I'm at rock bottom and I don't know where to turn.
This has the potential to be over wordy. I'll try to keep it succinct.
My ex H who I share DD and DS with is an emotionally cold and very manipulative man. Afyer years of this, in 2014 I finally left him after a good six or so times. We were together 18 years. Both of us professionals in the same field, I was a A Level Physics teacher. We shared contact 50/50 but predictably, it was still me doing the lion's share.
2018 the Absolute came through. Kids wanted to change contact but not amount if time. They were getting older and I respected that. I was struggling, with very little support. I suggested a new contact schedule. He proposed one that meant No overnights weekdays at mine. But yet I was still expected to do pickups tea etc. There were other big things happening. I needed time to consider which he agreed to. Imagine my surprise when I picked the kids up next day and they thought it was a done deal.
It was like a bolt of lightning and suddenly all the DV and abuse came back. I realised he was using the kids to get to me. When I left him, he threatened to rape me to teach me a lesson, throttled me against a wall and once in the middle of a physical argument, he punched me in the eye and the police were called. I did not press charges. All I could think of were my children.
It all came flooding back and in March '18, I took an overdose. The final straw was tgat he was not answering messages about when I would see the kids.
Miraculously, I was OK but I was in deep shock. We agreed to mediation. Two days later he filed the Court for residency. Then my world really did fall apart.
I was accused of negligence, I had no opportunity to defend myself plus I was still very mentally unwell. I jumped through every, controlling hoop the ex wanted so I could see my children. The Court rumbled on. Still, I was confident it would be over by Xmas and I'd have the kids for boxing day. Bit I was dealing with lack of money and utterly unable mentally to teach. I lost my home.
In the midst of all this my DB sustained a major head trauma and last summer F admitted to affairs. This in their Golden Anniversary year. F was also very seriously ill and not expected to live. He certainly looked like he was about to go. He didnt.
I got myself a new place, stabilised money. Eventually got myself signed of by DWP. Worse was to come. No kids for boxing day, a bitter blow. I spent Xmas alone.
Even worse. Ex announces tgat he's taking the kids 6 hours away which would necessitate another move for me. I was devestated. Around Xmas, DS started to say ex had started to verbally abuse him and he didn't feel loved by him or his partner.
Again, around that time the S7 was published by CAFCASS. Bias? Just a bit. Ex makes a serious allehation that coyld put me in jail for contempt and STILL i habent been able to clear my good name.
As I read it a very repressed memory came back. Years before my ex raped me. I found him having sex with me one Sat night. I was asleep. I.pushed him off with a NO. He stopped. He then convinced me it was my fault and I begged his forgiveness. It was never mentioned again.
Unbelivably, it gets even worse. On my DS birthday, ex informs me that I cannot have access to the children as he believes I am going to be beaten in the streets and he doesn't want the kids to witness that. I am now required to get SS to write a letter saying I am at no risk. SS do not write the letter due to pressures of work despite promising me they would. Then the alienation begins. Jectells the kids that I'm not safe and that if he allows contact, they will be taken into care. What IS shocking is that ex beat DB up a few years ago in front if my parents AND the kids. Gradually all contact stops, more or less. The kids are now scared of speaking to me.
I ask for a meeting at his with kids. It ends badly as they are frightened they will be taken into care. Since then, I have heard very little. I know nothing about what's going on. The meeting was secretly recorded and that goes into the ex's position statement.
After a few weeks if thus, I break again and attempt suicide. I was very close to being sectioned. Again, I was OK.
I cannot describe the pain of being parted from my children. Not knowing what's happening. I message them telling them how I much I love them but I rarely get anything back.
And then, in a FINAL sickening twist, his latest missive to the court proposes that EXACT SAME CONTACT ARRANGEMENTS that would be been proposed (and I wouldve accepted on a temp basis) during the proposed mediation a year ago.
Over a year if extreme psyclogical torment and distress. The loss of my home, career, finances. My sanity, my children. All of it a waste of time. I verge from incandescent rage to breaking down. Oh and he's refusing to give me my part if the pension settlement and tgat I have to, get this, take him back to court. He has hurt the children, robbed us three of a family life for a year based on NO EVIDENCE WHATSOEVER.
I have a DP and he's been a brick. We where meant to be going away last weekend. Our first time away. I was so looking forward to it as he's brilliant fun, very intelligent and very good company.
Not a few miles away from home, his cluch packs in. Gutted.
I don't know what I need right now. Practical advice but also emotional support. I don't want to die, I want my beloved children back. I just want the pain to end.