Please help me see sense, this man is vile!

[thegirlracer]

Hey everyone,

I have made an account specially for this subject. Although I do browse MN ofter.

I have just found out that my partner has been cheating on me for the entire duration of our relationship. I asked him to leave, immediately and I have not asked for the details as I did not want to know. All I know is that it “wasn’t an affair” and it was random women on one night stands that “meant nothing” to him. As if that’s supposed to make it better!

We have a toddler. So I am now a single parent. The hardest part for me is that never did I ever think that he’d cheat on me as he spent the majority of his time with me and our child so the fact that he’s done it right under my nose is horrible. I feel as though it’s the ultimate betrayal and it’s calculated.

He’s left because I asked him to. We jointly own a house but he’s got hope and wants us to “start again” in the future.

Please, please can I hear ALL of your POSITIVE stories on how you got over a heartbreak and how you coped as a single parent?

I think the single parent aspect I’ll be ok with as he was lazy and I did everything anyway.

It’s more of how do I cope during these dark days? As he looks pretty ok in himself because he no longer carries the guilt. Whereas I’m crying every night and am just generally heartbroken and feel completely betrayed because my family has just been ripped apart.

How long did it take for the pain to lessen, and for you to stop thinking of them and the what ifs? While he’s asking about our future I’m tempted into going back.

But I KNOW that temptation is coming from a place where I will do anything at this point just to stop the pain. But I know I will be better off without him.

Please give my head a shake and make me see sense!

I should add, I am financially independent from him (heard far too many horror stories of women being screwed over and left with no way out) although it killed me to be away from my baby, I work full time at a job I love with colleagues I adore.

We are unsure what to do with the house although for now me and our child are staying there and eventually I will ask him to buy me out which will enable me to buy my own property.

I’m retaking up an old hobby, planning nights out with friends, and I’ve also been considering doing the open university, a course which is something I’ve wanted to do for a long time. Is study a bad idea when my mind is a mess? I’ve no idea!

I already eat healthy, exercise and don’t smoke, drink or eat junk.

Gimmie you’re best advice people because I feel hella lonely right now!

You seem to have everything under control, with hobbies, nights out, gym and work.

The rest is down to time, I'm not sure how long you have been separated. And sometimes that feeling lonely can still occur if you are with someone/single for a long time etc.

You said he's cheated your whole relationship but he says it was a one night stand? So has he done this before?

I honestly found it hard at first, but then doing things for me, really helped. I made sure I got out on nights in. Also when I had those lonely times, I would go for a walk down the beach or remind myself "why would I want someone like that"

I can tell you it DOES get easier and you DO get to a point where you actually look at them and think "WTF was I crying over"

Find a comedy box set, I found switching something funny and easy to watch on the TV helped me stop overthinking.

And remember one thing!!! You are setting an example for your child of what is acceptable and not! What you should tolerate and shouldn't and most importantly you will teach him strength.

Believe me, my son is now 20 and he was little when I left his dad. But he always says my mum is so strong and doesn't tolerate fools (no idea why he thinks that haha) but that's the impression I've gave him in ire.

Thanks lifegoes,

We have be together for 4 years and he has had one night stands with different women through the entire duration. I didn’t really go into detail as I didn’t really want to know but he has told me he’s always been addicted to one night stands and was doing it before me met me.

He says it’s not personal to me and there was nothing I could have done “better”

I’m really struggling with my emotions because one day I feel strong, the next I’m re-reading our old texts/love letter/Emails thinking that it was a lie all along.

You sound like a strong, sensible women... he really doesn’t deserve you.
It’s hard and the dark days are dark but I PROMISE it does get easier. My STBXH left me 10 months ago.. we was together 11 years from when I was 17 and only married a year when he just decided he didn’t love me anymore and that was that.. he moved on very quickly and it hurt like hell but I kept focused and putting one foot in front of the other. He will likely try and fill your head with pity to feel sorry for him but you just have to remind yourself that you and your child deserve so much more than a man that can go out and do that to someone.

What helped me was getting my ducks in a row quickly, I made plans to buy him out the property and get his name off the deeds and filed for divorce all within 3 months of him leaving because 1) I knew I could never forgive him and 2) It helped me with closure.

Don’t be afraid to tell people when you’re struggling, it’s ok to not be ok when going through this but do your best to keep busy and focus on day by day rather than anything too far ahead.

Sending you love and I hope his penis falls off.

Delete the messages. HARD but you must.

Instead write a list of al the things he's done bad, the way he's made you feel, what he never did.

It doesn't matter if he had this these "one night stands" before you. The fact is, he has such huge disrespect for you. And YOU are the mother of his child!! And he still can't keep it in his pants.

He has seen you hurt and doesn't care so has continued to do this.

This is FACT! So write that at the top of your list. Because nobody, can love someone if they are happy to keep going with other people, hurt you, betray you and then dismiss it as "it's not an affair"

Missbee90 you have really cracked me up! “I hope his penis falls off”

I feel better already. Thank you for your kind words.

I know that there is two sides to a story but I can tell you all with complete honesty that I have done nothing but love and support this man and be there for him, we have a beautiful house, I do absolutely everything for our amazing DS and I’m generally a decent person so I’m just feeling a bit sorry for myself.

I know ultimately it will get better. The hardest part is seeing him. Because he is filling my head with stuff but I can’t go NC because he comes around to visit DS.

Lifegoes,

He is “shocked” and “truly hurt” because he didn’t think that it would have hurt me this much. How could he not know that this would hurt me? It’s not only hurt me, it’s completely destroyed my heart into shreds.

I would be in a pit of depression right now if it wasn’t for lovely DS who makes me smile on the regular!

But if he's done this before, did he not see the hurt before?

He's not shocked you are so hurt by it. He's shocked you have stood up for yourself and kicked him out. Because you have taken him back before (for whatever reasons) he's always know you will tolerate it.

The only way some people understand what they have done is wrong, is my ensuring the consequences of their actions are followed through.

You should be proud of yourself, you have taken the biggest step of all And made the break. I don't know you, but I'm proud of you as I know it's hard

Keep using this site as support on top f the support you have. There is nothing wrong with also visiting a GP if you start to feel down. Maybe book a few sessions with a local therapist to help understand why you even tolerated it for so long. They can really help you move on.

Sounds like you have a lot of it under control which is brilliant.

However, letting him come round to visit DS is a mistake. You need as little contact as possible. I don't know how old your son is, but you need to hand him over at the door. Have set times for pick up and drop off so that nothing needs to be discussed.

At drop off, take your son and shut the door. keep contact to texts and emails only.

If you are afraid of letting him back in you have to maintain distance!

Also, it makes it too easy for him. He needs some inconvenience and needs to have to make an effort now that he has fucked up his family life. He now needs to organise his own time with his son properly.

Addicted to one night stands?
Generally speaking men are much more up for casual one night stands than women are, I don't mean that women aren't interested in casual sex more than they have reasons to be nervous of men that they are unfamiliar with
In my opinion a man with an addiction to one night stands is quite likely to be satisfying his compulsion by paying for sex because this is by far the easiest way to get no strings sex if your a man

You're*

If he's shocked that you are so upset, he must have a screw loose somewhere. If he thought you'd be fine with it (i.e. not shocked) then why did he keep all those one night stands a secret? What he's shocked about is the fact that his lovely life is crumbling and falling apart and that you haven't lain down with 'doormat' stamped on your forehead.

I’m glad it made you smile. My STBXH actually said to me “I can’t believe how upset you are” and “I didn’t realise how much you loved me until now” - so I remember the bullshit lines.
I also wasted hours reading messages and letters .. he wrote in a card 6 days before leaving me (first wedding anniversary card) how he couldn’t ever imagine life without me and I was the only good in his life blah blah. These “men” are broken, what they say VS what they do are different and actions speak louder than words.

I think you should put some agreements in place about him seeing his child as him coming to the home and you seeing him will cause you further hurt and allow him to think he has a way back x

You're in shock, give yourself time to grieve, you will get over it. Sounds like you're doing all the right things, keeping busy, planning stuff. Remember no matter how much you love someone you need to love yourself more

Get checked for STIs OP

What helps with going through the pain, I think, is knowing that this is the adjustment - it shows you're an emotionally intelligent human. It's cathartic in the end.

At times he seems to be fine, freed from the guilt possibly, and at other times he's shocked at how upset you are. (Yeah right - PP has nail on head: he's just shocked you have opinions of your own on this.) No wonder it's painful for you - he is not the person you thought he was! He doesn't even seem to have worked out which role he wants to play in this.

Anyway, focus on the benefits of the single life. It's draining having a lazy partner around - you've not got that now. Make more time for your friends. Enjoy your DC. And when the pain hits, ride it out till it fades. That's the only way through to the other side. And the other side is great.

He has lost a loyal, loving partner and that he will have to live with forever, you have lost a cheating liar - just keep reminding yourself that x

Sorry guys I’m just with a financial adviser as we speak (having just left the GUN clinic!)

I will catch up with all of your lovely replies later on.

But I just wanted to clarify that I have NOT forgiven him in the past. He came clean to all the cheating last week and he’s told me it’s been going on the whole time we were together and I’ve never known until right now.

So no I haven’t found out in the past and forgiven/gone back to him I’ve JUST found out now!

GUM clinic that was supposed to say

I'm so sorry that's happened to you, it's awful. I had a partner years ago that was the same, although the relationship didn't get to the point yours did as he was terrible at covering his tracks.
I think it's important to focus on the fact that if you hadn't found out he'd have continued that behaviour and more years could have gone past before you found out. Every day from here on out is an opportunity to live a real authentic life and not one that's full of lies!
You're in control of your happiness now, not him, which is great news because he clearly didn't value you the way you deserve.
Once you're past the hard part your life will be more amazing than you could ever thought possible!

DONOT DELETE THE MESSAGES, that’s your proof of ‘unreasonable behaviour’. And will help in your divorce.
Why not back them up somewhere and leave til you need them?
You sound like you are very capable, don’t take on the guilt from this HE behaved little a boy and not a man. You do not want your child to be that person.
The best revenge is no revenge at all. Move on hold your head high and leave no room for him in your new life.
His choices...his mess....his loss!
Good luck 😉

Sorry OP that's my fault for assuming you had taken him back before.

Even worse that he just admits it all as if he's just been popping to the shop to buy cigarettes and secretly been smoking. And doesn't understand why you are angry.

Good luck with everything

GUN clinic wasn't a real typo OP, more wishful thinking surely.

Is study a bad idea when my mind is a mess

If you can get into it initially, it could be very good to distract/absorb you.

I'm so sorry this is happening to you, you sound so strong and sensible. That dickhead does not deserve you at all.

Wow as an ex single mum I have to raise my hands up to you and say what an amazing job you have done to already be a strong independent woman. You will be great I have no doubt of that!
Secondly continue all the fun activities with your friends and toddler they will help you through the initial days. In 6 months time, you'll be wondering what you were worried about at the beginning and realising what an escape you've had!
Little advice you are probably following anyway. Make sure these next month's you are enjoying being with you and your DS. That you understand your worth and love yourself warts and all. Too many newly single mum's rush into new relationships in fear and it can land you both in very vunerable positions.

Hey everyone,

Wow well what can I say? Thank you so much for ALL of your supportive posts!

It really helps. I do have help and support irl but it’s always nice to talk to people who have been in your shoes.

The thing that she hurting me the most is how ok he seems to be and how not ok I am. He’s known that this has been going on, so it’s no shock to him. But to me I have to not only deal with the fact that my family has been torn apart, but I keep looking back on the last few years, all the holidays, the fun times, my pregnancy, the birth of our baby have all been a complete lie. It’s just knowing that really.

I feel so sick and disgusted and although I do have my head screwed on (I’ve already taken control of the practical sides and finances) I feel really damaged inside now. Like I’ll never be able to love or trust again.

And cheating has brought about a lot of insecurities as I’m sure it does with everyone like am I too ugly? What is wrong with me? Am I really that awful? Just the whole thing hurts, right to the bottom of my heart. I just feel so desperately sad and completely broken.

I’m ok for the most part at work, and once DS I’m home but once he’s in bed I just cry and miss him.

Can I have some more of the positive stories about being a lone parent? As I absolutely will NOT be dating anytime soon I feel that’s enough to put me off for life!

I’ve already found one positive...is that I can cook whatever I want for me and DS without being told it’s “awful” (I’m not an awful cook btw, he’s the only person who’s ever insulted my cooking while never offering to cook himself!) x