Husband using child's bike seat with no straps

[CircleofWillis]

Please help me to see if I am overreacting here. My husband rides a bike with a front bike seat for our daughter.

We have had it for many years and two years ago the plastic broke around the area where one of the straps are attached. This means that there is no way of securing her in her seat.

As soon as I found out I asked him to stop using it and he refused. I suggested we buy another bike seat and he refused. I bought another bike seat and he refused to use it. It is now too small for my daughter. I even thought about removing the old bike seat when he wasn't about but wouldn't have been brave enough to throw it away so didn't.

Today he is planning a 30 minute trip into central London with our child in the bike seat. I've asked him not to and told him how upset and anxious it makes me feel and even pointed out to him that if something happens he will probably be OK but she has a good chance of being seriously injured or killed on the roads. He has called me controlling and over dramatic and says he rides slowly and is very careful.

He has said this morning that he has been 'looking into new seats'. However he has been saying this off and on since I discovered the lack of straps. He has also said he will 'fix the straps' for this trip. The plastic has completely broken away where the strap would be so I don't believe he can do this.

Am I overreacting or would you let your child continue to ride with him in similar circumstances? I think I am very close now to just disposing of the seat.

My husband has many Asperger traits and can be very rigid and set in his ways. Often trying to insist on something can make him more entrenched in his ideas. I also know that getting rid of the seat without his permission will infuriate him. Am I being controlling or would this action be reasonable given I've tried to convince him on numerous occasions and even bought a new seat.

Not afraid of him but I have never used violence in my life and would have had to resort to it to stop them from leaving.

Why would it have to resort to violence?

I'm not a violent person either but I would resort to violence to stop my child being hurt. Wouldn't most people?

I live in a place where people see fit to ride bikes and scooters (as in vespas) with their kids balanced on the back or on the front and there are accidents all the time.

Protect your child. Not doing so is negligent.

Regan, have you read that this situation has been going on for two years now? I am not excusing myself at all and should have asked this question ages ago I now see. I thought that there was a possibility that I was being overprotective.

For you this is a sudden shocking bit of information, but for me this is a situation I have tolerated for far too long.

Our life together can be very difficult and this is only one of many differences we have. It can be very difficult to see things in perspective in those circumstances. I have no way of making my husband do something he does not want to do. I think if we were in a better place in our marriage he would want to do what makes me comfortable but we are not in that place at the moment and have not been for a while for many reasons.

You seem afraid of him OP and he seems unreasonable.

OP, are you saying that he's so convinced of his own will that you saying "I'm not happy with this" just results in him saying "tough shit, deal with it you loser"?

You mentioned in your OP that you wouldn't be "brave enough" to throw away the broken seat. What would be the consequences of doing so?

I have a lot of ASD throughout my extended family and none of his described behaviour is ringing any bells, but my "5 Star Abuser" one is going like the clappers.

By not stopping this you are as much to blame as he is if something happens.

He is unreasonable about many things. I can be unreasonable too so also after nearly ten years of marriage to someone with very little emotional intelligence my ability to tell which is the case is why I needed to ask a forum of strangers how I should be feeling about this situation.

Are any of you on the spectrum or married to someone on the spectrum? If so I think you might understand a bit better.

I read that it's been going on for two years now yes. It just made it more shocking to me. You must have been subjected to gaslighting for a long time to be questioning your own common sense to that extent. ASD does not give someone the right to control their partner or put their child at risk.

The major issue aside.
He’s ignoring your feelings. He has decided that you don’t matter in this. And no doubt in other things.

Is this really how you see the rest of your life.

Furiousvexation,
I have worked for most of my adult life with children and adults with autism and my husband is similar to one or two of the parents of children with ASD I have met.

Difficulty in seeing other people's points of view and rigidity are both common traits in ASD. DSMV says
"Insistence on sameness, inflexible adherence to routines, or ritualized patterns or verbal nonverbal behavior (e.g., extreme distress at small changes, difficulties with transitions, rigid thinking patterns, greeting rituals, need to take same route or eat food every day)"
Which is definitely a trait my husband has.

I acknowledge that I should have dealt with this a long time ago. I am going to deal with it today but jumping into a potentially distressing action is not the way I felt I should have dealt with it this morning. I understand that the people responding on this thread would have handled it differently and I do have to consider what that says about me, my reactions, my husband and the current state of our relationship.

Every human being can be unreasonable at times. I have an unreasonable hatred of avocado, for example.

But my avocado hatred doesn't put my child at risk of harm. It doesn't harm me or put those around me in danger. And I'm not going to insist on avocado-absintence from everyone around me, because if they don't agree about avocados then they obviously HATE ME.

OP you sound very isolated ("forum of strangers" for example.) Are you a SAHM? Do you have close friends and/or family?

X post.

I'm glad if this thread has given you some realisations about your relationship.

I think if you look through this Relationships board there's a thread called "Support for living with a partner who has Apsergers" or similar. Might also be helpful if you decide you want to stay.

Just hope nothing happens to ur dd today. Unlikely it will but it is a huge risk in such a busy place. What if she leans forward?

Should she be in the front anyway? Not sure what the law/safety guidelines are but I think you need to get your facts straight so you can tell him what is acceptable or not.

Furious,
not at all. The galling thing is that I am I highly educated, highly respected consultant who works with vulnerable adults and children.

I tend to be the person my friends turn to for advice about relationships. I do discuss my concerns with friends but of course they would support my side in an issue.

I am senior to most of my colleagues and it would be inappropriate to discuss my home life with them.

I think that until we had a child I was able to scaffold our relationship to a greater degree. We are both quite independent so doing our own thing whenever we wanted felt natural and healthy. It didn't affect the other person. Now that we have a child we both have to work together and have strong opinions on how things should be done. Working full time and taking care of our child takes so much of my time I am not able to scaffold as much as I previously did without even realising. My husband works very little but isn't a SAHD either. He wants to continue to do his own thing all the time but now it does affect other people, me and our daughter. This has led to a great imbalance in our relationship which we have been consciously working on.

Whatever difficulties your husband has - diagnosed or otherwise - you tried to have a conversation about the safety of your daughter, and he refused and has now cycled off into London traffic with an unsecured child on a bike.

Being in a relationship with a person with a learning disability, or mental health issues is complicated. And I understand there are many times where you might need to be more flexible with your stance than someone who is married to a person without these difficulties.

This however was not one of those times.

I think if you look through this Relationships board there's a thread called "Support for living with a partner who has Apsergers" or similar. Might also be helpful if you decide you want to stay.

Thank you Furious! I will head over to there ASAP

She shouldn’t even be in a front seat if she’s five, let alone one with no straps. You need a rear seat that’s appropriate for her height.

I don't understand that you feel you can't stop him. If I were in this position and he'd already left I'd at least call the police (non-emergency number) and ask them to advise if this is legal.
If it is I guess you're stuck but the law is crazy. If it's not call back on the emergency number and have them waiting for him. In either case I'd never forgive my husband if he were that stupid. It just takes one irresponsible driver to hit him at speed and she would be flung onto a possibly busy road/windscreen then road at high speed. Insane.

Unless you have been in a relationship, with small children, with a man with Aspergers Syndrome, you cannot possibly imagine what the OP is dealing with and why she intuitively knew that physical violence would have been needed to prevent this man leaving with his child (his treasured possession, as he likely sees her). Of course violence would have complicated custody matters, which no doubt will be incredibly vicious, as he would - again - see it as stealing his possession away.

You just cannot understand it if you have not live with one of these men.

OP

They have just come back. He decided not to go to central London after all and they went to the park instead.

They are off to the shops now - on foot.

I think this is an indication that he did acknowledge my distress. We are going to talk properly later today. I won't take the seat off until we have had a talk but I will let him know that is what I am going to do today.

They have just come back. He decided not to go to central London after all and they went to the park instead.

They are off to the (local) shops now - on foot.

I think this is an indication that he did acknowledge my distress. We are going to talk properly later today. I won't take the seat off until we have had a talk but I will let him know that is what I am going to do today.

Thank you PicsinRed I suspect you need one of these too 💐

OP are you scared of your husband's reactions?