Is this abuse? Can't stand it anymore.

[mrsjackrussell]

Iv been disabled for around 6 years and gradually getting worse think similar to MS life limiting illness but I cop well.

My dh the last few years has gotten miserable irritable and angry with me.

He gets in these moods where he rants at me so much I end up crying and frustrated. He backs me into a corner with his arguments. It happens every couple of weeks and he's just horrible.
I'm ashamed to say that I get so frustrated I end up hurting myself.
We've been seeing a councilor but it hasn't gotten much better now all of my feelings for him have gone as I feel it's gone to far.

He's got a lot of issues from his childhood and says he loves me and can't live without me etc but surely if you loved someone you wouldn't treat them like this.
Iv been honest and told him now how I feel and that my feelings have changed but I can't leave as I haven't got anywhere to go and neither has he.

Iv told him I just need to be left alone for now and with the councillors help we've agreed some boundaries.

Tonight he's started crying and says iv changed towards him and he can't lose me etc. He's insinuated suicide and I feel so guilty but angry. The crying just doesn't seem real to me. I'm not really sure what I'm asking you all but where do I go from here?

Oh and he's a functioning alcoholic too and has been for years. I'm not even sure how much he drinks.

To top it all off I mentioned this to my health care team and they've referred me to safeguarding so I'm really worried about that.

Iv asked him to leave and he won't. Today has been awful. I feel like I can't just throw him out as he's no where to go.
It's a horrible situation.

Hi op

I could have written your post.

My dh isn't an alcoholic but clearly not coping af the moment.

I too have a lot of health issues and recently been in hospital. My dh hasn't been at all supportive and we have had similar arguments like you and your dh where I end up crying and he has also threatened to end the relationship where I said fine, but then he said he didn't mean it when he knew he'd loose me and I was being serious and agreeing.

He won't get help for his own depression and I just don't know how I can help him anymore when I have to think of looking after myself. I feel like I have another teenager in the house.
Feel free to pm me. As It seems we are going through something very similar.

I am sure it is extremely upsetting and difficult.

The thing is, he can find somewhere to go. I would give him a deadline.

I too would give him a deadline and tell him to go.

@Thatsalovelycuppatea
That does sound very similar to my situation and from an outsiders point of view I would say what everyone has been saying to me and leave for the sake of your mental and physical health. It's easy to say when it's not you.

@Cherrysoup
Yes we rent informally so I could theoretically just tell him to leave which I did yesterday.

Last night and yesterday was like mental torture.
I ended up just getting in bed feeling so depressed. He's not going to go without a fight.

I feel totally worn down. He's been moaning and crying very dramatically, says he's having panic attacks feeling ill etc. He's very much the drama queen. I don't know if it's real or not. I can't take anymore so just said to shut him up I will give him another chance. I don't mean it though .

Iv been speaking to my family members and one of them said why can't you give it another go at least he's not hitting you. Made me feel totally crap.

Iv started keeping an online journal because I feel like I'm going mad. I can look back and see that I wasn't.

Hi Jack I hope your OK I've nothing to add as I'm going through similar it's scary how much he sounds like my ex, it could be him. Right down to the drink drugs and shitty childhood. Over the years I've just switched off my feelings. He calls me heartless but I see through his crying fits. I haven't told people what's been going on because I'm so embarrassed I let it happen for so long. He won't accept its over its been 2 weeks now and he just sends me hundreds and hundreds of texts, leaving me presents etc, then turns on me and then says be loves me. It's eye opening as I didn't realise until recently this was happening to me. The constant feeling of being anxious the knot in the stomach he's really got into my head. Although I'm not with him I still feel scared like he's still around me I'm so sorry your going through this. I hope you find some way out you don't deserve this

@ImTakingTheEssence
Good on you for ending it. It's a big step. Although it's not physical abuse it's very subtle and like you I think Iv switched my feelings off to it over the years but now it's escalated and I'm finally seeing what's happening but I'm still questioning myself particularly when family don't take me seriously.

I'm scared although he's never been violent it's mental torture. My anxiety is through the roof. If he'd just hit me at least I'd have something physical and I wouldn't keep second guessing myself.

It's never actually felt like he's ever been interested in me as a person. He never asks me about myself and how I feel and strangely talks about me in the third person and calls me 'my wife'. I hate that.

I hope you can get him to leave. Your story resonates with me. I had a frightening illness, which might return as nobody knows what it was, but it’s made me realise how much worse my position would be if I was permanently reliant on my periodically abusive husband.

Pity you can’t move out yourself as he’s obviously determined not to make it easy for you. Is there someone who can help you to get him to leave?

“says he's having panic attacks feeling ill”

And meanwhile you are miserable, anxious and self harming.

So, whose life is more important?

OP, it is depressing but not surprising that your family member takes such an attitude . Are there other relationships like this in your background? Did your Mum put up with abusive shit from your Dad?

I fully understand that it is easy to talk about leaving or kicking someone out and mich harder in practice.

But this man is doing all he can to manipulate you. You have rightly identified him as a drama queen.

What person with any respect and self respect would want to stay with anyone who wants them gone? A man with more interest in free / cheap housing than in the relationship, that’s who.

OP, and others going through this, look up The Freedom Programme. You can do it online.

OP, I am sorry your family are letting you down, but I am guessing your counsellor will see things more clearly.

Look after yourself.

Yes but my mother was the abuser toward me. Very angry shouty. It has affected my whole life. Although she's OK now. I thought she was on my side.
She's actually asked me if iv been horrible to him.
I'm out for a walk now to get away and clear my head.
I don't think that anyone would help me get him out.

They seem to think he's wonderful. I'm just going to keep my head down for now.

I'm regretting asking him to leave because of all the crap that's come with it.

I will look up the freedom programme. Thankyou

A walk to clear your head is good.

And baby steps, OP.

Be firm with your Mum.”no mum, you know full well he had a drug problem, you know full well he has an alcohol problem. And when you are not around he is abusive and insulting. I am your daughter. This is the time I need you to stick up for me and be on my side “.

It’s hard OP, but keep hold of your perspective. It’s not you, it’s him. It’s not you: it’s them.

Picture yourself literally with a Teflon coating. Let his shit bounce right off. Say to yourself “this will not reach me. Water off a ducks back” and picture his words just dripping off you.

@redbarrow

Thankyou so much for your advice

He's been acting on his best behaviour today. He went out and got himself a sponsor to quit alcohol. Just acting so normal nothing like yesterday.

But I can't forget the way he's treated me. I don't want or need the stress so I'm just going to keep my head down for now. I feel so angry though. Like it's turned me into this horrible person.

How can someone just change like that?

MrsJR, being nice is a well known part of the cycle.

Keep your resolve in the back of your mind. Remind yourself that you can’t stand it any more and you have a right to live happily.

Of course he will fight back and very nastily to protect his interests; housing subsidised by your family!

But build your resolve. Do look at the Freedom Programme, and keep talking to your counsellor.

Also knowledge is power. Without him you would be eligible for a 25% council tax discount, work out your finances.

Good luck.

That’s horrible that he won’t just leave when you’ve asked him to. Which family member is it that owns your house? Is it the one telling you to try again as at least he doesn’t hit you??

You need to get your family member to terminate the informal tenancy so that he has no choice but to leave.

So this has happened.

I couldn't stand him going on at me anymore. It went on for days crying, begging, he can't live without me etc. I couldn't fight him anymore and he was making me feel so guilty. Eventually I was so tired and drained I said I would give him another chance. I know I know I feel a fool but I just couldn't see an end to it and I was mentally and physically drained.

He tried to minimise the way I feel by saying all this was over an argument that all married couples have. He told me that I should see the GP as he was worried about my mental health but he caused it.

I still feel the same way. I can really see what he is up to now. I'm definitely not falling for anything. I don't trust him at all. Iv told him that I don't like him anymore,don't fancy him, don't feel safe with him, and he makes me anxious but he still wants to be with me. He says that he knows I love him as he can see it in my eyes.

He has gone somewhere for alcohol support and has got a sponsor and has set a day this week to stop. He is also starting to see a councellor. I am getting a mattress for my spare room so I can have my own space.

I can't see me getting back with him as it's gone too far and my eyes have now opened.

Oh and he's started talking about sex and how horny I make him feel. Iv told him it's inappropriate considering what's been going on. He even groped me yesterday. He said he couldn't help it

It's my dad that owns the house and no he's not the one being unsupportive.

Please get your father to send something formally terminating the agreement re the house. Are you paying rent?

Why is he setting a date this week to stop drinking and not just stopping now?

Why are you going to be in the spare room?

This is all wrong-you just need to tell him.

I want my own space and in our bedroom there is a shower he uses. I want a space no one else comes in.

Yes we pay a minimal amount of rent. I know he won't go without a fight and I don't need the stress. I can escape to my room and I will be fine.
I see a councellor and it is making me stronger.

Oh mrsjackrussell this sounds awful and so wearing. It’s not healthy that your family are getting so involved or taking his side in this way.

In fact it’s demonstrating your leaky boundaries and why your early relationship teaching has helped you get where you are today! Ie... with your feelings being ignored, twisted and trampled on, and everyone else’s (fleeting & fake) emotions being prioritised over your desperate and very real emotional needs.

I have a mother who devalued me at every turn too, and would have sided with my abusive stbxh if I’d given her the chance. Luckily we lived 200 miles away from her. Well, I say luckily, it’s more by design than by accident that I ended up very far away!

Anyway, I think you need help getting away, and do not rely on your family at all. Chose a couple of clear sentences to say to them which don’t allow them to flap around enabling him and forcing you to back down, and that’s all the involvement they get to have. Please phone Women’s Aid. And tell your GP and other health care people that you are trapped in this relationship, he refuses to move out, just because he’s not physically hurting you isn’t reason enough to make you safe and well. There’s such a thing as emotional abuse, and coercive control.

MrsJR, this thing about ‘at least he doesn’t hit you. You said “I'm ashamed to say that I get so frustrated I end up hurting myself.”

Firstly, and emphatically, you have nothing to feel shame for, you have done nothing wrong. But the main point is, his emotional abuse becomes physical abuse because of the effect he has on you. This is co-revive control. It is recognised in the mainstream since The Archers storyline.

He blames you, gaslights you, and turns you against yourself. His violence by proxy.

How dare he grope you!

He is trying every way to manipulate him.

Stay strong and clear.

If he groped you again I would say very firmly ‘no means no and if you try that again I will call the police”

Ultimately he needs to leave your house. As soon as possible,

Co-ercive, not ‘revive’