Too much too soon, now what

[bmlover]

So I met someone 3'months ago
Relationship history was I was in a 4yr relationship that ended badly and I was cut up. I had a year out and thought I was ready to date
Met someone straight away on old
We moved too quick - said I need to take things slow and he said he respected that. 3m down the line I'm realising we should have gone slower or maybe I'm now thinking I'm having doubts as he isn't for me ?
I feel awful so please be kind !
So he's nice and lovely and all is good but I have niggles...
Is this normal to have niggles ?
My ex and other ex's haven't felt these before but have always rushed and it's never worked out
We only see each other weekends as he works in week and lives an hour or so away and I have a lo who hasn't meet him yet
Lo is at her dads the weekend and with me in the week
Anyway, niggles are he lives at home with his mum, fine I thought at first but he has NO money !
Now I'm obviously not after money but I am a single ( working ) mum and not that i have money but I have enough to do things as I budget
He gets ok money (more than me !) but still has a credit card with bad apr and I'm just so good with money and not in debt that I just feel when he comes over he says things like ' let's stay in and cook
To save money '
Am I mean to be thinking I don't wanna cook when I cook all week ?!
To be fair he isn't a sponger when we do go out, he does pay but I'm not one for expensive meals anyway so I find we stay in a lot, go for walks, basically do free things
I like staying in but I feel I've met someone who because has credit cards and a car loan, he says he has no extra money.
It's my fault as I feel for him quite quickly and said I love you etc but now I'm finding should I have taken it slower ?
He's respected that I dont want him meeting lo at the mo but I just don't know if I should end things now or if I've being horrible ?!
Sorry for long post just need some outside of my circle advice
Thanks x

Yes so true ! Mummy no 2 lol
I've just been through so much hurt and stress and I feel a relationship should give you a break and you should enhance each other
I feel I do that to him....
But he's also very sweet and nice my ex had a temper and was nasty and this guy is so lovely I almost feel a bit sad
Such mixed emotions

I agree with you OP that it is about the choices.

How does anyone live with their mum, work during the week and end up with no money? It just doesn't sit right with me. Either he is too keen on the finer things in life and exceeds his means in order to get them - shallow, weak willed and immature. Or he has some other habit you are unaware of (drinking, gambling ext..).

What will happen when he moves out or in with you? will you be expected to indulge his over spending on pointless shit, or perhaps, even contribute?

Also:
He constantly says I'm the one loves me ...after 3 months? Isn't that a bit soon...maybe not...but i'd be curious as to when he started saying you were 'the one', other people might suggest you are dealing with a potential future 'cocklodger' ( I believe is the mumsnet word xD) here.

DH and I met in early to mid 20s and he wasn’t in much of a better position that this guy you’re dating. Lived with parents, paying back a loan he should never had taken out, much lower income than your guy and really poor with managing it, and suggested a lot of cheap dates (staying in watching films etc) in the early days when he was particularly struggling. To be fair, he’d bring the food and drink round most of the time though.

The difference is, I saw it going somewhere. I could see why he was in that position (his parents are terrible with money) and I knew I wanted to be with him anyway. There were no niggles for me. He doesn’t have to be a bad guy for you to just know it isn’t right for you, in the same way as I did know my partner was right for me. You don’t need to look for a red flag to know that continuing with the relationship isn’t the best thing for you.

Lovely OP, your ex was nasty, angry and aggressive

Guessing he wasn’t like that in the first 3M was he?

If you already have had a relationship like this, it’s entirely Possible that you could be at risk of falling for the same line again.

The faster they heat up, the faster they cool, and when they cool it gets nasty. If he turns, it’ll go bad FAST.

Your instincts are tripping for a reason, he’s not a good prospect and there is a great deal of risk that he could be a wrong sort

Listen to your gut and get rid.

You’re not his mum, you want someone to add to your life in a positive way, not drag you down further

@TeaForTheWin hmm interesting
He said it very early on, he bombards me with texts and calls and I did say a few times to slow it down but to be fair he does
He constantly says he wants to move in and talks about marriage
But he also knows I'm wanting to take my time
It's like I have to keep making him realise
Guess I feel I've lost a bit of me time

@Rando42 thanks for sharing
That's VERY true, there doesn't have to be anything wrong to end this, like someone else said we just aren't on the same page I don't think
He does bring the food but only coz I said what are we doing about food and have to put the thought in his head, it's annoying to have to do that
And yes I know his situation isn't ideal and maybe it could come of something but he just seems a bit wreckless with it
I thought it was me being picky but I do feel sure that I should maybe end things

@MzHz yes ! 100%
I just felt maybe because I had been treated bad then I was pushing away a good guy
Like maybe this guy was normal
Maybe I lost sight of it as I was with someone who was bad
I did the freedom programme spent a year alone and I just initially clicked with this person but as time has gone on i just have a gut feeling
I'm so so protective of my lo and my new found happiness and freedom that I'm worried I'm going to lose it if I carry on with this person
But if I can be honest he's a little ' tight ' but like my friend said he just doesn't have any money
But concerning when I have rent bills etc to pay and he doesnt and still says he has no money ( this was a week after pay day )

So he has a take home pay of roughly £1600, pays out around £700 per month and has NO money??

Yeah right sunshine. Jog on.

Well I mean it's more than that
His fuel is over £200 a month, that I know and he said he spends about £50-60 on food so that's another couple of hundred a month so I've worked out £1100-£1200 a month but still yeah loads left over ?!

The lack of money is a bit odd. Is there any chance he puts some of it into a savings account every month?

Nope! He says he has no savings
As we've spoken about the future etc and he said he has bad credit? He checked and it was fair
He says because he has missed payments to his cards
It's just a massive red flag to me and I myself are financially stable and I have been stung by being with an ex who made bad money choices
He isn't that bad but he couldn't afford to move out and rent with me ?! Not that I would think about that but he often says things about it

Sorry but I too think future cocklodger. You should be out having fun with a BF of three months, not spending every weekend stuck in cooking - what a waste of your DC-free time! plus you have to nudge him about contributing!

So many threads about this type of man lately. Seems to be an epidemic of freeloaders!

This seems a little strange to me .To not have any money a week after payday .Do you think he has racked up spending on these credit cards?(So having to pay back a lot in interest then next month using it again and so on).Perhaps you could say in a joke ,why dont you have any money then youve only just got paid!.If you have a "Gut" feeling deep down then dont ignore that ,its often a flag for you.Maybe he is helping his Mum out or there may be another reason .If he constantly says about moving in ,and getting married also could be trying to freeload or alternatively be genuine .Why dont you say you think things are going a little fast ,see what his reaction is!

bm lover, it's very early days in your relationship. Enjoy it for what it is and give it time, all will be revealed eventually.

Nope! He says he has no savings

Very strange then. Do you think he's a gambler?

Op, ne maybe better than your Ex but really he isn't great. Why are you even considering settling?
I see talk of moving in and marriage as red flags as way too early.

raise your bar, value yourself more and end it.

When there are so many options out there, don’t settle for something that your gut is telling you isn’t right.

He really sounds like a potential cocklodger if he is talking about moving in after only 3 months yet has no money! Too many red flags here - something seems off

@QueenOfTheCroneAge
Yes exactly having to bloody nudge ! Never had that before
With friends / boyf anything
He goes on how lovely my flat is and yes it is I love it ! But you're right every weekend in

@dottiedodah well I've said about the cards and he said he does use them to get buy in the month! Worrying hey
He's maxed it
He pays £80 month and £50 of it is interest
He says he's trying to get himself in a better financial position
Hmm

No I certainly won't settle
And I suppose I'm in the middle of deciding if it's me being mean or not. From advice here it's not me being mean or materialistic
He has said maybe he can spend half the week at mine once he's met lo so say 3-4 nights a week
In the future. And he says things like when are living together but yes it's far too soon but as I say because I've said love you back etc and I do fancy him and show him affection back he's oblivious

I don't think I've ever discussed finances in detail after three months! It's a red flag enough that you're needing to do so this early I think (because he is already taking the piss) or am I just a really slow burner? Really think this one sounds more trouble than it's worth OP

@ThatCurlyGirl so maybe that's my fault then ? Because my ex got me in financial difficulty and we struggled for a while.took me a while to build myself back up so guess I wanted to have that chat sooner rather than later ?
He talked openly about it
He said he wanted to buy a house one day
As I do ...
So I said oh great so Living at home least you can save for a nice deposit etc and he was like nope he just had enough to get by ?!
So then it went on from there really

Not your fault as such, no - just that it's very early IMO to need to talk about finances. If he'd been on an equal footing financially and you hadn't felt he was taking the Mickey with costs then you wouldn't have had to discuss it in as much detail, a quick convo would have been clear you were both ok financially.

Based on your last post I actually think considering your ex's behaviour and how your current boyfriends finances you've been smart to raise it early, but you need to act on it and end things if you think you're not financially compatible or he might take advantage

Ah I see. Yes I see what you mean.
Because he has come across tight in some situations and bearing in mind these are little niggles over a couple of months rather than massive issues if that makes sense
Also it's hard at the beginning when it all seems so amazing !
But I feel I'm on alert from my last relationship
Enough to end this now ? Or give it sometime ? That I don't know 🤷‍♀️
From what I've read on here and wanting to do the right thing
And advice to get rid, feel a bit torn if I'm honest