Too much too soon, now what

[bmlover]

So I met someone 3'months ago
Relationship history was I was in a 4yr relationship that ended badly and I was cut up. I had a year out and thought I was ready to date
Met someone straight away on old
We moved too quick - said I need to take things slow and he said he respected that. 3m down the line I'm realising we should have gone slower or maybe I'm now thinking I'm having doubts as he isn't for me ?
I feel awful so please be kind !
So he's nice and lovely and all is good but I have niggles...
Is this normal to have niggles ?
My ex and other ex's haven't felt these before but have always rushed and it's never worked out
We only see each other weekends as he works in week and lives an hour or so away and I have a lo who hasn't meet him yet
Lo is at her dads the weekend and with me in the week
Anyway, niggles are he lives at home with his mum, fine I thought at first but he has NO money !
Now I'm obviously not after money but I am a single ( working ) mum and not that i have money but I have enough to do things as I budget
He gets ok money (more than me !) but still has a credit card with bad apr and I'm just so good with money and not in debt that I just feel when he comes over he says things like ' let's stay in and cook
To save money '
Am I mean to be thinking I don't wanna cook when I cook all week ?!
To be fair he isn't a sponger when we do go out, he does pay but I'm not one for expensive meals anyway so I find we stay in a lot, go for walks, basically do free things
I like staying in but I feel I've met someone who because has credit cards and a car loan, he says he has no extra money.
It's my fault as I feel for him quite quickly and said I love you etc but now I'm finding should I have taken it slower ?
He's respected that I dont want him meeting lo at the mo but I just don't know if I should end things now or if I've being horrible ?!
Sorry for long post just need some outside of my circle advice
Thanks x

Its great you're on alert my love, it's definitely better than ignoring red flags!

I don't even think he's necessarily a wanker, maybe just complacent with money and hasn't had the pressure of being properly financially accountable with no safety net.

You have responsibilities and commitments and sound lovely - I think you just need to meet someone who is an equal and can be a team mate for you rather than being another person you have to take care of.

If you were my friend and asked me about this I'd be saying with love to walk away - it shouldn't be this hard this early and every concern you have now will be more of a concern as time goes on.

Yes you are so right! He's even messaged saying he wants to turn it around and get out of the situation, do over time etc
My friends said the same....thank you my lovely and for all everyone's replies
I feel a bit sad though

Tbh I think it's great you've gone from being unsure to trusting your gut and listening to people who have (unfortunately!) jumped in too quickly ignoring red flags and been burned.

You don't need this stress in your life and if people really want to turn things around they should do it for themselves, not to keep someone in their lives as they tend to then use it as currency in the relationship - "after all I've done for you" etc.

Trust your gut OP and move on x

I think when u recover from a bad relationship it’s easy when u meet someone who initially seems the opposite ( easy going not abusive etc) to be relieved and to ignore their individual set of problems. But finances in a relationship are very important. I think he is looking to move from one mother figure to another as am sure you come across as strong and sorted. Also he is talking about moving in & has not yet met yr LO. What is his Relationship history? I am not saying ltb but be wary.

Yes exactly that, both right
He wasn't my usual type and came across so nice so thought it was refreshing but I think it takes time to get to know someone properly

Well...he's never had a relationship that was really serious, never lived with a girl, ever - he's 31
I was married before, had a child, although very amicable with my ex husband, he has a 'psycho ex' hmm and says has never really had anyone care / love him
Which I find hard to believe
I've had a few long term relationships since teens and moved out at 18 so it's all quite the opposite to me really x

Yeah he often says he would live with me tomorrow !
I was going to wait 6m before he met my lo but obviously way I'm feeling I'm not so sure

Are you honestly still not sure about dumping him? How many red flags do you need? This guy is a disaster waiting to happen.

Well as I say im just confused but yes I guess on paper it's clear
I came on here thinking maybe I'm just being harsh
Everyone is different and at some point need to sort themselves and grow up...like some other posters have said I just feel a bit sad and awful that's all

My love every single thing you add about him is another red flag - I know I don't know you but this is not going to be a healthy relationship.

I only say because I wish someone had told me to take a breath, step back and walk away when I've been in a similar position.

PP is totally right that it's so easy to get caught up in someone who seems different but 3 months in with these red flags galore you can still walk away so easily

@ThatCurlyGirl oh really?
Yeah I know what you mean
And my friends have said the same or similar. But they just trying to be nice I think but yeah along the same lines
I do appreciate you saying what you have. You've spent a lot of time talking to me and I do appreciate it. As the other posters have said too so thank you all.

I’ve been on both sides of this scenario. When I was in my mid 20s I got myself into £1000s of debt due to my own stupid behaviour and living beyond my means. I eventually managed to sort it out and I’ve had a great credit report for years. No credit card debt now, I’m careful without being tight.
My ex was a financial disaster. He told me he’d remortgaged and paid off all his debts but in the year I was with him he used his credit card all the time and I caught a glimpse of his bank balance once which was about £3k overdrawn.
Having been reckless in my youth I’ve learnt my lesson. My exes financial situation made sure I knew I’d never live with him. It wasn’t why we split up but it was when I knew we weren’t really going anywhere long term. I think it’s self protection. It’s not fickle. It’s not mean. It’s a big huge issue

Thanks @JK1773 and the key thing is about your post, in your 20's! He's 31! And I too was in a huge amount debt in my 20's - talking 1000's here
It took me all my 20's to pay off ! I hit 30, debt free
Met someone who was in debt and got me in a bit of financial difficulty took a while to get back to no debt and great credit score
So meeting someone who's in his situation it just seems bad....yeah I've been there but learnt from it
X

Exactly OP. I was debt free by 30 also and saving for a house of my own. I think once you’ve spent years worrying about debt the thought of it happening again is a huge worry.

Yes that's true, I never wanna go through that worry again
So yes protecting yourself and my lo
I only rent and I would love to buy one day. I have small savings but nothing much
But I hope day I can buy
But this guy cant even afford to move out?! Not that that's relevant now but there is no future

It's not just his evaporating money that's a concern, it's his hurry: talking about marriage and moving in when he's only known you 3 months. Big red flag.

Why can't he get a second or third job to clear debt & save up ?
Who wants to stay in & cook on a date night ! Suggest cinema, bowling, theatre, other things to do

Well he said he IS doing that now
But just seems too little too late
Again just feel too little too late now

It’s a crap relationship so walk awAy!

And also the thing is about a second job when he already works FT it's hard to fit in in so will be adhoc so the little amount he will get can't see that making any difference when he has hundreds a month that he still manages to not know where it goes
Anyway we spoke last night and it got very heated.....he was an idiot with some of the things he said

That doesn't sound good OP, has it help you make your mind up?

Hopefully him being an idiot last night will just make it easier for you to end this.
Even if he’s not angling to move in cheaply with you, you just have a totally different financial outlook. Not compatible.

I could date someone who took out a loan for a more exotic car than I would... I can accept different priorities. I couldn’t date someone who wasn’t doing everything to pay off a credit card.

Yeah it has apart from he upset me and I don't know why I spent last night giving him the time of day
He said he has ' treated me nothing like a princess' I had to laugh so that annoyed him as I asked him what his definition of that actually is because there is no way it's the same as mine! It went on and on and I saw another side of him and he said he was seeing my true colours ?
I'm so annoyed at myself with what I said though .....we were talking about something and to summarise the story....he said ' I'll think I'll upload that pic on fb of you' referring to a pic of my leg..sounds so so silly but it's a sexy pic let's put it that way....and I was soooo stunned he would say something so pathetic and immature I was taken back and felt sick....so I called him a C word...so then the conversation went on how he's never been called that, seen a different light to me, I'm aggressive
I didn't handle the situation well I'll be honest and I'm so annoyed at myself
So yes it has made me sure from hearing his shit but I wasn't really any better than him now....as I say why I spent so long arguing with him last night! I do not know
But I did get it all off my chest so least he knows now!
But he's texted this morning saying can we sort it out before it's too late ?!
Oh geeze

After 3 months, you've learned enough about him to realise he;s not right for you. That's allowed. Just break it off with him nicely.

Duh. Sorry, the late rpart of the thread didn't upload. Ignore my post.

There's a saying OP, 'Never marry someone you wouldn't want to be divorced from'. This applies to all relationships really, he's proved himself to be a nasty person to break up with, blackmail? He's bad news.