Hello everyone,
Hmmm, I am the wife struggling with infidelity. It is me that is resorting to doing anything I can to cope with my marriage / other stressors and not break up our family of 3 little ones, I know that sounds completely counter intuitive.
DH was really into me when we met, as you would expect. But we moved quickly having spent hours discussing how we would like life to be when we got married. Since babies and in between there is no motivation on his part to be intimate. And when I initiate I am often rejected. Not great for self-esteem. I love intimacy and he seemed fairly tactile when we met, enough so. He doesn't like it if he has to change anything or give up the things he might have done before marriage, as so I no longer make the suggestions which means I resent every minute he sits in front of the TV not helping with the house or children. He is the main bread winner and I though that was is as he pushed hard for me to go back to work becuase his wage doesn't quite keep us afloat. Now I work 4 days and he is worse becuase he has to look after the children for 2 days and work a high level job for 5. Some restbite in that he works from home many days and have time off to run a club which is allowed in his work contract.
DH is very grumpy and rather than discuss any issues that crop up he basically ignores me, no matter which tac I take. Even if I just let everything go and am considerate, polite, affectionate with no sexual tone, he would take that and perhaps return a foot massage if I ask. But nothing is coming from him. He had been under immense pressure but is succeding at work, he also has not enjoyed early years of children and I resent him stonewalling me so much and making me fee like I am the problem that I have become angry and resentful with him. He was drinking too much and has it underconntrol with the odd wobble. He also is overweight and suffers from gout, but anything I do to try and ask him about or support a healthier life is snubbed. So meal times have gone, bed time, intimacy, doing date night which I had set up or they don't happen, all of that has gone and on top of that me working and getting us out of a tight money spot had taken it's toll. Non of these things excuse him getting angry and being awful to the kids, and rude to me. I really love him and am very attracted to him but am no longer entertaining him. He started getting angry that I am not about anymore and I explained that I didn't think he wanted me to be about anymore....I don't like just sitting on the sofa becuase it always leads to us falling asleep and him staying there. I explained I needed a little compliment here and there, some positivity and intimacy regulalry if I was to cope with the way we have set up our lives at the moment, and to stay together happily. But he still just hits a point after maybe a day of trying that he has to retreat into the man cave. Flowers, they were regular but stopped. He doesn't return calls, but can be incredibly romantic, and that hurts now he isn't. I looked it all up and feel like it is emotional abuse, and my response has been abusive when I have got the the point of feeling he is giving nothing. I hint at things to help himself kickstart a new way of living, take some space if you need it, go away and stay with a friend, live with your folks, rent a carvan, whatever, go on a lads weekend. Whatever! I even try saying nothing. It is so hard, then one day someone in a nightclub (not my usual habitat) started dancing with me. We danced ceroc, and after a few hours of non stop dancing we took water, and saw that we actually found each other attractive, so danced some more. Then it was late and we didn't want to say goodbye after so few words and such an amazing connection. We were both attached and in the end he lived abroad so we decided to just walk about hand in had and say goodbye. That made me think. But then I boxed it up and talked with hubs about taking up dancing or something and he tried but then dropped out. Then another club and I actively engaged sharking brain, for my sister who was single, and it was me that attracted a couple of seemingly decent chaps. One wanted to be in touch as we had had a great natter. So we just added each other on FB. We met up the next day, I was not interested in an affair and had said that, and we just thought it would be nice to finish our conversation less drunk. DH saw that addition on FB and basically looked up the guy and told me that if I went anywhere near him he would call the police saying I was an unfit mother! Brilliant. Then I realised his strategy to keep his life in control is to undermine, he decides to pick a fight as soon as he wants a drink, or to do his own thing, which is a few times a week. Just bowled me over to have identified the behavioural pattern. We spoke and he feels bad about it and feels worse if I raise it, but I asked how else can we get around and along with it if we don't understand it and what we might be able to do to support each other in tricky times? So, it is continously in this loop and having said I am too tired of it to keep bridging all the gaps and firefight all the time I explains I don't know what I can do now...how do I feature in all of this, I can be kept in a damned if you do and damned if you don't situation forever. He also does 'take my offer on this or I will retract more than the offer' bargaining with me which is humiliating. So I have made myself independent, and no longer consult him on things except some kids things. We function and I am polite to him in front of the children, sometimes we laugh and smile and have really nice days to and the kids obviously love that, but I'm sad about the undue level of tension they will be absorbing, it isn't what I want.
The most recent thing has been my idea to seek an affair online. To regian some intimacy whilst I work out what to do, also to give me some much needed attention. I have met someone also married with 2. He has explained fully his situation which is similar, controlling partner witholding affection and being unkind. And interstingly offered me some understanding of my husband becuase we both think that after some time partners might come around and our support for each other might give us the zest to turn things around. It is working in that I now feel better and feel generally more loving and tolerant (ps we are starting to fall for one another but have not been particularly physical yet, a kiss at the end of the short times we spend in a pub, we are being very cautious in case it isn't what we actually want to do, testing the waters so to speak).
I want to hear from any people who aren't going to just try and shoot me down for fun / personal gain here becuase I'm just interested in some perspective and hearing of some experiences that might offer useful tips on how to navigate, work through how to go forwards becuase I am enjoying feeling cared about again, but not the dishonesty. I think if DH started to enjoy marriage and kids and intimacy without the need to defend his freedom so much we could have it all. I don't like feeling like I am not important to 2 men when it is tricky for the affair to find a time to get together. Basically I have no problem with my situation but I am unsure of how that might change going forwards. Obviously I could hurt 2 men and be alone, I could just get on with leaving my husband. But I don't want to leave what we have if he simply is just having a tricky time temporarily! HE won't talk to me about any of it. He literally walks out.