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Original poster

To marry now or later...

53 replies

rosetonightplease · 26/05/2019 13:31

have two choices either a registrar's office wedding with no guests (but baby born within wedlock) or wait and have a "big" wedding with just my side of the family (they live overseas and I haven't had a big wedding before whereas he has).
My first wedding was like I could have in the next couple of months and I found that to be utterly depressing and one of the saddest days of my life BUT I'd like to be married before baby is here. I wish I could do it all by post! I know it makes not legal difference apart from re-registering the birth and I can have a party in a few years (when we can save for tickets for 7 transatlantic tickets...) And we have no local friends so an "intimate" dinner is out of the question.

OP posts:
FuriousVexation · 26/05/2019 13:38

Well obviously do the one you want? They really don't give a shit how many friends you have!

LOLing at you had a nightmare so now you can't do the cheap option.

FanSpamTastic · 26/05/2019 13:40

Do you want to "get" married or do you want to "be" married?

For me it was never about the ceremony - it was about the after, the being married. I'd have been quite happy to nip out one afternoon to the registrar's and not even tell anyone!

It sounds like you want to just be married before the baby comes - so go and do it now. Like you say - you can always have a big family "do" in the future.

Original poster
rosetonightplease · 26/05/2019 13:41

What nightmare?

OP posts:
HermioneWeasley · 26/05/2019 13:41

Why the drama?

If you want to be married, go to the registry office and get it done. I have no idea why that would be depressing, or what the problem was last time?

Original poster
rosetonightplease · 26/05/2019 13:43

It's the "being" married. To be able to use the world "husband" without people eye rolling... We use it between us but I know that's not the "norm".

OP posts:
Original poster
rosetonightplease · 26/05/2019 13:44

Well it was very sad to not have anyone with me. It's a constant reminder that I'm almost alone (no friends nor family).

OP posts:
MrsTerryPratchett · 26/05/2019 13:44

You're going to pay for 7 people to fly over? Wow.

And am I reading it that you've both been married before?

Pipandmum · 26/05/2019 13:45

If it’s important to you to be married before baby comes do the registry office thing then have a marriage blessing later.
Not sure why you would do that ‘with just my side of the family’? And why do you have to pay for the tickets?

SleepingStandingUp · 26/05/2019 13:45

Op why can't you have guests at a registry office do? Invite whoever you want. Back to yours for tea and cakes if money is so tight.

Or wait if a big wedding is what you want but his family don't get an invite cos you had to have a registry office do last time seems unfair.

Would his family pay for their own flights to attend and meet baby? Small do now, big party I na few years?

CatPunsFreakMeowt · 26/05/2019 13:46

If you call him your husband when you aren’t married I can see why you get a few eye rolls!

Are you pregnant now? I don’t see the mad rush to be married before the birth if you’ve conceived out of wedlock? Confused

Original poster
rosetonightplease · 26/05/2019 13:49

Yes, we've been married before. We both have children (thus the 7 tickets children plus his mom).

OP posts:
SleepingSloth · 26/05/2019 13:52

It's a bit old fashioned to feel the need to be married before you have a baby, especially when the baby has already been conceived. Just do what will make you happy.

SleepingStandingUp · 26/05/2019 14:01

So he has 6 kids in America?

I don't think you can have a big wedding and exclude his kids.

Registry office do with bare minimum then big party with them.

Original poster
rosetonightplease · 26/05/2019 14:05

No, they're all here in the UK, but obviously we'd have to take all children with us. I know it's very old fashioned and I was going to appoint him my NOK but we might as well just get married! (Which we plan to anyways but it's the logistical side that always brings things to a holt).

OP posts:
SleepingStandingUp · 26/05/2019 14:07

Why would you have the big party abroad??

Thehop · 26/05/2019 14:09

I’m really struggling to follow

Eggshellnutmeg · 26/05/2019 14:26

Just do both? Get married quietly then have a big do with a humanist registrar later

FinallyHere · 26/05/2019 14:31

This ^

Wot @Eggshellnutmeg said

Original poster
rosetonightplease · 26/05/2019 14:43

@because all of my friends and family live abroad. I didn't like not have anyone at mine (from my side) and refuse to have that happen again. Because he's already had a big wedding he's said it's only fair I have it my way

OP posts:
EnjoyItAll · 26/05/2019 14:46

I don't understand the party abroad in a few years thing. If you want to get married abroad I get it but to get married here and fly people to a party doesn't make sense. have the full wedding here and have the abroad destination as your honeymoon or have I read something wrong? we got married abroad and I would never put anyone off as it was the best decision for us but we only had to pay for us 2 and guests chose if they wanted to come or not but paid their own flights and accommodation

EnjoyItAll · 26/05/2019 14:48

cross post with your update which makes sense. I guess it boils down to whats important. if it's the wedding day itself with family and friends wait. if it's the legal contract registry office and do vow renewal type thing or blessing how you want when you can afford it

Kaiylee · 26/05/2019 14:56

Ask yourself how soon you want to be married. If you're saving for 7 transatlantic flights plus a wedding it could take a very long time. The flights alone could be £3-£4K depending on time of year, exact destination.

You can just get married here and now then have a huge celebration later on once you can afford it, say for your anniversary or something.

I know a few people who got married here with minimal fuss then had a huge party abroad where relatives were. Some did the party soon after others did it a while later.

Kaiylee · 26/05/2019 14:57

If your wedding is one of the saddest days of your life you're marrying the wrong person imo.

BogglesGoggles · 26/05/2019 15:01

If you are in the UK then marriage is, leagally speaking, important. Especially if you are going to make compromises in your career as a result of having your child. I wouldn’t delay.

Original poster
rosetonightplease · 26/05/2019 15:12

@Kaiylee and that's why I got divorced!
@BogglesGoggles not very relevant to us. I'm the main bread winner and just got promoted. All capital is mine so I dont benefit in any way. Besides when I got divorced it made no difference that my career got a massive hit for being a good wife.

OP posts: