Would you drop a friend who was having an affair?

[Motherof3feminists]

And had admitted it but minimised it to her DP?
I'm struggling with this as she's complaining to me about the situation but she's caused it and I have no sympathy having had my dh go awol with the ow.

No, it's none of my business. I would drop someone for other things (taking up hunting/puppy or kitten farming to name but two), but not for having an affair. Probably because it wouldn't particularly 'upset' me and I wouldn't feel in a position to judge too much. Oh, and I have been on the receiving end of an affair.

Trust me when I say if she can do it to another woman she will do it to you.
She has lied and gaslight her 'd'p.
You can't trust a person Like that.

I think this isn’t just about the affair. The OP has been badly hurt by an affair and her friend is being very insensitive to moan to her about how it is for her being the OW. I think I’d distance myself from her at the very least.

My boss knew someone years ago that ran off with another (married) man. They were good friends and she said she wouldn't ditch her because when/if it went wrong she would need someone and she had burned so many bridges that she didn't have many friends left. It's a tough one though

My best friend had affairs. Her husband is an abusive drug addict and I felt for her. She repaid my love and support of her by having an affair with my husband and hiding it from me for 8 years

Just to clarify the person she's having the affair with is single. She's told her DP that it was just once and some time ago. Yes it was once years ago and then several times recently and continued after she'd admitted it. Same man.
They have kids and the kids are aware and struggling and I really can't give advice as I have no sympathy for her but feel sorry for the kids. I dissuaded her from having the affair and pointed out the risks to her family but she went ahead anyway.

I hate lies and it's hard hearing about the kids and holding my tongue on what I think. I've already distanced myself over the past months.

My now exH had an affair and left for the OW and my kids are still deeply affected by that and it was years ago. So I judge her for knowingly and willingly doing this to her family as she knew what would happen. Her Dp has said he'll forgive her as it was just once but of course it's not.

@Iamnobirdandnonetensnaresme

That is brutal, I hope you dropped her quicker than a hot potato

Christ, some people are such nasty pieces of work aren't they. I'm single so at least she can't steal my OH. I'm sorry that some of you have been shit on by your "friends."

@Iamnobirdandnonetensnaresme

That's awful. I'm so sorry you were betrayed like that.

no. it's not for me to judge

Yes I would. I prefer my friends to have morals.

I wouldn't drop her as long as she wasn't trying to involve me in her deception.

Iamnobirdandnonetensnaresme

That's nasty.
I had a friend who was cheating with the boyfriend of one of her own good friends. I was young and silly so stayed friends with her. She wendied me soon after. Lesson learned. Cheaters are not to be trusted.

I would drop a friend who is cheating. If she can do that to someone she ostensibly loves, what could she do to me?

When a friend behaves selfishly and unkindly, it affects how we see them. Once you lose respect for a person and no longer like how they behave, what is left of the friendship?
I think a true friend wouldn't dump all this information on you, putting you in the horrible position of colluding with her to lie to her husband. Particularly with your particular history. So yes, the friendship would be over for me.

I don't think anyone can really know what anyone's going through with something like this, there could be a multitude of feelings and emotions that aren't even talked about and maybe she needs support herself.

I wouldn't ever dump a friend for this alone and would've hated any of my friends to have even judged me when I went through it.

If it was this coupled with other changes of behaviour, regular selfish patterns etc then yes, but if it's just this and they're the same person they always were otherwise, I'd be supportive and try and figure out what is causing them to make these decisions!

No. My friends are free to make their own decisions, however poor they may be.

I'd just request to be completely kept out of it, which would extend to being told all about it too.

I have said that I won't comment further on the situation but I still get WhatsApp messages about it all. Her Dp doesn't deserve this and I told her originally that I wouldn't lie for her if he asked me anything. I now dread bumping into him and him asking me for details. She's annoyed that her family now know because he's told them and also her kids know and are thinking they are splitting up.

Once upon a time I was the other woman and 3 of my closest friends at the time have never spoken to me again.
Having been the OW I wouldn’t drop a friend but would certainly feel able to give some harsh words of advice from someone who’s been there and realises how stupid it was

For you OP, after your own personal trauma I don't think this is a viable friendship at all.
For me, it is highly likely it would naturally fizzle-out anyway because often people like this are quite self-centred/absorbed.

I like to have friends I can rely on with good morals that I can trust, and she would definitely be relegated in my mind.

She's not reliable, no. I've lost tack of the cancelled get togethers and I've started not making plans with her now. I felt like her personal therapist to start with but like I said, I've distanced myself lately.

It is pretty selfish and cheeky to expect sympathy from someone who has been cheated on!

There we have it. The person who does shitty things is also a shitty friend. Surprise! 🤔

Just drop her, OP. Life's to short for that shit.

Yeah, she's not the best friend to be honest. I've not heard from her much this week actually since I gave my opinion on things so maybe I needn't worry as she might well have dumped me! I've always been pretty straight with her but I've never been as honest with her about my opinion as I could have been as I didn't want to hurt her. She's hurting herself, her Dp, her kids, the bloke she's seeing and her family who are all aware of what's going on. I feel quite sorry for the bloke as she keeps telling him she's splitting with her Dp then they are getting back together so she can't see him anymore. He must be tired of the swapping and changing every week. He shouldn't have got involved and I don't think much of him either but she's messing him around too.

I guess it all boils down to selfishness.

Depends on the circumstances. Purposely chasing married partners yes I would drop. But I had a male friend going through a difficult divorce who confided he had a dalliance with a married friend. I didn't approve and told him that but I still support him as a friend. He is going through hell at home, so much stress, his mental health is probably struggling, he must be lonely etc. I understand how it could happen in these circumstances.

I would and I have. I can't be close friends with someone who's moral compass is so different to mine.