Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Do I give him another chance, or leave?! please read.

68 replies

FTM05xx · 21/05/2019 22:43

I am 24+5 pregnant with my first child, me and my partner have only been together 11 months but we’ve known each other since we were young children… I had been told for years that I possibly was infertile, I have a lot of problems with my health, and then back in January I found out I was pregnant… it was shocking but I was OVER THE MOON!! So was my partner, he already has a child with his ex, which he sees regularly, I am also quite friendly with the ex partner, I helped him for months to get contact and put myself way out there for him. He works full time, we have our own home… we sound and look like the happiest couple on paper, and even if you see us together we match perfectly…. So why does he treat me so badly?

He is CONSTANTLY throwing up my ex-partner, my ex was abusive mentally and physically… I don’t even think about him anymore, he is a utter waste of space… but my partner will NOT let me forget entirely, he says that because I stayed with my ex for so long I should be happy that my current partner isn’t abusive physically like him… he constantly says that I am stupid and disgusting for staying with him, and now today he told me he can understand why my ex-partner hit me… he said I ask for it… he is obsessed with him!!!

He always wants to go out and spend money on alcohol, I really think he has a problem… but its not too bad that he can’t hide it, but he is constantly talking about it, trying to make plans to get to a pub or up his friends who is a really bad influence, but he’s really good and making it sound normal… but today I only said he seemed to be drinking a lot and he went absolutely MENTAL on me.

He constantly say I control him, and he tells me Im crazy, that he’s going to call my MW and say I have really bad mental health…. And that im crazy, he shouts at me constantly and If I get upset he calls me an attention seeker, and that Im a ‘cry baby’ he makes me question everything I do.

I have always wanted a family of my own, I have worked soooo hard to become a better person for my baby, I have changed my life completely… I know I will be a fantastic mother, and I am really lucky to have a supportive family. I know most people will say to just walk away, but isn’t that the easy option? Should I try something else with him to try and make him understand? I am having a child with him and don’t want to be single mum, but if that’s what’s better for my child I will automatically do it.

Do you think he could change? There is so much more I could write but this thread won’t allow me… Please don’t judge me, I genuinely just need advice, opinions… I just want the best for me and the baby and even though deep down we deserve better, I want some miracle where he could understand what he is doing… which is BREAKING my heart.

OP posts:
ImaLumberJack · 21/05/2019 22:48

Get rid.

Jacksback · 21/05/2019 22:49

Leave . He is abusive too albeit in a different way
Make plans and go

flightyflights · 21/05/2019 22:50

Oh wow, you are absolutely worth more. There are so many decent, kind men in the world who would be horrified at the idea of treating a woman like this. Get rid.

Bodear · 21/05/2019 22:51

You can’t and won’t change him but you could waste years of your and your baby’s lives trying to. Please leave.

CodenameVillanelle · 21/05/2019 22:51

Of course you must leave him. He won't change.

MrsMozartMkII · 21/05/2019 22:54

He's abusive.

Leave.

Misnomer · 21/05/2019 22:54

I'm really sorry but, in all likelihood, he will get worse not better. He needs to go - have you got family/friends that can help?

Please tell someone IRL what is happening. Your midwife would actually be a great person to confide in as they are specially trained to deal with women with abusive partners as, unfortunately, women are particularly likely to experience this during pregnancy.

Please take care.

CarolinaChina · 21/05/2019 22:55

he constantly says that I am stupid and disgusting for staying with him, and now today he told me he can understand why my ex-partner hit me… he said I ask for it

I really fear that he’s going to take it beyond verbal abuse. I think you need to leave him - and get some support in doing so. You deserve so much more.

Babdoc · 21/05/2019 22:55

So he says you’re stupid and disgusting, deserve to be hit, and should be pathetically grateful that he “only” abuses you verbally and emotionally. Plus he drinks.
Why would any woman want to stay with a shit like him?
OP, please leave, and then get counselling to find out why you keep choosing abusive partners. You need help to break this cycle, otherwise you will just seek out yet another bastard of a man.

TreadSoftlyOnMyDreams · 21/05/2019 22:56

He's totally abusive too. Leave. As soon as you feasibly can and don't look back.

Congratulations on your pregnancy. I genuinely hope it brings you much happiness and you can bring up your child far, far away from this man.

Doyoumind · 21/05/2019 22:56

You're in a other abusive relationship. Leave before the baby is born. Your life will be easier.

Doyoumind · 21/05/2019 22:57

Life will also be better for your child.

SandyY2K · 21/05/2019 22:58

He's abusive just as your Ex was. In fact he sounds worse. It makes no logical sense to remain in this relationship.

I see the abuse getting worse, not better.

I suggest...

  • Doing the freedom program.
  • Ending it with him
  • Making sure the child has your surname and ideally leave this abuser off the BC

Do you know if he was like this with his Ex?

I would just tell him that the relationship isn't working for you and as he has said numerous times that you're controlling, you think it's not working for him either.

It's best not to antagonize him. Don't blame him to his face.... just stick with the fact that you aren't happy with the way things are and you have decided to end it

Dont let him think it's negotiable.

He really sounds horrible and you need to see who he is. Saying you deserved to be hit is just nasty.

MazDazzle · 21/05/2019 23:00

Christ, I was all for ‘LTB’ after paragraph 2.

Get out now, if you can’t do it for your own sake, do it for the the sake of your child.

I agree with Babdoc, counselling might help give you some strength and clarity.

Whatisthisfuckery · 21/05/2019 23:10

OP you need to get rid. I can guarantee this won’t get better and it’ll more likely than not get worse. He is using your ex’s abusive behaviour to legitimise his own, and I can tell you from bitter experience that a man who tells you you’re lucky not to be hit is only one temper away from doing just that. He’s already thinking about hitting you, it’s the logical next step.Also I was married to a man with a drink problem and I can tell you straight off the bat that there is nothing, and I mean absolutely nothing you can do to make him stop. Alcohol is the centre of his life and nothing will come between him and the next drink.

I’m sorry OP but you absolutely must get rid and you need to do it now. After the baby comes will be too late and you’ll be trapped with a new born and a potentially violent drunk of a partner. You won’t be able to trust him with the baby and you’ll be constantly in fear, not to mention skint.

Mummaofmytribe · 21/05/2019 23:12

You're in an abusive relationship. You say you have a supportive family, that's great, I think you should tell them straight away what's going on. Ask for help so you can break up with him safely.
Good luck with your baby. Please tell someone now what that man is like and get yourself clear of him

carly2803 · 21/05/2019 23:15

r.u.n

seriously.

Seniorschoolmum · 21/05/2019 23:23

Get out now, please.

It is only a matter of time before he hits you too. You deserve to be safe & so does your child.

EatsFartsAndLeaves · 21/05/2019 23:24

It will get worse after you have the baby. Leave before the birth, and don't put him on the birth certificate.

AlphaBites · 21/05/2019 23:26

Imagine your baby, grown up and telling you what you have said? What would you advise them?

Mine is get rid.

PregnantSea · 21/05/2019 23:28

You need to leave. If not just for you then for the sake of your baby.

GreenTulips · 21/05/2019 23:29

He’s pushing you to leave - that way it’s your fault not his.

Does he ever take any responsibility for his actions?

Mumlife1 · 21/05/2019 23:29

I had this with my ex partner, i understand its hard cause your pregnant and the thought of going it alone is scary, but it will be far worse if you stay. Hope you find a way to be happy

Chocmallows · 21/05/2019 23:30

LTB

RandomMess · 21/05/2019 23:31

RUN he is as abusive as your ex!