DS says his dad's flat is 'home' not mine.

[Nomintrude]

I've been trying not to take it personally but this weekend he said it again and I've just plummeted into an anxious mess tbh. DS (6) keeps saying he wants to go 'home' while he's at my flat (ie at home!) - meaning his dad's. He's with me 5 nights out of seven. He says it's because he has more space there, because of Minecraft, because his dad takes him for walks along the canal and because his granny and grandpa are nearby (ex's parents have just moved from 3 hours away to 10 minutes down the road).
I just feel so miserable about it. We used to have such a lovely time together and now it's quite hard to get him to engage with anything. He mainly wants screen-based stuff. Any time he's not happy with something I've said or asked him to do, he says he wants to go home. I feel awful that he doesn't feel like this is his home and knowing that he struggles with feeling like he wants to be in both places at once . What on earth can I do? This is a relatively recent thing but he's been saying it on and off for a couple of months now, at least a couple of times a week. I'm hurt about it which I don't show obviously but mainly I'm worried about what is going on in his head.

Any advice would be so appreciated.

Further info to avoid drip-feeding

• his dad's flat is where we used to live together, it's me who moved. We're about a 5 minute walk away.
• I have a partner who DS gets on really well with.
• ex and I split three years ago but had to stay living together for a while for financial reasons
• DS has autism, I strongly suspect my ex does too. They tend to do exactly the same things together every weekend.

his dad's flat is where we used to live together, it's me who moved. We're about a 5 minute walk away.

I suspect this is where the 'home's bit comes from so try not to take that too personally.

But we've been living where we are for 18 months and this is a recent thing.

thats painful, but i would advise you not to panic- it sounds like for this 6 yr old 'home is where the screens are' - sigh- but also are the 5 days school/work days- whereas the 2days are weekends/hols/fun times? if so it might be that he is associating yours with drudge and dads with pleasure? is there any wriggle room in the schedules?

i do think its a bit par for the course that some kids will naturally/unthinkingly try and exploit the situation: eg dad lets me have chocolate, i want chocolate, i prefer dad etc etc. so i would hold firm and be confident- you're mum and youre not going anywhere! - at the same time i would also explore/dig deeper to see if there are other things going on in his schedule/life/arrangements that you can tweak/adjust.

Please don't take it personally from the sounds of it he has more screen based freedom and can do what he wants. Kids don't understand they need structure when all they want to do is play.

Sounds as though he just wants that familiar space when he feels anxious or upset. I would try as pp said, not to take it personally.

How long have you had your new place for?

his dad's flat is where we used to live together, it's me who moved.

Agree with Bunnybigears - that’s why. It’s not you, it’s that your flat is new and less familiar. Appreciate it must be hard to hear, though.

I agree it is likely because it was 'home' to you all until fairly recently.
If you had stayed put and his dad had moved it's his dad who would be hearing what you are now.
I definitely don't think it's personal.
I would just continue as you are making memories in your new home.

We've been here 18 months.

I think part of it is that I worry he has a better time with his dad. We split every weekend because my ex works on Sundays, so he takes him for Saturday and brings him back Sunday. I've tried to do fun things on Sundays with him but it never seems to work out. With his autism it can be really difficult to find the right 'thing'.
Also he was having a lot of screen time but both his dad and I have agreed to stop this for now as it's become so addictive for him. Will gradually reintroduce some screen time but that's out of the picture atm.

it ls really good that his dad is on board with reducing screen time- better for everybody.

would decorating his room help? praps him chosing some paint and painting with you would be fun- and putting up his favourite pictures?

try andmake sure your sundays are sometimes led by him-

it sounds like you're doing really well, honestly. the fact that he confides in you shows how open your relationship os...

you seem to have an amicable arrangement with your ex, and are co-parenting OK? It will all work out fine and he will have a good relationship with both of you. Don't read too much into the word choice of a 6 year old.
Just relax and do what feels right with him, you don't have to lean over backwards to try to please him on Sundays, it isn't a competition, you are raising a child together.

I want to go home! This is home each and every time

Does your partner live with you?

Thank you Helmet. We do have a lovely relationship and we're very cuddly with each other. I've always tried to make him feel he can say anything that's on his mind. It can be hard to know what to take seriously, I'm quite an anxious person and especially because of his autism I don't always know if he's able to express things very well and if it means he's really struggling. I've booked to see a counsellor who does family therapy as well as individual therapy and has worked with children on the spectrum too. There's a bit of a wait though and in the meantime it's gnawing at me.

@slipperywhensparticus that's what I say. He just disagrees with me in quite a matter of fact way!

Re his bedroom - I've tried to make it nice, that's a good idea though and as it's half term we could make a project of it. Thanks for the idea

@ffs74 no my partner doesn't live with me. We'd really like to in the future but given how DS is feeling I'm not sure if another change would be a good thing. Otoh we'd be able to have a garden and a cat which he's always asking for!

@pog100 it's definitely amicable, but can be difficult to get on the same page due to ex's 'eccentricities'.

a thought - looked after dc who didn't live with parent - dc was continually talking about how good it was at parents house - it wasn't - strangely this is common - it can be either that dc is secure with you so can say this - I wander what dc says when they are at your ex's?You will never know -

I bet he says the same on occasion whilst with his dad. “I want mum” etc

He sounds very loved and secure with both sides of his family. Try not to worry, having a regular base and routine must be good for his autism.

Is he saying he wants to go home when you have said no to something?

It’s home to him as you used to live there altogether. It takes quite a long time for kids to except such a big change (new home, new set up, separated parents), in a way the other place is his home but so is the new flat, it might just take a bit longer for him to accept it.

@Nomintrude I was only asking as I thought that might be why he was saying it. I've been in your shoes and had to wait a long time before I added a dp to our home!
I think he's calling his Dads house 'home' because it's where he used to live?
With time he'll feel more settled in the home he shares with you

mumwon do you mean it's common for the child to talk about non resident parent more positively?

The other thing I wonder is with both of them having similarities and ex definitely possibly being on the spectrum, maybe it's easier for them to get into a comfortable routine? Their Saturdays rarely vary - Tesco shop, walk along the canal (which is nice), Minecraft, and now they take the train to his grandparents'. Their recent move has made me feel a bit uncertain as I think it will be good for my ex to have that support but part of me worries about being undermined in some way. His mum is quite controlling.

@ffs74 thanks for your message. Can I ask how long you did wait? Was autism a factor or just separation? I'm weighing up the pros and cons of another move at some point in the future. On the plus side it would give him certainty - we'd be able to buy instead of rent and would be lovely to say "this is home and this is where we're staying", a garden and the possibility of pets would be so good for DS, and it would also make the situation clear for DS as I think the fact that my partner lives somewhere else causes another dimension of confusion. DS likes everyone to be in the same place all the time ideally 😬.
The cons - basically the fact that it's another move and a different set-up to get used to.