Is this abuse? Can't stand it anymore.

[mrsjackrussell]

Iv been disabled for around 6 years and gradually getting worse think similar to MS life limiting illness but I cop well.

My dh the last few years has gotten miserable irritable and angry with me.

He gets in these moods where he rants at me so much I end up crying and frustrated. He backs me into a corner with his arguments. It happens every couple of weeks and he's just horrible.
I'm ashamed to say that I get so frustrated I end up hurting myself.
We've been seeing a councilor but it hasn't gotten much better now all of my feelings for him have gone as I feel it's gone to far.

He's got a lot of issues from his childhood and says he loves me and can't live without me etc but surely if you loved someone you wouldn't treat them like this.
Iv been honest and told him now how I feel and that my feelings have changed but I can't leave as I haven't got anywhere to go and neither has he.

Iv told him I just need to be left alone for now and with the councillors help we've agreed some boundaries.

Tonight he's started crying and says iv changed towards him and he can't lose me etc. He's insinuated suicide and I feel so guilty but angry. The crying just doesn't seem real to me. I'm not really sure what I'm asking you all but where do I go from here?

Oh and he's a functioning alcoholic too and has been for years. I'm not even sure how much he drinks.

To top it all off I mentioned this to my health care team and they've referred me to safeguarding so I'm really worried about that.

I'm really glad they have referred you to safeguarding OP because this is abuse and they have recognised it as such. Thank goodness someone is taking care of you because you cannot have this and he should be made to move out. Don't fall for his crocodile tears he is using you as an emotional punchbag and you have enough to cope with with your illness.

Thanks catlady for your reply. It's the feeling that I'm going mad.
Iv spoken to members of my family about it but it's like they don't listen or take it seriously.
He is making me feel so guilty.
Iv been with him 23 years and he's always had a temper but it's got worse. Never physical violence though.

I hope safeguarding can help you OP. I have a life limiting disability too. It sounds like some of the stuff my DH does. He's gotten alot worse the last 6 months as I've gotten sicker. He's completely unsupportive. I'm in so much pain and he still won't contribute and all I get is blame and anger. I wish I was well enough to walk away with the kids. I'm sorry you're going through this 💐💐💐

Yes it is abuse. He's taking it out on you when he should be supporting and it needs to stop

Lost.
I think it's to do with the fact that he can't face up to what's happening to me and maybe the same with yours but that's no excuse.

He supports me physically and tries to help but it seems like a chore to him. I'm still quite independent so he's not my carer as such.

To others I think he seems wonderful but iv started to realise that he is a bit manipulative.

I hope that you might be able to get some help with this. I'm guessing your children are young. Mine are older teens so not a problem if I do need to leave.

OP, yes it is incredibly abusive, and even if it wasn’t something abusive you are allowed to have had enough.

I think it is very good you spoke with your health care team: keep talking with them.

What is your living circumstance? Rented or owned? Private rented or social housing?

You need specialist advice. It may be that your care team can point you in the way of a housing advisor for vulnerable adults such as yourself.

I would also try seeing the counsellor alone, to get support for yourself.

He simply cannot and will not prioritise you or your relationship. Alcoholics have no choice, in the grip of addiction, but to prioritise their own needs. Which includes manipulating you: as you said, he had nowhere to go.

You have enough on your plate. You need to be taking care of you, yourself and you. Not accommodating a ‘functioning ‘ alcoholic who takes out his anger on you.

Thank you for your replies. Iv been feeling like I'm going mad.

I can fully understand how people stay with abusive partners.

Iv realised that iv become really anxious lately due to this.

We informally rent the property from my family member and I know that they would prioritise me in allowing me to stay here.

I have my own Councillor but don't see them much due to cost but I'm seeing them soon so at least I have them to talk to

He makes me feel so evil. Called me a nasty bastard earlier because he's pressuring me into giving him another chance but iv told him how I feel. He thinks because he's trying hard and going to get councilling that's OK and I'm going to forget all what he's done.

“He makes me feel so evil. Called me a nasty bastard earlier because he's pressuring me into giving him another chance”

Well, he’s blowing that isn’t he!

Abusive name calling! And you are the one feeling evil?

This is a serious situation OP. You say you cope well, I’m sure you do, and huge kudos to you for doing so.

But you se still officially a vulnerable adult. And hurting yourself is a sign that something needs to change. Change a lot, and right now.

I know you probably put a lot of effort into showing your family how well you cope. But maybe open up to them more about the things you can’t cope with and mustn’t cope with. When HE has been a nasty bastard and upset you, turn to the family member most likely to listen. Do this a few times.

Be very honest with the safeguarding person ,

Redbarrows. Thankyou. That helps me see a lot.

Hi everyone. Thankyou for your advice.

Safeguarding have been in touch and they have given me a number for a DV service and they have closed the case as they are not worried as I have family I can stay with if I need
They're happy that I'm not in any physical danger.

Everything has been quiet since the other night and I'm just staying out of the way.

My feelings have totally changed towards him and unless he drastically changes I just don't want to be with him.

I feel anxious most of the time and it's because of this.

MrsJackRussell I feel the same about DH. Unless he changes drastically I don't want to be with the person he's become. I love and miss what we had, the person he used to be or maybe just seemed to be. Maybe the person he is now is the real him.

I feel anxious most of the time when he's around and when he's due home. It knots my stomach sometimes to the point that I want to throw up and I can't eat. He's done a few things that mean he triggers my anxiety now. I'm walking on eggshells watching for the next outburst over nothing. I desperately need to rest so I can deal with everything, but hard to do when he makes me feel so anxious.

I have a plan but it's very long term because I can do so little. I'm hoping by the time I'm ready practically I can find the strength to end it. I bounce between planning and feeling like it's all pointless and I'm stuck here in this horrible place till the kids are grown up. Youngest is still a baby so that's just way too long. I hope you can find a way out 💐.

Mrs JackRussell and Lost11235

Can you talk to Womens Aid when he is not around?. It would be really worth your time contacting them.

I would also consider seeking legal advice with a view to separation and divorce from your respective husbands. This is who they really are; the nice act they portray is just that - an act and their nice/nasty cycle is a continuous one. Its not your fault that both these men have declared their own private based war on you people.

Lost - you have young children and it is for them too that you need to leave him sooner rather than later. I would urge you not to raise them within such a household where they are seeing their mother being abused on a daily basis. They will also end up walking on eggshells and become very attuned to detecting and pacifying their fathers rage. They will also not thank you for doing that and may well wonder of you why you put him before them.

We learn about relationships from our parents and this is not a legacy you at all want to be leaving your children. You are married to your H and you do have legal rights that can and should indeed be exercised here. No obstacle to leaving is ultimately insurmountable here.

The only acceptable level of abuse in a relationship is NONE.

Lost that is exactly how I feel. Anxious and in knots.

Is it the real him? He was taking antidepressants for 15 years and has stopped them 4 months ago due to a low sex drive. I think maybe the AD was covering up his real personality and now it's appeared. He doesn't want to go back on them.

I think because you have young children you are in a different situation to me and it will affect them eventually.

My youngest is 17. She actually tries to join in if he's ranting on and if I argue back she has actually joined in and had a go at me. This is worrying.

Thankyou Attilla I think you are right although iv been with him over 20 years and I think this has just crept up.

Before the alcohol it was drugs. He spent every penny we had on it.
He has a lot of issues. I just keep thinking how lovely it would be to live on my own in peace.

Right, who is likely to be your best ally, MrsJR?

A friend, family member, health care practitioner? It doesn’t matter who, but someone you trust who will listen and take you seriously.

He needs to go. It cannot possibly be good for your physical health living in such stress and anxiety, and you need your mental health to stay strong and cope with the challenges in your life.

Get support to kick him out. Does he contribute to finances? You will
Get 25% discount on your council tax as a single householder.

And tell your Dd she needs to mind the way she speaks to you and to show some respect. Maybe speak to her and tell her how hurtful her behaviour is. And then show you won’t stand for it.

He goes first, as fast as you can do it, with the strong message that you won’t even treated like a verbal punchbag in your own home.

Thankyou everyone. So glad I posted here.
Saw my councellor and with posting here as well I feel like my eyes are opening to what is going on.

Can see what's happening the cycle of abuse etc.
It's funny as I'm starting to look back and realise that this has been happening for a long time albeit not as bad.

Im seeing how he manipulates me and makes me feel guilty. The little boy lost act to make me feel sorry for him. He doesn't care about me. I can see its all about him and he's played on me being a caring sensitive person he can manipulate. I then think about his good points. He's always buying me thoughtful gifts but now it just makes me feel angry. It's a bit of a show too as he tells others what he's bought and they think he's wonderful.
He cooks every night but won't let me even if I want to. I'm not allowed in 'his' kitchen. Is this controlling? I feel mean having these thoughts.

I think that my illness has brought it out a lot more,
Im not letting him do it anymore. Taking everyday as it comes and at the moment I do want him to leave.

Iv been advised if he starts to ask him to leave if he doesn't call the police. I don't know if I will be strong enough to do this but I'm getting there.

Iv got places to stay with family if I want to get away at a moments notice and I have told them what's happening. It's taken a while for it to sink in with them though. I think they thought it was just arguments.

Sorry I do paragraphs then it doesn't work

MrsJR it is a huge step and really strong that you have told your family what is happening. I am glad you did that.

He probably thinks he loves you but his drug use and alcohol dependency mean that his behaviour results in the exact opposite of what love should bring to a relationship.

How dare he have spent your money on drugs?

Good luck OP, you sound clear and strong.

Life is far too short and far too precious to waste on users who abuse us.

Thank you yes life is too short to be miserable.

If you informally rent the house from a relative, can't you speak to the relative and get them to evict your DH?

He will have to go to a letting agency like anyone else and arrange to rent somewhere on his own. If he can't afford it, he'll have to go into a house share.

Iv told him today I don't want to be with him anymore and I would like him to leave. He won't have it. Begging crying pleading for another chance. Iv said my feelings have changed and I want to live on my own.

He says he's been a good husband and looked after me and gives me what I want. Money etc. He always takes charge of what he earns and just gives me random cash. He won't accept it. I feel so guilty. I'm angry too. I have been really blunt about how I feel. He says Iv been cruel. I feel so down and have done the last few weeks. Could curl up and die but I won't.

He thinks that I'm depressed and need medication and to go GP. I feel like he's twisting it and saying the depression has caused me to feel like this about him.

He came up to me earlier and cuddled me. I'm thinking how can you do this knowing how I feel. I feel awful and feel
Iike I'm going mad. Am I a cruel person.

He won't talk to me now as Iv called him an alcoholic.

Will he leave if you ask him to? If so, ask/tell him. Do you have an assured shorthold tenancy? If so, your family member can adjust it to take him off by ending the AST and writing a new one or can send you a Section 21 to evict you both but allow you to stay. This is a little bit dodgy, but if you don’t have an AST (you said you rent informally) then he can be asked to leave, although if he insists on it being the marital home, it may be hard if he unwilling to leave.

You sound strong and determined. Don’t allow him back into your heart, he’s abusing you.

You're not a cruel person, he is.
He knows you're truly unhappy being with him but yet he won't leave and let you be happy. Its his actions that have led to this he only has him self to blame, no doubt he always thought you'd forever stick around and take his shit because of the kindness hes seen you show, he always saw you as a push over and now he's angry that you've grew a backbone. Hes desperately trying to get control back. Keep on being firm with him.

too little too late comes to mind!