DS says his dad's flat is 'home' not mine.

[Nomintrude]

I've been trying not to take it personally but this weekend he said it again and I've just plummeted into an anxious mess tbh. DS (6) keeps saying he wants to go 'home' while he's at my flat (ie at home!) - meaning his dad's. He's with me 5 nights out of seven. He says it's because he has more space there, because of Minecraft, because his dad takes him for walks along the canal and because his granny and grandpa are nearby (ex's parents have just moved from 3 hours away to 10 minutes down the road).
I just feel so miserable about it. We used to have such a lovely time together and now it's quite hard to get him to engage with anything. He mainly wants screen-based stuff. Any time he's not happy with something I've said or asked him to do, he says he wants to go home. I feel awful that he doesn't feel like this is his home and knowing that he struggles with feeling like he wants to be in both places at once . What on earth can I do? This is a relatively recent thing but he's been saying it on and off for a couple of months now, at least a couple of times a week. I'm hurt about it which I don't show obviously but mainly I'm worried about what is going on in his head.

Any advice would be so appreciated.

You sound like a wonderful Mum who is doing everything right to make your DS feel at home.
If it makes you feel any better my 7 year old NT DD says she is leaving home every so often when things aren't going her way or says she prefers Nanna's house (where she is waited on hand and foot).
Think it's just their age?

"Home" will be the label you gave the flat when you were living there. So that's the label he gives it now. It won't have the "home is where the important people are" connotations that is usually given to the word for him - it is literally his label for that building.

He may be mentioning it now because he reached a new developmental stage. Or he may be questioning whether the arrangements as they are now are permanent, or indicating that he wants (you both?) to go "home" and live with his DF, how things used to be. Children don't understand relationships and decisions in the same way adults do. (He loves you. He loves Daddy. He cannot shift his viewpoint to comprehend that you and Daddy do not love each other any more.)

His dad gets all the weekends of chilling and doing nice stuff in the old house where he used to live with all of you, and you do all the school runs and shitwork all week long in a little flat yeah?

I think firstly id cut dads access to every other weekend, and maybe one evening during the week where he can do school run.

Hes associating his dad with all the fun stuff, and you with all the stress

it can be - also they can take the role of playmate rather than parent so as the parent who works & has to do housework while the dc is around & has to be a parent (ie discipline taking & supporting schooling etc)

I still sometimes refer to going home when visiting my parents house and I'm in my 50's and obviously have my own home. I grew up there. It was my home for many years. It's just "home".

Branleuse is that the right thing for DS though? He needs his dad. I also think a night during the school week gets complicated. I'm tempted by the every other Saturday though as it would be nice to have a proper weekend together. Sunday just feels like a nothing day getting ready for the week atm. But I want DS to feel he knows what's happening when, hence keeping it the same each week. It's hard for him to cope with chopping and changing.

His dad does the morning school run as I have to go to work early.

I have no diagnosis but have some tendencies and seem to be able to 'think' like someone on the spectrum.

Your old flat will always be 'home', to your son, even if your ex moves somewhere else he will still think of it as 'home'.

I still think of Yorkshire as 'home', I left when I was 9 and I'm in my 50s.

He isn't saying this to hurt you, it's just the way his brain works.

Thanks ssash, that does make sense. I know he's not saying it to hurt me, I just wish he felt that home was with me. But once an idea is accepted I don't think he can really change his thinking. Which makes me feel like whatever I do now, I've probably fucked up his childhood on some level irreversibly because how can he possibly get his round it all?

sassh, sorry not ssash!

I’ve got a screen addicted 6 year old too. Nothing compares. My advice if you want to “win” this one is play your ex at his own game. Find something better. But a Nintendo switch and get one of the Mario games like super smash bros and start playing with him. Strict 1 hr per day. Won’t be long before he’s saying he wants to go “home” when he’s at your exes. Outright banning won’t work but limit it and find something you enjoy and can do with him. The Mario games beat minecraft for my kids now

You haven’t fucked up his childhood. He’s addicted to minecraft and that’s what his brain thinks about. Switch the addiction to something he can be addicted to at your house. Plus before anybody starts going on about addiction, all 6 year olds are addicted to something. The key is to limit it. One of my friends has one who is addicted to football and one has one who is addicted to trains. He wants to stand on railway bridges and write down all the train numbers so she spends weekends doing that! At least your boys addiction is indoors in the warm!

If he has autism - home is where his home always was.
And "home is where the important people are" is true, too: his DF who thinks like him and needs no explanations.

I don't say this to hurt you but you may not be more important to him than his DF. Residential parents like to think so, because they do all the hard work, but from a young (autistic) child's perspective it might be different.

I dread the day we'll have to move - I have a housfull of people on the spectrum.

Thanks wonderwhat, that's talked me down a little bit 😂. I do tend to catastrophise! Tempted to do as you suggest, he does like supermario.

If taking the train is a recent thing and he's just started talking about "home", have your considered that home may be where the train is? Maybe try taking him for a train ride on your time? Autistic people can be very enthusiastic about trains, so the train could be a new focus for him?

Do you know how he describes your house when he is at his Dad's?

Would be no surprise to find he calls it home when he is there just as he calls yours home when he is at his Dad's.

It isn't about who is more important, just a way of describing.

I think firstly id cut dads access to every other weekend, and maybe one evening during the week where he can do school run

Seriously? He has a good relationship with his dad so you want to reduce contact? What for? To disrupt their relationship and make him like mum more?

O/p it does sound like they have similar personalities and routines which suit them.

We do tend to make the assumption that children are always better off with mum (and if they like spending time with dad it’s disney parenting, not simply that they might like each other ).

Have you thought about a more 50:50 split? Or would that affect routine? Dad could have sat eve to wed, you wed to sat. Then both of you get a more equal share of school/weekends.

Or if dad does the school runs anyway, how about you swap so you get every weekend and he does weekdays?

It does sound like maybe he feels more secure with dad. It’s tough but he is also his parent, and it’s about what’s best for your son....

I think firstly id cut dads access to every other weekend, and maybe one evening during the week where he can do school run.

Terrible advice.

Maybe he has more fun with dad, and he would if there are less rules.

But it's not a competition is it? He's a child and will want to be where the fun is. It doesn't mean he loves you any less.

Unfortunately when dad's have them for less time and principally on weekends they tend to do the nice stuff with dad, perhaps dad also lets them dictate what they do eg computer gaming whereas mum has to say it's time for school. Dad's also have a reputation (sorry if a dad is reading and you don't) for spoiling with stuff rather than time. Him preferring dad's place is because he doesn't realise if the situation was reversed things would not be as exciting. I also suspect he's struggling with 2 bedrooms, my dd is autistic and hated change at that age especially, I would consider what you can do to ease each transition

bluebluezoo that's not happening.

I also suspect he's struggling with 2 bedrooms, my dd is autistic and hated change at that age especially, I would consider what you can do to ease each transition
Yes, this is part of it I think. DS has handled it well overall but it's still not easy. I'm just not sure how I can make it better for him.

My flat is rather cluttered too and quite 'busy' whereas my ex is the sort of person for whom 'stuff' is an irrelevance - which also means he doesn't bother with things DS would benefit from but thinking about it, maybe I need to simplify and get rid of things so my place is a more calming environment. My ex's strength is that he never changes anything, which is boring but probably reassuring. I'm not like that but maybe I need to try to be. All I want is to do the right thing for him.

All I want is to do the right thing for him.

This makes you an excellent parent to your son.

Persevere. It's very, very likely that your son feels safe with you and so is comfortable telling you how he feels and when he misses Dad. Based on personal experience similar to your situation, it's likely your son doesn't have the same freedom to express emotion at his father's house.

why should mum have to do all the school runs and busy times and never get any downtime with their mum. Why is improving relationship with mum unimportant? Listen to yourself. fucks sake