Please help (TW Rape, rape threats, suicide and suicide ideation)

[75Renarde]

I'm at rock bottom and I don't know where to turn.

This has the potential to be over wordy. I'll try to keep it succinct.

My ex H who I share DD and DS with is an emotionally cold and very manipulative man. Afyer years of this, in 2014 I finally left him after a good six or so times. We were together 18 years. Both of us professionals in the same field, I was a A Level Physics teacher. We shared contact 50/50 but predictably, it was still me doing the lion's share.

2018 the Absolute came through. Kids wanted to change contact but not amount if time. They were getting older and I respected that. I was struggling, with very little support. I suggested a new contact schedule. He proposed one that meant No overnights weekdays at mine. But yet I was still expected to do pickups tea etc. There were other big things happening. I needed time to consider which he agreed to. Imagine my surprise when I picked the kids up next day and they thought it was a done deal.

It was like a bolt of lightning and suddenly all the DV and abuse came back. I realised he was using the kids to get to me. When I left him, he threatened to rape me to teach me a lesson, throttled me against a wall and once in the middle of a physical argument, he punched me in the eye and the police were called. I did not press charges. All I could think of were my children.

It all came flooding back and in March '18, I took an overdose. The final straw was tgat he was not answering messages about when I would see the kids.

Miraculously, I was OK but I was in deep shock. We agreed to mediation. Two days later he filed the Court for residency. Then my world really did fall apart.

I was accused of negligence, I had no opportunity to defend myself plus I was still very mentally unwell. I jumped through every, controlling hoop the ex wanted so I could see my children. The Court rumbled on. Still, I was confident it would be over by Xmas and I'd have the kids for boxing day. Bit I was dealing with lack of money and utterly unable mentally to teach. I lost my home.

In the midst of all this my DB sustained a major head trauma and last summer F admitted to affairs. This in their Golden Anniversary year. F was also very seriously ill and not expected to live. He certainly looked like he was about to go. He didnt.

I got myself a new place, stabilised money. Eventually got myself signed of by DWP. Worse was to come. No kids for boxing day, a bitter blow. I spent Xmas alone.

Even worse. Ex announces tgat he's taking the kids 6 hours away which would necessitate another move for me. I was devestated. Around Xmas, DS started to say ex had started to verbally abuse him and he didn't feel loved by him or his partner.

Again, around that time the S7 was published by CAFCASS. Bias? Just a bit. Ex makes a serious allehation that coyld put me in jail for contempt and STILL i habent been able to clear my good name.

As I read it a very repressed memory came back. Years before my ex raped me. I found him having sex with me one Sat night. I was asleep. I.pushed him off with a NO. He stopped. He then convinced me it was my fault and I begged his forgiveness. It was never mentioned again.

Unbelivably, it gets even worse. On my DS birthday, ex informs me that I cannot have access to the children as he believes I am going to be beaten in the streets and he doesn't want the kids to witness that. I am now required to get SS to write a letter saying I am at no risk. SS do not write the letter due to pressures of work despite promising me they would. Then the alienation begins. Jectells the kids that I'm not safe and that if he allows contact, they will be taken into care. What IS shocking is that ex beat DB up a few years ago in front if my parents AND the kids. Gradually all contact stops, more or less. The kids are now scared of speaking to me.

I ask for a meeting at his with kids. It ends badly as they are frightened they will be taken into care. Since then, I have heard very little. I know nothing about what's going on. The meeting was secretly recorded and that goes into the ex's position statement.

After a few weeks if thus, I break again and attempt suicide. I was very close to being sectioned. Again, I was OK.

I cannot describe the pain of being parted from my children. Not knowing what's happening. I message them telling them how I much I love them but I rarely get anything back.

And then, in a FINAL sickening twist, his latest missive to the court proposes that EXACT SAME CONTACT ARRANGEMENTS that would be been proposed (and I wouldve accepted on a temp basis) during the proposed mediation a year ago.

Over a year if extreme psyclogical torment and distress. The loss of my home, career, finances. My sanity, my children. All of it a waste of time. I verge from incandescent rage to breaking down. Oh and he's refusing to give me my part if the pension settlement and tgat I have to, get this, take him back to court. He has hurt the children, robbed us three of a family life for a year based on NO EVIDENCE WHATSOEVER.

I have a DP and he's been a brick. We where meant to be going away last weekend. Our first time away. I was so looking forward to it as he's brilliant fun, very intelligent and very good company.

Not a few miles away from home, his cluch packs in. Gutted.

I don't know what I need right now. Practical advice but also emotional support. I don't want to die, I want my beloved children back. I just want the pain to end.

But what’s the alternative? Not be calm in front of your kids and not work on your own mental health? What he has done to you is terrible, but you have to try and deal with the situation you’re in. It’s terrible that it must feel like he’s winning, but actually things are moving your way now. You have a chance at contact and reestablishing a relationship with your kids.

They are NOT moving in my way. It appears as if they are. I havnt seen my kids properly in months. And again, I really resent being told I'm not calm or a good person in front of my children. I am or I was before he removed access.

I posted on here to vent. To get support at the most worst time in my life. I've resisted for over a year coming on here and sharing.

Now I know why.

Sorry if I've missed it but have you been to the police about the rape and DV?

And you're spectacularly missing the point. I can work on myself til the cows come home but what actually have I done wrong? What's stopping him pulling this trick again and again?

Do you actually understand how DA works?

Yes @MissChananderlerbong I have. Its all logged. As is some of the historical abuse that my parent's meeted out to my brother and I growing up and as adults.

Op, he's really done a number on you

He made you apologise, to him, when he raped you? That's monstrous. Have you had counselling or anything to deal with that?

My ex had sex with me in my sleep too, and wouldn't take no for an answer on occassion. Not that anyone would believe it irl . That can really fuck with your head.

I know it's hard being back to square one, but don't let one headfuck of a year ruin would could be a happy life. You're kids will see in time what he's really like, all you can do is make yourself their rock and their safe place, when they're with you. Keep letting them know you love them, in all the ways you can, and they'll see that their dad is full of shit (which won't be easy on them either, bastard).

I like to think a good life well lived, can be the best revenge. It pisses my ex off no end anyways...

ruin would what could be*

@TheLazyDuchess

He has and Thank you for your kind words. I didn't go into details about the rape but essentially, I pushed him off and he left the bedroom. I was still in a daze.

He went quiet so I went to find him. He was in the bathroom washing his penis saying 'I stung him. I call him out saying WTF was that? You raped me?
He denied it saying is started it but I was asleep.

I go back to the bedroom, again he goes quiet.

I go downstairs. He has one of the big kitchen knives and hes cutting himself. Not deeply. I break down and apologise for accusing my ex of rape. Had i started it, was it my fault? I felt such guilt.

He 'forgives me'. We don't speak of it ever again barring a convo the next day when I apologise again.

DS was still a baby. I'm pretty sure this was when I was a NQT as we went to a friend's next day for a big event - child related.

I must have been in a funk because I left my pink Radley purse on the ned. I didnt notice I didn't have it until about to leave the event and I noticed it was missing. Immediately I asked him if he had his wallet to which he replied no (He did this trick as lot). We were 70 miles from home and low on fuel. I was distraught.

We got back ok but by then I realised where I had left it and bingo, it was on the bed. Very unlike me and especially with a two and four year old in tow.

"He denied it saying is started it but I was asleep."

I'm generally a heavy sleeper, and couldn't always remember everything, just bits, and would ask my ex the next day "did we do x last night?" , and he'd say I must have been dreaming. Then when he left evidence (he came in me and I could feel/smell it still in me the next morning, sorry if that's tmi) he tried to say we were both asleep at the time. Then he started to accuse me of waking him for sex, when I'd no longer be able to go into a deep sleep, and wake up to him touching me. It took me a long time (and I mean years), to realise he'd been wide awake, and fully aware I was asleep, every single time. Unless I'd wake up and push him away and complain, he'd carry on. This started when I was 19, and was in some ways the tip of the iceberg. At least you recognised it for what it was straight away!

"He has one of the big kitchen knives and hes cutting himself. Not deeply."

Of course you felt guilty this is exactly what the bastard intended. Suddenly you were the bad guy and he was the victim.

"I must have been in a funk because I left my pink Radley purse on the ned. I didnt notice I didn't have it until about to leave the event and I noticed it was missing."

It sounds like that was the start of the general funk you've been in when he started hurting you and messing with your head . You're well rid of that one!

I dont have any advise but he sounds like a headfucker and a complete piece of shit. Rapist scum. I'm sorry .

@TheLazyDuchess

Oh good God our stories are so frighteningly similiar. I am so sorry this happened to you

You are indeed correct, this was Not a one off. It came after many many nights, just like yours did. I would often wake up and things were happening. I blamed myself. I thought I was the randy one. So when the big one happened, i was already primed if that makes sense?

Many, many times it happened.

Strikingly, it never happened with another intimate partner. I ask repeatedly to my now DP, do I touch you in bed when I'm asleep? He assures me no. We have fully aware consensual sex. We then fall asleep in each other's arms. I may then choose to wake him in the morning but I always and I repeat I always ensure he knows what I'm about to do.

I'm so sorry this has happened to you. Its an immense distortion of the true dynamic between loving partners and I truly have no words x

Oh op I’m so sorry this has all happened to you, sounds awful. I completely understand that you want justice, it’s natural, but I suppose you have to ask yourself at what cost? Because it will drain you both mentally and physically. I think you have to weigh up your options and what you truly need right now 💐

I don’t want to kick someone when they’re down. This man seems a cunt of the highest order.

It’s also probably not fair to make a big issue about the BDSM thing but do you really want your kids to read this? Ok they shouldn’t stumble on it randomly but being the cunt of an ex you have you know he’s going to point them in that direction.

It’s basically just supplying him free ammunition. As has been said the suicide attempts coupled with this will work against you. I’m not denying your own experience and don’t want to come across as if I’m accusing you of lying as I am compelled to believe anyone on here who I don’t know and opens up about their personal stuff. But in he said / she said scenario unfortunately he’s going to come across as more credible witness unless you have more evidence than purely your word

I think this is what I'm struggling with. That he raped me, treated me like a possession, hit me, abused me and is still abusing me. At what cost do I.pursue justice?

He will have ipso facto been torturing me for over 20 years. I cannot co-parent with a monster like this. Why does no one see it?

I feel so lost and afraid. Its never been about the kids. He never gave a tinkers cuss about how i arranged meals, childcare, schooling.he was always a lazy, self entitled fucker. Obsessed with first his Masters and then his EngD whilst I torpeod my own successful career by having to work.part time for the children and their care. Then, when I was vulnerable, he took them away.

I am angry and I have every right to be so.

Or do we live in a society where it's ok to treat women like this?

I should also mention the sexual assaults that happened around 2001. I begged him to stop. He wouldn't. That was pretty much the end of our sex life. He got his kicks masturbating for hours on end over hard core BDSM. So much so he became impotent in bed.

Nice. Really helped my self esteem did that one

@Caucho

Excuse me? My ex was my first Dom. The pictures he posts to Fetlife would make your hair curl.

Why do you assume that he is an angel and I'm the devil?

Would you like to see the pictures on the web which are open for all to see?

They are far far worse then anything I've ever posted.

I'm going to be very clear. My ex posts pictures of him torturing his new partner.

Whether it's her vulva on a wooden beam, her tits being tied up, nipple clamps, breaast bars, suspension. You name it.

Its all the stuff I would very rarely let him do to me. He found that in her and she as just as bad.

Her sucking his cock, sex I'd be very suprised if not anal pix went up on the main profile, for all to see. Faces etc.

What did I do? Not. That. I wrote.

I didn’t assume that at all and this is the first time you mentioned that the BDSM interest was a joint pursuit. That does change things in that he won’t be able to try and take the high ground and attempt to appear superior.

I understand why you’re being defensive. I don’t think you’re bad at all. No problem with BDSM actually (whatever floats your boat) but initially though this would present and opportunity for him but obviously not the case if he is in the same boat on that aspect

Thanks. And yes he is far worse than me. Thing is, its not about kink or sex. Its about control. He never had that with me. He got that with her. So hey, heres a Q.

He gets her to walk barefoot in the woods in front of the children. DS approached me a few years ago saying he was deeply unhappy with this; she might hurt herself etc. My ex has a massive foot fetish and especially revolving around women who walk barefoot outdoors. He's done this several times in front of my children. Obviously distressing them.

I tore into him. Saying it was completely unacceptable. Both of them justified it on the grounds that she liked to be barefoot. But in reality, my ex was taking MY children for walks whilst she was parading round in front of him and he, I GAURANTEE would have had a massive boner.

Clutch your pearls MN. Clutch them

Thanks. I said from the start I believe you. Was purely thinking about you the court case and how he could point to the BDSM stuff as a stick to beat you with (wasn’t judging it and can’t pretend to understand any one fetish as they’re individual to a person). This avenue and line of attack is obviously closed to him given you say he is more at the extreme end of the scene than you yourself are.

The children are old enough for their wishes to be taken into account by a court. I am very sorry that you were treated so awfully by your exH, it is indefensible - but if you never reported the sexual attacks and the DV, how can the court be expected to take that behaviour into account? Im sure you'll shout at me about the justice system being biased against women, but the truth is, the system is biased against the quiet.

Your exH sounds like the most tedious sort of deviant as well, waving his fetishes around in public for everyone to join in. Ghastly.

I think you make a fair point @funnylittlefloozie"and it's because of love. The way I've behaved I mean

I loved my ex very much and for the good of the children, I kept schtumn. Because, I knew I wouldn't be believed. I buried it deep down and got on with raising the children and getting on with my life.

How could or even can now, make people aware of what he did to me? Very few people understand the trauma bond and the way it makes people behave, even when they escaped?

You try to carry on. You try to co-parent. My ex was largely not loose with his fists. It was all psychological, pretty much.

The very worst thing he ever did and I put this above the rape itself, was to threaten to rape me to teach me a lesson. He esposed this one tea time, coming home late from work. Kids had been fed. I was worried and anxious where he was.
He told me a mate had talked him out of coming back home to rape me and teach me a lesson.
That floored me in a way I don't think I'll ever be again. My husband, who I had lived had started to threaten extreme sexual violence.
I knew at that point, I did not know him. After 18 years of a relationship.

Frankly, I've never both over that shock. My ex was a monster. That he could even articulate those words to me broke me. TBH, it STILL has

My own though process is siniilar funny. Whilst I make no judgements about what consenting adults do (and I’m excluding the guy here who doesn’t seem to give a shit about consent) you do have to bear in mind anything posted can be possibly accessed or shared fo people you don’t want to see it even if it’s a specialist site or requires a sign in. I was worried he’d do just that but it’s clear now he’d come across more badly if he decided that plan.

I’m not an expert but do know most kink people who publish stuff usually cover their faces and wears masks etc for this very reason. It’s totally reckless of this guy to put himself out there with his whole face on display.

And I do massively judge him for the barefoot thing as he is practicing his own kinks when out with the kids and supposedly doing family stuff. I won’t judge people’s sexual tastes but will judge him for that and makes me really queasy thinkiing about him going for nice family walk and harbouring a raging hard on

"But if you never reported the sexual attacks and the DV, how can the court be expected to take that behaviour into account?"

And that's why being raped in circumstances where you know there'll be no justice, is such a head fuck. We stay quiet because we know we won't be believed. I took my ex to court for assault (he beat me up, two weeks after we broke up and I had enough), but he got off with it. There was no proof, only my word vs his. The cross examination in that trial, and being called a liar in court, was awful.

I still pass people he knows in the street, who give me dirty looks, because they think I lied about him hitting and throttling me. A "false" rape allegation would have/would ruin my reputation completely. And there's ds to think about.

Imo looking back he should have been charged with DV, and all the things he did to me since we met, not just one incident like it was a one off. The police did ask had he ever sexually assaulted me, but that was just a can of worms too far for me, and the cps went with abh.

He didn't break me, though he tried. I'm actually happier, healthier and stronger than ever. Don't let your ex break you, not now you're getting the contact arrangements you wanted, you have a lovely new dp, and every day the kids get older and wiser, and another step closer to see him for what he really is. Focus on you, them and don't give him a second thought, outside when the kids need to vent about him or disclose more shitty behaviour (are you keep track of what the kids are saying about him/the ea?).

*I seem to have lost a few "ings" there