, he is really charismatic (not sure about glamorous, perhaps) and we had a whirlwind courtship and we are still pretty madly in love almost 20 years later.

Am I happy? Yes.

I am the daughter, daughter in law and sister in law of functional alcoholics. They were functioning until they weren't, then they were dead. Being the child of an alcoholic is horrible and you're in denial about the effect on your children. As others have said, you're co-dependent and you need help - you know this, which is why you have posted here. The crack is slowly widening, you can see the light out of the corner of your eye. Prepare yourself for the moment when the crack bursts open and you can't hold yourself back any longer. Prepare yourself for your children to walk away and never look back as soon as they are able to be independent. Prepare yourself for early widowhood - nobody who drinks 100 units of alcohol a week gets out alive.
Sorry to be brutal, but this won't end well. Save yourself - you can't save him and shouldn't try.

Wow, you really do have him up on a pedestal don’t you! You’re as addicted to him as he is to alcohol.

The poster who said her ex was functional until he wasn’t has it about right.

You’ve no idea how your kids feel, you’ve no idea how they will feel about it in years to come, but the sad fact is that it IS having an effect on them, regardless of what you think. The effect of having an alcoholic parent is subtle and pervasive.

Am I happy? Yes.

If this ^ is the case OP, why do you want anything to change? Genuine question.

OP I just don't think you want to hear what everyone is saying. You've come on here hoping for someone to tell you it will all be ok and you can live with him just the way he is. You say you're happy yet you're on here telling us he drinks excessively and is often hungover at weekends.
I think you are portraying your idealized version of him so that people will respond in the way that you want.
You know what he's doing is wrong, that's why you're on here.
Sorry but I doubt anyone will tell you what you want to hear.

I wouldn’t want my marriage to make me constantly frustrated and in need of coping mechanisms. That doesn’t sound like happiness at all.

I accept that I sound as though I'm in denial. Really do. But I do not think that my kids feel this way.
Oh my goodness.
It suits you to believe that doesn't it? Because facing the reality, that children are left damaged by parents who drink alcohol to the extent of your husband, means you would have to act. You would have to leave. Assuming your children are your priority. Or perhaps it's the case that your prioritise your children as much as your husband.
Growing up my dad consumed far less alcohol units than your husband. Yet, my life has been blighted by witnessing it. I was able to recognise when my dad was drunk from at least 7 years old. And it's unpleasant. Even though he was fairly harmless. They sound different and they say different things. It's traumatic. I have anxiety just from hearing him pop a can open. He has no idea I feel this way.

Children cannot come out of this unscathed. Also my dad wasn't the first generation to drink like this. His father died from the same thing. How would you feel if your children grew up and drank like this? How would you feel if your children grew up and wanted nothing to do with either of you?

This won't end well while you continue to bury your head in the sand. There are no coping mechanisms.

Another one confused as to why you asked the question. You and your DC seem quite happy from your responses.
You ask for coping mechanisms... ignore the infrequent drinking evenings?
Personally I don’t see 3 bottles of wine during some weeks as alcoholism.

From other responses I think I must have misunderstood the quantity of alcohol - sorry

@Peakypolly it is around 3 - 6 bottles of wine per week. 30 - 60 units per week.

adultchildren.org/

Adult Children of Alcoholics is a global charity supporting the mental and emotional fall out of having an alcoholic parent.

Have a read through to see what your DCs are in for in adulthood. It won’t make a jot of difference if you have hot housed them through to double firsts at Cambridge - emotionally they will be unable to reach their potential in relationships and careers.

An alcoholic is not emotionally available to their children 24/7 - either they are pissed, hungover or craving the next session.

He is not emotionally attuned to your children and neither are you as you deploy your finite emotional and physical energy “going round the town” focused on him.

There is little left for your DCs. They get emotional crumbs from an exhausted, frustrated, depleted, and distracted Mum and nothing from their zoned-out Dad preoccupied with drink.

They are emotionally neglected, are suffering even if you don’t see it - or they are not aware yet themselves - but it will all fall down for them.

I have lived your life.

Everything that has been said above is 100% accurate. You need to go to Al-anon, you need to deploy “detached love”, you need to read Melanie Beaty. You need to see your role in this as an enabler and the impact this is having on your DCs.

I got my husband to leave. It was the wake up call he needed. He did extensive therapy and is now home and our relationship is brilliant. But our DCs have been emotionally injured and one by one will be in therapy.

I know this is really tough to hear. But I really hope you listen to all of the people on this thread - who have been the children, who have been the alcoholic, who have been the wife.

www.verywellmind.com/common-traits-of-adult-children-of-alcoholics-66557

“The term ACoA was also extended to include PTSD by Tian Dayton PhD, specifically in her book The ACoA Trauma Syndrome. In it she describes how pain from childhood emerges and gets played out in adulthood, for the ACoA, as a post traumatic stress reaction. Childhood pain that has remained relatively dormant for decades can be re-stimulated or "triggered" by the dynamics of intimacy. "Just as a car backfiring triggers a soldier into unconscious memories of gunfire, when the ACoA grows up and enters the intimate relationships of partnering and parenting, the very vulnerability, dependency and closeness of those relationships can trigger unhealed and unconscious pain from childhood."

This is what happens.

DH used to drink too much. But we were students when we first met and everyone was drinking too much, but it carried on a bit longer than that in his case. The best thing that ever happened to him was getting a job with a huge amount of responsibility and a very strict drug/alcohol testing regime. He now is a completely reformed character, and although if given the opportunity to have lots of booze he will, he controls it rather than vice versa. I on the other hand hardly drink at all, his behaviour made me very anxious. SIL drinks far too much in a self destructive way and I hate it. I couldn’t hack it if he drank like that around the DCs.

Obviously he is a heavy/binge drinker but why do you think he is an alcoholic? He doesn't drink every day, can stop for extended periods etc. Is it that he can't stop once he starts or that he uses it to cope with stress? Not everyone who drinks that amount is automatically an alcoholic.

You don't want to leave and you can't make him stop. You say you're happy, so all you can do is detach really and get on with things

AA don’t define alcoholism by the timing, frequency or volume of alcohol consumed......but instead by the criteria that the drinking causes distress / upset / problems in the relationships of the problem drinker.

FromEden,

What another20 wrote.

Alcoholism is NOT defined by what you drink, when you drink it, or even how much you drink. It's the EFFECTS of your drinking that define a problem.

Alcoholism is also known as the "family disease" because all of the people within it are affected by the alcoholic's behaviour.

@FromEden just to echo the above. I could easily stop drinking for weeks or months, but I was still an alcohol - and still am, albeit in recovery. I will never be able to drink "normally" as I am effectively allergic to alcohol. And I have in the thankfully distant past lost relationships, jobs and respect because of my failure to recognise this, and my denial that one drink is too many and 100 not enough. Regular meetings remind me of this.

*alcoholic not alcohol!

op are we married to the same man?!

Seriously you have described my DH - even down to working for the family firm!

And to answer your question, well yes, I pretty much have reconciled myself to living with him. I have tried many different ways to tackle it and now realise I didn’t cause it, can control it, can’t cure it, and as long as he keeps his drinking to a certain level then I can live with it. If it goes beyond a certain level and it affects his behaviour negatively then I let him know in no uncertain terms. At the end of the day it is his life and his health - at least that’s the way I look at it.

As the child of a functioning alcoholic I can tell you it does affect the kids for a very long time.

How old are you kids?

Have they said anything about it?

Is he visible drunk in front of them often?

Does his personality change?

It is a lot of booze but there are so many people doing the same thing of an evening after a hard day. 1 or 2 glasses while cooking, one with dinner and then that's pretty much a bottle gone before you know it on your own? I'm not saying it's okay but if you do it and your partner does it, it's just a normal thing to do and a person wouldn't appear drunk if the wine was drunk over a few hours and ate dinner. 2 bottles in an evening is definitely pushing it / a lot in one go.

I'm curious about the questions above I've asked and what the actual problem you have is apart from what you say is a bit of a hangover on the morning??

In your original post you said frustrated.

What are the things you are frustrated with?

Watch the documentary Adrian Chiles: drinkers like me on iplayer. it'll strike a chord. Hopefully he'll watch it too and get himself scanned to see what damage he's doing to his liver, there might be extensive scarring already.

The problem is, 'functional' can become not functional/cirrhosis very quickly, and then it's a bit late. But the liver is an amazing organ with capacity to heal itself to some extent, if given a chance to do so.

At the moment he has zero reason to not drink as he is not noticing any impact on his health or relationships. Until that changes he will not have any motivation to change. You can't do it for him.

The bit when they are not functioning any more, because the liver has failed, is fucking horrible by the way. It's a slow painful death full of years of heartache and pain for everyone.