Would you drop a friend who was having an affair?

[Motherof3feminists]

And had admitted it but minimised it to her DP?
I'm struggling with this as she's complaining to me about the situation but she's caused it and I have no sympathy having had my dh go awol with the ow.

Hmm. It isnt the affair so.much as the disregard for you.

What kind of friend in their right mind would choose you as a confidante knowing what your situation was ;( ?

Affairs suck but they happen. Usually because something is very wrong. I would not cut my friends off for an affair. But I would for self-interest and total lack of social awareness.

Something would have had to have gone very wrong for any of my close friends to have an affair, but these things happen. I'd like to think I'd be there for them to talk to.

I used to be black and white but my perspective has changed over the years.

I wouldn’t break up the friendship but I definitely would make my views known. Which may break the friendship I guess.
I did have a friend have an affair and we were able to discuss it. But she thought I was just against affairs and couldn’t see her point of view, when in fact I was worried about the outcome for her.
It was painfully obviously that she was benefiting from the affair. I thought less of her for playing with another families life for a bit of sex and someone to help pay her mortgage.

I can't police my friends' morals..

And I try not to judge the people I care about.

So no, I would not drop the friendship unless it became emotionally draining, all she ever talked about, etc

Or if it were my husband she was bonking.

No, I wouldn't. Her life, her choices.

I certainly would drop them. I don't want to associate with deceitful people with a broken moral compass.

I would drop them. If they can lie to the faces of their dp and dc, then they can lie to me. I think it just says something repugnant about their character. I don't think of myself as judgy but intentionally hurting and manipulating and lying to people who love you, yes I'd judge that. And whilst pp have alluded to her having her reasons, she can't be that unhappy if she's lying and minimising in order to stay in her primary relationship.

I wouldn’t drop them as a friend, but wouldn’t want to hear about it much. In this case it sounds as if you’re right to distance yourself.

No, it's their business. TBH i only know one who had a ONS with a married man anyway. I know people who revel in being the other woman (sleeping in the marital bed too) and that definitely makes me think they are a big trashy and not wanting to be friends with them at all.

I would dump her for having the selfishness to complain to you knowing what you have been through. Selfish cow.

I would and I have. I cannot tolerate people who have no morals

This ^^

No.

Maybe I'd be less judgemental if my husband hadn't had an affair? Although I've always thought poorly of those who cheat so maybe not. I think I need to work on my boundaries again 😩

I think, never having been in this situation, that my difficulty wouldn't be someone making a mistake. I think the issue for me would be how I imagine a person would be so totally consumed by the affair and its aftermath. That's like a relationship black hole for everybody. No other experience or topic of conversation would ever reach the fever pitch of the affair so I imagine said friend would be preoccupied to the point of the friendship losing her interest during times we weren't discussing it.

In the circumstances I did. A close friend cheated on her husband, then dumped him with no warning and started acting like someone completely different yet wanted to keep the friendship with me going as if nothing had changed. I couldn’t maintain a friendship with her knowing how much she’d devastated her lovely husband, who she’d vowed to stay with forever just a few years previously.

No, actually. I'd be pretty critical with them but my friends are my friends, even if they're acting erroneously.
This.
I wouldn't drop them as a friend. At some point the house of cards will crash down and the fantasy will end and at that point she'll need support.

But, I wouldn't be willing to cover for her to make plans and I certainly wouldn't be willing to be an unpaid therapist whilst they sit and dwell on their other man.

I could maybe forgive a mistake but this was very much planned from the start and each encounter has been planned. The continued lies and deception really affect how I think of her.

I'd tell her I think it's a terrible thing to do and that I don't want to hear about it.

I have, but not exactly for the affair. I generally take the view that it is none of my business. She met someone she worked with but they decided to hold until kids were through exams etc. Not great, I didn’t approve but it seemed like the least damaging way of dealing with things. But over time it became clear that there was no plan to leave just an ongoing fantasy. They started to bring their families together and introduce spouses to each other, kids all became great friends, etc. He mad her a partner in his business too. I was the only one that knew. It was so deceitful and so manipulative. They created a situation that had the potential to turn a big crisis into a monumental crisis for their spouses and kids. The breaking point was at a party at her house for her birthday where she arranged that he and his wife gave me a lift. I realised I was a cover to show all was above board when I knew it wasn’t. It was just wicked and I couldn’t be part of it.

Interestingly it’s been 3-4 years now and I have never heard from her husband, despite us being great friends before I shut it off. I suspect he knows full well why I have distanced myself but doesn’t want to confront it and is hoping it will blow over. Maybe it has.

No , it's not up to you to judge her. Be a friend and be there for her. You can be honest with her and tell her you're irritated by her behaviour of wanting sympathy.

This happened to me. My friend (the other woman) is now with said guy she had an affair with and miserable. Just let it play out.

No, of course not! I'm not that pious and judgmental. It's her affair (pun intended). If she asks my opinion, I'd tell her she's going to be in and cause a lot of pain but otherwise, I'd keep my mouth shut.

I always wonder about the 'none of my business' argument. People who say that: what makes something 'your business'?

Things which directly affect you (someone stealing from you but not someone stealing from a shop).
Things which are illegal (feeding the homeless or helping undocumented immigrants are both illegal in some US states, for instance, as was being gay in the UK until 1967).
Things which are violently abusive? but not things which are just emotionally cruel (like gas-lighting your partner and making her feel responsible for the emotional distance which is being created by your own secret affair)?

I find it hard not to think badly of someone who deceives and cheats on a long term basis, though I am well aware that marriages are very complicated, not black and white, and often impossible to understand even for the people who are actually in them.

I haven't been in this position so cant say.

But, I would be wondering if a that person could be so disloyal and callous to their partner. Are they really going to be a good friend to me.

That would weigh on my mind.

It depends. Ido have friends who have had affairs; I dropped one whose lies crossed some undefined line with me.

When I was a young teenager, my parents' best friends split up because he had had an affair, and I remember my mother saying that when a couple splits (whether through an affair or not,) you find you are really friends with one sid

...friends with one side more than the other, and you can't stay equal friends with both.