Please help me see sense, this man is vile!

[thegirlracer]

Hey everyone,

I have made an account specially for this subject. Although I do browse MN ofter.

I have just found out that my partner has been cheating on me for the entire duration of our relationship. I asked him to leave, immediately and I have not asked for the details as I did not want to know. All I know is that it “wasn’t an affair” and it was random women on one night stands that “meant nothing” to him. As if that’s supposed to make it better!

We have a toddler. So I am now a single parent. The hardest part for me is that never did I ever think that he’d cheat on me as he spent the majority of his time with me and our child so the fact that he’s done it right under my nose is horrible. I feel as though it’s the ultimate betrayal and it’s calculated.

He’s left because I asked him to. We jointly own a house but he’s got hope and wants us to “start again” in the future.

Please, please can I hear ALL of your POSITIVE stories on how you got over a heartbreak and how you coped as a single parent?

I think the single parent aspect I’ll be ok with as he was lazy and I did everything anyway.

It’s more of how do I cope during these dark days? As he looks pretty ok in himself because he no longer carries the guilt. Whereas I’m crying every night and am just generally heartbroken and feel completely betrayed because my family has just been ripped apart.

How long did it take for the pain to lessen, and for you to stop thinking of them and the what ifs? While he’s asking about our future I’m tempted into going back.

But I KNOW that temptation is coming from a place where I will do anything at this point just to stop the pain. But I know I will be better off without him.

Please give my head a shake and make me see sense!

I should add, I am financially independent from him (heard far too many horror stories of women being screwed over and left with no way out) although it killed me to be away from my baby, I work full time at a job I love with colleagues I adore.

We are unsure what to do with the house although for now me and our child are staying there and eventually I will ask him to buy me out which will enable me to buy my own property.

I’m retaking up an old hobby, planning nights out with friends, and I’ve also been considering doing the open university, a course which is something I’ve wanted to do for a long time. Is study a bad idea when my mind is a mess? I’ve no idea!

I already eat healthy, exercise and don’t smoke, drink or eat junk.

Gimmie you’re best advice people because I feel hella lonely right now!

Thank you! Good idea!

I’ve already been out and had a make up tutorial and bought a load of new make up. I’ve bought all new clothes for my hobby that I’m retaking up. I’m also planning on getting a passport for DS and renewing mine and booking a holiday for us to go away with my Mum and Dad abroad.

I’m also wanting some fillers on my face as sleepless nights with DS has aged me about five years in the last year! Of course, I have done EVERY single night feed and every single night get up and early morning get up! Frivolous I know, but without factoring in all the crap he has to buy, I can afford it. In fact I’m much better off weirdly!

The thing that she hurting me the most is how ok he seems to be and how not ok I am.
It's hurting you because you thought he was the same as you: loving, supportive, caring, trusting and FAITHFUL. He is not hurting because he knows he has not been any of these things - this is his normal and he has known his own actions over the years of your relationship.

This is still a huge shock to you: knowing it, trying to understand that your life together has not been what you thought and working what to do now. And, of course, it's hard to stop loving someone you committed to enough to share a life and a child with.

I'm amazed and in admiration of you that you are being so practical and structured in how you are dealing with this whilst still trying to deal with the hurt.

You have probably already thought of this but please check his/your credit score to see he has not taken any loans in your name or made any decisions which will impact your finances in the future.

it’s just the way he is and it wouldn’t have mattered who I was and I couldn’t have done everything different to avoid him doing it.
Some people are just bottom feeders. It really IS who/what they are and they can't see why anyone else would have a problem with that - even though he kept it secret for so long.

I’m also planning on getting a passport for DS and renewing mine and booking a holiday for us to go away with my Mum and Dad abroad.
Great idea OP and I hope you all have a wonderful time. I'm assuming your partner's name is on your son's birth certificate and your son has the same surname? Best to check there'll be no queries whilst travelling if you have a different surname to your son.

Strength and good luck to you. 🌹

Our son actually has my surname! He hadn’t proposed to me (now I know why!) and I told him I wasn’t going to be the only one in the family with the odd surname! So that I got right at least.

You’re completely right when you say “this is his normal” I’m so, so shocked and hurt. But he’s known about it for years. Guess that’s why he’s fine.

I’m pleased to say that as of yesterday out joint finances have been served. I’m now non reliant on him in any way and feel bloody brilliantly for taking back control.

I just thought I should add, we are not married in there, as it does make it easier to walk away as we don’t have to deal with any legal stuff until we come to sell the house.

I’m throwing myself into the practical things so that I’m not tempted back.

Although yes, I’m in an immense amount of emotional pain right now.

Being a good mother while my heart is breaking is the hardest role I’ve ever had to play!

thegirlracer, I'm really sorry to read your posts but what an awesome job you're doing in extricating yourself from this twat. Kudos.

I think he seems ok with it all because possibly he thinks that you're having a little tantrum and that you'll 'see sense' very soon and he'll be back in the fold. Tell everybody what he's done and watch him go from 'ok' to 'not ok' when he realises that his new reality is that he's lost everything worthwhile - and that people he cares about, know it.

You weren't living a lie, he was. All the momentous times of your life were fully lived by you. It was he who wasn't participating and he who has now lost it all.

Lastly, there's nothing wrong with you, you sound great.

Thanks lying,

You’re right. You’re all right when you say he seems ok because it’s been his reality all along and he’s learned to live with the guilt. Strangely, I’m actually doing ok today. My brain seems to be automatically blocking itself from the “imagining” him with someone else and the “where was I on the night he did x, y, z”

In fact now that he’s away from the house I’m kind of relieved as cheating aside, I didn’t even realise what a lazy, annoying sod he actually was. So much easier not having to pick up after he and listen to his constant stories about his road rage and other shit I don’t care about!

It’s actually bliss! X

How are you feeling today, thegirlracer?

You won't always feel this so keenly, you won't always miss him and you won't always be lonely. You sound very much as if you have a good sense of what you'll put up with and what you won't and that is an excellent sense to have.

Onwards and upwards. Hope you have some nice things planned for the rest of the weekend.

Thanks for checking in on me lying, I really appreciate that.

I feel really down today. I’ve been out all day with DS doing fun things and trying to keep a brave face.

I love him and miss his so much. It really does hurt. I think about him none stop. I’ve never felt this low before.

It still doesn’t temp me into going back as I’ve always had clear boundaries of what I will and will not put up with. I’m almost certain if I went back he would cheat again and all the while I’d be a paranoid mess. And that’s no way to live.

It’s just hard to switch off your feelings for someone like that x

I understand exactly what you mean about not being able to switch off feelings like flicking a switch. It just doesn't work that way. How I dealt with it was to try to isolate those positive things about him that I loved and missed, acknowledge them in a 'but that was then (way back then) and this is what it is now' kind of way because the fear/pain of missing somebody can be very distracting when you're trying to put them behind you. I think it must be a physiological thing, self-preservation, protection of the species, etc. Not helpful to us though when we want to get rid.

I then focused on the things that weren't great. Acknowledged them and promised myself that I wouldn't have to put up with those character flaws any longer.

All in all, the person that I missed was the person he was when I met him but he'd changed and those things really weren't so obvious any more, they'd been replaced with some other things that weren't compatible with me.

Don't ever feel that you need to justify why you can't just flip a switch. It will take as long as it takes to get past all the gamut of emotions an feelings - until you get to indifference. That's the end point and I promise you that you'll get to it. You're doing great!

You’re not giving yourself enough credit here. Do you have any idea how strong you are? Reread your post again! You do not need this man, you’re independent, financially secure, have a stable job you thoroughly love and know your worth enough to kick him to the curb. You’re already doing amazing.
He doesn’t love you. He loves that you’re his security blanket, you’re comfortable, familiar territory for him and he’s solely out to maintain that comfy life while doing what the fuck he wants, when he wants. My ex was the same (8 women over 10 years), you need to focus on the anger NOT the sadness. Stay angry at him.

Thank you all

You’re right. He doesn’t love me. And he never really has. He does (did) have a very comfortable life with me. And I think he still sees snippets of that when he comes and picks up DS. That’s probably what’s making him want to give “us” another go. Simply because he cannot be arsed selling the house etc.

When he should buys own up to the fact that I’m not, not have I ever been the one for him. As hard as that would be for me to hear. At the moment he’s just kind of hovering around being irritatingly nice and “helpful” in ways he never would have been when we were together x

You sound way too good for him regardless of him playing Russian roulette with your health.
You will be ok in the end but unfortunately you've got little choice and have to ride the storm to come out the other side.
He on the other hand will live to regret this.
For me it would be unforgivable and I couldn't sleep with a man that was such a dog (no disrespect to dogs), but also one that treated me like a domestic slave.

Thanks keep cool,

I know. I really am better off without!

thegirlracer you've absolutely got this. You've done so well to sort out your finances and take care of your emotional wellbeing. It's great to have a hobby that takes you out of the house and gets you socialising, even if you're not exactly feeling like being around people at the moment. That will pass, and when it does you'll probably find you've got a new group of friends who only know you as you, and have no connection with the crappy excuse for a man you've freed yourself of! You're doing everything right, and of course you can't switch off your feelings overnight, but you're already pretty unimpressed with him by the tone of your posts - just hang on to that when he's doing his hangdog thing at you.

Thanks Grace.

I know it’s only early days but I’m so up and down. One minute I’m elated the next depressed!

I guess I need to stop wallowing in the “what ifs” It breaks my heart we will have to sell our beautiful house that I absolutely worked my ass off to buy.

I get so sad when I see families having a day out with their children. And it’s now just me and DS always on our own. And I guess despite how strong I am and the fact I know I’ve done the right thing, I just feel lonely :-(

How can I stop myself asking him questions about the past?

There really is no benefit to me asking these but I feel a strong urge to.

For example all the days out etc we have had where he has looked “absent” was he feeling guilt? Or just feeling like he’d rather not be there with us?

I know I’m only setting myself up for more hurt if I do ask. I honestly don’t know why I want to even know?

I guess that my mind is struggling to accept the last few years have been a complete lie and I’m backtracking now and piecing it all together and it’s now making sense. All the times my gut felt there was something “off” and some things just felt a little “fake” with him if you know what I mean?

Like silly stuff normal couples and families get excited about like buying a Christmas tree etc all felt forced on his behalf.

It’s very, very painful to think all the while he just wasn’t really into any of it.

I’m so tempted into asking him for answers. Is that why he was always absent minded etc?

What can I do to stop myself from asking him questions? They questions are playing on and on in my mind. Like I said, I don’t think I’m even strong enough right now to deal with the answers.

Just wish I could switch off and move on and keep everything strictly DS but I still feel so emotionally involved with him :-(

@thegirlracer I've just read your thread and you are a star, you really are. You may be hurting but you have taken control and sorted everything out.
The way to stop thinking about questions for me is to think that whatever the answer may be it won't help, it won't fix anything and it may hurt you more.
Carry on doing what you are doing, be good to yoitself, it will get better.

Thanks someone.

I know that’s the way to go. I just wish the urge to ask him and to get answers would go away.

I think what I’m trying to do is confirm that at some point in our relationship I meant something to him and that he gave a fuck. Just to validate it. But clearly he didn’t.

The sensible healthy thing would be to just leave it now. He’s come clean and I need to accept he never cared.

Accepting that is really hard as I thought he did care x

Maybe you did mean something to him, maybe he did care. Some people live on impulses, who knows the reasoning behind his decisions. I understand that you feel the need to ask, but having been there the one thing I learned is that the answers won't change how you feel and they won't help you or bring closure, time will.

Thanks someone. He does claim to still care and always had cared. But I can’t see that now.

And you’re right. There is no point to ask any more questions. I guess I will just have to learn to live with the pain of know our time together was mostly a lie and that he was never truly into me.

The rejection and worthlessness I feel right now is so painful :(

I’ve just had a thought and if I could hold onto that thought I’m sure it would make the healing process better:

No matter how painful feeling lonely, rejected and not good enough feels. Even THAT feels better than the way he has been making me feel.

Surely that’s only a good indicator that I can do better? (When I say do better, I don’t mean a better man as such, I just mean that even being a completely alone single mum would be better than being with him!)

Yes! You are clever and assertive, you are doing so well. You will be fine and the last thing you need is someone to make you feel bad about yourself. None of this is your fault or a reflection of who you are. The realisation that you are ok on your own is empowering, keep doing what you're doing! (And yes there are decent men out there when you're ready).

The thought of dating anyone now really scares me. I’m scared I’ll never be able to trust again. I’ve only had two long term serious relationships and both have been awful to be honest :(

It's normal that you're scared and hopefully the bad experiences will help you identify the red flags in future. Just for reference, my ex should probably get some sort of award with regards to lying, cheating and general bad behaviour, there's not much he didn't do. By all accounts I should never have wanted another relationship let alone hope to ever trust someone again, but I do. I didn't to start with and my husband knew what I had been through (and he had nothing to hide), so against all odds I do trust him with my eyes closed. We're all different I know, but it is possible

Thanks for sharing your positive story about your husband. And that you can now trust again.

That really does give me hope!