Please help me see sense, this man is vile!

[thegirlracer]

Hey everyone,

I have made an account specially for this subject. Although I do browse MN ofter.

I have just found out that my partner has been cheating on me for the entire duration of our relationship. I asked him to leave, immediately and I have not asked for the details as I did not want to know. All I know is that it “wasn’t an affair” and it was random women on one night stands that “meant nothing” to him. As if that’s supposed to make it better!

We have a toddler. So I am now a single parent. The hardest part for me is that never did I ever think that he’d cheat on me as he spent the majority of his time with me and our child so the fact that he’s done it right under my nose is horrible. I feel as though it’s the ultimate betrayal and it’s calculated.

He’s left because I asked him to. We jointly own a house but he’s got hope and wants us to “start again” in the future.

Please, please can I hear ALL of your POSITIVE stories on how you got over a heartbreak and how you coped as a single parent?

I think the single parent aspect I’ll be ok with as he was lazy and I did everything anyway.

It’s more of how do I cope during these dark days? As he looks pretty ok in himself because he no longer carries the guilt. Whereas I’m crying every night and am just generally heartbroken and feel completely betrayed because my family has just been ripped apart.

How long did it take for the pain to lessen, and for you to stop thinking of them and the what ifs? While he’s asking about our future I’m tempted into going back.

But I KNOW that temptation is coming from a place where I will do anything at this point just to stop the pain. But I know I will be better off without him.

Please give my head a shake and make me see sense!

I should add, I am financially independent from him (heard far too many horror stories of women being screwed over and left with no way out) although it killed me to be away from my baby, I work full time at a job I love with colleagues I adore.

We are unsure what to do with the house although for now me and our child are staying there and eventually I will ask him to buy me out which will enable me to buy my own property.

I’m retaking up an old hobby, planning nights out with friends, and I’ve also been considering doing the open university, a course which is something I’ve wanted to do for a long time. Is study a bad idea when my mind is a mess? I’ve no idea!

I already eat healthy, exercise and don’t smoke, drink or eat junk.

Gimmie you’re best advice people because I feel hella lonely right now!

It's real twmptinh to go back. You have all the right boxes ticked (job, money, future plans). It's the sadness and the temptation to go back to an innocent time.
With my DD's father, I was so tempted. I found that every time I saw him, I had to picture him with another woman to make sure I wasn't tempted.

When he texted me, I had to imagine him lying in our bed texting his other women.

When he called me, I would imagine him ringing me talking about work like he was there while he was in a hotel with another woman.

The anger helped until I could be near him without being sad. Once I got there, i felt better. He couldn't hurt me anymore after he said that he didn't want to know our daughter despite us splitting cos he was a lying cheating rat.

You can do this!! Your a one woman army! Don't settled get urself someone who appreciates you but until that time for us on yourself, keep yourself busy all the time, have a cry at night if u feel like it but don't give too much energy to that sort of thing coz it just makes u sink.. in 2-3 months time u will get used to your life more. Good luck, the only way is up from that loser!

Thing is, getting back together won't stop the pain, it'll prolong it. Every time you look at him you'll know what he's done. Every time you're about to have sex you'll wonder who else he's been having it with lately (and start planning your next trip to the clinic). Every time he's not actually in your presence you'll suspect he's at it again. It's no way to live. However painful the break may be, continually prodding at it won't let it heal.

Then what's this about him insulting your cooking? Pah! I bet you remember a few more of his less endearing ways as time goes on, too.

It's never been whether you were good enough for him. He did what he did - the insulting as well as the ninja shagging - because he was not good enough for you.

OP, firstly I'm so sorry you're going through this. I get the impression from your replies that he wasn't exactly the perfect DH in other respects too. You mention he was lazy and you did everything and that he called your cooking awful.
I became a single mum after my 17 year relationship ended. Probably easier in my case as there was no cheating, I just ended things because I wasn't happy. I still went through dark times for the first few months though.
Now I have never been happier and am even dating again. I promise you will get back your happy again. Just ride this out.

I wasn’t going to reply, everyone else has said what I was thinking, until you mentioned him complaining about your cooking. Really resonated with me, this was my ex’s favourite trick too. He is a grade A prick you are better off without him. I know it’s hard but you are doing great.
All I can say is give it time.

Hey all,

I’m not doing so well today.

The good news is that I’ve now completely severed my financial ties from him. And the feelings of “wanting him back” are slowly subsiding with my brain occasionally thinking “why the hell would you want this man?”

The bad news is that I’m still in so, so much pain about how he could have done this behind my back with me having no idea (well I was too busy taking care of our baby and working!)

Just so hurt and broken at how he could have done this to me x

Hi OP - this is not gonna be an overnight thing. Just accept its going to take you some time to get back on track. Could you perhaps seek some counselling? its always helpful to talk to a professional.

Thanks crappyday,

I have access to free counselling through my employer and where I am in touch with the same therapist who has been supporting me through. He has given me various techniques on how to deal with my emotions.

It’s just a shame the emotions have to be so strong.

Thanks for the advise about the hacker, but he’s admitted it all, I didn’t even have to check is phone/laptop!

oh, thats great. for anybody else just in case :)

You are doing all the right things, girl. Beyond that, it's just time.

My exh had an affair 7 years ago. I discovered it 6 months after my mother died/2 weeks after my dad died. I had no one and nothing.

Once the initial shock was over, and the New Year arrived, I realised that I had 2 choices. To make that the year that I lost my entire family (both parents only children and my dad's widow and children cut contact with us after the funeral) and spend the rest of my life being miserable about it, or I could make it the first year of the rest of my life.

I chose the latter.

I refused to dwell on thoughts of him and his affair. I'm quite lucky in that I switch of emotionally quite easily so I didn't imagine getting back with him. But I was angry at how unimaginative he had been and what a cliche he had become and at how he'd 'stolen' my future from me. And then when all the other lies came tumbling out... well, it's fair to say he well and truly fucked me over. I'll never recover from it now.

My point is that I refused to let myself get drawn into the 'romance' - there's no point. That's all gone. And I didn't let myself get drawn into self pity (or the fucking nonsense that is limerance!) - because it's utterly, utterly futile.

What you are doing - gym, hobbies, friends, considering the OU... those are all the things you need to do to get over it and make an awesome amaing future for yourself without this loser holding you back!

Thanks Just

Guess I am wallowing in self pity right now. I just keep wondering why me? What have I done?

But you’re right. Hobbies, gym, friends are already underway. Next stop...university!

I’m going to make a promise to myself to work on me now and focus on my and my little boy. There is only two of us but by can be a two person family.

And work hard, study and make an amazing life for the both of us x

I think you are doing brilliantly. I know how awful that pain is, there is really nothing else like it. It does get better, honestly. But really, your life has just been turned upside down and your reality has been messed with...it’s no wonder you are emotionally raw.

Him saying ‘I didn’t think you’d be so hurt by this’ means ‘I did know you’d be hurt by it, but if I make out I didn’t, then I can convince you that i’m not as bad as all that.’

I felt that same ‘what is wrong with me’ thing. The answer is nothing. There is something missing in him that this is how he gets some validation in his life. And actually, even if there were something about you that he had a hard time dealing with, he could always have talked to you about it, like an actual adult, or just left the relationship. Believe me, it’s not you. It’s him.

Anyway, i’m In awe of you. You’re amazing.

As for being a lone parent...

I love it, to be honest with you. I have two - 20 and 13 both are at home and I've been separated for 7 years. In that time, I've dated a bit here and there - casual flings and the like - but nothing serious.

I was also a single parent when my first was born until he was 2 when I met my (now ex) husband. Two serious relationships and they both ended the same way. So I have experience of it all alone - from pre-school, through teenage years and it's been fine. We're like a little team.

They see their dad regularly and contact has given me the time to rediscover myself and be me again. He's a reasonable parent and we co-parent well. That's the key. If you can get an amicable/respectful co-parenting relationship going (however you feel about him as a person) then you can make it work in your favour.

I know that at the moment if feels like the bottom has fallen out of your world. Give yourself some time to recover and take back control of your own life.

There is only two of us but by can be a two person family.

Oh you absolutely can! I'm so proud of my children. My eldest is at university and my youngest is just amazing. And I did that. Yes, they have good relationships with him, but I'm the parent. I do the day to day stuff. It's me who instills values in them; me they have the closest relationship with; me who helped them with homework and took/takes them to activities, birthday parties...

My neighbour said to me recently, "they are a credit to you. And I mean you. I know they see him but you are the one who is there every day. Everything they are is down to you"

She was right.

You will be amazing. It doesn't feel like it now. Believe me, I know. But you will be.

And one more thing, there is nothing wrong with you.

This is him. It's all him. It wouldn't have mattered who you were, it's just who he is.

Weak and insecure and with a terrible fear of missing out. What a sad way to live your life.

He might look like he's living a great life now. He's got to really hasn't, or people are going to think he's an even bigger dick than they already do!!

Thank you all for your inspiring messages.

I can see what you are saying that it’s all him and not me. But it’s SO hard to not take it personal.

He even told me the same thing, it’s just the way he is and it wouldn’t have mattered who I was and I couldn’t have done everything different to avoid him doing it.

I guess I just need to accept that I’m not the one for him and never was.

It’s just so damaging to my self esteem because I feel so rejected and unwanted. Unattractive and unlovable. :-(

I hope that in time, my little boy, hobbies, work, study and friends will get me back to the old, confident me who didn’t take shit off of anyone!

There will be no "one" for him. He's not capable of it.

This is entirely a reflection on him and not even slightly one on you!

My exh had an affair. He met someone he fell in love with.

But your husband? He's just sexually incontinent!

You sound fantastic OP. A smarty savvy lady, who will be a fab strong mum to your DS. You can teach him to respect women and their feelings for the future too. You are doing everything right, you are being positive and engaging in positive activities. If you feel like wallowing abit then have a big fat wallow... With a cake. Today you are lost in pain and hurt, it lessens over time, it really does. The silly stupid selfish creature, in the long run he has hurt himself and lost the best thing that will ever happen to him. So senseless. It really isn't about you not being good enough, he must have some massive insecurities to have jeapordised everything, for a sordid shag. Sending you hugs and lots of positive strength.

Wallow...with cake...probably some of the best advice I’ve ever heard!

The best piece of advice is to not let him in the house. No visits in your home - they should all be away from the house. Crack that one and you'll make life so so much easier for yourself

I just wanted to say sorry for your hurt. When you love and trust someone, you aren't expecting this, so don't wonder how you never knew.

He set out to deceive you and with ONS, its easier to do...than with a long term affair.

4 years is bad... but some women (and men) discover affairs that lasted over a decade. If you have the inclination, the double life becomes a way of being and they are comfortable in the deception.

Where you close to his family? Do they know what he's done?

Bad as it is, your DS is young and adjustment is easier. He won't remember mum and dad together.

Hi Sandy,

None of his family know yet. I moved hundreds of miles to live with him because of a job he got (a well paid job, so it made sense) so now I’ve no family around me for hundreds of miles, lucky me! But I’ve made a life for myself here and I wouldn’t consider going back home now. My DS was born here, I love my job, my friends, the area. I really am so happy here.

He was already doing the cheating before he even asked me to move with him. Imagine that? Asking me to move so far away from my family and he’s already cheating. What a bastard!

Im the one laughing though as I’ve now got a better job than his, much more friends and am happier than him!

Daisy, I really need to work and be strict on the visitation of DS. I recognise that is an area in which I’m lacking. Clear boundaries will help I think.

Im so glad you've binned off this repulsive specimen 💪 Be prepared for the shitstorm and/or crocodile tears when he realises youre moving on....

Ive been a single parent for nearly a decade now, financially independant like you. It honestly is so much easier without that dead weight of someone so useless.

Please dont take it personally, his cheating is the marker of a damaged and empty person, someone who has no place with a woman like you.

Do something to boost your self esteem, new clothes have your hair and nails done.... some self care always does wonders.

I also recommend box sets and cream cakes

Look after yourself 💐