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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Husband using child's bike seat with no straps

62 replies

CircleofWillis · 27/05/2019 08:48

Please help me to see if I am overreacting here. My husband rides a bike with a front bike seat for our daughter.

We have had it for many years and two years ago the plastic broke around the area where one of the straps are attached. This means that there is no way of securing her in her seat.

As soon as I found out I asked him to stop using it and he refused. I suggested we buy another bike seat and he refused. I bought another bike seat and he refused to use it. It is now too small for my daughter. I even thought about removing the old bike seat when he wasn't about but wouldn't have been brave enough to throw it away so didn't.

Today he is planning a 30 minute trip into central London with our child in the bike seat. I've asked him not to and told him how upset and anxious it makes me feel and even pointed out to him that if something happens he will probably be OK but she has a good chance of being seriously injured or killed on the roads. He has called me controlling and over dramatic and says he rides slowly and is very careful.

He has said this morning that he has been 'looking into new seats'. However he has been saying this off and on since I discovered the lack of straps. He has also said he will 'fix the straps' for this trip. The plastic has completely broken away where the strap would be so I don't believe he can do this.

Am I overreacting or would you let your child continue to ride with him in similar circumstances? I think I am very close now to just disposing of the seat.

My husband has many Asperger traits and can be very rigid and set in his ways. Often trying to insist on something can make him more entrenched in his ideas. I also know that getting rid of the seat without his permission will infuriate him. Am I being controlling or would this action be reasonable given I've tried to convince him on numerous occasions and even bought a new seat.

OP posts:
seahorse85 · 27/05/2019 08:52

Not unreasonable at all!

Definitely get rid of the seat. It might be fine; it might not.

I'd say I'd rather have a furious husband than a seriously injured (or worse) daughter.

No contest in my head OP

I get what you mean about the asbergers traits, but it's a no brainer.

Rocketgirl1 · 27/05/2019 09:02

You are 100% right. You can’t take any risks. If necessary, throw the seat away and brace yourself for the backlash.

How old is your daughter?

Original poster
CircleofWillis · 27/05/2019 09:12

Thank you Seahorse and Rocket. I just needed someone else's perspective to know I wasn't overreacting and other people would find this worrying too.

She is a small 5year old. Which is why she still fits into the seat after so many years. It is unfortunately too late for today. They are about to leave but I am going to take the spanner to the seat tonight. I'll then sit him down with a laptop and we'll order a new seat together tonight. Or if he refuses I'll just order one myself.

Unfortunately I'm very short so have never been able to fit a child's seat on my own bike.

OP posts:
combatbarbie · 27/05/2019 09:17

They are going anyway and you are allowing it!!!??

MrsElizabethShelby · 27/05/2019 09:18

Op what the hell? Grow a backbone and refuse to let her get on that bike! I don't care if I cause a screaming neighbour curtain twitching row over it!

That's your baby! Are you mad?!?!

RainbowWaffles · 27/05/2019 09:25

For a start, even a small 5 year old is too big to be riding on the front of a bike let alone in a seat where the straps don’t do up, that’s completely idiotic and dangerous. Chuck the seat and buy a more age appropriate rear mounted seat.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 27/05/2019 09:25

There is no circumstances in which she should be travelling on that bicycle.

Has he been formally diagnosed as being on the ASD spectrum?.

RHTawneyonabus · 27/05/2019 09:26

You child is not strapped to a bike which is about to be ridden to central London?

You cannot let this happen! Your DD’s safety comes above all else she could be killed or seriously injured. Can you catch up with them in the car? You need to move hell and high water to stop this.

wombat1a · 27/05/2019 09:28

Originally I would have said get rid of it but your update says she is 5 then really there is no need for them. She doesn't need straps to hold her onto a chair without her falling off does she?

I notice you make no mention of cycle helmets - if they (with of him and her) do not have one then that would be a case of neither going.

RainbowWaffles · 27/05/2019 09:32

Originally I would have said get rid of it but your update says she is 5 then really there is no need for them. She doesn't need straps to hold her onto a chair without her falling off does she?

You can sit in car seat perfectly well without a seat belt but most people consider the safety aspect to be quite important. I would say more so on a bike.

MrsElizabethShelby · 27/05/2019 09:36

wombat its not about holding on Hmm

TacoTeabagging · 27/05/2019 09:38

Why are you just watching them go?! No straps means no trip surely?!Confused

Original poster
CircleofWillis · 27/05/2019 09:43

They have already left. There was no way of me stopping a grown man from leaving. Which is why my solution is to remove and dispose of the seat.

He is actually a bit neurotic about everyone wearing helmets which is strange considering the circumstances.

He has not been formally diagnosed with Aspergers but my daughter is autistic and when she was diagnosed her paediatrician and psychologist on hearing his history and current sensitivities agreed that he would probably get a diagnosis too. He feels more comfortable thinking of himself as Aspergers and doesn't know if he wants a formal diagnosis.

OP posts:
MrsElizabethShelby · 27/05/2019 09:44

OP I really hope your on the wind up here. Who would genuinely be so flippant with their child's life? One parent adamant on placing them in danger regardless of the consequences and the other too afraid of her husband's reaction to stand up for the safety of her child.

I would have smashed that chair to bits long ago.

Please to God be on the wind up.

Likeamobvie · 27/05/2019 09:45

I cycle with a child seat and I can't even fully explain how stupid he is being. It is not about how safe he is, it only takes one car driver to not look enough or make a mistake and your child will go flying. The chances of death are extremely high in that scenario. Even if parts of the plastic are broken he shouldn't be using it, the whole seat is part of the safety features.
I really can't believe you would put your baby at risk because your husband might get angry?

Original poster
CircleofWillis · 27/05/2019 09:46

No MrsElizabeth, I am not on the wind up. I wish I had smashed up the seat ages ago and will do so today.

OP posts:
MrsElizabethShelby · 27/05/2019 09:46

No, you can't stop a grown man from leaving.

You COULD have refused to allow him to take your daughter.

MrsElizabethShelby · 27/05/2019 09:49

OP I hope today isn't too late.

I cannot believe you let her go

Original poster
CircleofWillis · 27/05/2019 09:54

MrsElizabeth, actually I couldn't have stopped him from taking his child out. It is not illegal for him to ride with her in this way and as I said before, me insisting on something will only make him dig in deeper.

All that I can do is make sure it doesn't happen again. I think the fact that I have been 'accepting' lesser journeys for two years massively weakens any argument I would have. I think engaging in some kind of physical tussle over my daughter would also risk harming her both physically and psychologically.

OP posts:
Likeamobvie · 27/05/2019 09:55

Also, when you do get a new bike seat, it's not recommended for children of her age to be at the front. In a crash your daughter would basically be his air bag. I would recommend a Hamax, they have a very good safety rating.

ReganSomerset · 27/05/2019 09:59

Good Lord, OP. If he crashes today and she is injured, how will you feel? You'll be partly responsible. If my DH tried to do that I'd have bloody well stopped the bike from going by any means necessary. Bloody hell, i can't believe you put a quiet life ahead of your daughter's safety. I hope she's OK.

Original poster
CircleofWillis · 27/05/2019 10:05

Regan, I hope she is OK far more than you possible could.

OP posts:
SureTry · 27/05/2019 10:12

I would have smashed that seat off the bike if necessary. Not a chance in hell would my child be on that bike today.

MrsElizabethShelby · 27/05/2019 10:16

So you are with a man who not only puts your daughter in direct danger because of his own dick headed stubbornness but would physically fight you to make sure he could do it?
It's laughable that you are just sitting hoping she is ok.

I would ensure my DC didn't get on that bike. I would have taken the bike out of action if necessary. There would be no physical tussle required.

Are you afraid of your husband op?

ReganSomerset · 27/05/2019 10:17

Regan, I hope she is OK far more than you possible could.

Yet not enough to actually do something to ensure that she is? I'm sorry, OP, I'm never usually this harsh but your post has really shocked me.

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