Please help (TW Rape, rape threats, suicide and suicide ideation)

[75Renarde]

I'm at rock bottom and I don't know where to turn.

This has the potential to be over wordy. I'll try to keep it succinct.

My ex H who I share DD and DS with is an emotionally cold and very manipulative man. Afyer years of this, in 2014 I finally left him after a good six or so times. We were together 18 years. Both of us professionals in the same field, I was a A Level Physics teacher. We shared contact 50/50 but predictably, it was still me doing the lion's share.

2018 the Absolute came through. Kids wanted to change contact but not amount if time. They were getting older and I respected that. I was struggling, with very little support. I suggested a new contact schedule. He proposed one that meant No overnights weekdays at mine. But yet I was still expected to do pickups tea etc. There were other big things happening. I needed time to consider which he agreed to. Imagine my surprise when I picked the kids up next day and they thought it was a done deal.

It was like a bolt of lightning and suddenly all the DV and abuse came back. I realised he was using the kids to get to me. When I left him, he threatened to rape me to teach me a lesson, throttled me against a wall and once in the middle of a physical argument, he punched me in the eye and the police were called. I did not press charges. All I could think of were my children.

It all came flooding back and in March '18, I took an overdose. The final straw was tgat he was not answering messages about when I would see the kids.

Miraculously, I was OK but I was in deep shock. We agreed to mediation. Two days later he filed the Court for residency. Then my world really did fall apart.

I was accused of negligence, I had no opportunity to defend myself plus I was still very mentally unwell. I jumped through every, controlling hoop the ex wanted so I could see my children. The Court rumbled on. Still, I was confident it would be over by Xmas and I'd have the kids for boxing day. Bit I was dealing with lack of money and utterly unable mentally to teach. I lost my home.

In the midst of all this my DB sustained a major head trauma and last summer F admitted to affairs. This in their Golden Anniversary year. F was also very seriously ill and not expected to live. He certainly looked like he was about to go. He didnt.

I got myself a new place, stabilised money. Eventually got myself signed of by DWP. Worse was to come. No kids for boxing day, a bitter blow. I spent Xmas alone.

Even worse. Ex announces tgat he's taking the kids 6 hours away which would necessitate another move for me. I was devestated. Around Xmas, DS started to say ex had started to verbally abuse him and he didn't feel loved by him or his partner.

Again, around that time the S7 was published by CAFCASS. Bias? Just a bit. Ex makes a serious allehation that coyld put me in jail for contempt and STILL i habent been able to clear my good name.

As I read it a very repressed memory came back. Years before my ex raped me. I found him having sex with me one Sat night. I was asleep. I.pushed him off with a NO. He stopped. He then convinced me it was my fault and I begged his forgiveness. It was never mentioned again.

Unbelivably, it gets even worse. On my DS birthday, ex informs me that I cannot have access to the children as he believes I am going to be beaten in the streets and he doesn't want the kids to witness that. I am now required to get SS to write a letter saying I am at no risk. SS do not write the letter due to pressures of work despite promising me they would. Then the alienation begins. Jectells the kids that I'm not safe and that if he allows contact, they will be taken into care. What IS shocking is that ex beat DB up a few years ago in front if my parents AND the kids. Gradually all contact stops, more or less. The kids are now scared of speaking to me.

I ask for a meeting at his with kids. It ends badly as they are frightened they will be taken into care. Since then, I have heard very little. I know nothing about what's going on. The meeting was secretly recorded and that goes into the ex's position statement.

After a few weeks if thus, I break again and attempt suicide. I was very close to being sectioned. Again, I was OK.

I cannot describe the pain of being parted from my children. Not knowing what's happening. I message them telling them how I much I love them but I rarely get anything back.

And then, in a FINAL sickening twist, his latest missive to the court proposes that EXACT SAME CONTACT ARRANGEMENTS that would be been proposed (and I wouldve accepted on a temp basis) during the proposed mediation a year ago.

Over a year if extreme psyclogical torment and distress. The loss of my home, career, finances. My sanity, my children. All of it a waste of time. I verge from incandescent rage to breaking down. Oh and he's refusing to give me my part if the pension settlement and tgat I have to, get this, take him back to court. He has hurt the children, robbed us three of a family life for a year based on NO EVIDENCE WHATSOEVER.

I have a DP and he's been a brick. We where meant to be going away last weekend. Our first time away. I was so looking forward to it as he's brilliant fun, very intelligent and very good company.

Not a few miles away from home, his cluch packs in. Gutted.

I don't know what I need right now. Practical advice but also emotional support. I don't want to die, I want my beloved children back. I just want the pain to end.

Thankyou @TheLazyDuchess your words mean so much.

Taking the broader perspective, I'll put this out.

Most people, largely women who post on here say the same thing.

Is this abuse?
Did he rape me?
Am I at fault here?

We continually fold back on ourselves. We are the product of our own middle class upbringing.

Don't talk: dont speak. Keep it quiet.

What would the neighbours say?

But we took you to Stately Homes you insolent fucker?!

Don't embarrass us. Don't complain. Stay quiet.

I could go on

@TheLazyDuchess

Thankyou for tonight. I don't feel.quite so alone x

How are you feeling now @75Renarde?

I totally get the "Don't talk: dont speak. Keep it quiet, what would the neighbours say" thing

Mumsnet has really helped me in the past, when I was feeling low, even just reading about other people dealing with similar crap to me, or having a place to vent. You'll get some harsh comments, some will hit a nerve and make you re-think things, some will be way off, but the helpful positive comments will usually be worth any negative ones.

Thank you. I'm feeling better. Getting my fighting spirit back.

Thank you to everyone who has commented. It means the world to me x

You are almost so extraordinarily offensive, one wonders how you breathe.

I had no idea. Zero idea my ex would rape and batter me. Multiple times. Abusive partners don't function like That but sure, blame me if it makes you feel better.

I had my children in good faith. Why is this MY fault? I did everything I could.

You missus are a grade A bitch.

Fuck. Off.

OP, the only way to work this out is to take emotion out of it. Try to adopt a more business-like approach to the discussions over the children. And suicide attempts, etc will really harm your case. You need to be cool and calm. By the way, CAFCASS are bastards and will side with the parent they like the most. Even if it’s clear they are not the better parent. Sad, but true.

Good luck.

Hello OP, we are really sorry to hear you are feeling this way.
We hope you don't mind, but when these threads are flagged up to us we usually add a link to our Mental Health resources.

You can also go to the Samaritans website or email them on [email protected]. Support from other Mumsnetters is great and we really hope you will be able to take some comfort from your fellow posters, but as other MNers will tell you, it's really a good idea to seek RL help and support as well.

We also like to remind everyone that, although we're awed daily by the astonishing support our members give each other through life's trickier twists and turns, we'd always caution anyone never to give more of themselves to another poster, emotionally or financially, than they can afford to spare.

Thanks @Hermione but I already knew that about CAFCASS.

I'm on here because I need the release.

But why am I getting the impression that somehow this is my fault?

Its good to have an outlet. What do you really want from this thread? Do you just want a place to rant and scream and cry, or do you want a place to give you some constructive answers to your legal and child access issues?

Sometimes you need both, but its as well to be clear. If you respond with a rant, to people who are trying to give advice, backs go up, people get upset and conflict obscures valuable advice and support.

OP I’ve been wondering whether to post or not as so don’t want to upset you any further than you are. I do appreciate that you’re using this forum as a way of a release and don’t blame you in the slightest. I was, however, wondering if you have a diagnosed emotionally unstable personality disorder? Please don’t respond If you don’t want to and I wish you well with this horrible situation

@funny

Thank you. I appreciate your words and I do understand. I've been Sat here thinking aboit What it is I want.

And it's to vent. To cry. To be witnessed.

My mind, for the very first time, has gone back to the early days of our relationship. Whilst I had acknowledged I was raped I haven't dealt with it. Too many other things such as court, money, keeping alive. I think today is the day that it all comes out.

If MN is kind and gracious enous to let me have that space, I'd now like yo unpack it. Right now.

I cannot thank all who have contributed nut especially @TheLazyDuchess I fell asleep last night thinking of her and she was the first thought on my mind this morning.

@aprilshowers12

No it's fine and you raise a good point. Do I have BPD? No because BPD doesn't exist.

People diagnosed with BPD are survivors of intimate abuse.

I beg to differ OP. BPD does exist but I completely agree that it’s a product of abuse. I recognised your very distinct pain from your writing

Ok. Here it comes.

We started seeing each other in Feb 96. He was a kinky fucker then and so was I. Far more so than our uni friends. All seemed to be well until we bought our first place in 2000 (lazy entitled fucker that he was, he didn't lift a finger once during the conveyencing). I think that's when it started; when we became tied.

We had started to explore bondage. Bondage actually is quite boring for the sub. It takes a long time to get those ropes around you. I did it because I loved him and because sometimes it was exciting. This is when the repeated sexual assaults happened.

He would twist my nipples hard as I was orgasming. I told him, several times in the cold light of day I was extremely unhappy with him doing this. He still continued.

Of course, an almighty row ensued. I told him no more link, bondage. I can't trust you. This is when his porn addiction started. Hard-core BDSM.

We are not talking a quick one of the wrist. It was hours and hours of him wanking himself silly. He became obsessed with a porn star called Ashley Renee. He would join the old Yahoo groups and message her. Sometimes she would respond.

We married in 2002 and by then it was clear his habit was spinning out of control. Two specific incidents stand out.

First was that he was accessing porn at our mutual shared work. I was horrified when he told me about the implications for us both. I'm sure he was wanking in his office.

The second was that I found out on the night before our marriage, he was messaging said porn star wanting to take pictures of her. This was while his DB and SIL where downstairs.

I didn't find out about this until 2004. I ended the relationship but if course, he worked his way back in. Looking back now, I can see how much I loved him. I wanted to see the best in him.

The extreme porning would goon for a decade. I repeatedly tried to end it but always caved.

When we tried to have sex, he couldn't get properly hard. I turned inwards. My weight increased. I was desperately unhappy. I felt unloved, unsexy and meaningless. It's around this time I started to post here on the relationship boards.

It was also around this time that the nocturnal activities started.

The rape is clear in my mind. But recalling I can remember fragments and bits of memory where I would wake up and things were happening. Just like @TheLazyDuchess says.

Thank you MN for giving me this space.

@aprilshowers12

Then I do agree with you and maybe I do have it.

You're the very first person who has called it. I thank you for that.

I can now also clearly see why people really resist that diagnosis. They were not born that way. They know it was because of what was done to them. Much like riding a bike, falling off and breaking your leg. It happened. I can't change that and if I could go back in time, I still couldn't change it because old me didn't have the tools that new me has.

"I haven't dealt with it. Too many other things such as court, money, keeping alive."

When I said about what happened to you being the start of your funk, I should have said starting to remember, and face it in the cold light of day, from a place of safety, was the start?

I still have moments where I'll freeze up, or get emotional, or mad adrenalin rushes, because something will trigger a memory and it'll hit me like a ton of bricks. Stuff I usually try not to think about. It could be the smell of stale wine, the aftershave he used to wear, a song. Lecherous comments from random blokes. All sorts of things.

At the time, like you, I was so busy putting a brave face on, and dealing with my life, (and dealing with his awful behaviour was like a full time job in itself), that it wasn't until he'd moved out and I hadn't seen him for weeks, that just how bad things had got started to hit me. Some things really haunted me for ages, things that hadn't seemed like a big deal at the time, compared to other worse shit I was dealing with.

I forgave him, because I loved who he'd pretended to be when we met/who he was in company or when I was being a good little door mat, and walking on egg shells/trying not to provoke him (I didn't realise until later obviously, I thought the him I loved, was the real him...).

I think abuse trauma is a bit like grief in that it hits us all in different ways, at different times. There's no right or wrong way to react, all we can do is to manage those reactions and emotions as healithy as possible. I'm glad you're continuing to seek help for yourself, it's hard to get out of such a dark place mentally, and harder again to not slip back, because its a fight that feels relentless (and is, in a way?)

What are the consequences for the men who use women, given the chance? The ones who take and take until the woman is so depressed, afraid or feeling so trapped, death seems the only alternative? Why is there so often no justice? I didn't get any, and never will, for any of the shitty things various men have done to me. This increasing trend of men getting off on violent murder charges, simply by saying it was rough sex gone wrong, terrifies me. I see red flags everywhere now, in a way I didn't before. And I know I'm not paranoid, despite what a certain type of man might say, just aware. Which makes me more of a threat in a way? I'm learning just how much men hate being called out on their bullshit by a woman.

The following figures are from 2014, and likely to be even higher now. In the UK a woman has a 1 in 4 chance of becoming a victim of domestic abuse. A 1 in 5 chance of becoming a victim of sexual assault. Globally women are at a 1 in 3 risk of being raped or beaten.

There's a phone call to the police about domestic violence every minute. A woman is raped here once every 7 minutes. 1 in 5 women disclosed being a victim of sexual abuse. 1 in 4 disclosed domestic abuse.

There's still so much shame tied up in all this though. It's still taboo in a way? I don't think I could ever talk to my mum or sis about any of this, although I know if I did, they'd try to be supportive. It's that feeling that you somehow brought this on yourself, should have known better, done more etc? People don't seem to realise if these guys were obvious weird evil bastards from the start, most of us wouldn't have gotten involved in the first place, or be so scared others wouldn't believe us.

I've just fallen in love with you @TheLazyDuchess

I cannot fault your logic, at all. You are so correct- No justice and so the wheel turns.

I get that shame and that guilt. Both entirely misplaced. Even now in 2019, we have not made many strides into understanding how abusers work. But we do, don't we?

Thank You for all your contributions. I can safely say, thanks to you, I'm now a better and stronger person than I was 24 hours ago. X

@TheLazyDuchess

Which makes me more of a threat in a way? I'm learning just how much men hate being called out on their bullshit by a woman

Indeed you are and that's so fucked up. WE do not operate from that position so when it does happen to us, it's incomprehensible.

Empowered, weaponised women are the most dangerous force on the planet.