Affair just started, is it ever OK?

[Allinadayswork3]

Hello everyone,

Hmmm, I am the wife struggling with infidelity. It is me that is resorting to doing anything I can to cope with my marriage / other stressors and not break up our family of 3 little ones, I know that sounds completely counter intuitive.

DH was really into me when we met, as you would expect. But we moved quickly having spent hours discussing how we would like life to be when we got married. Since babies and in between there is no motivation on his part to be intimate. And when I initiate I am often rejected. Not great for self-esteem. I love intimacy and he seemed fairly tactile when we met, enough so. He doesn't like it if he has to change anything or give up the things he might have done before marriage, as so I no longer make the suggestions which means I resent every minute he sits in front of the TV not helping with the house or children. He is the main bread winner and I though that was is as he pushed hard for me to go back to work becuase his wage doesn't quite keep us afloat. Now I work 4 days and he is worse becuase he has to look after the children for 2 days and work a high level job for 5. Some restbite in that he works from home many days and have time off to run a club which is allowed in his work contract.

DH is very grumpy and rather than discuss any issues that crop up he basically ignores me, no matter which tac I take. Even if I just let everything go and am considerate, polite, affectionate with no sexual tone, he would take that and perhaps return a foot massage if I ask. But nothing is coming from him. He had been under immense pressure but is succeding at work, he also has not enjoyed early years of children and I resent him stonewalling me so much and making me fee like I am the problem that I have become angry and resentful with him. He was drinking too much and has it underconntrol with the odd wobble. He also is overweight and suffers from gout, but anything I do to try and ask him about or support a healthier life is snubbed. So meal times have gone, bed time, intimacy, doing date night which I had set up or they don't happen, all of that has gone and on top of that me working and getting us out of a tight money spot had taken it's toll. Non of these things excuse him getting angry and being awful to the kids, and rude to me. I really love him and am very attracted to him but am no longer entertaining him. He started getting angry that I am not about anymore and I explained that I didn't think he wanted me to be about anymore....I don't like just sitting on the sofa becuase it always leads to us falling asleep and him staying there. I explained I needed a little compliment here and there, some positivity and intimacy regulalry if I was to cope with the way we have set up our lives at the moment, and to stay together happily. But he still just hits a point after maybe a day of trying that he has to retreat into the man cave. Flowers, they were regular but stopped. He doesn't return calls, but can be incredibly romantic, and that hurts now he isn't. I looked it all up and feel like it is emotional abuse, and my response has been abusive when I have got the the point of feeling he is giving nothing. I hint at things to help himself kickstart a new way of living, take some space if you need it, go away and stay with a friend, live with your folks, rent a carvan, whatever, go on a lads weekend. Whatever! I even try saying nothing. It is so hard, then one day someone in a nightclub (not my usual habitat) started dancing with me. We danced ceroc, and after a few hours of non stop dancing we took water, and saw that we actually found each other attractive, so danced some more. Then it was late and we didn't want to say goodbye after so few words and such an amazing connection. We were both attached and in the end he lived abroad so we decided to just walk about hand in had and say goodbye. That made me think. But then I boxed it up and talked with hubs about taking up dancing or something and he tried but then dropped out. Then another club and I actively engaged sharking brain, for my sister who was single, and it was me that attracted a couple of seemingly decent chaps. One wanted to be in touch as we had had a great natter. So we just added each other on FB. We met up the next day, I was not interested in an affair and had said that, and we just thought it would be nice to finish our conversation less drunk. DH saw that addition on FB and basically looked up the guy and told me that if I went anywhere near him he would call the police saying I was an unfit mother! Brilliant. Then I realised his strategy to keep his life in control is to undermine, he decides to pick a fight as soon as he wants a drink, or to do his own thing, which is a few times a week. Just bowled me over to have identified the behavioural pattern. We spoke and he feels bad about it and feels worse if I raise it, but I asked how else can we get around and along with it if we don't understand it and what we might be able to do to support each other in tricky times? So, it is continously in this loop and having said I am too tired of it to keep bridging all the gaps and firefight all the time I explains I don't know what I can do now...how do I feature in all of this, I can be kept in a damned if you do and damned if you don't situation forever. He also does 'take my offer on this or I will retract more than the offer' bargaining with me which is humiliating. So I have made myself independent, and no longer consult him on things except some kids things. We function and I am polite to him in front of the children, sometimes we laugh and smile and have really nice days to and the kids obviously love that, but I'm sad about the undue level of tension they will be absorbing, it isn't what I want.

The most recent thing has been my idea to seek an affair online. To regian some intimacy whilst I work out what to do, also to give me some much needed attention. I have met someone also married with 2. He has explained fully his situation which is similar, controlling partner witholding affection and being unkind. And interstingly offered me some understanding of my husband becuase we both think that after some time partners might come around and our support for each other might give us the zest to turn things around. It is working in that I now feel better and feel generally more loving and tolerant (ps we are starting to fall for one another but have not been particularly physical yet, a kiss at the end of the short times we spend in a pub, we are being very cautious in case it isn't what we actually want to do, testing the waters so to speak).

I want to hear from any people who aren't going to just try and shoot me down for fun / personal gain here becuase I'm just interested in some perspective and hearing of some experiences that might offer useful tips on how to navigate, work through how to go forwards becuase I am enjoying feeling cared about again, but not the dishonesty. I think if DH started to enjoy marriage and kids and intimacy without the need to defend his freedom so much we could have it all. I don't like feeling like I am not important to 2 men when it is tricky for the affair to find a time to get together. Basically I have no problem with my situation but I am unsure of how that might change going forwards. Obviously I could hurt 2 men and be alone, I could just get on with leaving my husband. But I don't want to leave what we have if he simply is just having a tricky time temporarily! HE won't talk to me about any of it. He literally walks out.

Could you discuss going to marriage counselling with your H?

Your marriage sounds rather miserable and he must feel the same.

Perhaps a non accusatory discussion with him, where it's presented as a joint problem...looking how you can both improve things.

Maybe start by asking him if he's happy with how things are.

I really don’t understand why you mean when you say you don’t want to break your family... your family is already broken, well broken, you are only living under the same roof.

IMO you have two options:

1. Be honest with yourselves and fix your relationship
2. Be honest with yourselves and accept is time to move on. You are not a couple anymore, he is not attracted to you and you are playing with the idea of an affair.

Your children would be better off with separated parents, than living with a father who is emotionally distant/abusive, and a mother pulling this crap.

I agree that you should walk even though
I've never come across a child
In my work who has not been badly affected by the break up
Of their parents marriage though so be sure that is what you want in the long term . Be absolutely sure . There has to be a limit as to what a child is exposed to .

He's also married with children?

Do you really even need to ask?

Totally understand where you are coming from and have been in a similar place and followed similar path.
Having this sort of an affair with someone in a similar boat worked for me.
Like with you - originally it gave me a bit of life energy that made my life more bearable. I could shield myself from my H’s moods and complains better.
And in the meanwhile - i slowly started getting stronger. In my case - I knew my marriage was not fixable - but kids were still small and I just couldn’t yet make a move.
It took a few years. The affair helped me get to a place where I could finally make a decision and chose a path forward.
So - I have no regrets. It worked for me.
But here on MN - you’ll never be told that affair is ever Ok. 🤷🏻‍♀️

You don’t need to add the attention of this s other man into an already unhealthy mix, make a decision to end your marriage and spend time alone

Please don't go down the affair route. If you are unhappy in your marriage talk to your partner and if it cant be worked out leave. I have been the one cheated on. I cannot tell you how hard it is and the effect my STBXH 's affair had on my mental health and general happiness...it is horrendous. It sounds like you have checked out of your marriage already. Be the bigger person and tell your husband how you feel. What I will say do not stay together for the sake of the children if you are that unhappy. I brushed my husbands infidelities under the carpet for 4 years and believed his lies to keep the family unit together. However after eventually finding the strength to ask him to leave myself and the children are happier than ever.

IMO no, it's never ok. Either fix what you have, or separate and start again. Both take work, but no excuse for cheating when there is an option.

I don't think an affair is ever OK...but I also understand in the real world people can't face the financial repercussions of breaking up a marriage/relationship but are truly unhappy with their life so resort to seeking affection elsewhere.

For what it's worth I think this could do your ego more damage. You'll be knowingly betraying your marriage vows, knowingly interfering in someone else's marriage and basically living a double life. That must come at a personal cost and will only alienate your husband further because he will literally be the last person on your mind when you want to share any kind of happiness. This won't give your marriage a chance to breath again. It'll suffocate it.

If I was in the same position as you I'd be making plans to leave rather than have an affair. It'd be better for everyone in the long term.

Life isn’t a rehearsal, you get one shot at it! Do you really want to waste years and years being so unhappy?

No it's not ok. Let's say your husband is the biggest cunt going and no one cares about the impact on him. Let's say we believe the tale of how an affair can build tour confidences to leave etc

This man has a partner and children. What is wrong with you? People will say, you didnr make promises to hee or he will cheat anyway. But why would you allow yourself to be the person involved in disrespecting her? In causing her so much pain.

You dont want to leave because finances and childcare is sorted. I get that. But your marriage is miserable. That doesnt do the kids any good. Leave him and then you can shag and single bloke you want.

If/when your affair comes out it your kids wont see that their parents marriage was an unhappy one that just didnt work. They will see that their mum, cheated (cause he will tell them if you description of him is accurate and not the usual crap people come up with the justify affairs) and destroyed the marriage.

All his bad behaviour doesnt excuse what you are doing. You want to shag around. Do it. But dont so it with attached men and leave your marriage.

I'm sorry to hear that you're so unhappy in your marriage, but when this happens there are 2 options -

1. Fix the marriage
2. Walk away

Affairs are not the answer.

As someone who did have an affair due to lack of intimacy in my marriage, I have to ask: are you mad?

In my case, the lack of intimacy was the sole problem and ex (note that word) was and is an amazing dad. We agreed on an open marriage, I fell in love with another man, and divorced my ex.

No way would I have begun to travel that path in your scenario. Your husband is clearly not a nice man and is emotionally abusive. If you get discovered, he is liable to tell your children about the affair AND make more noises about custody.

Plus, the other man is married. You KNOW the state of your marriage and what your relationship is actually like. What you don't know for sure, is what this other man's marriage is like. His wife may believe everything is fine and he may be bullshitting about her being controlling. An affair revealed to her may be like a knife in her heart and ruin their family life. Could you be responsible for that?

If you WERE daft enough to have an affair instead of leaving this awful man who sounds like a dreadful father, make damn sure it is with a single man so you are only risking your own family.

Given what I did, I know life isn't black and white. But this just has catastrophe written all over it.

PS, My ex would go to the grave before he tells my DD that we had an open marriage. I knew that before I even broached the subject with him. Ex gets on with my new man and no animosity at all. They go out for beers together.

If you don't think your husband would approach a split like that - by ALWAYS putting the kids first and keeping sctum about the sexual aspects of your marriage, then you stand to lose more than just him. Your kids too if they are turned against you.

How about you tell your husband things need to change immediately or you're out, rather then messing about with someone else's husband ?

Agree with @sunshinecake

An affair would only make things worse.

Go see a solicitor and find out what your rights are and file for divorce.

Your H is a mean arse and clearly you are miserable. Just end it.

Suddenly a lot of first time posters springing up talking about flirting or having affairs. I thought half term was next week?

My position is similar but reversed - my H had an emotional affair and then left me to make it physical with her - but I was the one showing the abusive behaviour. We are trying again (for the second time) both acknowledging the problems that led to him doing stuff (not abusive but borderline controlling and disrespectful) that created the resentment in me that led to my poor behaviour.

The key thing for us though was/is that we never stopped loving each other and being intimate - although we were not intimate whilst separated - I mean during the bad times we were together.

I can forgive his actions as I feel responsible and guilty and because I know deep down he would never have done this if he was happy/I hadn't been so awful to live with.

So whilst I agree that an affair shouldn't be "the answer", I understand that people do sometimes seek solace outside the marriage. Probably more so men as they are socialised into not talking about their feelings etc with their friends.

My advice would be to work on your marriage if at all possible. Be honest with your H and stop seeking affairs. Give it a chance and if you both cannot move forward positively, split up and be alone for a while. That is your best chance at happiness and inner peace long term.

I haven't read all of your post - it was very long and dense. However, I have read enough to see you are in an incredibly frustrated and unsatisfying relationship. For whatever reason - If your partner is unable or unwilling to address his issues then you have nowhere to go. Having an affair will merely prolong the inevitable end.

I did this in my dead relationship, it did temporarily alleviate things, but The relationship ended anyway and looking back I wish I had faced the painful truth and ended it cleanly.

When you start having affairs the fallout if discovered (and you will be discovered) will be CATASTROPHIC. And far more painful than facing your fears and trying to be a strong grown-up now.

I would advise that you perhaps ask for a separation to think about things. Be tough and make it clear he needs to help himself. The extent of self discovery this man needs to be a partner who is happy and supportive is unlikely, but you should give him a chance.
Everything you have tried has fallen on deaf ears. He is resentful and depressed and is making you pay. You may be dealing with a partner who is to some extent a passive aggressive (as my ex was) - they leave you horribly frustrated on all levels. And you can't win.

At 58 I now see people sacrifice too much to stay in unsatisfying relationships out of FEAR. Get yourself free. Life will be so much better a few years down the road.

End your marriage. I’m not sure why you haven’t yet? If you are desperate to have a serious conversation with your DH but he keeps walking out. Give him an ultimatum, “walk away and we are done! “
Get some closure and leave.

I’m sorry to say you sound incredibly selfish having an affair. Especially with a married man with children.

You are using those men to get clarity in your marriage.
You would be better of going for some counselling whilst having FRIENDS (rather OM).

FWIW, your DH doesn’t seem to be a nice person to live with. I wouldn’t be happy with regular arguments there just to be able to have to drink/go out etc.. nor would I want my partner or be sat in frit of the TV whilst I do it all.
I think you really need to have a hard look at your relationship. Do you trust him? Do you love him? Or are you resentful for his past behaviour? Can you see yourself live with him, the way he is in 10 years Time ? Do you really think he can or will change (because things clearly need to change on his side too)?

My advice would be to ditch the OM and find a good counsellor instead?

You've written an essay on justifying an (your)affair by blaming your useless husband. It never fails to surprise me how ppl who have affairs can justify anything and blame their partner for their actions.

You should leave your husband before starting any sort of affair.