Do I give him another chance, or leave?! please read.

[FTM05xx]

I am 24+5 pregnant with my first child, me and my partner have only been together 11 months but we’ve known each other since we were young children… I had been told for years that I possibly was infertile, I have a lot of problems with my health, and then back in January I found out I was pregnant… it was shocking but I was OVER THE MOON!! So was my partner, he already has a child with his ex, which he sees regularly, I am also quite friendly with the ex partner, I helped him for months to get contact and put myself way out there for him. He works full time, we have our own home… we sound and look like the happiest couple on paper, and even if you see us together we match perfectly…. So why does he treat me so badly?

He is CONSTANTLY throwing up my ex-partner, my ex was abusive mentally and physically… I don’t even think about him anymore, he is a utter waste of space… but my partner will NOT let me forget entirely, he says that because I stayed with my ex for so long I should be happy that my current partner isn’t abusive physically like him… he constantly says that I am stupid and disgusting for staying with him, and now today he told me he can understand why my ex-partner hit me… he said I ask for it… he is obsessed with him!!!

He always wants to go out and spend money on alcohol, I really think he has a problem… but its not too bad that he can’t hide it, but he is constantly talking about it, trying to make plans to get to a pub or up his friends who is a really bad influence, but he’s really good and making it sound normal… but today I only said he seemed to be drinking a lot and he went absolutely MENTAL on me.

He constantly say I control him, and he tells me Im crazy, that he’s going to call my MW and say I have really bad mental health…. And that im crazy, he shouts at me constantly and If I get upset he calls me an attention seeker, and that Im a ‘cry baby’ he makes me question everything I do.

I have always wanted a family of my own, I have worked soooo hard to become a better person for my baby, I have changed my life completely… I know I will be a fantastic mother, and I am really lucky to have a supportive family. I know most people will say to just walk away, but isn’t that the easy option? Should I try something else with him to try and make him understand? I am having a child with him and don’t want to be single mum, but if that’s what’s better for my child I will automatically do it.

Do you think he could change? There is so much more I could write but this thread won’t allow me… Please don’t judge me, I genuinely just need advice, opinions… I just want the best for me and the baby and even though deep down we deserve better, I want some miracle where he could understand what he is doing… which is BREAKING my heart.

He sounds like he’s mentally abusing you similar to your ex partner. You need to get away from him before baby arrives.

I think you've swapped one abusive man for another here.
"You deserve to be hit" " you're a cry baby", just no. You shouldn't have to deal with this kind of shit.
You and your wee baby will have much better life without him. Another vote for get rid.

OP, are you okay?

The replies to your thread must be tough reading but please listen to them.

My ex was a drinker exactly as you describe your baby’s father - he normalised it all the time, found excuses all the time to drink, made out that there was something wrong with me and that everyone drinks like he does.

He also expected me to be grateful that he didn’t hit me.

I left him in the end, with two young children. It wasn’t the easy option at all - one of the hardest things I’ve done in fact. It would have been easier to stay, leave things as they were, continue to be miserable.

But I left and I’ve never regretted it.

Please leave OP. You deserve to have a happy life full of support and love and kindness and you will not get it with this bloke. After getting courage from Mumsnet I recently left an abusive partner. I had to tell my family and friends about his behaviour as I knew once they knew I could never go back to him. They helped me stay strong the first few weeks and now I'm so so happy and I've met such a nice man that treats me wonderfully. I didn't know it was possible for a man to be genuinely kind and attractive. You don't realise how bad the abusive behaviour is until you're out of it. You are worth so much more. Please do the best thing for yourself and your baby and don't take anything less than good treatment. Like another poster said. He's already thinking about hitting you and justifying it and his addiction to alcohol will never stop. He'll prioritise that over you and the baby. It will be harder to bring up the baby with him than without him. I'm thrilled I don't have to clean up after my ex anymore! Life is so much easier! Be strong and show your child it's wrong to accept such nasty behaviour! Xxxxx

He is abusive .
Leave now .

It will never change .

Good luck with your baby

Leave now before the birth, move far away, and don't put him on the birth certificate.

You have a chance now to fuck off out of his grasp and potentially avoid him having parental responsibility. Golden opportunity. Take it, please take it.

It'll be so much harder once the baby arrives. He's not physically abusing you yet, but he is abusive. Read the stickied "listen up" thread.

I had an ex like this, please leave him. Don't let him make you feel any of it is your fault, he's abusive and cruel. I'm so sorry it's all coming to a head when you're pregnant, that's so much to deal with. Other posters have given great advice on where you can get help

Thank you too you and all the other players on here. It's been tough reading all of these and realising the severity of it all. I thought I was the one who was in the wrong and crazy, but you're all right. I am a strong independent women, I'm Ok and will continue to be... my daughter is my everything and I WILL do anything to protect her from evil people her whole life.

I cannot say my partner is a terrible dad, because he is fantastic with his other daughter and I am completely 100% postive he will want to be in our child life. But we will have to arrange that after my child is born.

Thank you again. Xxx

@FTM05xx You are definitely NOT crazy at all. I hope all the responses on here have helped you and that you put into place actions to get rid of this abusive individual. Bear in mind he will turn nasty as he will start to reinforce his reasoning on why your ex abused you too...he will use that even more. I feel for you, stay strong and get some support from friends and family. It will be better to be on your own than with a shit like this. xx

How does he treat the mother of his other child?

Do you think he could change?

It's so unlikely that it's best to say NO.

It's so wonderful that you've fallen pregnant and are well on in your pregnancy with the dire things you were told. Whatever the story with the father (sperm donor ) that is something fantastic and your child - though it is hard work and can be very challenging - will bring you so much happiness. As a dad of three said to me when he found out I'd not long become a mum "it is astonishing, they are astonishing as they grow".

Please get every bit of help you can onboard/lined up - and gtf away from this abuser.

I cannot say my partner is a terrible dad, because he is fantastic with his other daughter and I am completely 100% postive he will want to be in our child life. But we will have to arrange that after my child is born.

Well that one silver lining.

(Though I'd be keeping a careful eye on him still - someone who behaved like he died rarely keeps their crazyness/nastiness for only one scenario/person).

Being abusive to the mother - thereby causing the child's (usually) main carer to be very stressed and unhappy - which indirectly has a big effect on a child - means that very strictly speaking a man who abuses the child's mum is not a good father ... However if you're away from him, same as his ex, you can try to minimise this and hopefully he will be ok with the child for visits etc.

Btw men seem to have to do fk all to be considered a good/great dad a lot of the time.

• like he does

Leave

The seemingly easier option for now is to bury your head in the sand, keep on pretending and making things ok, making yourself small, fit with his reality.

The hard and the right thing to do is to leave him, quietly and never look back.

Don't let your child see you be treated like shit. Get out now before your baby seyes how awful he treats you.

You need to either leave or ask him to leave. He is abusive

As a child who watched her father systematically emotionally, verbally and financially abuse her mother on a daily basis who watched her silently trying to hide her tears, who walked on eggshells from the moment she woke up in the morning, who saw the utter pain and sadness in her eyes and become a shadow of herself I would say you need to leave this man and now before it escalates. I was aware of it from a very young age and some days I absolutely hated him.

Our relief (and it was relief) was when he died suddenly when I was 14. Our family life changed overnight and although I grieved the loss of my father. I did not grieve the loss of the husband he was to my mother.

I vowed I would never stay in a relationship that was unhealthy for my children to witness and be part of. And I would never allow a man to make me feel the way my mum was made to feel.

Please do what is right for you and your daughter and do not settle for anything less than you deserve. Good luck